Jeez, what a nice looking family and loving, if kind of pale and creepy dad, now-former Minnesota state Senator Senator Justin Eichorn seems to be… Well actually books and covers, you know.

CBP agents stationed at the southern border confiscated 3,768 poultry-related products, mostly eggs, to 352 instances of fentanyl being interdicted, the New York Post reports.

Egg smuggling attempts are up 36 percent since October compared to prior years overall across the entire stretch of the southern border, but in certain areas the increase is much higher: In parts of Texas, 54 percent up, while in San Diego they’ve more than doubled.

The group of Republican Minnesota state senators who on Monday introduced a bill amending the state’s code on mental illnesses to include Trump Derangement Syndrome have tragically lost one of theirs to a case of soliciting a minor for sex after he was arrested while attempting to meet up with a Bloomington Police detective he thought was a 16 year-old girl, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune reports on a sad case of Republicans remaining all-too-true to their incompetent predatory brand.

The headline of the story says Senator Justin Eichorn is “to resign after” the sting arrest but since he’s still in jail after getting cuffed Monday evening he probably can’t get anyone to forward a resignation letter to the chamber. As for why he’s still in jail who the hell knows but it could very well be that his wife doesn’t feel like putting up their house as bond given the present situation.

There are several very obvious takeaways from this People Magazine story of a torrid, long-distance love affair between Las Vegas woman Victoria Goodwin and incarcerated Florida multiple murderer Grant Amato that got serious earlier this month after both were charged with plotting to hire a hitman to murder Goodwin’s husband, Aaron, star of Ghost Adventure, which airs on who cares what the hell stupid basic cable channel it is. Probably “Destination America” or one of those. Anyway, here are some key points People failed to remit to their audience of celeb-tainment consumers:

👻 In plotting with Amato so that they could “be together,” despite Amato, 35 – serving life in a Florida prison for the 2019 triple murder of his parents and brother after they discovered he’d pissed away $200,000 of their money on a “relationship” with a Bulgarian cam girl – Victoria, 32, made it plain that a bald, porn-addicted incel who would kill his family and she cannot and will not ever have any physical contact with was somehow less embarrassing for her than being married to Aaron, 48, a “ghost hunter” who has starred on the show for like 20-plus years. Not the best look for Aaron.

👻 If it wasn’t clear enough from Victoria’s texts to Amato – saying shit like “I’m so anxious LOLOL,” on the day he was supposed to be killed – that she doesn’t respect Aaron or his career, just keep in mind that ghosts are supposed to be vengeful spirits from the afterlife and that by having him murdered she was unconcerned with the possibility that Aaron’s incorporeal soul would haunt her.

👻 Victoria “began to text Amato in March 2024 after seeing him in the docuseries Ctrl + Alt + Desire,” which airs on Paramount+, People writes, citing the Las Vegas Metro Police Department’s arrest report. No info is provided on how Amato had access to a phone, let alone how Victoria got his number. Still that unexplained plot point raises the intriguing possibility that was the same way she met Aaron several years ago, and when she wasn’t so impressed anymore with a fucking “ghost hunter” she’d seen on streaming TV she started fangirling for a porn-addicted sociopath.

😂😂😂😂nope 🖕 https://t.co/X5uthKdRpC

— Catturd ™ (@catturd2) March 18, 2025

Spandex-wearing grapple freak Jim Jordan on Tuesday sent letters requesting transcribed interviews with the federal prosecutors who worked cases concerning convicted felon President Trump, former First Son Hunter Biden, loser Republican former Congressman Jeff Fortenberry, various Capitol rioters and others in some lame new effort to make it look like Jordan is actually working and not just jerking himself off. His act is wearing thin even for some of the fanboys.

In what are hopefully the first rumblings of a palace coup against unhinged asshole Elon Musk, one of Tesla’s earliest backers, hedge fund bro Ross Gerber, called on Leon to step down as CEO of the Tesla fire of a company, citing all the MAGA and DOGE bullshit over the last few months.

“I think Tesla needs a new CEO and I decided today I was going to start saying it and so this is the first show that I’m saying it on. It’s time for somebody to run Tesla,” Gerber, president and CEO of California-based Gerber Kawasaki Wealth and Investment Management, told Sky News. “The business has been neglected for too long. There are too many important things Tesla is doing, so either Elon should come back to Tesla and be the CEO of Tesla and give up his other jobs or he should focus on the government and keep doing what he is doing but find a suitable CEO of Tesla.”

