Picasso-faced Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton tells Punchbowl News he’s inching closer to a primary challenge against Senator John Cornhole Cornyn, saying outright he’s going to make a decision in “the next couple of months” and he “can win if I have $20 million. I’ve run these primaries in Texas before. I honestly don’t see how he overcomes his numbers.” The “numbers” Paxton was referring to was not clear, but had to be polling numbers since a Republican from the second most-populated state in the union doesn’t win six statewide elections on empty campaign promises alone.

“I think it’s just time,” Paxton said. “He’s had his chance. He hasn’t performed well, and the voters know it. You can go a long time without people paying attention. And they’re paying attention now. If the numbers were the other way, I wouldn’t be sitting here.” Yeah he meant polls, but all incumbents are unpopular these days. “I’m going to start calling him ‘Senator Ukraine,’ because he’s funding Ukraine more than he’s funding our border, and that’s a problem in Texas,” Paxton added, workshopping a campaign slogan for a primary campaign fueled by a lot of mutual personal hatred.

“After 23 years he’s finally got a real opponent – potential opponent – he’s gonna do that, right? I mean, no one’s gonna be surprised by that. Voters are not stupid. Like suddenly he veers to the right? We’re less than a year from the primary now. And as soon as it’s over… he goes back to being John Cornyn,” said the impeached scumbag of Cornhole’s attempts to go extra MAGA.

Paxton isn’t even afraid of the possibility that the Orange God Emperor could play it safe and stick with Cornyn on an endorsement, but still plans on lobbying the fat fuck hard to be showered with his golden glory. “I don’t want to run against Trump’s pick, but, I mean, I think his numbers are so bad, I don’t think there’s any reviving,” the unfaithful husband to a shitty country music artist said.

At least 413 people have been killed in Gaza during the last 10 or so hours of the “ceasefire” brokered by convicted felon President Trump, including at least two dozen civilians who were sheltering at a school in Gaza City, the AP reports. “People are sleeping peacefully, they set the alarm to wake up for [Ramadan breakfast], and they wake up to death,” said Fedaa Heriz, who was at the scene. “I heard screaming, my mother and sister screaming, calling for help. I came and entered the room and found the children under the rubble, under the stones,” said another woman.

“The Israeli military had no immediate comment on the school strike,” the AP writes.

A Chicago-area libtard faces charges of felony criminal damage to property and misdemeanor criminal trespass after spray-painting “FUCK ELON MUSK” and “TRANS RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS” on the windows of the newly-opened Buffalo Grove, Illinois Tesla dealership, the Chicago Sun-Times reports, mentioning that the graffiti was scrubbed off later the same day.

Which raises the question of why the hell 26 year-old Erin White faces a felony for what took at most a few hours and at most a couple of grand in fees for an outside contractor to undo. It’s not like she threw flaming molotovs to accelerate what Teslas can and often do on their own, and racked up damages in the tens of thousands of dollars. It’s just goddamned spray-paint. Yeah, it’ll get pled down but so could an upper-tier misdemeanor, and it’s this starting point that may indicate it’s some MAGA incel low-level assistant DA playing hardball he wouldn’t if it were “FUCK YOON SUK YEOL” painted on a Hyundai dealership. “Oh fuck yeah, I’m soooo making an example of this evil trantifa terrorist! You don’t mess with free speech in this district! Tagging @pambondi in my tweet!”

In an annual update to its “basket of goods and services” used to calculate the cost of living in the United Kingdom, the British government’s Office of National Statistics on Tuesday for the first time in God knows how long, omitted the average cost of a DVD rental from the “basket,” while adding yoga mats, virtual reality headsets, and pre-cooked pulled pork, Bloomberg reports.

It’s not clear how overdue this change was and how many stores (or kiosks) are still renting DVDs in the United Kingdom or its overseas territories. One could imagine that with plenty of remote rocky islands and isolated villages in tiny coves that have dogshit internet service that, yeah, maybe physical video’s more of a thing there than it is here. Still weird they kept factoring it in until 2024.

