The Facebook page for the Milltown, New Jersey groundhog, uh, enthusiasts association (?) calling themselves the “Wranglers” announced on Sunday that the local Groundhog Day celebration was canceled due to the untimely death of “Milltown Mel” and their inability to procure a replacement groundhog on short notice, plus the lack of a mobile stage for the big weather forecasting event.

“We Wranglers are sad to report that Milltown Mel recently crossed over the rainbow bridge.
Considering the average lifespan of a Groundhog is about 3 years, that is not such a shock, but Mel left us at a tough time of year, when most of his fellow groundhogs are hibernating… so no babies will be available to replace him until this Spring. We tried everywhere to get a stand-in, but to no avail! On top of that, the county is not currently renting out the big Showmobile stage due to the pandemic, so we would have had that issue as well,” wrote the Wranglers in the post.

We’re going to go ahead and count this as a “saw his shadow” in a Shakespearean way because he’s dead, and also that the Vernal Equinox is on March 20th no matter what some Caucasian assclown in a freaking top hat thinks a rodent saw when it came out of its hole in the ground.

Muslim military veteran hopes to unseat Ilhan Omar, blasts 'Squad' lawmaker for neglecting her district https://t.co/6QYTb4nLr9

— Fox News (@FoxNews) February 2, 2022

Russian President Vladimir Putin is worried the US and NATO allies aren’t being sensitive to his criminal state’s “security needs” and mused openly they might even help Ukraine take back the Crimean peninsula they seized and annexed in 2014, the AP reports. “Imagine that Ukraine becomes a NATO member and launches those military operations,” said the asshole that started the whole mess. “Should we fight NATO then? Has anyone thought about it?”

A local news helicopter caught an early glimpse of the new name for the NFL’s Washington Football Team, which retired its racist old mascot two seasons ago, WRC NBC-4 in Washington reports.

The NBC-4 chopper flew over FedEx field, where the team is scheduled to announce the new name on Wednesday.  The news crew saw banners with the name “Washington Commanders” in the team’s burgundy and gold colors hanging in the team store.

Something happened with The View but National Zero’s editorial policy is to not be lame like Mediaite, The Hill, and fucking Raw Story and report on it like it’s actually relevant. Except for when Meghan McCain quit and when they were having trouble finding a new Republican cast member to take over for Meghan McCain. Those stories were funny. The View isn’t newsworthy otherwise.

I’m at a loss for words.  In this clip, Joe Concha got literally spit-spewin’ apoplectic at Sean Hannity, which should merit ridicule, but here, Concha’s actually saying people’s views on the January 6th domestic terror attack on Congress need to be consistent, calling out Hannity’s hypocrisy of saying one thing to Trump advisors and another on the air.

So props, Li’l Joey, for doing at least one thing right.  The clip’s still funny.

Addressing the growing tensions publicly for the first time, Russian President Vladimir Putin said the United States is using Ukraine “as a tool” to draw Russia into a war in the region to weaken Russia’s growing strength, the BBC reports.

Putin has said the build up of Russian troops along its border with Ukraine is due to Ukraine’s desire to join NATO, a direct foe of Russia.  Putin describes Russia’s actions as reasonable to the threat from a NATO-aligned Ukraine to regional stability.

“Imagine that Ukraine is a Nato member and a military operation [to regain Crimea] begins,” the Russian leader said to reporters after having a meeting with Hungarian Prime Minister and Tucker Carlson’s sugar daddy Viktor Orban. “What – are we going to fight with Nato? Has anyone thought about this? It seems like they haven’t.”

Two campus police officers were shot and killed as they looked for a prowler in a closed campus building Tuesday afternoon on Bridgewater College, an 1,800 student college about 150 miles west of Washington, DC, NBC News reports.

Alexander Wyatt Campbell, 27, was captured by officers from Rockingham County, Virginia when he was spotted on an island in the middle of the North River.  He surrendered without incident.  Police have identified no motive nor do they know Campbell’s connection to Bridgewater.

House Majority Leader Maryland Democrat Steny Hoyer tested positive for the coronavirus Tuesday afternoon and is experiencing mild symptoms according to a statement from his office, the CNN reports.

Hoyer said he is double vaccinated and boosted.  “I look forward to returning to the Capitol once my isolation period is over to continue carrying out the important work of leading House Democrats as we govern responsibly For the People,” the second-highest ranking Democrat in the House said.

“What President Biden is doing is trying to bait us into discussing race,” the failed Alaska governor, failed reality television personality and failed wife Sarah Palin claims, basing this on the fact that Joe Biden said he was going to appoint a Black woman to the Supreme Court.  (Curious show she didn’t say it forces us to discuss gender issues.)  “Ultimately, his goal being to divide Americans, and of course, we know that, ah, with division, ah, that is how, ah, a foundation crumbles.  That, that is how America would ever crumble is from within, the division that is, ah, sought by these so-called leaders, Biden and, ah, Harris.”

Yeah, when we say “they” we actually mean “we”. But that level of presumption and self-regard on National Zero’s part is kind of secondary to the blatant, unambiguous failure of leadership we’ve all come to know and hate from this feckless runt who calls himself a governor.

