“For those asking… Even though I initially considered the prospect of petitioning the president with a pardon application I have seized [sic] that approach as I will not spend the last 61 days I have of life scrambling on how to get past a bunch of guard dogs. The so called ‘friends’ I have that said they’d help legit should have just told me to go fuck myself, because that’s what has essentially happened with their actions. I’ve accepted my fate and don’t want to talk about it anymore,” tweeted George Santos on Monday in what was apparently his valedictory post on Ketamine Brain’s social media platform, according to the Latin Times. His account’s definitely been deleted and likely of his own volition as it says “This account doesn’t exist,” rather than “This account has been suspended.”

The notorious fabulist Republican/expelled former Long Island Congressman had last week informed National Zero that he hadn’t heard back from the White House on his quest to escape a seven-plus year bid for which he must report to federal prison officials by July 25th, but apparently he never bothered to fill out the paperwork. Convicted felon President Trump on Monday pardoned some corrupt former Virginia sheriff who sold $75,000 worth of deputy badges to wannabe cops.

“Plaintiff National Public Radio, Inc (NPR) and Plaintiffs Roaring Fork PublicRadio, Inc d/b/a Aspen Public Radio (Aspen Public Radio), Colorado Public Radio (CPR), andKUTE, Inc d/b/a KSUT Public Radio (KSUT) (together, the Local Member Stations) bring this action to challenge an Executive Order that violates the expressed will of Congress and the FirstAmendment’s bedrock guarantees of freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom of association, and also threatens the existence of a public radio system that millions of Americans across the country rely on for vital news and information,” says the intro to a lawsuit filed Monday against the Orange God Emperor.

Even if the quote in the headline said “snake” or “German Shepherd” instead of “alligator” and “cocaine” instead of “meth,” you still probably would’ve guessed it was Florida. Per WFLA, those were the exact words of Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd at a press conference following the fatal shooting of 42 year-old local meth user Tim Schulz. “The fact that he was bitten by an alligator significantly and still continued his rampage is shocking but if you’re on enough meth, the person you see is not the person that’s attacking,” said Judd, explaining the events leading up to his deputies blasting Schulz as he ran at them with a pair of gardening shears. “Our deputies tried to deescalate. We also tried to tase him on two different occasions and he continued charging them.”

Schulz’s fatal misadventure was set in motion at around 6 AM Monday when a convenience store clerk in Lakeland called the sheriff’s department to report that Schulz had been behaving erratically in the shop but he had left the premises before they arrived. About 40 minutes later several nearby residents called to report seeing a man swimming through a lake known to be infested with alligators. “A witness tried to throw him a life preserver and another witness reported Schulz growling at them when they tried to help,” WFLA writes with typical MSM understatement.

Complete sack-licker David Sacks, who serves as the Orange God Emperor’s crypto and AI expert, over the weekend told three other white guys who host a regular circlejerk podcast called “All In,” that the GOP’s “Big Beautiful Bill” will cut $880 billion in Medicaid benefits disbursed over the next decade, which is something that he wasn’t actually supposed to say. He still seems cool with it however, since the whole point is to transfer wealth upward from Republican voters and the rural hospitals they rely on so Sacks and these other twats can get a tax cut and buy more Cybertrucks.

A renowned Harvard Business School behavioral scientist was stripped of tenure last week after a board investigation determined she had manipulated data in numerous, widely-cited studies and papers she had published on the topics of, per the New York Post, “cheating, lying, and dishonesty.”

Yeah. It’s not clear if Francesca Gino’s body of work is itself some sort of larger meta-scheme in which she’s teaching a grander lesson on the value of honesty or something. She doesn’t seem to think so as in 2024, after being placed on leave, she filed a $25 million lawsuit against Harvard, Harvard Business School Dean Srikant Datar, and a group of bloggers who had exposed her fraud.

A Boston federal judge tossed the case last September. Gino’s firing comes at maybe not the best time for Harvard’s public image given certain other external threats to its operational capacity.

An Australian guy is sooooo fucked after cops in Bali, Indonesia raided his rental house and found 3.7 lbs of cocaine last week, something that’s bad enough to be caught with anywhere but often a capital offense in the vast Southeast Asian archipelago, the Associated Press reports.

Cairns, Queensland native Lamar Aaron Ahchee, 43, “is suspected of importing or distributing class 1 narcotics,” Bali Police Chief Daniel Adityajaya told a news conference in the provincial capital, Denpasar. “He is threatened with the death penalty or life imprisonment.” Ahchee was paraded out for media wearing an orange jumpsuit during the press conference. He did not speak to reporters.