Biden admin criticized for emboldening Iran-backed Houthis as Trump ramps up military strikes https://t.co/2CbRG4dZ1Z

— Fox News (@FoxNews) March 18, 2025

The above headline is the end product of butthurt that the Houthi attacks on traffic in the Red Sea did not miraculously stop as soon as convicted felon President Trump took office again.

At least 44 people are dead in Gaza after the Netanyahu Regime resumed bombing Gaza early Tuesday local time, the AP reports on airstrikes that were launched over what Israeli military leadership said was “a lack of progress” in Hamas releasing hostages taken in the brutal October 7, 2023 attack on Southern Israel. “It was not immediately clear if the operation was a one-time pressure tactic or if the 17-month-old war was being resumed altogether,” the AP noted dryly.

How’s that Nobel Peace Prize to Trump for “brokering” the “ceasefire” coming along?

Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow informed taxi and rideshare drivers that their purchases are no longer qualified for the city’s electric vehicle tax credit if they buy a Tesla, Reuters reports.

“We have certainly said that if you want to buy a Tesla, go ahead, but don’t count on taxpayer money to subsidize it,” Chow said, adding the impact wouldn’t be large. “It’s more symbolic.”

“Puddle of Mudd’s lead singer, Wesley Scantlin, has found himself in a puddle of trouble. He was taken into custody after Torrance Police responded to a home in the area. On Tuesday, March 11, officers were called to a home in Torrance. A short time later, Scantlin was arrested by Torrance PD officers following an incident involving allegations of domestic violence and drug possession,” says the lede to a Monday Fox 11 Los Angeles article, filed under the “entertainment” section.

Now to be fair, prior to the lede, the article does say “Are you or someone you know a recent survivor of domestic violence? Help is available. Los Angeles County has a hotline, which can be reached at 1-800-978-3600. A national hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-7233,” so the writer, credited only as “FOX 11 Digital Team,” does at least notionally treat the subject of domestic abuse seriously – for about as long as it takes the reader to scroll down to see the “puddle of trouble” part.

Easy to imagine they were just dying to use that little quip but experienced a few moments of angst over trivializing what’s very likely to be a tragic situation for Scantlin’s partner and/or children, wishing it was solely the drug possession thing he’d been arrested over, but then said “eh, fuck it” and hit “publish” with that line in there anyway. Or maybe there was no such crisis of conscience.

Maybe there was even less guilt on the part of that writer than this one after a circa 2002 faux pas concerning Scantlin’s band. This reporter, 18 at the time, asked out loud “Why is ‘Puddle of Mudd’ abbreviated as ‘POD’? Shouldn’t it be ‘POM’?” to which a peer sporting blonde-frosted spiked hair tips, a chain wallet, and possibly a black “KORN” t-shirt exclaimed “THEY’RE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BANDS, YOU IDIOT!” This reporter then simply laughed in the face of the offended party.

At no point in the brief screed above did Congresswoman High School Dropout say she was actually going to file articles of impeachment against the judges who have been blocking the Trump regime’s autocratic ambitions – or putting them in a position to create a full-blown constitutional crisis by creating a situation in which the reich much more openly an unambiguously defies a court order. She did at least say “we” as in the House GOP majority, but otherwise she sounded more or less the same as some asshole on Twitter who has no agency to effect an impeachment against the “rogue” jurists. She could do it next Monday if she wanted to.

“Recent reports in the media that Social Security plans to eliminate telephone services are inaccurate. SSA is increasing its protection for America’s seniors and other beneficiaries by eliminating the risk of fraud associated with changing bank account information by telephone.”

“SSA continuously investigates and analyzes potential threats to strengthen and secure our programs and protect people who receive benefits. Approximately 40 percent of Social Security direct deposit fraud is associated with someone calling SSA to change direct deposit bank information. SSA’s current protocol of simply asking identifying questions by telephone is no longer enough to prevent fraud,” says a Social Security Administration press release dated March 12th, headlined “Correcting the Record about Social Security Direct Deposit and Telephone Services,” and posted to their website hours after the Washington Post reported that they’re going to pull the plug on live phone support, a lifeline for luddite seniors who can’t or won’t use online portals.

