“Secretary to the Cabinet, Mr Patrick K Kangwa has advised that, the nation will be updated shortly on the ongoing funeral arrangements relating to the funeral of the late President, Dr Edgar Chagwa Lungu as the family and Government consultative process has reached advanced stages. The Secretary to the Cabinet has further called for calm as the arrangments are being finalised,” says a very low-context, medium-typo Saturday press release from the Zambian Secretary of the Cabinet.

Lungu, 68, was a National Zero favorite and even in death he’s still a fucking asshole. Current President Hakinde Hichilema, 63, had defeated Lungu in 2021 after no fewer than five attempts in the 2006, 2008, 2011, 2015, and 2016 elections but spent the next four years being heckled by Lungu. And more than heckled as last year Lungu plotted a coup against Hichilema, who responded by putting Lungu on house arrest and having former First Lady Esther Lungu, daughter Chiyeso Katete, and another relative prosecuted for what were probably credible charges of property fraud.

And then there’s the time in December when several of Lungu’s minions were arrested for witchcraft rituals in which they sacrificed animals to put a dark hex on Hichilema. That one’s a long, funny story as one of the guys was the brother of a Lungu fanboy MP who escaped from a hospital…

You will not be shocked to learn Minnesota psychopath Vance Boelter has been described to KARE 11 by his roommate as having “voted for Trump” and is “a strong supporter.” Boelter is still at large.

Nothing like Canadian news to give a good perspective and switch feeds across the US.

The headline’s all you need to know about what the Orange God Emperor just posted on his shitty Twitter clone. Or maybe that it lasted roughly an hour. Everything else was just meaningless noise.

Julio Rosas, a reporter for Glenn Beck’s right wing propaganda site claims he’s been “told by a police source in Minnesota the suspect in the shootings of MN state lawmakers is Vance Luther Boelter.”

Boelter was appointed to the state Governor’s Workforce Development Board by Dem Gov Mark Dayton in 2016 and then reappointed by Tim Walz in 2019. His term expired in January 2023 and it does not appear he was reappointed after that. Boelter’s LinkedIn claims he’s got a doctorate in education and lists him as “CEO – Red Lion Group” in the “Democratic Republic of Congo” since December 2021 but before that as “General Manager – 7-Eleven” from “Apr 2016 – Nov 2021.”

Soooooooo something’s not quite right. Minnesota doesn’t list voter party affiliation so that’s a dead end. Facebook locked his profile but National Zero was able to view it briefly in the first few minutes after Boelter’s name began to spread. He’d had the privacy settings on pretty high in that all that could be viewed were his profile pics, none of which contained any indication of his politics either way. One of those bullshit “people finder” sites lists his city and zip as Greene Isle, Minnesota 55338 and on OpenSecrets.org there’s a Mary Boelter with a handful of small donations to Republicans.

And per CNN the suspect’s car contained a list including Dem Senator Tina Smith as well as abortion providers, pro-abortion rights advocates, and lawmakers in Minnesota and other states. ABC News reports the list also included Walz, state AG Keith Ellison, and Congresswoman Ilhan Omar.

"I have been briefed on the terrible shooting that took place in Minnesota, which appears to be a targeted attack against State Lawmakers. Our Attorney General, Pam Bondi, and the FBI, are investigating the situation, and they will be prosecuting anyone involved to the fullest… pic.twitter.com/Gzq4qk5VkK

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) June 14, 2025

Minnesota Governor Tim Walz on Saturday announced that Democrat state Representative Melissa Hortman and her husband were killed by the still-unidentified gunman and/or his accomplice earlier this morning. Walz called the attacks on Hortman and state Senator John Hoffman – who Walz said he and his wife are still in surgery Saturday morning – a “politically motivated assassination.”

Hortman was the top-ranking Dem in the state House had entered into a complex power-sharing agreement with Republican leader Lisa Demuth as the result of a 67-67 tie in the chamber’s makeup.

North Slope Borough, Alaska Mayor Josiah Aullaqsruaq Patkotak has survived a recall effort due to the incompetence of the rebels who were trying to take him down, Alaska Public Media reports.

The 31 year-old independent former Acting Speaker of the state House and lead actor in the middling 2011 Sundance film festival entrant On The Ice had been accused of expensing tens of thousands of dollars of public funds on first class airfare on trips to New York City, Peru, DC, Los Angeles, Seattle, and other places, often booking luxury accommodations and bringing his family along with him. In December 2024 the borough assembly, led by Assembly President Crawford Patkotak – yes, he’s the mayor’s dad – voted 8 to 3 to legalize expensing travel costs for family members. This was still after the $16,000 September 2024 trip to the International Whaling Conference in Lima, Peru where Patkotak – whose salary is $280,000 a year, nearly twice that of Alaska Gov Mike Dunleavy’s $145,000 – stayed eight nights in a luxury suite equipped with a hot tub and sauna, bringing his wife and infant daughter along with him on important whaling business.

