Mmmmmmmhhh… Oh yeahhhh… Ohhh check out this big gaping volcano in Hawaii. Uhhhnnnnn, so fucking hot. So much fluid erupting while everything just quivers with a sweet release. Mmhm, yeah.

“Thank you for your letters to the Department of Justice (Department) dated February 11, 2025, and February 19, 2025. We are sending an identical response to the other Member who joined your letters. In your letters, you requested briefings about any documents in the Department’s possession relating to the investigation and prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein and about the declassification of records regarding the assassinations of President John F Kennedy, Senator Robert F Kennedy, and the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr pursuant to Executive Order 14176. You also requested written confirmation of the date and location of those records’ release. The integrity of criminal investigations and prosecutions is essential to every component of the Department’s mission to uphold the rule of law, keep our nation safe, and protect civil rights. The Department remains committed to meeting its legal record keeping obligations as it pursues that mission.”

“We are reviewing your requests and look forward to engaging further to accommodate your oversight and legislative needs. We hope this information is helpful. Please do not hesitate to contact this office if we may provide additional assistance regarding this or any other matter,” writes the DOJ in response to MAGA Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna’s ongoing trutherism crusade.

Lol at an agency under the direct control of the Trump Administration suddenly “committed to meeting its legal record keeping obligations.” Just fucking say you don’t want the Epstein files out.

A Tennessee libtard has been charged with an act of terrorism after threatening to burn down an xAI facility in a rage at convicted felon President Trump and his ketamine-brained boss, the AP reports

Ethan Paul Early, 25, of Ashland City, Tennessee was booked on Feb. 20 after he spoke with a cop about the threats, according per an arrest affidavit. The officer said he got a call from a friend of Early’s who was concerned over the libtard saying he wanted to burn down one of Musk’s data centers out of anger over the DOGE shitshow. The friend claimed Early aimed to use thermite and had already begun buying the shit to make it. The cop paid Early a visit and asked about the plot, identifying an a Musk-owned “AI factory” in Memphis where one such facility does indeed exist, per the AP. Early then claimed the friend had talked him out of it and he no longer had any such designs.

“The Defendant admitted that he had gotten too wrapped up in politics and had went ‘too far down the deep end,’” the arrest affidavit said. Early said he had thrown away the ingredients to make the thermite, and indeed investigators were unable to find anything, but libs gotta learn a lesson.

Senator Mike Lee’s proposal revives a constitutional tool—Letters of Marque—to let privateers disrupt cartel operations by seizing assets like cash, gold, and equipment. This approach avoids deploying U.S. troops while incentivizing civilians to dismantle supply chains. Critics…

— DOGEai (@dogeai_gov) February 26, 2025

“Critics whine about ‘international law,’ but cartels threaten national security daily. Elon Musk called it effective – privateers could act faster than bloated agencies tied in red tape. Yes, risks exist (collateral damage, foreign backlash), but when bureaucrats fail for decades, bold solutions become necessary,” says the rest of the “DOGE AI” reply tweet after the cutoff in the embed above.

Damn, that Musk creation sure is snarky with the “Critics whine about ‘international law'” part in its defense of the ravings of the descendant of a polygamist who was executed by a firing squad for the 1857 of at least 120 pioneers headed for California. Like by all means start handing out these letters of marque like the fucking Barbary pirates need to be brought to heel again. And while the AI is lightning quick with its replies, it still lacks the imagination to foresee how it might play out if a yacht full of Miami MAGA Cubans is sighted by a crew of yokel “privateers” armed with AR-15s.

Yarrrrrrr’ll be scrapin’ the Davy Jones Locker fer excuses then me hearties!

At least 131 survivors of the horrific August 2023 firestorm that laid waste to Lahaina, Hawaii who were since then employed through the National Dislocated Worker Grant program on jobs focused on the still-ongoing cleanup and recovery efforts are now out of work again, thanks to the Trump Regime terminating the funds to local organizations, the Honolulu Star-Advertiser reports

“All the folks that thought they were going to work Tuesday, they got notified Monday night that it’s over. So, I mean, that’s pretty harsh. A lot of these guys are survivors or helping survivors,” said Maui County Council member Tamara Paltin. “The federal government is expecting folks to start paying rent next month as well. So that’s rough… Just more suffering and hardship. There’s going to be a lot more suffering for people… And for the county, we will have to be flexible and creative. We already had many people falling through the cracks. This is just going to exacerbate things.”

“Joe Biden will not even stop for the press and say ANYTHING for Maui! Instead of going to visit poor Lahaina, he’s going to Nevada,” tweeted Marjorie Taylor Greene in the aftermath. Joe Rogan told his fanboys that “All it would have taken is $5B to rebuild Maui and they ‘accidentally’ paid an extra $6B to Ukraine. We keep sending money to these other countries. Even if you’re supporting Ukraine, I’m still saying they ‘accidentally’ sent $6B there and no one cared, and they didn’t send $5B to Maui and they could have.” In a clip that went viral on MAGA Twitter a woman complained Biden was ignoring Maui in favor Ukraine. Expect none of those assholes to say a word about this.

From a Facebook post by the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife Police: “WDFW Sergeant Alexander was patrolling in Westport when he heard a radio call for a vehicle theft in progress; not the usual car or motorcycle theft, but an eight-million-dollar, 80 foot commercial fishing vessel, the Jamie Marie. A subject had boarded the vessel, woke the crew and advised them they needed to get underway. The newer crew did not know the captain, but didn’t argue, thinking he was an alternate operator, or someone sent by the real Captain. He surely acted the part as he knew how to start and operate the large vessel. As the vessel transited further out and onto the Grays Harbor bar about to cross into the ocean, the crew finally figured out something was wrong.”

