Relief from your suffering is nigh, Trump fans. In less than 20 hours you will be delivered from the oppressions the Biden Regime inflicted upon your people simply for having different opinions on the dangers of 5G technology and the efficacy of horse dewormer as a cure for COVID. The fecklessness with which “Brandon” managed the economy, costing you $18 for a Big Mac Extra Value meal and $99 for an NFT of Trump dressed like Elvis Presley. The way crime was out of control starting in 2020 when scumbags saw the then-former Vice President was leading in the polls and thus felt safe committing horrific acts of depravity against decent Americans. The insane open borders policy that cost what felt like thousands of cats, dogs, and ducks in Ohio their sweet innocent lives. The sense of insecurity wrought by wars in Ukraine and Gaza that never would have happened if those bamboo ballots hadn’t stolen his scared victory in the 2020 election.

That horror show ends at noon on Monday. America will be safe and rich again, and the world will be at peace – except for possibly in Greenland, Panama, and Canada. All 20 million or however many undocumented migrants will be rounded up and removed. The border will be closed. Birthright citizenship will be ended. Every person convicted of a crime committed during the January 6th, 2021 Capitol insurrection will be pardoned. Everything imported from Mexico, Canada, and China will be hit with massive tariffs to the benefit of the American worker and their families, as tariffs will pay for free universal child care nationwide. And that’s just on day one of his historic second administration.

The explosion of solar farms in rural parts of the United States have brought job and food security to untold thousands of dumb sheep who have no fucking idea whatsoever of what outgoing President Biden’s energy policies have done to make their lives better, the Associated Press reports.

One company that services solar farms outside of Austin alone employs over 8,000 of these uneducated and foul-smelling rural Texans who are tasked with removing the grass and weeds before they can grow high enough to block any sunlight from reaching the photovoltaic panels. And there’s a lot of such work with the proliferation of solar farms across Texas and other Red States.

“Just the growth has been kind of crazy for us,” said sheepherder JR Howard, who named his company Texas Solar Sheep. “It’s been great for me and my family,” Howard continued, adding he expects to nearly double his 28-strong human workforce by the end of the year. Just going to stay out of speculating about whether he and however many on his staff that are adult US citizens voted.

National Park Service officials tell WUSA9 anchor Simone De Alba that, at the request of convicted felon President-Elect Trump’s Inaugural Committee, the jumbotrons that would’ve broadcast a feed of his safe and warm swearing-in ceremony inside the rotunda have been taken down.

De Alba did not provide specifics on why. However it’s easy to imagine that the fat fuck doesn’t want ANY of his fans there outside the Capitol because providing them with such a half-measure would be an invitation, one that would only be answered by maybe a few more of the same number of hardcore fanboys and girls that are still going to show up Monday morning. This way at least Trump’s minions can say the cultists showed up 100 percent of their own volition and were not prompted to by anything on his end. Which in turn lets them disown the no doubt abysmal turnout.

Officials on Maine’s Mt Desert Island say it could be a while before they can get the U-Haul that broke through the ice and sank in Echo Lake early Saturday out of the water as they need the ice to thicken again before a marine salvage company can pull it out, the Portland Press-Herald reports.

Cops say a 75 year-old man became confused and missed a turn, driving ones of the ubiquitous rental box trucks out onto the frozen lake at some point late Friday or early Saturday. He made it pretty far: About 450 yards before the roughly five inches of ice gave way and the front of the truck became submerged. The driver was able to climb to the top of the vehicle and dial 911, with first responders completing the rescue at 4:45 AM. The man was hospitalized briefly and released.

The truck later sank into the depths of the icy lake. No details on what was in it, if anything, were made public. It’s also unclear why the marine salvage operation will try to effect a recovery when the ice is sturdy enough rather than simply wait until April to winch the truck out from its watery grave.

Jesus Dork Speaker of the House Mike Johnson could’ve just said “No” when asked by NBC’s Kristen Welker on Sunday if he had a plan for bringing down grocery prices for Americans as is supposedly Republicans’ mandate to do and the one thing they campaigned the most on.

Asked if he would commit to not requiring “strings” for aid to Southern California’s rebuilding after the massive wildfires that are still burning, Johnson said no but again, like every other Republican, did not actually set any conditions on what would need to change. Lastly, on the topic of convicted felon President-Elect Trump pardoning Capitol rioters, Welker reminded Johnson that the fat bastard had told her last month that “he’s not ruling out anyone. So my question for you, would you oppose a pardon for someone who has pleaded guilty to assaulting a police officer?”