So yeah it should’ve been a slam dunk politically and easy enough to get more than 371 verified signatures in a borough (Alaska’s word for “county”) of 11,031 in two months, even if it is the size the state of Utah. The Arctic Ocean shore city of Utqiagvik, formerly Point Barrow, is home to nearly 5,000 people. Yet this week Borough Clerk Sheila Burke (lol) issued her determination that only 153 signatures had been verified in a jurisdiction where Patkotak won the October 3, 2023 election to his post with 796 votes while his three opponents received a combined total of 669 votes.

TACO Man forgot how to spell “parade” nine words after all-caps typing it in correctly on Saturday, posting “OUR GREAT MILITARY PARADE IS ON, RAIN OR SHINE. REMEMBER, A RAINY DAY PERADE BRINGS GOOD LUCK. I’LL SEE YOU ALL IN DC” on Truth Social ahead of his big birthday “perade.”

There’s no tradition asserting rain on a parade is good luck. Some cultures do consider it a blessing if it rains during a wedding, but the closest reference to the stupid shit Trump posted is the turn of phrase “I hate to rain on your parade” which means “I’m hesitant to deliver bad news while you’re excited about something that’s important to you,” one that’s awfully literal in this context.

He also posted “This is a big day for America!!! DJT” and “HAPPY FLAG DAY!” as he just barely mustered the restraint necessary to suppress the urge to post “Happy Birthday to me!”

A person dressed up as a cop shot Democrats Minnesota state Senator John Hoffman and his wife, state Representative Melissa Hortman, and her husband in the Minneapolis suburb of Brooklyn Park early Saturday morning, Fox 9 reports. The suspect is still on the loose and Gov Tim Walz activated the state emergency response center. Details are otherwise sketchy, but it would seem targeted.

“The suspect is a white man with brown hair wearing black body armor over a blue shirt and blue pants and he may be impersonating law enforcement. Authorities say there were two suspects involved in the shooting. One suspect is in custody after an officer-involved shooting in Brooklyn Park,” Fox 9 writes on what appears to be an act of MAGA terrorism until proven otherwise.

In an interview from ICE’s LaSalle Detention Center in Jena, Louisiana, where pro-Trump Danish man Kasper Eriksen has been detained since April while his American wife is alone with four kids under the age of 10, all thanks to a paperwork fuckup from 2015, Eriksen tells his native country’s Ekstra Bladet newspaper it’s actually Joe Biden’s fault for some reason he didn’t really explain.

“The reason I’m sitting here is more or less a product of the Biden Administration. They were the ones who let me go through this process without saying there was a problem. They didn’t keep an eye on it. It wasn’t until Trump that things got sorted out,” said Eriksen who, despite never personally ever having cast a ballot for Donald, posted upwards of 2,000 MAGA memes on social media before he was locked up. Wife Savannah agreed, saying “We are conservatives, we own guns, and we will give our lives for our country. Kasper is trapped in a broken system, but we still support the president and the things he does. But just because you support someone, it doesn’t mean you support them 110 percent in everything they say and do.” Savannah and her four kids are living in an RV now because Kasper obviously can’t work while locked up with 100 mostly Latino men.

Asked if they still support Trump’s immigration policies, Savannah said “Yes, and we still do. As Kasper says, 90 percent of those who are trapped [slightly dicey translation by Google] now do not deserve to be in the country. They do not speak English, they came here illegally, they have criminal backgrounds. I do not feel safe with them in the country. Then there are 10 percent who have documentation and who are caught in the system. When so many people enter the country illegally, it hits hard. We just had no idea that it would hit us so hard.” Got what she voted for.

The real divide isn’t between people who support Israel and people who support Iran or the Palestinians. The real divide is between those who casually encourage violence, and those who seek to prevent it — between warmongers and peacemakers. Who are the warmongers? They would…

— Tucker Carlson (@TuckerCarlson) June 13, 2025

“They would include anyone who’s calling Donald Trump today to demand air strikes and other direct US military involvement in a war with Iran. On that list: Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, Rupert Murdoch, Ike Perlmutter and Miriam Adelson. At some point they will all have to answer for this, but you should know their names now,” Tucker continued after the cutoff. He seems to not like Jews.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average on Friday closed down 770 points at 42,197.79, the S&P 500 down 68.29 points at 5,976.97, the Nasdaq down 255.66 at 19,406.83 and Brent crude up 7 percent to $74.23 a barrel, all because Israel started bombing Iran and Trump was too weak to stop it. Sad.

“The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) and the FBI are offering a $10,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the four criminal illegal aliens who escaped from Delaney Hall Detention Facility in New Jersey. The safety of Americans and the Newark community is the DHS’ top priority. ‘DHS has become aware of four detainees at the privately held Delaney Hall Detention Facility escaping. Additional law enforcement partners have been brought in to find these escapees and a BOLO has been disseminated,’ said a Senior DHS Official. ‘We encourage the public to call 911 or the ICE Tip Line: 866-DHS-2-ICE if they have information that may lead to the locating of these individuals. DHS and the FBI are offering a $10,000 reward for any information that leads to the arrest of these public safety threats,'” says cheap-ass Kristi Noem’s Department of Homeland Security in a press release. It doesn’t say $10,000 each, so it’s probably $2,500 if you get one.