Emphasizing that the DOGE circlejerk was “absolutely” diminishing the brand, Gerber said “The company’s reputation has just been destroyed by Elon Musk. Sales are plummeting so, yeh, it’s a crisis. You literally can’t sell the best product in the market place because the CEO is so divisive.”

“(((Ross Gerber))) can go FUCK HIMSELF IN THE FACE… After I chainsaw it,” Musk will tweet soon.

White House readout of Trump-Putin call: “Today, President Trump and President Putin spoke about the need for peace and a ceasefire in the Ukraine war. Both leaders agreed this conflict needs to end with a lasting peace. They also stressed the need for improved bilateral relations between the United States and Russia. The blood and treasure that both Ukraine and Russia have been spending in this war would be better spent on the needs of their people. This conflict should never have started and should have been ended long ago with sincere and good faith peace efforts. The leaders agreed that the movement to peace will begin with an energy and infrastructure ceasefire, as well as technical negotiations on implementation of a maritime ceasefire in the Black Sea, full ceasefire and permanent peace. These negotiations will begin immediately in the Middle East. The leaders spoke broadly about the Middle East as a region of potential cooperation to prevent future conflicts. They further discussed the need to stop proliferation of strategic weapons and will engage with others to ensure the broadest possible application. The two leaders shared the view that Iran should never be in a position to destroy Israel. The two leaders agreed that a future with an improved bilateral relationship between the United States and Russia has huge upside. This includes enormous economic deals and geopolitical stability when peace has been achieved”

Kremlin readout of Trump-Putin call: “Putin informed Trump that on Wednesday, Russia and Ukraine will conduct a prisoner exchange following a 175-for-175 formula Putin told Trump that Ukraine must halt mobilization and the rearmament of its Armed Forces in the event of a ceasefire. The key conditions for preventing escalation should be the complete cessation of foreign military aid and the provision of intelligence to Kyiv. Russia will continue massing troops near Ukraine’s borders.”

In an article for some reason written like this is supposed to be a flex and that she’s “over the target” or some shit, Fox News reports that White House Press Secretary Karoline “Blondi” Leavitt has in under two months already hit an achievement one of her predecessors, Jen Psaki, didn’t even reach in two years: Full blown fact-check articles on Politifact, for which Leavitt has three to Psaski’s two.

“Karoline Leavitt has already surpassed one of her Biden predecessors in total number of PolitiFact fact-checks after just two months in office. On Thursday, PolitiFact issued Leavitt her latest fact-check over her statement, ‘Tariffs are a tax cut for the American people.’ PolitiFact rated it ‘False’ with chief correspondent Louis Jacobson writing that ‘virtually all economists’ have characterized tariffs as ‘tax hikes rather than tax cuts.’ This marked Leavitt’s third PolitiFact fact-check since beginning her tenure as press secretary in January, which officially put her ahead of former Biden press secretary Jen Psaki’s entire record of fact-checks on the site,” Fox writes as if this were a real achievement. It’s not even clear how it’s an “owning the libtards” achievement.

Convicted felon President Trump just got off the phone with his dom, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, and is expected to debrief the media on how he was degraded by Vlad on their call.

In a statement issued Tuesday that no website seems to have the full text of, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts told convicted felon President Trump to please be very nice to judges.

“For more than two centuries, it has been established that impeachment is not an appropriate response to disagreement concerning a judicial decision… The normal appellate review process exists for that purpose,” said Roberts in the statement, which was presumably longer but again, no fucking other sites seem to have the whole thing just yet. John’s obviously feeling kinda of burned after he did Donald not one but two solids last year in getting him off the hook for the whole insurrection thing so he could return to office and continue destroying democracy, so who can blame him for being unhappy with this being the thanks the federal judiciary gets?

The great Tesla firebombing spree of 2025 continues: First in Las Vegas, at least five cars were set ablaze and exploded after a molotov attack on the Tesla Collision Center located in the 6000 block of West Badura Avenue at approximately 2:45 AM PDT Tuesday, per the Las Vegas Review Journal.

“Communications received information that an individual had set several vehicles on fire in the parking lot and caused damage to the property,” Las Vegas Metro Police said in a statement emailed to the Review-Journal. FBI agents were on scene, per Attorney General Pam Bondi’s directive.

