World Anti-Doping Agency president Witold Banka told the AP on Wednesday that he’s going to be asking American officials to put a stop to the Enhanced Games, an upcoming international multi-sport competition featuring athletes who have been juiced up to their eyeballs on God knows what.

Yeah, some sentences written on this site are purposely laden with extra absurdity in order to add texture to sometimes dry subjects about policy and governance. That sentence – though colored with some colloquialisms not standard in print media – was not one of them. It is simply a brief summary of the content at the top of the source article on very much real plans for an event.

“We will urge the US authorities to find legal ways to block this initiative,” Banka said of the Las Vegas-hosted event set for May 2026 and whose organizers – again, not making this up – promise to pay out “$1 million bonuses to beat world-record times by athletes who will be encouraged to use performance-enhancing drugs under medical supervision,” according to an actual AP article.

Like yeah John Fetterman’s having a mental breakdown too but when is anyone going to call for this guy to be looked at and very thoroughly by a psychiatric professional? This is a scream for help.

UPDATE 06/11/2025 1:21 PM EDT: Lee deleted it but screenshots are forever.

Couchfucking Vice President JD Vance and Trump Regime Chief of Staff got drug-addicted billionaire Elon Musk to simmer down in a phone call on Friday after the big blowup with convicted felon President Trump, the Wall Street Journal reports but without any real details about the call.

The Senior Brand Director for Cheez-It on Tuesday issued a statement hailing the boldness of the orange-colored squares’ upcoming limited run of “Cheez-It x Wendy’s Baconator®” variation on the traditional Cheez-It snack crackers, effectively goading rival brands into attempting similar acts of boldness necessary to challenge the supreme craveability of the Baconator Cheez-Its.

“Cheez-It fans are known for their passionate love of our signature cheesy flavor, baked with 100 percent real cheese – and we’re always looking for new ways to surprise them with bold, flavor-packed experiences,” said Senior Brand Director Cara Tragseiler, asserting the fanatic loyalty of those whom regularly consume her product. “With Wendy’s, we found the perfect partner to create something completely unexpected – a snack that brings the craveable flavor of the Baconator to the cracker aisle in a way only Cheez-It can,” the fierce valkyrie roared with a fury that undoubtedly loosened the bowels of the lesser souls on the brand management teams of Triscuit and Ritz.

“The mouthwatering mashup combines the signature crunch and taste of Cheez-It with the layers of flavor that make Wendy’s Baconator a fan-favorite. Each bite delivers the 100 percent real cheese taste Cheez-It is known for, amplified with savory Applewood smoked bacon flavor – bringing the full burger experience to snack time, no drive-thru required,” Tragseiler’s triumphal press release continued. “The new Cheez-It x Wendy’s Baconator Crackers will be hitting shelves nationwide this July for a limited time, but for those looking to get a first taste even sooner, the crackers will be available for purchase along with the ultimate Cheez-It x Wendy’s Baconator bundle exclusively on CheezIt.com. The bundle features the craveable new crackers plus a Wendy’s Frosty keychain tag. Snag it while supplies last – and get free shipping with code CHEEZBURGER.”

“Maria, this is one of those examples where you’ve got, as we did in the civil rights movement, governors and mayors who simply don’t wanna comply with the laws that were passed. In Karen Bass’s case, even during her time. She knew what the laws were, and now she’s just ignoring them,” said oily car thief California Congressman Darrell Issa, putting ICE agents on the same level as the Little Rock Nine and the march on Selma led by late Congressman John Lewis, once a colleague of Issa’s, who started a car alarm company after a career in stealing them from other people.

“CPI JUST OUT. GREAT NUMBERS! FED SHOULD LOWER ONE FULL POINT. WOULD PAY MUCH LESS INTEREST ON DEBT COMING DUE. SO IMPORTANT!!!” posted TACO Man on Wednesday, hours after he celebrated a 55 percent regressive tax on all Chinese imported goods US consumers buy.

“A Villager ruined more than $10,000 worth of Spam and Vienna sausages by urinating on pallets of the products at Sam’s Club,” says the lede to a Tuesday story at Villages-News.com, copied verbatim because there’s no way to improve upon that which as already achieved perfection.

According to an arrest affidavit, a woman happened upon the urinator in “Aisle 18” of the warehouse retailer’s location in the Village of Lady Lake, exposing his Vienna sausage and emptying it onto the processed meat products on the morning of May 30th. She took a cell phone video and alerted staff, who quickly found surveillance footage of the man having “walked up to two pallets, facing the shelf, placed both hands in front of him below the belt line, and stood there for several seconds,” per the affidavit. Cops concluded was “behavior consistent with urination” as though that need be said.

“Managers inspected the damage to the 188 units of 18-count Vienna sausages and the 345 units of 8-count Spam Classic. They concluded that because the products had been contaminated with bodily fluid, they would need to be thrown out. The merchandise had a total value of $10,584,” says the next paragraph of the Villages-News story, which also must remain preserved here verbatim.