“We commend Amazon, Apple, Google, and Microsoft for following the law and halting operations with ByteDance and TikTok, and we encourage other companies to do the same. The law, after all, risks ruinous bankruptcy for any company who violates it. Now that the law has taken effect, there’s no legal basis for any kind of ‘extension’ of its effective date. For TikTok to come back online in the future, ByteDance must agree to a sale that satisfies the law’s qualified-divestiture requirements by severing all ties between TikTok and Communist China. Only then will Americans be protected from the grave threat posed to their privacy and security by a communist-controlled TikTok,” say far right Republican Senators Tom Cotton and Pete Ricketts in a statement that leaves zero doubt as to whether they’ll actually challenge convicted felon President-Elect Trump on this.

They won’t, lol. The statement came an hour after the fat bastard posted “SAVE TIKTOK!”

Later Donald simply pulled a new idea out of his ample ass, writing “I’m asking companies not to let TikTok stay dark! I will issue an executive order on Monday to extend the period of time before the law’s prohibitions take effect, so that we can make a deal to protect our national security. The order will also confirm that there will be no liability for any company that helped keep TikTok from going dark before my order. Americans deserve to see our exciting Inauguration on Monday, as well as other events and conversations,” as if it won’t be on other platforms and actual television.

“I would like the United States to have a 50 percent ownership position in a joint venture. By doing this, we save TikTok, keep it in good hands and allow it to say up. Without US approval, there is no Tik Tok. With our approval, it is worth hundreds of billions of dollars – maybe trillions. Therefore, my initial thought is a joint venture between the current owners and/or new owners whereby the US gets a 50 percent ownership in a joint venture set up between the US and whichever purchase we so choose,” Trump continued, thereby endorsing state ownership and communism.

Incoming Trump Reichsminister of National Purity Tom Homan is reconsidering plans for ICE raids in Chicago starting this week, claiming that the leak of him boasting that the Deep Dish City would be the first target on his list is causing him to back off temporarily, the Washington Post reports.

“ICE will start arresting public safety threats and national security threats on day one,” Homan told the Post. “We’ll be arresting people across the country, uninhibited by any prior administration guidelines. Why Chicago was mentioned specifically, I don’t know. This is nationwide thing.”

“The Wall Street Journal, which was first to report on the possible raid, wrote that Homan said at a holiday party last month in Chicago that the administration would start raids ‘right here’ and threatened to prosecute Mayor Brandon Johnson (D) for harboring undocumented immigrants if he got in the way,” the Post writes, which is exactly why “Chicago was mentioned specifically.”

…then he got back on. Kind of. Things moved fast for the man. Very fast.

Citing German federal police, the BBC reports the unidentified 40 year-old Hungarian national is lucky to be alive and only facing a misdemeanor charge of “an act disruptive to operations” after clinging to outside of the train that had accelerated to at least 175 miles per hour before other passengers saw him hanging on for dear life on Thursday. The man had tried to get back on the Lübeck-bound express train after stepping out for a smoke at a station in Ingolstadt, Bavaria.

“A police officer from the state police who happened to be traveling with the train found the 40 year-old Hungarian ‘passenger’ and brought him on to the train,” said a federal police spokesman. Cops brought the train to a halt about 18 miles north and detained the man, who was also supposedly traveling without a ticket. Not sure how they could rule out that he dropped it while clinging to the outside of a train that was moving at 175 miles per hour in Bavaria in freaking January.

5/ If you believe you should receive a refund, please contact the President-elect at https://t.co/KVdevsVfct.

— Rep. Jason Crow (@RepJasonCrow) January 18, 2025

Spoiler alert: The “FAQ” page at t47inaugural.com says nothing about refunds for money spent to attend the event they’re no longer invited to. And they’re not happy about getting fucked over.

Citing “concerns” that the impeached and suspended leader could “destroy evidence” if allowed out, a judge in South Korea extended right wing shitbrain President Yoon Suk Yeol’s detention for at least the next 20 days while prosecutors consider indicting the asshole on charges of rebellion and abuse of power over his December 3rd martial law declaration, Reuters reports.

Canadian Foreign Minister Mélanie Joly tells the New York Times that Mapleland is going to be “surgical” if and when they have to retaliate against convicted felon President-Elect Trump’s 25 percent tariff on all exports, saying they’re going to inflict whatever pain they can on Red and swing states, levying tolls on Florida orange juice, Tennessee whisky, Kentucky peanut butter and so on.