Meanwhile Bondi’s department last week triumphally spiked the cocktail on South Carolina libtard Daniel Clarke-Pounder, writing in a statement “he been arrested on criminal charges related to an arson at a North Charleston Tesla charging station. The complaint alleges that on March 7, the North Charleston Police Department and North Charleston Fire Department responded to a Tesla charging station on Tanger Outlet Boulevard to reports of an arson. Witnesses reported that a man spray painted in red paint, ‘Fuck Trump’ and ‘Long Live Ukraine’ in a Tesla charging station parking spot.”

“The man then pulled out five incendiary explosive devices, commonly known Molotov cocktails, and threw them at the Tesla chargers, damaging the chargers. Agents with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives investigated the arson and identified Clarke-Pounder. He was arrested last night and arraigned this afternoon in federal court,” the statement continued.

According to the New York Post a witness had told cops that Clarke-Pounder “had accidentally caught their own back on fire while throwing the devices.” Couldn’t have been that bad if the Justice Department didn’t mention it. You’d think they’d love a good self-own by a “deranged leftist.”

“Nestle USA is initiating a voluntary recall of a limited quantity of Lean Cuisine® and STOUFFER’S® frozen meals due to the potential presence of wood-like material. This recall is isolated to a limited quantity of batches of the following items: Lean Cuisine® Butternut Squash Ravioli, Lean Cuisine® Spinach Artichoke Ravioli, Lean Cuisine® Lemon Garlic Shrimp Stir Fry, and STOUFFER’S® Party Size Chicken Lasagna that were produced between August 2024 – March 2025. These products were distributed at major retailers in the US between September 2024 – March 2025. This recall does not involve any other Lean Cuisine® or STOUFFER’S® products,” says Nestle in a press release.

“We are taking this action after consumers contacted Nestle USA about this issue, including one potential choking incident to date. Consumers who have purchased these products should not prepare or consume the product and should return it to the retailer where it was purchased for a replacement or a full refund. For any further support needed, please contact Nestle USA at (800) 681-1676 Monday-Friday from 9 am-6 pm EST. We are actively investigating the source of the wood-like material. We are confident that this is an isolated issue, and we have taken action to address it,” the release continued, assuring consumers that there’s no need to worry.

Maybe it’s a little incongruous that they’re so certain the problem is isolated in scope but not in nature and they have to call it “wood-like material” rather than, uh, wood. Like what the hell else could it be? If it’s freaking pressboard or some other kind of composite shit just say it’s “wood.”

Nobody’s going to want to eat it. Probably no one’s going to want to eat it. There’s a solid chance they won’t. Look just because they’re eating Lean Cuisine or Stouffer’s doesn’t mean they’re going to just willingly shove some “wood-like material” in their mouths. Don’t assume that about people.

Heh heh Treasury Suckretary. Good one. Anyway Trashery Suckretary Scott Buttsent really blew on Maria Bartiromo’s show on Tuesday morning, cleaning up his inability to rule out a recession by continuing to not rule out a recession. Batty Barty even got pissed at him in the middle, asking him why the reason for imposing tariffs keeps changing from fair trade to fentanyl to import inspections.

“Trump administration officials are roiled in debate over how to implement the president’s pledge to equalize US tariffs with those charged by other nations, with aides scrambling to meet the president’s self-imposed deadline of April 2 to debut a plan. Officials have recently weighed whether to simplify the complex task of devising new tariff rates for hundreds of US trading partners by instead sorting nations into one of three tiers, according to people close to the policy discussions, who emphasized that the situation remains fluid and could evolve in the coming weeks,” says the lede to a Tuesday Wall Street Journal article, copied verbatim to emphasize what it could’ve just said instead: These fucking morons have no idea what they’re doing and they can’t even get all their stupid “America First” bullshit right, let alone what little actual normal governance they still do.