Reviewing more footage, management then traced the urinator’s steps back to when he scanned his card to enter the store, determining him to be 70 year-old Patrick Francis Mitchell, who had since returned home from his errand at Sam’s Club. A warrant was issued and served at Mitchell’s house where police effected his arrest on charges of criminal mischief and disorderly conduct. Mitchell is free on $3,000 bond. The only thing that could’ve made this story more classic Villages is if he was a registered Republican. Sadly, VoterRecords.com lists both him and wife Selene as having “No Party Affiliation,” which does not foreclose the possibility he is MAGA so much as leave it ambiguous.

Former Republican Congressman Joe Walsh, who left the GOP years ago and last week registered as a Dem, tells Politico he’s seriously considering moving to South Carolina to launch a bid against dainty Senator Lindsey Graham, as it’s time to “fucking wake up and begin to do different things.”

“I am seriously considering moving to South Carolina and challenging Lindsey Graham next year, because he’s a piece of shit,” said Walsh, who describes himself as a “conservative” Democrat. “He’s everything that is wrong about our politics, and he’s the worst, most pathetic Trump enabler.”

The debate ought to be entertaining at least, should this happen and Walsh wins the nomination.

Said a likely medicated Attorney General Pam Bondi on Fox News Wednesday: “After the October 7 anniversary, they added new drinks to the menu. One was ‘Sweet Sinwar’ in honor, of tribute to the leader of Hamas … You can’t do that. And so we’ve sued them and we’re gonna stop this from happening. And anywhere in the country, if you do this, we’re coming after you.”

Under that logic the Trump Regime could sue a business for flying a Ukrainian flag or a future Dem administration could do the same to a gift shop that sells Confederate flags. This is fucking insanity and it’s obvious she’s hoping these pro-Hamas idiots are going to back off, settle, and then close down after repeated vandalism from far-right Zionist dickheads, but she better pray nobody like the ACLU gets involved. If they do, Bondi is running straight into a brick wall that’s going to turn into a titanium one if this goes to the Supreme Court, all the while painting targets on American Jews by blatantly arguing that the political needs of Israel outweigh all others’ right to free speech.

In the second half of the clip the Attorney General of the United States avoided answering a reporter’s question on where the legal threshold is for invocation of the Insurrection Act.

Texas Gov “Low Energy” Greg Abbott on Tuesday announced he’s ordering the state’s National Guard deployed to multiple cities ahead of planned anti-ICE protests, ABC 13 reports on the impotent worm’s bandwagoning with convicted felon President Trump’s authoritarian fapfest.

“Peaceful protests are part of the fabric of our nation, but Texas will not tolerate the lawlessness we have seen in Los Angeles,” said Abbott’s office in a statement. “Anyone engaging in acts of violence or damaging property will be swiftly held accountable to the full extent of the law.”

Wonder what the go signal is to get some Latino Oath Keepers or Three-Percenters to show up and open fire on the guard soldiers and ICE agents so the “Big Luau” can get started.

“The Consumer Price Index for All Urban Consumers (CPI-U) increased 0.1 percent on a seasonally adjusted basis in May, after rising 0.2 percent in April, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported today. Over the last 12 months, the all items index increased 2.4 percent before seasonal adjustment. The index for shelter rose 0.3 percent in May and was the primary factor in the all items monthly increase. The food index increased 0.3 percent as both of its major components, the index for food at home and the index for food away from home also rose 0.3 percent in May. In contrast, the energy index declined 1.0 percent in May as the gasoline index fell over the month. The index for all items less food and energy rose 0.1 percent in May, following a 0.2-percent increase in April.”

“Indexes that increased over the month include medical care, motor vehicle insurance, household furnishings and operations, personal care, and education. The indexes for airline fares, used cars and trucks, new vehicles, and apparel were among the major indexes that decreased in May. The all items index rose 2.4 percent for the 12 months ending May, after rising 2.3 percent over the 12 months ending April. The all items less food and energy index rose 2.8 percent over the last 12 months. The energy index decreased 3.5 percent for the 12 months ending May. The food index increased 2.9 percent over the last year,” says the monthly Bureau of Labor Statistics CPI report.

“OUR DEAL WITH CHINA IS DONE, SUBJECT TO FINAL APPROVAL WITH PRESIDENT XI AND ME. FULL MAGNETS, AND ANY NECESSARY RARE EARTHS, WILL BE SUPPLIED, UP FRONT, BY CHINA.”

“LIKEWISE, WE WILL PROVIDE TO CHINA WHAT WAS AGREED TO, INCLUDING CHINESE STUDENTS USING OUR COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES (WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN GOOD WITH ME!). WE ARE GETTING A TOTAL OF 55 PERCENT TARIFFS, CHINA IS GETTING 10 PERCENT. RELATIONSHIP IS EXCELLENT! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday, not really explaining what he means with “WE ARE GETTING A TOTAL OF 55 PERCENT TARIFFS, CHINA IS GETTING 10 PERCENT” or why suddenly Chinese students “USING” American higher education is no longer a massive national security threat.