Joly said she communicated the planned politically-motivated retribution in meetings with Senate Majority Leader John Thune and his lieutenants Lindsey Graham and Jim Risch, letting them know what it’ll be their job to talk the Orange God Emperor out of his mutually destructive impulses.

“My job here is to be able to talk about facts, and that comes before any threat of counter tariffs from our side. Because then the senators might say, ‘Well, why are we doing this? Why are we imposing tariffs? It’s affecting my own constituency,'” Joly told the Times. “Never underestimate Canadians. We fight very hard, and we’re very courageous. We are willing to be surgical and appropriate to have an impact on American jobs,” she continued, as though the MAGA propaganda-industrial complex wouldn’t somehow figure out a way to sell it to the aggrieved as “Canadian aggression” or “economic terrorism” or whatever and that now Trump has to order military strikes.

My NEW Official Trump Meme is HERE! It’s time to celebrate everything we stand for: WINNING! Join my very special Trump Community. GET YOUR $TRUMP NOW. Go to https://t.co/GX3ZxT5xyq — Have Fun! pic.twitter.com/flIKYyfBrC

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 18, 2025

Not even going to pretend to understand what’s going on here, but Twitter user “Crypto Rug Muncher” (lol), writes this is actually a crypto coin – as in a Bitcoin knockoff – rather than an NFT like those $99 “collectable cards” he keeps selling, writing “@realDonaldTrump has dropped what might be the biggest grift in crypto meme coin history: $TRUMP. Days before taking the presidency, he launches a coin with 80 percent allocated, unlocking over 3–12 months and throughout his presidency. Does he want the presidency – or just to scam? Buckle up, wild times are here.”

Does the “80 percent allocated” part means the fat fuck’s hanging on to 20 percent so he can offload the memes or coins or whatever the hell they are at a later date after his dipshit fanboys buy up the rest of them and drive up the price? That one reply says “Would be pretty crazy if he gave American people stimmies with the profits… or some other use for the American people. Very interested to see what happens with this money,” would seem to indicate they do in fact understand that’s the scam here and are resorting to fantasies of magnanimity for their copium.

Impeached and detained conservative South Korean Prersident Yoon Suk Yeol spent his Saturday pleading with a judge to let him out of detention, personally speaking for 40 minutes during a nearly five hour-long closed-door meeting over whether to formalize Yoon’s arrest on sedition charges stemming from his batshit stupid December 3rd declaration of martial law, the AP reports.

If the judge sides with anti-corruption prosecutors in a decision expected either late Saturday or early Sunday Yoon will spend at least the next 20 days behind bars while prosecutors consider a formal indictment, which he’s looking at minimum six months in the joint before his trial can begin if he’s accused of abuse of power and/or orchestrating a rebellion. Yoon could face life imprisonment or even the death penalty if convicted of the latter. Both are being considered by prosecutors.

“The Los Angeles water chief has been given a police security detail amid ‘threats’ against her and water employees, as wildfires swept through Southern California,” Fox News reports, citing LAPD sources and putting “threats” in quotation marks as if the reason for Los Angeles Department of Water and Power’s CEO Janisse Quinones now having round-the-clock police protection is somehow questionable, even as Fox acknowledges there have indeed been threats issued.

“One LAPD source cited the recent shooting in New York of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson,” the article continues, acknowledging that maybe the threats may be more than merely aspirational or abstract venting by those suffering. Fox News then writes that “Quinones reportedly makes $750,000 per year. She is facing public criticism over Los Angeles’ fire preparedness and water distribution amid the wildfires in the area,” as if to say “people are very angry and might do something to this overpaid DEI hire who didn’t open the water mains from Northern California.”

“Quinones has also previously said she views her position through an ‘equity lense [sic]’ and uses it to provide social justice,” the article concludes in an implied moral justification for murdering her.

See if this were a proper double feature then it would be Darkest Hour and Downfall since they both start with new personal secretaries doing a tryout with their future bosses… And there’s some other stuff in common too. But actually Downfall, the 2004 retelling of Adolf Hitler’s last 10 days, is harrowing, depressing, and necessary. Also executed more or less perfectly, if noticeably within the budget limitations of a production outside of Hollywood-level financing. Maybe a hint of corniness and bullshit to the subplot of 11 and 12 year-old kids recruited to fight to the death in the Battle of Berlin, but pretty much every scene inside the Fuhrerbunker just feels so chillingly real.