Now Axios reports that the next day an internal memo circulated outlining changes that still, in the words of one former administrator, “would, in essence, break the agency,” mostly by requiring recipients to verify their identity in-person at field offices (that are being closed) rather than over the phone. “People have a lot of trouble with the identification process” already, says Jen Burdick, a lawyer who provides free legal services to recipients and that the proposed changes in the new memo are “a way they’re trying to use red tape to literally block people from getting benefits.”

In related news last week, 82 year-old Washington state man Ned Johnson told the Seattle Times that he had $5,201 wiped from his bank account after he was declared dead by DOGE last month.

After weeks of calling and calling he finally went in person to an office that’s soon-to-be-closed by Musk, waited four hours, and weaseled in to get the attention of a worker to show them his passport. It worked, kind of as Ned was resurrected insomuch as the bank returned the $5,201 to his account, but still has yet to receive his February and March Social Security payments.

“Hunter Biden has had Secret Service protection for an extended period of time, all paid for by the United States Taxpayer. There are as many as 18 people on this Detail, which is ridiculous! He is currently vacationing in, of all places, South Africa, where the Human Rights of people has been strenuously questioned. Because of this, South Africa has been taken off our list of Countries receiving Economic and Financial Assistance. Please be advised that, effective immediately, Hunter Biden will no longer receive Secret Service protection. Likewise, Ashley Biden who has 13 agents will be taken off the list” posted convicted felon President Trump on Monday.

Suppose it’s the least Trump could do to Old Smokes-Crack-A-Lot after Joe pardoned him and James Comer failed so miserably at impeaching him for his failed Jared Kushner wannabe act

You hear that, MAGAmericans? Don’t blame Elon Musk if you lost your job at a federal agency or your Social Security payments got cut off abruptly. It’s Amy Gleason, the pencil pushing DEI hire bureaucrat piece of shit socialist who’s been ruining your life on a whim!

“April 2nd is Liberation Day for America, because we will start taking back some of the vast wealth that has been taken from us due to the many weak, incompetent, and perhaps even dishonest politicians who have represented us in the past!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Monday. If only that were actually true and we got some action at our own Place de la Révolution.

Meanwhile the New York Times reports that Fat Robespierre told the CEOs of the Big Three they need to “buckle up” and deal with it come the 2nd, that he will fuck up their supply chains.

And in more Truth Social posts, Donald also appointed moron hick Tommy Tuberville, small-faced freak Charlie Kirk, and Senator David McCormick’s wife Dina Powell to the Air Force Academy board, short guy Sean Spicer, former co-defendant Walt Nauta, Ronny “Dr Feelgood” Jackson, Wisconsin MAGA Congressman “Derek Van Order” [it’s “Van Orden,” fucking idiot spelled his name wrong], and Senator Tim Sheehy to the Naval Academy Board, and QAnon freak traitor Mike Flynn, MAGA Texas Congressman Wesley Hunt, and Steve’s daughter Maureen Bannon to the West Point board.

Unhinged right wing Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna on Monday tweeted “I seldom respond to nasty headlines because I don’t like giving trash credibility, however, being that there is allegedly a book coming out with me named and attacking @POTUS, his marriage, our first lady, and frankly implying something distasteful about me, I am responding. I was very pregnant and at the time experiencing pre-eclampsia symptoms, but was not diagnosed. As soon as [Trump] boarded the plane, being the gentleman and good person that he is, said if I did not feel well, I could use the back room. He did this in a respectful way and in front of my husband, of which we thanked him.”

“He also assured me that they had a medical team on board in case anything happened and they were aware of how pregnant I was. This was the most compassionate thing that could’ve been done at the time. I find it disgusting that the author fails to recognize that. A few weeks later, I was induced because I did have pre-eclampsia. The author of this book never reached out to me for comment. Which means that this book is likely going to be a shit hit piece. If people in POTUS orbit are talking to this author, they need to be cut off immediately. This is gross,” Luna continued.

The MAGA maniac was responding to an excerpt from Politico correspondent Alex Isenstadt’s upcoming book “Revenge: The Inside Story of Trump’s Return to Power,” previewed by the Daily Beast on Monday. In it, Isenstadt specifically writes that it wasn’t about him trying to fuck Luna, that she was pregnant and feeling sick, so Isenstadt did “recognize that,” quoting Donald as sating “If you need a bed to lay down in, there’s one here on the plane. If you feel sick and you need to lay there, you can lay on it.” The part that Luna’s apparently taking exception to is that Trump had then added a joke, saying “Just don’t tell Melania. She doesn’t like other women on my bed.”