Legal fees and being credibly accused of sex trafficking have taken their toll on MAGA bro Matt Gaetz’s campaign funds since the first reports of an active federal investigation into his debauched personal life first surfaced in late March, the Daily Beast reports. Campaign finance records show Gaetz took a net $94,838.65 hit in the second half of the year after income bottomed out and legal fees went up. “I’m the only Republican in Congress who doesn’t take lobbyist or PAC money. I rely exclusively on donations that average around $38. HBO made a movie about it called ‘The Swamp,’” said Gaetz to the Beast, not actually addressing the shit that he’s about to face in the federal justice system. Gaetz hired attorney March Fenrich, whose former clients are a veritable rogue’s gallery of scumbaggery: John Gotti, El Chapo, and actual sex traffickers Jeffrey Epstein and NXIVM cult lord Keith Rainere. All of whom either died or are certain to end up dying behind bars.

Should the Buccaneers promise to replace Tom Brady with a woman of color?

— Lauren Boebert (@laurenboebert) February 1, 2022

“Pfizer Inc. and BioNTech SE today announced that following a request from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) the companies have initiated a rolling submission seeking to amend the Emergency Use Authorization (EUA) of the Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 Vaccine to include children 6 months through 4 years of age (6 months to <5 years of age), in response to the urgent public health need in this population. The companies expect to complete the EUA submission in the coming days. This application is for authorization of the first two 3 µg doses of a planned three-dose primary series in this age group. Data on a third dose given at least 8 weeks after completion of the second dose are expected in the coming months and will be submitted to the FDA to support a potential expansion of this requested EUA" - Pfizer press release.

The 2022 House campaign for Ron Watkins, the 8chan/8kun weirdo and supposed man behind QAnon now running as a Republican in Arizona’s 1st District, is not going great, Vice reports citing campaign finance filings. Watkins has raised all of about $30,000 in his bid to unseat incumbent Democrat Tom O’Halleran, fighting against the already Trump-endorsed Oath Keeper State Senator Kelly Townsend and an incumbent Republican Congressman David Schweikert of the 6th District, shuffled into the 1st by reapportionment. Plus Former Navy SEAL Eli Crane, who’s raised over $800,000 so far, per Vice. But trust the plan. When Ron loses it will have been rigged by the Deep State, trying to silence him for revealing the truth. Or just his shitty campaign website.

Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett announced Tuesday that Israel will deploy a “laser wall” to destroy incoming missiles within a year, a major leap in military technology that even the United States hasn’t achieved, the Jerusalem Post reports.

Israel currently uses the Iron Dome defense system, a network of rocket batteries that fire anti-missile missiles into the air to damage and destroy short-range rockets and artillery coming into the country.  It is estimated that firing an Iron Dome missile costs about $100,000 each, a cost that would be significantly reduced by using laser technology.

“This will allow us, in the medium- to long-term, to surround Israel with a laser wall that will defend us from missiles, rockets, UAVs and other threats that will essentially take away the strongest card our enemies have against us,” Bennett said.

Are you a Republican politician short on time and needs a speech to commemorate Black History Month in a pinch? Well have we got a boilerplate written by another mediocre white guy for you, sir!

Ahem. Thank you everyone for joining me here today in beautiful Rustville in the great state of Miowa. As we celebrate Governor Shitler signing the Voter Freedom and Integrity Act of 2022 which prohibits mail-in voting, ballot drop boxes, and polling places within 5 miles of a public bus route, and establishes a strict but completely opaque dress code inside polling places – this includes certain ‘urban’ hairstyles – we’re reminded of the freedoms that we do still give to Black Americans. Like educational choice. If Black parents don’t like what we’re teaching or not teaching to their children, then they’re free to home-school them. Or just not-school them. Whatever.

Because freedom is what’s really important here during Black History Month. If it hadn’t been for us Republicans liberating you from the Democrats, you’d all still be… Oh wait, shit… Never mind that part. We still offer hope and opportunity. After all, it’s Democrats who want to keep you on the planta… Fuck. Anyway, Black History is really important. Like did you know that in over a dozen states, including this one, we banned teaching all of the distressing and upsetting parts of it?

That’s right! Your children, plus all of the white children in their schools don’t need to be made to feel uncomfortable or even guilty by telling them all the bad stuff that happened to Black people. Because there was none. Every Black American is very happy and very prosperous relative to real Americans. Oh you know what I meant. Let’s not stand here debating this all day and night like Frederick Douglas and Abraham Lincoln did four score and seven years ago.

Because as Doctor Martin Luther King once said, he had a dream. A dream that all lives would matter, equally. A dream that someday an elected Republican could join hands with the Ku Klux Klan in peace and friendship to get their votes and donations. They have lots of important, differing perspectives to offer us too. Together we look forward to a brighter, whiter tomorrow.

You’re welcome Republicans. Royalty fees here, via PayPal. And if any of you cheating pricks steal this speech without paying up first we’re hiring Sidney Powell to sue your asses.

Former Pence Vice Presidential General Counsel Greg Jacob met with the House January 6th Select Committee on Tuesday, CNN reports. Jacob was heavily involved with the discussions over Pence’s role in the electoral vote count on January 6th, 2021, ultimately rebuffing Trump’s insistence that the Vice Former Guy had the power to overturn the election. Jacob’s interview comes just a day after Pence’s former Chief of Staff Marc Short also met with the committee.

Russian criminal Vladimir Putin is upset that western diplomats haven’t been cowering as he threatens to attack Ukraine, Axios reports. “It is already clear that Russia’s fundamental concerns have been ignored. NATO refers to the right of countries to choose freely, but you can not strengthen someone’s security at the expense of others,” said Putin at a press conference with his buddy, Hungarian autocrat Viktor Orban, whose country unfortunately is still a NATO and European Union member. “We haven’t seen adequate consideration of our three key requirements concerning the prevention of NATO expansion, the refusal to deploy strike weapons systems near the Russian borders as well as the return of the military infrastructure,” Putin added, still triggered.