The Trump regime is preparing to impose restrictions on Canadian visitors to the US, requiring them to register their personal information with the government and submit to fingerprinting, Bloomberg reports on some petty, impotent bullshit attempt at retaliating in a fight Donald started.

Like just fucking ban them from entry if you’re going to start treating them as suspect aliens. This isn’t even a half-measure, it’s like a tenth-measure that does nothing but inconvenience people needlessly for the whims of a small-dicked madman. Go hard if you want them to go home.

Jesus Dork Speaker of The House Mike Johnson got in some Baghdad Bobbing about the pain convicted felon President Trump is inflicting on the markets with his tariff dumbassery before then talking a bunch of shit while non-answering a question on what crime Columbia protestor Mahmoud Khalil committed to warrant his detention and possible deportation… because there was none.

The First Circuit Court of Appeals on Tuesday tossed convicted felon President Trump’s regime’s bid to lift an injunction against the fat fuck’s executive order banning birthright citizenship.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 500 points immediately following convicted felon President Trump’s unhinged rant doubling tariffs on Canadian steel and aluminum in response to Ontario jacking up electricity rates to adjacent US states on Tuesday, CNBC reports.

“Based on Ontario, Canada, placing a 25 percent Tariff on ‘Electricity’ coming into the United States, I have instructed my Secretary of Commerce to add an ADDITIONAL 25 percent Tariff, to 50 percent, on all STEEL and ALUMINUM COMING INTO THE UNITED STATES FROM CANADA, ONE OF THE HIGHEST TARIFFING NATIONS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. This will go into effect TOMORROW MORNING, March 12th. Also, Canada must immediately drop their Anti-American Farmer Tariff of 250 percent to 390 percent on various US dairy products, which has long been considered outrageous. I will shortly be declaring a National Emergency on Electricity within the threatened area. This will allow the US to quickly do what has to be done to alleviate this abusive threat from Canada. If other egregious, long time Tariffs are not likewise dropped by Canada, I will substantially increase, on April 2nd, the Tariffs on Cars coming into the US which will, essentially, permanently shut down the automobile manufacturing business in Canada. Those cars can easily be made in the USA! Also, Canada pays very little for National Security, relying on the United States for military protection. We are subsidizing Canada to the tune of more than 200 Billion Dollars a year. WHY???”

“This cannot continue. The only thing that makes sense is for Canada to become our cherished Fifty First State. This would make all Tariffs, and everything else, totally disappear. Canadians’ taxes will be very substantially reduced, they will be more secure, militarily and otherwise, than ever before, there would no longer be a Northern Border problem, and the greatest and most powerful nation in the World will be bigger, better and stronger than ever – And Canada will be a big part of that. The artificial line of separation drawn many years ago will finally disappear, and we will have the safest and most beautiful Nation anywhere in the World – And your brilliant anthem, ‘O Canada,’ will continue to play, but now representing a GREAT and POWERFUL STATE within the greatest Nation that the World has ever seen!” screamed convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday.

This article’s supposed to be focused on how Missouri MAGA Congressman Mark Alford admitted to CNN on Tuesday that there will be cuts to the sacred cows of Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security, which is newsworthy on its own, but somehow even more “newsworthy” is the way this cheap little man-slut so undeftly praises Musk’s genius and then literally in the next sentence all but admits Ketamine Brain is too autistic to communicate effectively. What the actual fuck, lol.

Dem former Congresswoman Katie Porter on Tuesday launched her campaign for California governor, Politico reports on her once again making the first move in a statewide race that may be dominated by a heavier hitter. In 2023 Porter did not wait for then-Senator Dianne Feinstein to announce her retirement (or die before that, which she did) to launch a bid for her seat, ultimately losing to higher-profile now-Senator Adam Schiff who launched somewhat hastily a few weeks later.

This time Porter’s getting ahead of a possible bid by former Vice President Kamala Harris, and Politico notes that an internal polling memo showing Porter up significantly over other potential Dem rivals for the highest office in the most populated of the United States – such as Lt Gov Eleni Kounalakis, former Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, and former state Attorney General Xavier Becerra – does not include Harris in the field. So that version of the poll probably didn’t look so great for Porter. Politico asserts that, absent Harris, Porter does have considerable advantages though.

