Justice Department Deputy something whatever title Trump gave him after withdrawing his nomination as DC US Attorney Ed Martin on Tuesday told reporters that Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer apologizing for some non-threat to the Supreme Court Justices “made it difficult to charge him with a crime,” but added it was “shameful” conduct, Politico’s Kyle Cheney reports.

Separately, per CBS’s Scott MacFarlane, Martin claimed the department is reviewing the validity of Joe Biden’s last minute pardons, but declined to answer whether he’s actually trying to investigate the members of the House January 6th Select Committee, only that the pardons “need scrutiny.”

Fanboys must be thrilled at all this action coming out of the newly MAGAfied Justice Department.

If you have questions over whether convicted felon President Trump is getting some truly royal treatment from Prince Bonesaw and his minions then look no further than this content-free “Not the Bee” article with several tweets showing that there is in fact a McDonald’s on a tractor trailer following the fat bastard around wherever he goes within the Islamic theocratic state.

Illinois paper straw manufacturer Gaetano “Guy” Spinelli, the Trump voter whose business is in a death spiral with orders down 85 percent since last year after his customers ghosted for reasons unclear following the convicted felon president’s declaration of jihad against them, tells WBEZ he’s going to be out of business before the end of year if things don’t turn around soon, somehow.

Apparently Spinelli has quickened his pace of sending unanswered correspondence to the White House as last month he told the Chicago Tribune the number was at five letters and a dozen emails with the number now at 10 letters and 25 emails. “I’m not a billionaire like him,” Spinelli said. “Two million dollars,” the amount of his life savings that he invested in launching Boss Straw “is a lot of money for me. Us little guys, who he claims he’s for – he should be proud of us.”

Standing inside his factory now with four fewer than the nine employees he began the year with, 14 million unsold paper straws, and 15 percent of the previous year’s sales volume, Spinelli said “We got to get China out of this marketplace because they’re ruining the world. I don’t want anything from China. They’re the worst thieves in the world,” and that he supports Trump “getting illegal immigrants out of the country. The things he has done are exactly what he campaigned on.”

Except the part about paper straws. “What do you think that does to a paper straw company? It cripples us because the president said it,” Spinelli lamented. “If it keeps up the way it is, he will drive me out of business by the end of this year. It would be the end of the story.” Stick around for if and when National Zero can report that Spinelli and Boss Straw’s story does indeed truly well end.

Wow, what a brilliant plot twist from the writers. “THEY’RE TREN DE ARAGUA’S SWORN ENEMIES EXCEPT THEY’RE EVEN MORE VIOLENT AND THEY’RE IN RURAL AMERICA,” will definitely keep them tuning in and on the edges of their seats. But why “Anti-Tren”? Couldn’t they come up with something better and more sinister-sounding like “LOS DIABLOS DE MUERTE” or whatever?

Might work better for keeping the asses in the seats, but then again Fox News viewers aren’t all that picky when it comes to the content that lines up with their version of facts. Nor are they going to notice if say, a year or two from now, there’s an even newer, sweatier, more tattooed Venezuelan gang emerging that it would kind of undercut convicted felon President Trump’s campaign promise to have extirpated them from the United States. The writers will fix that quick by coming up with a story about them secretly having hid in basements in sanctuary cities for several years before taking to the streets again, if they even end up needing to put in that kind of effort for the audience.

“On May 5, 2025, the Captive Primate Safety Act (HR 3199/S 1594) – legislation that would ban the private ownership of primates in the US – was reintroduced in Congress. The introduction of this important bill was further heralded by Rep Mike Quigley – the House champion of the bill – touring the Born Free USA Primate Sanctuary on Friday, May 9. His timely visit allowed the congressman to meet some of the victims of the primate pet trade and learn more about their stories.”

“‘Monkeys and apes belong in the wild — not in living rooms,’ said Congressman Mike Quigley (IL-05), co-chair of the Congressional Animal Protection Caucus. ‘This bill will ban private possession of these animals, ensuring that we are safe and primates are able to live freely. As the lead sponsor of the 2022 Big Cat Protection Law, I’m proud to sponsor the Captive Primate Safety Act to advance the same protections for primates.’ Monkeys housed at the sanctuary include Wally, a Rhesus macaque who, despite his small size, caused his former owner serious injury by biting off part of her ear, and Gizmo, an illegally kept vervet monkey, who was surrendered after attacking his owner’s son-in-law. These are just two of the sanctuary residents who were surrendered or confiscated after attacking their owners while kept as pets,” says Quigley’s office in a press release.