In the likely event he’s convicted and sentenced to the firing squad, Ahchee would join 96 other foreigners, most of them also convicted of drug offenses, on Indonesia’s death row. Fellow Aussies Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran were executed in 2015 for smuggling heroin.

In related but far less grim news also out of Bali, a 32 year-old British man who apparently was conned into accepting a package full of ecstasy was sentenced to six months. Still kind of shitty.

There are probably very few if any American survivors left from the Battle of the Hurtgen Forest, fought between the US Army and the Wehrmacht along the frontier between Belgium and Germany in the fall of 1944. It doesn’t get nearly as much attention as Pearl Harbor, Midway, D-Day, the Battle of the Bulge, and other major engagements during the Second World War. The 1998 HBO film above, When Trumpets Fade, may be the only depiction of it in cinema. And man is it every bit as dark and depressing as the real story of the battle. The brutality is a little muted relative to Saving Private Ryan and Band of Brothers (probably due to budget limitations) but where those were ultimately optimistic and purposeful, this one’s just about mere survival. It’s not to say that other World War II depictions are dishonest, this one’s just a little extra honest about what it was like during the hellish grind. That it might’ve been a just cause overall, but Hurtgen most certainly was not.

It was a fucking nightmare of a battle. The dregs of the German army – guys literally pulled out of translator school – using anti-aircraft guns pointed at American troops, using the terrain to defend themselves like they were the Spartans at Thermopylae. And US Army commanders just kept throwing wave after wave after wave against the Germans. Tens of thousands of casualties suffered with no significant gain. It was only the surprise attack of the Battle of the Bulge that ended it by causing the Americans to disengage and respond to the assault to the north in the Ardennes.

“Or, as an alternative, you could try not sleeping with people who aren’t your spouse” – The top comment on a Sunday afternoon Fox News article headlined “What is ketamine therapy? Mormon reality stars tout controversial treatment – Doctors speak about alternative therapy in ‘The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives,'” filed under “Health” and written by a “lifestyle production assistant.”

The post’s like a relic of a bygone era of 15 or 20 years ago, where there’d be some article on CNN or Yahoo News about a celebrity or a reality TV show star partying too hard and/or acting sexually profligate, under which inevitably there’d be at least one right wing user chiming in about how Lindsey Lohan or Paris Hilton were harbingers of a wider cultural degeneracy. Sure it was hollow and cast the first stone-y even back then given the publicly-revealed indiscretions of elected Republican politicians like Newt Gingrich, Mark Foley, and Larry Craig as well as Evangelical figures such as Ted Haggard and Jimmy Swaggart, not to mention media propagandists like Bill O’Reilly. And then Rush Limbaugh with the Oxycontin. Apparently he took so much of that shit he almost went deaf.

But back then drug use was still associated with the left – the legalization movement sure as hell didn’t start in Arkansas – as was sexual profligacy – Bill Clinton’s history of it sure as hell did start in Arkansas. For all the growing number of stains on what was presented as a gleaming white tower of conservative Christian moral superiority, Republican voters in that era could at least, and factually so, say that they’d never been led by a president who’d been publicly exposed as a philandering sex pest at best, an outright predator at worst. Your median Fox News viewer could still feel like they were on Team Morality, and wayward souls like hooker-loving Louisiana Senator David Vitter as outliers who failed to uphold the deal while drugs were for leftist San Francisco potheads.

Former IDF soldier Liri Albag, who was freed in a prisoner exchange with Hamas in January after having been abducted during the October 7th, 2023 attack on southern Israel and being held in Gaza for 15 months, was again – albeit briefly – in the custody of the forces of a terroristic regime last week after landing at New York’s John F Kennedy International Airport, Ynet News reports.

The 20 year-old’s dad told Ynet that Border Patrol agents had at first thought Albag, who was traveling with friends on a vacation, was being somehow impersonated. “There was questioning, but everything is fine. Their system still showed her as a hostage – they hadn’t updated the records. It’s just a vacation. Liri wasn’t stressed. It was unpleasant, but it passed,” said Eli Albag. Citing their sources, Ynet writes that “Israeli officials acted quickly behind the scenes to address what they viewed as a potentially sensitive diplomatic incident and prevent further distress for Albag.”