Separately CNN’s Isaac Dovere reports an aide said Porter will “probably” drop out if Harris enters.

“Hungary’s government is taking decisive action to curb unjustified price increases on essential food items. Prime Minister Viktor Orban announced on Tuesday via a video on his social media platform that the government will introduce a price cap to ensure affordability and protect consumers.”

“Orban revealed that recent discussions with representatives of major retail chains failed to yield satisfactory solutions. ‘Unfortunately, the offers from retailers fell far short of our expectations,’ Orban stated. ‘Therefore, we have decided to implement measures targeting the retail sector.’ From mid-March, the profit margin on 30 key food items will be limited to a maximum of 10 per cent,” says an article by what appears to be a state media outlet called the Hungarian Conservative.

Wait, if inflation was Joe Biden’s fault then why is it a thing in Hungary? And what kind of real conservative nationalist strongman, lauded as “the only elected leader on the face of the earth who publicly identifies as a Western-style conservative,” makes a weak communist pussy move like price controls? Lastly, but least importantly, what the hell do they mean by “his social media platform”? If this was just a bad translation job by state media then fine. Otherwise it sure sounds like Orban has his own Hungarian version of Truth Social, engineered by Moscow’s finest software developers too.

Several Trump minions admit to Axios that Monday’s stock market shitshow was definitely not what they needed, “but” they remain optimistic because they’re making America great again and so on.

One adviser said “Ever since the election, Trump has been the master of the narrative. We won every day.” Just gotta stop right there and call this anonymous cocksucker out on the “win every day” horseshit campaign mantra that was already long tired when “winning” meant getting media attention over unforced clusterfucks like the NABJ interview. Now the “winning” is wiping out over a trillion in the stock market’s value over unforced clusterfucks like being unwilling to rule out a recession in a softball state media interview with batshit idiot Maria Bartiromo. Christ.

“But this stock market fall is just different, no control. But it’s just a detox – it’ll get better,” the same asshole continued, double “but”-ing his “mastery of the narrative.” These insufferable mutants.

“The market isn’t great, not gonna lie. But the vibes are still good otherwise,” said another “but”-head. A third said Team Orange “are adept at playing the long game [lol, how are the Panama Canal and Gaza annexation projects going, you twat], and we will not be dictated by a snapshot in time when there are so many indicators that show we’re building a strong economy with staying power.”

Outside of the Orange God Emperor’s innermost circle the mercury was rising decidedly higher and faster. “If the stock market looks like this in three weeks, we’ve got a problem,” a “top consultant” to Republican Congressional candidates told Axios, adding “There’s time. It’s early.” Start praying, boy.

Thank you, President @realDonaldTrump! pic.twitter.com/3kqZObTixi

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 11, 2025

Psychotic former Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte was arrested Tuesday on a warrant from the International Criminal Court over the brutally violent drug war he had prosecuted while in office, the AP reports on some pretty serious shit going on in the southeast Asian island nation.

“Thank you to the House Freedom Caucus for just delivering a big blow to the Radical Left Democrats and their desire to raise Taxes and SHUT OUR COUNTRY DOWN! They hate America and all it stands for. That’s why they allowed MILLIONS of Criminals to invade our Nation. Sometimes it takes great courage to do the right thing. Congressman Thomas Massie, of beautiful Kentucky, is an automatic ‘NO’ vote on just about everything, despite the fact that he has always voted for Continuing Resolutions in the past. HE SHOULD BE PRIMARIED, and I will lead the charge against him. He’s just another GRANDSTANDER, who’s too much trouble, and not worth the fight.”

“He reminds me of Liz Chaney before her historic, record breaking fall (loss!). The people of Kentucky won’t stand for it, just watch. DO I HAVE ANY TAKERS??? Anyway, thank you again to the House Freedom Caucus for your very important vote. We need to buy some time in order to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, GREATER THAN EVER BEFORE. Unite and Win!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Monday night, raging at the extremist Massie for his anti-spending bullshit.

To think that Tom was making plans to run for Moscow Mitch’s senate seat. Sucks for him for sticking to his “principles” only to be threatened with annihilation by the Orange God Emperor.