“On June 12, four criminal illegal aliens breached security at Delaney Hall. Contrary to current reporting, there has been no widespread unrest at the Delaney Hall Detention facility. This privately held facility remains dedicated to providing high-quality services, including include around-the-clock access to medical care, in-person and virtual legal and family visitation, general and legal library access, translation services, dietician-approved meals, religious and specialty diets, recreational amenities, and opportunities to practice their religious beliefs,” the press release continued as if to say “Why would they ever want to escape? This place is GREAT, so much better these ‘Dangerous Criminal Illegal Aliens’ deserve! Such ungrateful little punk-ass bastards.”

🚨BREAKING: Rep. Anna Paulina Luna announces George Soros and Neville Singham are being called in to testify over funding leftist riots and radical political groups:

"Soros.. Singham.. A letter going out.. Testify or you will be subpoenaed. Ignore that and you will go to jail." pic.twitter.com/5WOG9YJTjy

— Benny Johnson (@bennyjohnson) June 13, 2025

No, Indian-British woman Bhoomi Chauhan is not a real-life version of a Final Destination movie protagonist, no matter what you might think when you read about her Thursday in the BBC.

First off, she was traveling alone. A canonical Final Destination movie’s plot would mean that she would’ve had to have friends with her to die horribly one by one before she did or at the very least have somehow also prevented about five or six strangers from getting on the flight too. That seems unlikely. Second and more importantly than the first actually, she never made it on board Air India Flight 171. She would’ve needed to be on the plane and have a premonition before takeoff and then get off and see it crash. Chauhan just got stuck in traffic, argued with the check-in agents, got really pissed, and it took too long for her to get through security, only to miss her flight by 10 minutes.

So no, death is not stalking her now that she cheated it through a random psychic premonition and then there’s this whole 90 minutes of increasingly elaborate and gruesome fatal accidents involving lawnmowers and buses and tanning beds – and that fire escape ladder shit was brutal – until she either finds some way to cheat death or she doesn’t. Don’t be silly. It was just traffic that saved her.

This is why nobody can have nice things. The New Hampshire Bulletin reports that Republicans in the Granite State’s Senate – 16R to 8D – have scrapped their own Medicaaid prescription bill after the MAGA clowns in the House – 220 R, 177 D, 2 I – did what you already guessed from the headline.

The stupid story begins with current law that requires the state’s Medicaid program to purchase only generic versions, if available, of prescription drugs. SB119’s was meant to save taxpayers money by allowing the state to purchase brand name drugs for Medicaid recipients when they’re cheaper than the generics, which happens sometimes. Probably by design too because Big Pharma never misses an opportunity for maximize shareholder value. The state Senate passed it easily and sent it down to the House, where it was promptly amended to also make ivermectin an over-the-counter drug not requiring a prescription. The amendment meant the state Senate would have to vote on it again to approve the bill. They did not and now it’s as dead as ivermectin fans flat-earther Mark Parhar, Pennsylvania man Keith Smith, ivermectin “guru” Danny Lemoi, and untold hundreds, maybe thousands, of other morons over the last few years. Oh and that sheriff in Georgia too, lol.

A bill to allow horse race betting online that the House then amended to remove the state health commissioner’s ability to require that children receive certain vaccines died the exact same way.

FAKE NEWS. At this house was an illegal alien from Mexico who had previously been deported. His criminal history includes drug trafficking and assault.

ICE had a warrant for his arrest. https://t.co/YtVtNhjoqE

— Homeland Security (@DHSgov) June 13, 2025

BREAKING: 4 migrants escape from Newark detention facility, senior DHS official confirms pic.twitter.com/xr7d07YnVT

— Fox News (@FoxNews) June 13, 2025

Why haven’t they called the second one “fake news” yet? Does that mean these guys actually escaped and are currently on the loose in Newark? Or did they not just get to “debunking” it yet?

Asked by Axios’s Barak Ravid if he believes the chances of a nuclear deal with Iranian leadership have been nuked, convicted felon President Trump on Friday said “I don’t think so. Maybe the opposite. Maybe now they will negotiate seriously. I gave Iran 60 days, today is day 61… They should have made a deal.” The fat bastard said he was just about to go into the situation room.

Ravid then writes that Trump “argued that after Israel’s crippling strikes, Iran now has a stronger incentive to cut a deal,” lol what a fucking moron. “I couldn’t get them to a deal in 60 days. They were close, they should have done it. Maybe now it will happen,” Trump told Ravid.

Earlier on Friday Trump told CNN’s Dana Bash the Iranian negotiators are dead, meaning he’s making shit up or he’s telling the truth but somehow expects their replacements to be more amenable.