The fat bastard then demanded fealty from Angelenos, posting “If our troops didn’t go into Los Angeles, it would be burning to the ground right now, just like so much of their housing burned to the ground. The great people of Los Angeles are very lucky that I made the decision to go in and help!!!”

"He has this incredible connection … with his Army": @SecArmy says troops were thrilled when @POTUS announced plans to restore military base names removed under Biden. 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/t3I2Gjl6mH

— FOX & Friends (@foxandfriends) June 11, 2025

The above quote in the headline’s been truncated slightly as what Army Secretary Dan Driscoll actually told Fox and Friends Wednesday morning was “You can see he has this incredible connection, as Commander-in-Chief, with his army” while fondling himself over the magnificence of convicted felon President Trump’s speech to the troops at Fort Bragg on Tuesday, but that abbreviation does not at all obscure Driscoll’s slip into asserting the Holy Orange God Emperor’s personal dominion over the entire might of the armed forces of the United States of America.

Then there’s of course there’s what Driscoll did not say about the soldiers assembled at the fat bastard’s speech – one in which he still had bulletproof glass in front of him despite it being “his army” who would never ever take a shot at him with a high-powered sniper rifle.

A coalition of center and leftist party members in Israel’s Knesset have picked up support from two ultra-Orthodox parties in the chamber for their bill seeking to dissolve parliament and trigger snap elections, Bloomberg reports on a possible ominous development for dictator Benjamin Netanyahu.

The two hardcore religious parties, Shas and United Torah Judaism, are fucking off from supporting “Bibi” over his move to end the decades-long exemption from mandatory service in the IDF for members of Orthodox communities as the country’s Supreme Court has ruled the carveout illegal.

A Bibi minion complained about the dissolution bill on Army Radio Wednesday. “Going to elections now while there are hostages in Gaza and the Iranian issue is coming to a decision would paralyze the country,” said MP Ze’ev Elkin, a member of Netanyahu’s coalition. Bibi was supposed to testify Wednesday in his corruption trial but skipped out, claiming he was sick, the pussy-ass bitch.

“The INCOMPETENT Governor of California was unable to provide protection in a timely manner when our Ice Officers, GREAT Patriots they are, were attacked by an out of control mob of agitators, troublemakers, and/or insurrectionists. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday, trying to turn his side back into the victims here.

A most unseemly and preposterous incident unfolded for one Sultan Alnofaie, a reputable young bachelor of 21, in the early hours of Sunday last in Clearwater, Florida, WFLA tele-news reports.

The row began when Mr Alnofaie inquired about the coital services of an entertainer at the the OZ Gentlemen’s Club and was presented with a bill for $300 for the services to be rendered to his phallus, upon which he promptly effected payment, only to be refused said service despite honest payment. The bachelor, expecting prompt service within the ordinarily impeccable confines of the gentlemen’s club, then found himself compelled to voice his considerable displeasure regarding the perfidy of the cyprian scented with Exclamation By Coty. The club’s doorkeep, said to be a man of great violence and temper, intervened and told Mr Alnofaie to exit the premises post haste.

Seething from the affront, Mr Alnofaie then telephoned the local constabulary, seeking their intervention and immediate recompense for the deprivation his leisure at the gentlemen’s club.

Upon the constable’s arrival at the establishment they were met with the furious patron who then explained with great vehemence the compounded insult of the unprofessional behaviour of the attendants at the club. Mr Alnofaie was then placed into the constablary’s custody and charged with the crime of misuse of emergency services. It is unclear whether he was reimbursed for the $300.

“It wasn’t a day ago, it was a little longer than that,” said TACO man on Tuesday, correcting himself on a completely made-up timeline of when he last spoke to California Gov Gavin Newsom.

A 27 year-old registered Republican Villager is being held on $26,000 bond following his arrest last week on a felony count of possession of methamphetamine with intent, Villages-News reports.

Charles Scott Straubel, 27, who lives with his parents – also registered Republicans – in the Village of Santiago, was driving a white 2016 Kia Optima late Thursday night when he was pulled over for running a stop sign, per an arrest report from the Villages of Lady Lake Police Department. Cops wrote that Straubel “appeared to be unsettled, disillusioned, nervous, sweating profusely, and fidgety,” during the stop. A K9 unit was called and the dog quickly found 90 plastic baggies, all of them containing a substance that tested positive for meth. Straubel, who was also found in possession of knives and a bat, told cops he was merely a meth user. The likely Trump voter then began “acting hysterically and salivating” after realizing he was going to jail and possibly prison.

“On June 10, a 30 year-old man from Randolph, New Jersey, was injured by a bison in Yellowstone National Park. At approximately 9:45 am in the Upper Geyser Basin at Old Faithful, a man was gored by a bison after a large group of visitors approached it too closely. The individual sustained minor injuries and was treated and transported by emergency medical personnel. The incident is currently under investigation, and no further details are available at this time. There are no photos or videos of this incident to share. This is the second reported incident of a person injured by a bison in 2025.”

“The first occurred on May 7. There were two reported incidents in 2024 and one in 2023,” says the National Park Service in a press release. Not a good look, New Jersey. Again.