It was never going to be an easy day when you’re in a cult whose leader is supposed to be so great for investors and it would’ve been 1929 all over again if Kamala got elected and all that shit only to see investors lose like fucking a trillion dollars collectively in seven hours of trading while you have to go on cable news to defend him. stupid Nicole Malliotakis was lucky enough to be on CNN before the opening bell, before all the bloody chaos of the “Golden Age” got priced into the market.

Jesus Dork Mike Johnson’s chief of staff Hayden Haynes tendered his resignation on Monday, NBC’s Scott Wong reports just under a week since he was arrested for drunk driving after backing his Tesla into a parked Capitol Police vehicle following convicted felon President Trump’s stupid joint address.

In the NBC article Wong linked in his tweet, Haynes is described in an arrest report as “slurring his words when voice activating his vehicle to open the glove compartment,” displaying an “unsteady walk,” “staggering,” with a “a strong odor consistent of alcohol emanating from his breath,” falling into the passenger seat, and had difficulty getting his registration. Cops halted the sobriety test.

The article, printed just about 30 minutes before Wong tweeted that Haynes was out, included a statement from Johnson spokesman Taylor Haulsee [these fucking middle-tier WASPy names] saying “The Speaker has known and worked closely with Hayden for nearly a decade and trusted him to serve as his Chief of Staff for his entire tenure in Congress. Because of this and Hayden’s esteemed reputation among Members and staff alike, the Speaker has full faith and confidence in Hayden’s ability to lead the Speaker’s office.” And then they (probably) fired him, lol.

Maybe the best part is this: The NBC article specifically says it was a black, unmarked Chevy Suburban that Haynes backed into at 11:40 PM, raising the extremely strong possibility that the sensors/cameras on his Tesla did not register the other vehicle and thus failed to warn him before he backed into it (a similar enough flaw has gotten at least two other Tesla drivers killed when the autopilot failed to see a white semi-truck trailer since 2016). So yeah, self-inflicted boozing and getting behind the wheel aside, there’s a non-zero chance that Elon Musk indirectly fucked Haynes.

Taking up a challenge to convicted felon President Trump’s command to deport Columbia grad student Mahmoud Khalil, Manhattan federal Judge Jesse Furman put a block on the removal and ordered a Wednesday hearing with Khalil’s counsel and Trump Regime lawyers.

Claiming again that there’d been a “cyberattack” that led to the Twitter shitshow on Monday, drug-addicted billionaire Elon Musk told cokehead Larry Kudlow in an interview on Fox Business News that he had traced the digital terrorism to “IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area.” Big if true.

The former illegal immigrant also said “Most of the federal spending is entitlements… that’s the big one to eliminate… That is also the mechanism by which the Democrats attract and retain illegal immigrants. This is why Democrats are so upset about the situation.”

Oooh oooh oooh! Wait, what if the headline said “Dow Jones drops like Mitch McConnell on a staircase”? Or “like Lauren Boebert’s dress at an off-Broadway musical”? Or “like a Russian politician from a 10th story window”? Or “salads from Sarah Huckabee’s diet after she started Ozempic”?

What about “tanks”? Is there any good one with “tanks”? Not as flexible, but could work in “tanks worse than Lara Trump’s latest single.” Hmmmm… Might have to start keeping a list of these handy.

Law enforcement and fire department officials in Seattle aren’t sure if a Sunday night fire at a lot serving as a storage space for Cybertrucks in a nearby Tesla dealership’s inventory was an act of arson or if the hideous electric shitboxes caught fire because they’re Cybertrucks, KIRO reports.

The fire was reported around 11:15 pm on Sunday at the lot on 4th Avenue and South Spokane Street. KIRO does not have a count of how many of the vehicles were consumed in the inferno, nor much of any further details on the incident. “It’s unclear how the fires started,” the station wrote.

“A BILL TO BE ENTITLED AN ACT relating to creating the criminal offense of gender identity fraud. BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF TEXAS: SECTIONA 1.AA Subchapter D, Chapter 32, Penal Code, is amended by adding Section 32.515 to read as follows:”

“Sec.A32.515. A GENDER IDENTITY FRAUD. (a) A person commits an offense if the person knowingly makes a false or misleading verbal or written statement to a governmental entity or the person’s employer by identifying the person’s biological sex as the opposite of the biological sex assigned to the person at birth. (b) An offense under this section is a state jail felony,” says the text of Texas HB 3817 introduced last week by Republican state Representative Tom Oliverson.