Darkest Hour? Something seems just off about the scenes underground as Churchill battled with Lord Halifax and Neville Chamberlain. Something inauthentic. The subway scene was not off so much as fucking awful. But Gary Oldman is great – his best performance since True Romance, as are Ben Mendelsohn as King George VI and Kristin Scott Thomas as Clementine Churchill. It’s worth a watch as an intro point to the state of British politics in the spring of 1940, as the nation stared down the barrel of the Wehrmacht and nearly capitulated. Just don’t take it as historical gospel.

Hahahaha! National Zero with those “gotcha” headlines omitting which country’s former president faces arrested for this or that crime a certain other former president has been credibly accused of.

Or just straight up did. This time the AP reports it’s Bolivia’s 65 year-old former leader Evo Morales, who’s now wanted for arrest after skipping a hearing over allegations he knocked up a teenage girl in 2016, a case in which – surprise – Morales says he’s the real “victim” of political retribution.

Morales has effectively barricaded himself somewhere in his home region, protected from arrest by local leaders like Isidro Vaca who says “We have to take care of him, we are not going to allow (him to be arrested). We will stand by his side 24 hours a day.” Ughhhhhhh… Alright, enough.

“The House Sergeant at Arms has been informed by the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies (JCCIC) that the 60th Inaugural Ceremonies will be held inside the US Capitol. As a result, the majority of ticketed guests will not be able to attend the ceremonies in person, although offices are welcome to distribute tickets to constituents in the manner they think best, if they would like to do so. It is our understanding from the JCCIC that all Members of Congress will be invited to the indoor ceremony. With the exception of tickets in sections three and four, House Members of JCCIC recommend that your offices relay constituents that their tickets will be commemorative.”

“A decision on the seating of ticket sections three and four is still in development by JCCIC,” says a memo from the House Sergeant at Arms to members, emphasis added on the “commemorative” part, lol. Hardcore Trump groupies can commemorate a ceremony they were disinvited from.

“Enjoy soup like never before – Progresso™, your go-to for comforting, premium soups, is innovating beyond expectations this cold and flu season with the launch of the first-ever limited-edition Soup Drops. What’s a Soup Drop? Well, it’s soup you can suck on, of course! While most folks flock to the cough drop aisle at the first sign of a cold, Progresso is here to say, ‘Hold my spoon!’ Progresso Soup Drops deliver the classic, hearty flavor of Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup in a format that will definitely SOUPrise fans – it’s a convenient hard candy drop – reminding you of the comfort you can find in a bowl of Progresso Soup. These savory drops are arriving for a limited time this month for National Soup Month, right at the height of cold and flu season. Now, there’s no spoon needed to dive into the classic taste of the iconic Progresso Traditional Chicken Noodle Soup, but you certainly can reach for the real thing if you’re looking for that feeling of a hug in a bowl!” says General Mills in a press release, and yeah they’re fucking serious with this “soup you can suck on,” um, candy.

The release continues with a quote from General Mills Progresso Unit VP Maria Comings. “For decades, Progresso Soup has brought you cozy comfort on chilly days or when you’re under the weather. When you’re sick, nothing is truly more reassuring than Chicken Noodle Soup. So, we thought, why stop at the soup bowl? We took the beloved flavors of our Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup and packed them into a fun, savory candy Soup Drop for a totally new way to enjoy the taste you love whenever and wherever you want,” said Comings. It’s not clear if this was her idea or what.

Sources tell the Wall Street Journal that executives at Paramount recently held a meeting where they floating settling with convicted felon President-Elect Trump over the lawsuit he filed against subsidiary CBS demanding $10 billion for “election interference” because they supposedly deceptively edited the 60 Minutes interview with Vice President Kamala Harris – the traditional election year double interview for both candidates that Trump pussied out of doing.

Naturally the settlement would have nothing to do with the merits of the complaint itself but because Paramount is eyeing a merger with Skydance Media, a film studio founded by tech billionaire Larry Ellison’s son. “It’s become clear to executives at both companies that Trump’s dissatisfaction with CBS News will make the review tougher than they anticipated, and that they’ll likely need to offer concessions to win approval,” the Journal writes, citing sources familiar.

It need not be written, but nevertheless this appeasement bid is some Viktor Orban-level shit.