“Trump loves this country. I love my country,” a Trump cultist proclaims outside the Michigan Trump rally scheduled for Saturday night in Washington Township. “We need to straighten this country up. I have children and we need, we need you, Trump. Our country is going to shit.”

The totally unbiased reporter on the scene declares, “Yeah, I agree with you. I’m gonna give you a hug. This is why, this is why we do this, with people like you because we know how important it is. Fer, y’know, we love this country. We know exactly what Trump would do for this country and for you and I [sic]. Bless you. I- I- I—”

“God bless you, too,” the tearful Trumpludite gathers the strength to say. “Trump, I love you. You’re my man. You’re comin’ back. The cabal, the Deep State…” And then she goes REALLY crazy.

President Biden has reportedly told members of his inner circle that Trump is a direct threat to democracy and Attorney General Merrick Garland needs to wake the fuck up and turn up the heat on the fat orange pig already, the New York Times reports on growing pressure on Garland from Democrats to make some moves. As recently as late last year Biden specifically said Garland is too much like a judge and not enough like a prosecutor, per the Times.

AOC cheers flagship NYC Starbucks store voting to unionize: 'Another huge victory' https://t.co/6w2Ra8oSRL

— Fox News (@FoxNews) April 2, 2022

Starbucks is evil and woke. Unions are evil and socialist. AOC is evil and socialist and woke. But evil AOC cheers evil union that hurts profits of evil woke corporation. Fox News not compute. Simplistic binary worldview unable to process input. Cannot enjoy Starbucks getting owned if socialist union doing owning. ERROR. Output undefined. Bot returns null. Unions socialist. Unions win. Socialists winning not fun. Invalid parameter at FoxBot.fux:141. System failure. AOC win bad. Not fun. ERROR…

Trump-endorsed Hungarian autocrat Viktor Orban told his fans gathered in the town of Székesfehérvár on Friday that they’re better off with “experience, predictability” and should vote for his Fidesz party in Sunday’s parliamentary election, Politico reports. “I suggest to the Hungarians that we don’t experiment now,” with new leadership Orban said, as if the election is an inconvenience for him and he’d rather be consolidating power instead of campaigning to win over Hungarians – a large swath of whom are fucking sick of his bullshit. The Putin-friendly, Zelensky-hostile Orban was forced to take a “neutral”, staunchy non-aligned stance after the unprovoked Russian invasion of neighboring Ukraine. Fidesz propagandists have claimed the opposition already made a deal with Zelensky to provide weapons and military support should it come to power, likely giving Orban’s a late boost as the opposition trails 44 to Fidesz’s 50 percent in aggregated polls.

An Ohio substitute teacher tells WSYX he was fired from his job at a Chillicothe high school for violating school policies by distributing homo bracelets to students. “If a kid has questions, if a kid wants honesty, I don’t think I should be forbidden from providing that,” said homo Jay Bowman, who explained he gave away an undisclosed number of the multicolored silicone bracelets bearing a debossed pro-homo slogan after a student asked why he was wearing one while teaching class.

Many believe homo bracelets are dangerous and could cause wearers to develop a compulsion for sexual contact with persons of the same gender, with some even describing the effect as being of some form of metaphysical influence, as if it were a magical talisman. As such the school district acted swiftly to shut down the distribution of the material shibboleths and fire bowman for potentially homo-izing the students. “This past week, we received reports with specific concerns about possible violations of those policies by a substitute teacher in the district. After a brief investigation, we confirmed, by the substitute’s own admissions, that he violated board policies by speaking to students about political and religious topics, as well as distributing bracelets,” said Huntington Local Schools Superintendent Peter Ruby in a statement to WSYX.

It is unclear if any other educator in the district has been fired for discussing a necklace depicting a shirtless man brutally nailed by his wrists to a crude wooden structure used as a method of execution during antiquity, asking that shirtless man to help the high school’s football team score more points than the other team, or if the football team’s captain was expelled for loudly thanking the shirtless man when his Spanish teacher informed him her pregnancy test was negative.

As expected, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is running for the open at-large House seat in the 49th state, vacated by the late Republican Congressman Don Young. In proud GOP tradition all donations via WinRed are automatically recurring unless supporters explicitly opt-out.

