Mentally ill raccoon dick fetishist Health and Human Services Robert F Kennedy Jr’s “allies in the administration” tell CNN that the whole “MAHA” shitshow has been curtailed ahead of the midterms and that Bobby is being “marginalized” by the Orange God Emperor. This as though Kennedy hadn’t already served his purpose – getting Trump elected in 2024 – so there’s no point in keeping him.

“This lunatic, Hakeem ‘Low IQ’ Jeffries, should be charged with INCITING VIOLENCE! The Radical Left Democrats actually want to Destroy our Country,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday while gas prices continued to increase and he hasn’t struck a peace deal with Iran yet.

Remember in 2024 when convicted felon President Trump promised Americans that if they saved him from dying in prison by returning him to power that gas would go down to $1.84 a gallon? What’s funny is that now not only is the current national average of $4.55 a gallon more than twice that historic sub-$2.00/gallon low – that he and his fanboys failed to mention was during the economic nadir of the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic – but the spike from the so-so $2.98 per gallon prior to his moronic attack on Iran is perilously close to the $1.84 he said Kamala Harris could never deliver.

Yup. At +$1.57 the increase is damn close to the total amount Trump promised to Americans.

Senate Republican campaign chief Tim Scott tells the Washington Post he’s feeling good about hanging onto the majority provided that gas prices go down and the party starts campaigning on its accomplishments. The Post did not print any of the accomplishments in the article, probably because he did not rattle any off but this is what Scott said. “I think there is a good chance that we will be able to expand the majority if everything goes our way,” Scott added, accurately summarizing how probabilities function as a variable in determining the outcome of a workflow.

Top Republican PAC Senate Leadership fund chief Alex Latcham said Dems taking the majority in the November is the “equivalent to pitching a perfect game and hitting a grand slam at the end,” whilst failing to mention preventing that relies on fielding an actual team rather than a tee-ball squad.

Why is there a woman whose hair looks like Republican Iowa Senator Joni Ernst’s the “autopen” in this AI slop depiction? Shouldn’t it be a robot or something like that?

Three elderly men and a child were killed by an Israeli drone strike in Gaza for who knows what goddamned reason on Thursday, Al-Jazeera reports on another war that Trump did not actually end.

Republican Senator Susan Collins tells NewsCenter Maine she has “an extremely common condition that is called a benign essential tremor. I have had it for the entire time that I have served in the United States Senate. It has absolutely no impact on my ability to do my job or on how I feel each day,” which sucks and isn’t the best thing to come out during a particularly tough election year.

“If you talk to anybody in Washington, they will tell you that I am the hardest working person that they have ever worked with, and the fact is I’ve never missed a single vote in all the time that I’ve been honored to represent the people of Maine. I think that’s pretty good evidence of the fact that I am blessed with great health,” Collins continued with all the reasons for non-concern.

Continuing his moronic feud with Pope Leo XVI on Wednesday, convicted felon President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office that “Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon” and that Leo “seems to be saying that they can, but they cannot.” Trump then emphasized that oil at $200 a barrel would be worth it if his now-completely unattainable goal of preventing Iran nuclearization is not achieved.

FBI agents on Wednesday executed a search warrant on Virginia State Senate President Louise Lucas’s offices in what Fox News reports is a “major corruption investigation,” coming just weeks after Lucas spearheaded the gerrymander killing four GOP-held congressional districts in the state.

Founder of fake news propaganda network CNN Ted Turner is dead at 87, the biased, hateful, leftist incitement factory reports. Turner also founded WCW, a failed rival to the WWE.

In a leak to MS Now coming from inside the FBI, binge-drinking Director K$H Patel is ordering agents to find out who inside the FBI leaked to the Atlantic’s Sarah Fitzpatrick the details of last month’s deeply-reported story about his drinking habits, after which the paranoid man promptly filed a $250 million defamation suit against the magazine claiming they lied about him. “Print it, all false, I’ll see you in court – bring your checkbook,” K$H was quoted in the account detailing his “conspicuous inebriation and unexplained absences” – and that on at least one occasion his personal security detail had to bash through the door of his hotel room to wake him up after a night of partying.

MS Now’s source, who was probably one of Fitzpatrick’s sources, said the Huntsville, Alabama-based agents assigned to the Nixonian witch hunt “know they are not supposed to do this. But if they don’t go forward, they could lose their jobs. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”

Also not great for his lawyers working the defamation lawsuit. Might ruin their case.

VP Vance says people are getting rich by defrauding "every single person in this room."

"They were taking money that should go to America's low-income families, to America's elderly, to people who are struggling in our communities."

"They were stealing it out of their pocket… pic.twitter.com/SaZbrAfYBc

— Fox News (@FoxNews) May 5, 2026

“Assuming Iran agrees to give what has been agreed to, which is, perhaps, a big assumption, the already legendary Epic Fury will be at an end, and the highly effective Blockade will allow the Hormuz Strait to be OPEN TO ALL, including Iran. If they don’t agree, the bombing starts, and it will be, sadly, at a much higher level and intensity than it was before,” posted Supreme Leader Donald Trump on Wednesday, unable to decide if he already won or wants more death and ruin.

Prior to that he also daydreamed of the future grandeur of his Ceausescu-esque reception hall for his palace, writing “The White House Ballroom is going up rapidly on the East side of the White House. The only reason the cost has changed is because, after deep rooted studies, it is approximately twice the size, and a far higher quality, than the original proposal, which would not have been adequate to handle the necessary events, meetings, and even future Inaugurations. The original price was 200 Million Dollars, the double sized, highest quality completed project will be something less than 400 Million Dollars. It will be magnificent, safe, and secure! This was a necessary change, it was done long ago, but the Fake News failed to report it, trying to make it look like there was a cost overrun. Actually, it is coming in ahead of schedule, and under budget!”

A new round of findings from the Washington Post/ABC News national survey conducted late last month shows that the now-deleted Truth Social AI slop of convicted felon President Trump depicting himself as “Doctor Jesus” and healing a terminally ill patient faces dismally low approval ratings among respondents: Just 9 percent approved to 87 percent who disapproved, reaching only 18 percent approval to 79 percent disapproval among self-identified Republican respondents.

The low approval ratings, even among his own party, signal serious work to be done for administration comms staff intent on improving public perception of Trump’s miraculous healing powers, possibly even requiring a public demonstration of the skill in full view of television cameras.

Oily Commerce Secretary Howard Nutlick will sit for a deposition with House Oversight on Wednesday to reconcile his stories about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, CBS News reports.

https://x.com/WSJ/status/2051954806877573228

MAGA bro Vivek “Da Vek” Ramaswamy has defeated MAGAsurgent Casey Putsch in the Ohio GOP gubernatorial primary, the Associated Press projects. Vek will face Dem Dr Amy Acton in November.

“Based on the request of Pakistan and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed,” posted gramps on Tuesday.

Who the fuck voted for this slob anyway? Can’t even trust him to make instant ramen noodles.