A group of MAGA Minnesota state senators on Monday introduced a bill amending the state’s statutes on mental illnesses to include the following language on “Trump Derangement Syndrome”: “Minnesota Statutes 2024, section 245I.02, is amended by adding a subdivision to read: Subd. 40a Trump Derangement Syndrome. ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome’ means the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal persons that is in reaction to the policies and presidencies of President Donald J Trump. Symptoms may include Trump-induced general hysteria, which produces an inability to distinguish between legitimate policy differences and signs of psychic pathology in President Donald J Trump’s behavior. This may be expressed by: (1) verbal expressions of intense hostility toward President Donald J Trump; and (2) overt acts of aggression and violence against anyone supporting President Donald J Trump or anything that symbolizes President Donald J Trump.”

Lucky for these cheap sluts and their obnoxious trolling there’s no chance it’ll get passed. Otherwise some unhinged far left extremists could kidnap them, skin them alive for a livestream audience on the dark web, and then be found not guilty by reason of “Trump Derangement Syndrome.”

My companies make great products that people love and I’ve never physically hurt anyone.

So why the hate and violence against me?

Because I am a deadly threat to the woke mind parasite and the humans it controls. https://t.co/qYjoKkpC63

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 17, 2025

Images and information about the Navajo code talkers and other indigenous peoples – who served the US military as ready-made crypto communicators by the simple fact that their dialects were completely unknown to Japanese and German forces who would otherwise have enough English speakers among them assigned to listen in on open radio channels – have apparently been erased from Defense Department websites day drinking Secretary Pete Hegseth, Axios reports.

An extremely troubling email sent by a member of South Africa’s Antarctic research team stationed at the Sanae IV base alleging that one of their number had sexually assaulted a female coworker, attacked a male one, and threatened to kill others – and they’re all stuck with this guy for at least the next 10 months – nonetheless did not say anything about them having to shoot a crazed Norwegian staff member from a nearby base in the eye after he pursued a weird Siberian husky across the vast frozen wasteland, right after the other Norwegian stupidly blew up their own helicopter.

Per the UK’s Times, the email read “Regrettably, [crazy asshole’s] behaviour has escalated to a point that is deeply disturbing. Specifically, he physically assaulted [victim], which is a grave violation of personal safety and workplace norms… Furthermore, he threatened to kill [other victim], creating an environment of fear and intimidation. I remain deeply concerned about my own safety, constantly wondering if I might become the next victim. His behaviour has become increasingly egregious, and I am experiencing significant difficulty in feeling secure in his presence. It is imperative that immediate action is taken to ensure my safety and the safety of all employees.” Which is definitely bad.

Worse would be if they found the guy’s body covered in red, bloody slime and that’s when they realize the one who’s been attacking them is actually an impostor, so they have to dump a barrel of aviation fuel on him and light it up with a flare. Also the base’s doctor should absolutely not for any reason use a defibrillator, no matter how convincingly a team member is faking a heart attack.

“Advance estimates of US retail and food services sales for February 2025, adjusted for seasonal variation and holiday and trading-day differences, but not for price changes, were $722.7 billion, up 0.2 percent (±0.5 percent)* from the previous month, and up 3.1 percent (±0.5 percent) from February 2024. Total sales for the December 2024 through February 2025 period were up 3.8 percent (±0.5 percent) from the same period a year ago. The December 2024 to January 2025 change was revised from down 0.9 percent (±0.5 percent) to down 1.2 percent (±0.3 percent).”

“Retail trade sales were up 0.5 percent (±0.5 percent)* from January 2025, and up 3.4 percent (±0.5 percent) from last year. Food and beverage stores were up 3.9 percent (±0.7 percent) from last year, while nonstore retailers were up 6.5 percent (±1.4 percent) from February 2024,” the Commerce Department’s monthly update says. Economists had predicted a 0.7 increase, making this a pretty bad miss. But this is just a “detox period” and everything will be fine, et cetera.