Good for her. Having spent approximately 6.5 percent of her entire life so far as a prisoner of murderous terrorists it’s nice that her government stepped in to help when she was stuck for an hour with US Border Patrol. It’s the least they could do after taking their time getting her released from Hamas captivity in Gaza. However the incident says less about Netanyahu’s Regime and more about Trump’s. It’s not that Albag would probably be in some ICE gulag at this point if Israeli diplomats hadn’t picked up the phone and gotten her out, or that Trump regime officials probably wouldn’t have answered if she was from a very long list of other countries that’s the most ridiculous part.

Whatever occurred had to have been fixed pretty briefly and just long enough for Twitter user @badfoxgraphics to have picked it up, as convicted felon President Trump’s feed now displays all of his latest “Truths” as intended, such as “I am considering taking Three Billion Dollars of Grant Money away from a very antisemitic Harvard, and giving it to TRADE SCHOOLS all across our land. What a great investment that would be for the USA, and so badly needed!!!” which could indicate the fat bastard golfed with the DeVry Institute or ITT Technical College’s CEO over the weekend.

He then confidently guaranteed victory over Harvard with “We are still waiting for the Foreign Student Lists from Harvard so that we can determine, after a ridiculous expenditure of BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, how many radicalized lunatics, troublemakers all, should not be let back into our Country. Harvard is very slow in the presentation of these documents, and probably for good reason! The best thing Harvard has going for it is that they have shopped around and found the absolute best Judge (for them!) – But have no fear, the Government will, in the end, WIN!” Have no fear, lol.

Obviously feeling more than a little stung by the MAGA base’s reaction to his somber admission that all evidence suggests Jeffrey Epstein really did kill himself in 2019, conspiracy podcaster-turned-FBI Assistant Director Dan Bongino on Monday announced that the bureau would be opening new investigations into the 2022 leak of the Dobbs Supreme Court ruling that overturned Roe V Wade and the time in 2023 when some dumbass left a small bag of cocaine in a coat check in the Biden White House, Reuters reports on Bongino’s panicked efforts to quell the outrage from his own team.

“Shortly after swearing in, the Director and I evaluated a number of cases of potential public corruption that, understandably, have garnered public interest. We made the decision to either re-open, or push additional resources and investigative attention, to these cases. These cases are the DC pipe bombing investigation, the cocaine discovery at the prior administration’s White House, and the leak of the Supreme Court Dobbs case. I receive requested briefings on these cases weekly and we are making progress. If you have any investigative tips on these matters that may assist us then please contact the FBI,” Bongino wrote in the middle of a lengthy tweet, adding “In response to feedback, both positive and negative, from our interview last week we will be releasing more information which will further clarify answers to some of the questions asked in the interview,” lol.

“I’ve had enuf of Putin killing innocent ppl. Pres Trump Take action AT LEAST SANCTIONS,” twted nonagenarian Iowa Sntr Chuck Grassly on Mnday morn / Grassly obvs sick of Ukrain civizens dieing bc Putin attax thm w/ bmbings n drones explding in citys. SANCTIONS gd, wepons fr Ukrain bettr.

Is yet another deal with the deadly terrorist regime Iran about to be announced?https://t.co/MYu5BYe1NA

— Mark R. Levin (@marklevinshow) May 26, 2025

Knowing that they may not be able to trust a US Marshall Service operated by the MAGAfied Justice Department, a number of federal judges this spring began considering the idea of standing up and managing their own armed security service, the Wall Street Journal reports.

The idea is not wholly without precedent as the US Supreme Court’s police department – which protects the Supreme Court building and the nine justices – operates wholly under the Judicial Branch and reports to the Chief Justice. The problem however is politics and it may be difficult if not impossible to take the vital function of protecting judges away from the executive branch since it would take Congress agreeing to remove a cudgel available to Trump. Then there’s the question of whether such a move would allow the Marshall’s Service to conduct contempt arrests without it going through the Justice Department, almost certainly a non-starter in an era when the Trump Regime’s lackeys regularly defy court orders not to deport certain individuals.

“I’ve always had a very good relationship with Vladimir Putin of Russia, but something has happened to him. He has gone absolutely CRAZY! He is needlessly killing a lot of people, and I’m not just talking about soldiers. Missiles and drones are being shot into Cities in Ukraine, for no reason whatsoever. I’ve always said that he wants ALL of Ukraine, not just a piece of it, and maybe that’s proving to be right, but if he does, it will lead to the downfall of Russia! Likewise, President Zelenskyy is doing his Country no favors by talking the way he does. Everything out of his mouth causes problems, I don’t like it, and it better stop. This is a War that would never have started if I were President. This is Zelenskyy’s, Putin’s, and Biden’s War, not ‘Trump’s,’ I am only helping to put out the big and ugly fires, that have been started through Gross Incompetence and Hatred,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Sunday, still kind of both-sidesing it.