It’s not clear if any opponents of the bill will use “chimps don’t rip people’s faces off, their owners let them rip people’s faces off,” as a slogan because that one would need a lot of fine-tuning.

Asked whether there was any truth to convicted felon President Trump’s Monday assertion that he offered major concessions on trade to get them and Pakistan to stop fighting, India Foreign Ministry spokesman Randhir Jaiswal said “the issue of trade didn’t not come up in any of these discussions” with JD Vance and Marco Rubio before the ceasefire was reached, the Associated Press reports.

“I said, come on, we’re going to do a lot of trade with you guys. Let’s stop it. Let’s stop it. If you stop it, we’ll do a trade. If you don’t stop it, we’re not going to do any trade,’” Trump told reporters on Monday. “And all of a sudden, they said, I think we’re going to stop. For a lot of reasons, but trade is a big one.” It’s not clear why Trump didn’t just tell reporters that Indian dictator Narendra Modi didn’t complement him on the size of his penis and say it was so huge that they should stop fighting.

Like why not just make the story better if he’s already simply lying about what had happened?

Convicted felon President Trump’s regime, still coasting on that horseshit “antisemitism” line, pulled another $450 million in research grants to Harvard on Tuesday, this coming on top of the $2.2 billion already ripped from them for refusing to submit to a MAGA takeover, USA Today reports.

UnitedHealth CEO Andrew Witty on Tuesday abruptly announced he was stepping down for “personal reasons,” which may or may not be that he’s afraid of getting shot dead by some future heartthrob, Reuters reports. Witty’s role was not the same as the late and not-so-great Brian Thompson, who was the CEO of the congolmerate’s insurance unit, meaning Thompson reported to Witty. Share prices dropped 11 percent, even after the company announced former CEO Stephen Hemsley, who stepped down in 2017, will be returning to the role on an at least interim basis.

Convicted felon President Trump will on Tuesday speak to wealthy backers of oil extraction, construction, and radical Islamic terror projects in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, likely after having downed some Monster Energy drink and 120mg Adderall to stay awake amid some struggles earlier.

The protests of a small group of Blue State Republicans demanding the reinstatement of the State and Local tax deduction cap killed in convicted felon President Trump’s 2017 bill are being ignored as the “Big Beautiful Bill” is being written, Punchbowl’s Jake Sherman reports, writing that a $30,000 cap won’t cut it for “moderate” Mike Lawler who claims he’ll vote against the bill.

Weinery Ways and Means chair Jason Smith reportedly told Lawler and the others it isn’t his job to negotiate with members who aren’t in his committee. Really stepping up to the plate there, Jay.

Giving former parking lot lawyer-turned-Acting US Attorney for New Jersey Alina Habba some tips on how to lawyer, US Magistrate Andre M Espinosa on Monday warned Habba not to jeopardize her office’s case against Newark Mayor Ras Baraka for trespassing at an ICE gulag in the city by tweeting shit like claiming Baraka had “willingly chosen to disregard the law” just hours before the hearing, Politico New Jersey Playbook reports. Espinosa said to the extent anyone had made such comments, he would “caution them to heed carefully to the rules of professional conduct” and “boundaries of propriety for public comment related to an ongoing investigation and/or prosecution.”

Former Trump White House Political Director-turned Georgia Congressman Brian Jack took a tough question from a high schooler outside the Capitol on Monday, with the teenager asking why the president is “so orange.” Knowing a thing or two about politics, Jack handled it deftly, responding that it was her “perspective,” as if such a call about the spray-tan’s color is subjective. An unidentified woman recording the audience with the Congressman then remarks incredulously that a teenager would ask such a question before the brief clip, obtained by @patriottakes, ends.

A $30,000 FEMA National Flood Insurance Program check meant to pay for a registered Republican voter’s Tampa Bay-area Florida trailer that was destroyed by Hurricane Helene back in September has bounced twice since it finally arrived in March, WFLA reports on what sure sounds like more of the usual DOGE bullshit coming for anti-waste, fraud, and abuse voters who cast a ballot for it.