“The ICRC team, which consists of three vehicles and nine personnel, did not reach Mariupol or facilitate the safe passage of civilians [on Friday]. They will try again on Saturday to facilitate the safe passage of civilians from Mariupol. For the operation to succeed, it is critical that the parties respect the agreements and provide the necessary conditions and security guarantees. If and when the safe passage operation does happen, the ICRC’s role as a neutral intermediary would be to accompany the convoy out from Mariupol to another city in Ukraine.”

“Our presence will put a humanitarian marker on this planned movement of people, giving the convoy additional protection and reminding all sides of the civilian, humanitarian nature of the operation. The parties to the conflict would also need to fulfill the agreements reached to allow for this operation to happen” says the International Red Cross in a statement.

• Trump’s Truth Social is an echo chamber.   That echo:  “Hello (… hello…hello…hello…)?  Is there anybody here (… here… here … here…)?”
• The GOP is an April Fool’s joke that doesn’t know when to quit:  “Get it?  Do you get it?  I’m saying gay people are scary!  Isn’t that great?!?!  Scary, ‘cause it’s true, right?  Right?!”
• Although the Republican team of a president, his advisors, scores of members of the House, various Senators, the wife of a Supreme Court justice (likely along with her husband), long-time political operatives, and Big Money donors have all been implicated in an attempt to undermine the Constitution, we’re still supposed to believe the Democrats are the ones running the Deep State coup.
• We shouldn’t dismiss Madison Cawthorn’s claims of cocaine-fueled sex parties on Capitol Hill.  I hear Marjorie Three-Toes, The Rifle Rodent and Matt Gaetz throw amazing orgies.  You expect “MaLauJorie” would party with geezers like Paul Gosar?  Sheesh.  They only hang with The Beautiful Republicans, the ones with the darkest souls.
  Read More ▶ “Random thoughts Friday, Volume LXIII”

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The New York Times reports that the Biden Administration will support the transfer of Soviet-made tanks to Ukraine by NATO allies to bolster the nation’s defenses against Russian invaders.

The plan would allow nations from the old Warsaw Pact that have Soviet-era tanks in their arsenal to move those vehicles to Ukraine, likely through Poland.  The nations could then replenish their stockpile through purchases of tanks from other NATO members, likely with aid or discounts for making the donation to Ukraine.

The acceptance of the plan shows that Western leaders believe the war in Ukraine will continue for an extended period of time.  Ukraine has been gaining ground in some areas as peace talks with the Kremlin continue.

The US Air Force confirmed to Reuters on Friday that it canceled a test of the Minuteman III intercontinental ballistic missile system to abate tensions relating to the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

The test had been scheduled for March 2nd, but postponed with the buildup of Russian troops along the Ukrainian border and the subsequent invasion so as to not stoke Russian aggression more.  It has now been canceled.

“There’s a value to doing the tests but I don’t think missing one test in the grand scheme of things is a really big deal,” said Jeffrey Lewis, a missile researcher at the James Martin Center for Nonproliferation Studies (CNS), adding the Minuteman III was extremely reliable.

Saying that he is willing to accept the consequences for his actions, actor Will Smith has resigned from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the governing body of the Oscars, the Hollywood Reporter reports.

“My actions at the 94th Academy Awards presentation were shocking, painful, and inexcusable. The list of those I have hurt is long and includes Chris, his family, many of my dear friends and loved ones, all those in attendance, and global audiences at home,” Smith wrote in a statement. “I betrayed the trust of the Academy. I deprived other nominees and winners of their opportunity to celebrate and be celebrated for their extraordinary work. I am heartbroken. I want to put the focus back on those who deserve attention for their achievements and allow the Academy to get back to the incredible work it does to support creativity and artistry in film.”

South Dakota Senator John Thune, a “RINO” who’s second in command to Moscow Mitch, will run unopposed in both the primary and general election in November, as the filing deadline came and went on Wednesday and not a single Republican or Democrat entered the race to challenge him.

Which isn’t really news since this is the second time since 2010 Thune will have ran unopposed. We’re sure he’ll still spend campaign money because how else are cronies vendors supposed to get paid? He could still technically lose if nobody shows up, and South Dakota is sparsely populated. What is news however is that Thune was supposed to have already quit because some MAGA rockstar Evangelical pastor with ties to Neo-Nazi militias was going to destroy him in the primary.