“This Radical Left Lunatic of a Judge, a troublemaker and agitator who was sadly appointed by Barack Hussein Obama, was not elected President – He didn’t WIN the popular VOTE (by a lot!), he didn’t WIN ALL SEVEN SWING STATES, he didn’t WIN 2,750 to 525 Counties, HE DIDN’T WIN ANYTHING! I WON FOR MANY REASONS, IN AN OVERWHELMING MANDATE, BUT FIGHTING ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION MAY HAVE BEEN THE NUMBER ONE REASON FOR THIS HISTORIC VICTORY”

“I’m just doing what the VOTERS wanted me to do. This judge, like many of the Crooked Judges’ I am forced to appear before, should be IMPEACHED!!! WE DON’T WANT VICIOUS, VIOLENT, AND DEMENTED CRIMINALS, MANY OF THEM DERANGED MURDERERS, IN OUR COUNTRY. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday, evidently trying to find an out instead of openly defying the orders of Judge James Boasberg.

It’s not clear what this fat fucking idiot thinks this is going to accomplish when there won’t be 67 votes to convict Boasberg in the Senate. Or maybe he hasn’t thought that far ahead yet.

In a new ad campaign aimed at dinging potentially vulnerable House Republicans John James, Don Bacon, Scott Perry, Zach Nunn, and Jen Kiggans, lefty PAC VoteVets is skipping convicted felon President Trump and focusing instead on unelected ketamine freak Elon Musk to highlight the DOGEing that has inflicted needless suffering on scores of former service members and promises more with anticipated cuts to the VA workforce within the year, the Bulwark reports.

“It feels like veterans are being personally attacked by Elon Musk,” said one veteran in the ad. “I did not put my life on the line for some tech bro billionaire from South Africa to come in here and try to destroy our country,” said another in the spot depicting vets sitting around a table.

The Bulwark notes that the idea behind focusing on Musk rather than Trump comes from polling that shows the South African pregnancy fetishist’s approval coming in lower than fat Donald’s.

🚨 READ THIS: @AP ran an insane fake story about @DNIGabbard— they were forced to retract it.

Media has attacked my friend, @TulsiGabbard since day 1. They failed. Tulsi is Senate-confirmed and hard at work. I guarantee this will only make her stronger and more mission-focused. https://t.co/inpckia1zf pic.twitter.com/OfDuOegT75

— Markwayne Mullin (@SenMullin) March 18, 2025

Picasso-faced Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton tells Punchbowl News he’s inching closer to a primary challenge against Senator John Cornhole Cornyn, saying outright he’s going to make a decision in “the next couple of months” and he “can win if I have $20 million. I’ve run these primaries in Texas before. I honestly don’t see how he overcomes his numbers.” The “numbers” Paxton was referring to was not clear, but had to be polling numbers since a Republican from the second most-populated state in the union doesn’t win six statewide elections on empty campaign promises alone.

“I think it’s just time,” Paxton said. “He’s had his chance. He hasn’t performed well, and the voters know it. You can go a long time without people paying attention. And they’re paying attention now. If the numbers were the other way, I wouldn’t be sitting here.” Yeah he meant polls, but all incumbents are unpopular these days. “I’m going to start calling him ‘Senator Ukraine,’ because he’s funding Ukraine more than he’s funding our border, and that’s a problem in Texas,” Paxton added, workshopping a campaign slogan for a primary campaign fueled by a lot of mutual personal hatred.

“After 23 years he’s finally got a real opponent – potential opponent – he’s gonna do that, right? I mean, no one’s gonna be surprised by that. Voters are not stupid. Like suddenly he veers to the right? We’re less than a year from the primary now. And as soon as it’s over… he goes back to being John Cornyn,” said the impeached scumbag of Cornhole’s attempts to go extra MAGA.

Paxton isn’t even afraid of the possibility that the Orange God Emperor could play it safe and stick with Cornyn on an endorsement, but still plans on lobbying the fat fuck hard to be showered with his golden glory. “I don’t want to run against Trump’s pick, but, I mean, I think his numbers are so bad, I don’t think there’s any reviving,” the unfaithful husband to a shitty country music artist said.

At least 413 people have been killed in Gaza during the last 10 or so hours of the “ceasefire” brokered by convicted felon President Trump, including at least two dozen civilians who were sheltering at a school in Gaza City, the AP reports. “People are sleeping peacefully, they set the alarm to wake up for [Ramadan breakfast], and they wake up to death,” said Fedaa Heriz, who was at the scene. “I heard screaming, my mother and sister screaming, calling for help. I came and entered the room and found the children under the rubble, under the stones,” said another woman.

“The Israeli military had no immediate comment on the school strike,” the AP writes.