Unaffiliated voter Robert Paul, 57, and Republican wife Yvonne, 54, reached out to the TV station’s investigative-watchdog-advocate-something reporter Shannon Behnken, nom de guerre “Better Call Behnken,” last month to nag the NFIP. Behnken was told that the agency had been in the middle of changing banks when the check bounced but the Pauls should try cashing it again right away.

“When we resubmitted it, it again came back as no good, so now the bank has told us they will not resubmit that. They’re going to need a new check. How am I literally out of the tens of thousands of people that filed claims probably, I’m assuming, as far as the damage went. How am I the only person that this happened to?” said Robert, understandably frustrated after in all likelihood having bought into propaganda about how the Biden Administration was deliberately neglecting him and his fellow Floridians for political purposes and voting accordingly, possibly even thinking a certified check for $500,000 in a priority overnight envelope would’ve landed in his mailbox on January 21st.

“Paul said he was told Tuesday afternoon that a new check is on its way and should arrive later this week,” WFLA writes. It’s not clear if “Better Call Behnken” will be following up with him on that.

After 31 days of bombing Houthi positions in Yemen with no real progress to show for it except $1 billion in weaponry burned, two $67 million F/A-18 Super Hornets now at the bottom of the Red Sea because they fell off their aircraft carrier, several more nearly getting shot down by anti-aircraft fire, seven Reaper drones worth $30 million each actually getting shot down, and American vessels still coming under attack from missiles launched from land, convicted felon President Trump decided he’s had enough and declared victory over the Iranian-backed terrorist militia last week, the New York Times reports, using the word “offramp” to describe the result of weakling envoy Steve Witkoff’s engagements with the Houthis as intermediated by officials in neighboring Oman.

“We hit them very hard and they had a great ability to withstand punishment,” Trump said after his victory declaration over the bellicose Shiite group. “You could say there was a lot of bravery… They gave us their word that they wouldn’t be shooting at ships anymore, and we honor that.”

The Houthis fired a missile at Israel on Friday, four days after “mission accomplished.” 👊🇺🇸🔥

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul on three separate fronts on Monday very calmly made Jesse Watters uncormfortable by reminding him that consumers are going to end up paying whatever the hell the tariffs still are on Chinese goods, that price controls for drugs are “Venezuelan,” and that the Constitution specifically bars taking gifts like a luxury 747 from the fucking Qatari Royal Family.

“Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem today announced the termination of Temporary Protected Status for Afghanistan. The TPS designation for the country expires on May 20, 2025, and the termination will be effective on July 12, 2025. At least 60 days before a TPS designation expires, the Secretary, after consultation with appropriate US government agencies, is required to review the conditions in a country designated for TPS to determine whether the conditions supporting the designation continue to be met, and if so, how long to extend the designation.”

“After consultation with interagency partners, Secretary Noem determined that conditions in Afghanistan no longer meet the statutory requirements. The Secretary’s decision was based on a US Citizenship and Immigration Services review of the country conditions and in consultation with the Department of State. The Secretary determined that, overall, there are notable improvements in the security and economic situation such that requiring the return of Afghan nationals to Afghanistan does not pose a threat to their personal safety due to ongoing-armed conflict or extraordinary and temporary conditions. She further determined that permitting Afghan nationals to remain temporarily in the United States is contrary to the national interest of the United States,” says Homeland Security in a statement issued on the same day “refugees” from South Africa landed at Dulles.

Piece of shit Republican Wisconsin Senator Ron “RonAnon” Johnson on Monday told Politico that because the House GOP’s “megabill” doesn’t go far enough on cuts, he’s a no vote. “What we’re doing is, we’re looking at all the programs going, ‘We can’t touch that, touch that, can’t touch that,'” said Johnson, who’s now the second Republican after really short guy Rand Paul to rule out supporting the “big beautiful bill.” And this is before Lisa Murkowski and Concern Lady see it.

We visited a diverse entertainment hub in the heart of Riyadh and you won't believe how many days it take to build the entire thing #SpecialReport #FoxNews pic.twitter.com/oNsTyJD7ca

— Bret Baier (@BretBaier) May 12, 2025

Jesus freaking Christ. What the fuck are they trying to do here? They really think Americans are going to want to fly to goddamned Riyadh to mug for Instagram pics like it’s fucking Paris or Venice or Thailand? Are they going to mention you can’t even buy a beer there? Fox News has done some pretty ridiculous payola in the past but at least you could see some quantum of appeal to their audience. It’s extremely hard to see this advertorial being seen as a net positive with viewers.