“Republicans in the Senate so quickly forget. Right now they would be down 8 seats without my backing them in the last Election. RINO John Thune, “Mitch’s boy”, should just let it play out. South Dakota doesn’t like weakness. He will be primaried in 2022, political career over!!!” Trump tweeted on December 23, 2020, vowing revenge on Thune for not being down with the “Stop the Steal” bullshit. What kind of party leader forgets to exact revenge on a disobedient minion? Trump fans should be furious with their Orange Jesus for failing to annihilate Thune. Fat, lazy sack of shit.

“If any average person did that, they would be in jail, they’d be locked up, they at least would have been arrested or questioned by the police at this point,” the one who married Ewic states.  “But it shows you the double standard that exists.  It shows you that when you’re a Hollywood celebrity–and this is basically what I think people took from this–you can get away with anything.”

Is she talking about Will Smith assaulting Chris Rock or a series of crimes, infidelities and corruption undertaken by her father-in-law?

Child sex trafficker and friend of Donald Trump Ghislaine Maxwell lost her appeal to have her conviction overturned due to a bias juror, a man who had been abused as a child but failed to reveal the information in a juror survey, the New York Times reports.

Maxwell’s lawyers argued that the juror’s history would have made him more prone to fine the defendant guilty, nullifying the opportunity for a fair trial.  The judge disagreed, allowing the court to sentence Maxwell in June.

The Baltic nation of Latvia is considering a measure that would strip citizenship from Russian oligarchs who hold dual citizenship, a move done in response to a billionaire claiming his Latvian citizenship protects his assets, Bloomberg reports.

The bill would strip Latvian citizenship if the person supports carrying out “war crimes, genocide and crimes against peace and against civilization,” according to the text of the proposal.

The move targets Russian billionaire Petr Aven, a Russian by birth who became a naturalized Latvian citizen in 2016 after meeting immigration requirements, including passing a language test which many claim he received help with.  Aven claimed the right to citizenship via his grandfather, who lived in Latvia.  

The California Sierra’s snowpack is at 38% of its normal volume, meaning the expected water supply coming from the melting snow will be far less than what’s needed to avoid water rationing in the area, CNN reports.

“We are experiencing climate change whiplash in real time with extreme swings between wet and dry conditions,” Department of Water Resources director Karla Nemeth said in a statement last month. “We are continuing with a series of actions to balance the needs of endangered species, water supply conservation, and water deliveries for millions of Californians.”

The loss of snowpack was unexpected given how the snow season started.  More than 17 feet of snow covered Donner Pass in the Sierra Nevadas thanks to a December snowfall, but all that was melted away due to changing climate.

Her Majesty, Queen Romana of Canada is on a royal “Peace and Prosperity Mobile Government” tour of her kingdom, spreading all sorts of shit about ordering mass executions of people and contact aliens and what not – and scoring a free haircut from a supporter to her claim to the throne!

Nice work if you can get it, right? If you’re not familiar with Her Royal Highness yet, allow us to introduce you to Romana Didulo, a single, childless, middle-aged, destitute Filipino immigrant QAnon influencer with nearly 75,000 followers on Telegram. For some fucking reason a year or two ago Romana decided she and not Elizabeth II was the legitimate Queen of Canada and convinced tens of thousands of people to go along with it, even though she was living in a boarding house on Vancouver Island. Promises of mass executions of those who fail to recognize her authority are a real crowd pleaser among the Canadian QAnon fanbase, leading to countless reports of her adherents sending cease and desist letters to hospitals, schools, businesses, and government agencies for implementing COVID-19 safety procedures. Her appearance at the February Ottawa clustertruck was fortunately a flop, but that won’t keep her down. God shave the Queen!

The government of Ukraine explicitly denied Ukrainian military were responsible for a reported helicopter attack about twenty miles into Russia, video of which is circulating on social media, NBC News reports.

News organizations have been able to confirm that there was a fire at the oil and gas depot at Belgorod, but the cause of the fire cannot be confirmed and video of two helicopters attacking the site has not been verified.

“For some reason they say that we did it, but according to our information this does not correspond to reality,” Ukraine Security Council Secretary Oleksiy Danilov said on Ukrainian television.