Convicted felon President Trump on Sunday posted he’ll be delaying the 50 percent tariffs on European exports he abruptly announced on Friday morning and then later that day said there was nothing the Euros could do short of relocating their manufacturers to the United States to stop it from happening, the Wall Street Journal reports on the fat, capricious bastard’s resoluteness.

You already know what happened to this schmuck. Without even knowing his name or anything else about him, you figured it out just by the headline. But as they say, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. “If I could vote, I would have voted for Trump,” says Eliexer Marquez Duany, aka El Funky, in an interview with Politico, adding “He’s the strongest president when it comes to Cuba.”

El Funky has less than 30 days to leave the US or it’s off to Cuba where the anti-communist rapper likely faces imprisonment and neither the convicted felon president nor his Florida-born Cuban-American anti-communist Secretary of State seem to care. The silence from Marco Rubio is particularly jarring, per Politico, as in his previous job he introed the “Patria y Vida Act,” which stood for “Protecting Against Tyrants by Restoring Internet Access and Yielding Vital Interconnectivity in Designated Areas” in 2023. That may actually be the most clever and impressive backronym bill name in American legislative history. Most of them are pretty fucking stupid and lame.

“Patria y Vida,” is the name of a hit 2021 single by Descemer Bueno, Gente De Zona, and Yotuel, on which El Funky was featured as a contributor. And yeah, it was all about freeing Cuba from communism and so on. Not that it matters to the Trump Regime, who earlier this month denied El Funky’s residency application under the 1966 Cuban Adjustment Act for who knows what fucking reason. The only Republican trying to stick up for him is Miami-area Congresswoman Maria Elvia Salazar who said “El Funky is a political refugee who deserves the full protection of US immigration law. We are working with the USCIS to ensure they understand the serious risk of torture and political persecution he faces if returned to Cuba,” but who knows if that’ll end up mattering.

Speaker Mike Johnson continued looking like a fucking fraud on Sunday morning, telling CBS’s Marg Brennan that Goldman Sachs is full of shit when the say the tariff dumbassery will offset any gains in economic growth to be found in the “Big Beautiful Bill.” Later in the interview, in not so many words, Johnson said his home state of Louisiana, run by hardcore MAGA Governor Jeff Landry, was not properly conducting vetting of SNAP recipients to root out the alleged widespread fraud.

Top officials from the Trump Regime Justice Department’s Federal Bureau of Prisons last week visited Alcatraz to see what they can make of the crumbling tourist attraction that was last used for carceral purposes in 1963, the San Francisco Chronicle reports, citing comments made Thursday at a public forum by Golden Gate National Recreation Area superintendent David Smith.

“I have been in discussion with folks from the Bureau of Prisons,” said Smith, whose independent board oversees the area’s federally-owned and operated parklands. “They have been out here, they’ll be coming out again to do assessments of the structure.” Smith’s pretty skeptical that the convicted felon president’s batshit stupid commands to convert Alcatraz back into a prison would come to fruition. “I don’t think this is likely in our future.” he said, citing the “amount of money that would be necessary” plus the “amount of legal hurdles that will stand in the way,” and that it’s “just not well-situated” for the Bureau of Prisons. This as if the fat fucking baby actually cares and doesn’t simply want the “symbolism” of Alcatraz to help him carry that fake imprimatur of “Law and Order” far more than he would ever care about such trifling practicalities… If even remembers it.

Trump hasn’t actually signed any executive order regarding Alcatraz since his stupid May 4th post.

Hahahahaha! That Donald Trump, making a joke out of being too freaking cheap to pay for guard dogs to chase vicious, ornery waterfowl off his golf courses, resulting in a hapless rich asshole getting his dick chomped on by the monster on one of the putting greens.

Earlier the fat fuck continued his Maoist crusade against Harvard, posting “Why isn’t Harvard saying that almost 31 percent of their students are from FOREIGN LANDS, and yet those countries, some not at all friendly to the United States, pay NOTHING toward their student’s education, nor do they ever intend to. Nobody told us that! We want to know who those foreign students are, a reasonable request since we give Harvard BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, but Harvard isn’t exactly forthcoming. We want those names and countries. Harvard has $52,000,000, use it, and stop asking for the Federal Government to continue GRANTING money to you!” intent seizing full control of the university.