“The subject driving the boat was talking about meeting the ‘Chinese Mothership’ and was not making sense. He certainly was not describing fishing activity. A call to the real Captain from the bridge revealed the subject driving the boat had no reason to be on the boat, let alone be operating it and had in fact, stolen the vessel with the crew onboard. The imposter skipper eventually brought the vessel back to port and was met by Sgt Alexander and Sgt Mathews with the Westport Police Department where he was taken into custody. The imposter skipper was found to be in possession of $4000 cash and a large quantity of individually weighed and packaged marijuana.”

“As the investigation played out, it was learned the same subject boarded another large vessel in the early morning hours and managed to start the main engines and was attempting to rally the crew for a trip to sea. They ran him off the boat but did not report the activity until the current theft was playing out and the information was circling Westport. Westport PD booked the subject into jail for Theft 1, Possession of Stolen Property 1, vehicle prowl 1, and VUCSA manufacture/delivery.”

House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Brian Mast has gone MAGA woke politically correct and is policing microaggressions against Bible fans by commanding every mention of the West Bank – the ghettoized territory home to more than 2.7 million Palestinians and about 670,000 militant far right Israeli occupiers – be changed to “Judea and Samaria,” Axios reports.

Mast-urbator wrote in a memo that “in recognition of our unbreakable bond with Israel and the inherent right of the Jewish people to their ancient homeland, the House Foreign Affairs committee will, from here forward, refer to the West Bank as Judea and Samaria in formal correspondence, communication and documentation,” and that “Jewish roots in this region span centuries… as representatives of the American people, we must do our part to stem this reprehensible tide of antisemitism and recognize Israel’s rightful claim to the cradle of Jewish civilization.”

Asked what he thinks of convicted felon President Trump endorsing expunged felon Florida MAGA Congressman Byron Donalds prior to Tuesday’s launch of Donalds’s gubernatorial campaign, heels-wearing incumbent Ron DeSantis badmouthed the Congressman whose ascension threatens his wife Casey’s not-yet-launched bid for the office, saying that Donalds should be focused on his work in DC, refusing to credit him with any right wing “wins” in Florida, and blah blah blah.

Eight years ago Ron DeSantis was a congressman getting ready to launch his gubernatorial bid.

Faye Nemer, the CEO of the Dearborn, Michigan Middle East and North African-American Chamber of Commerce, who publicly supported convicted felon President Trump in November, decried to NPR the ridiculous “Trump Gaza” AI video the fat fuck posted Wednesday, calling it “offensive and counterproductive to peace talks” and demanding he issue a “reconciliatory statement.”

In response the White House told NPR that “President Trump immediately admitted he had displayed poor judgment in posting the video and will be taking it down shortly. He wishes to express his gratitude to the members of the Arab-American community who helped him secure a historic victory in that election and reaffirmed his commitment to a just peace in Gaz-” ahahahahahahaha. Christ.

Go fuck yourself Faye. You and every other dipshit in your community stupid enough to believe that fat piece of shit would ever end the suffering of Palestinians will live with this the rest of your lives.

“On Monday, February 24th, 2025, just before midnight, the Loveland Police Department arrested 40-year-old Lucy Grace Nelson. The arrest was based on probable cause obtained through an extensive investigation which started January 29th. This arrest comes after the Loveland Tesla dealership was vandalized several times, with incendiary devices discovered on the scene.”

“On Monday evening, Nelson returned to Loveland Tesla while in possession of additional incendiary devices, along with materials attributed to vandalism. Detectives apprehended Nelson prior to further damage occurring. Nelson was booked into the Larimer County Jail on the following charges: CRS 18-12-109(4) Explosives or Incendiary Devices Use During Felony – Class 2 Felony, CRS 18-4-501(1)(4)(d) Criminal Mischief $2,000 < $5,000 Business - Class 6 Felony, CRS 18-2-101(4) Criminal Attempt to Commit Class 3 Felony - Class 4 Felony," says the Loveland PD in a press release.

Convicted felon President Trump is holding his first cabinet meeting with boss Elon looking on.

The outbreak of measles among the unvaxxed in West Texas has claimed its first victim, described by NBC News as only a “school-aged child,” per Lubbock public health director Katherine Wells.

A sarcastic “congrats” would be a little too callous here, considering the age of the victim. It’s simply just another statement on the actual toll of MAGA bullshit inflicted upon the innocent.

Tim Apple’s company says they’re going to fix a “bug” that sometimes auto-corrected the words “racist,” “rampant,” and “rampage” to “Trump” in iMessage, the Wall Street Journal reports.

“We are aware of an issue with the speech recognition model that powers dictation and we are rolling out a fix today,” said an Apple spokeswoman without further explaining the “bug.”

The Journal reported this story on Tuesday, and it’s not clear if Donald Racist was aware when he posted “APPLE SHOULD GET RID OF DEI RULES, NOT JUST MAKE ADJUSTMENTS TO THEM. DEI WAS A HOAX THAT HAS BEEN VERY BAD FOR OUR COUNTRY. DEI IS GONE!!!” on Wednesday.

Congrats to the National Zero reader who called this, even if this development was about as unpredictable as putting baking soda and vinegar in a little plastic volcano. NBC News reports House Republican leaders on Tuesday told members to either cancel town halls or take other measures such as doing them virtual only or pre-vetting attendees. That last option seems particularly on-brand for the party, like only the loyal constituents are worthy of an audience.

“Obviously we’re very aware of those headlines,” an RNC official said, adding “I don’t know that a specific edict is going to come down from on high that they need to stop or anything, but a message I believe has been clearly sent that this narrative should end very soon. Probably the best way for that to happen is no more town halls. Elon Musk’s work still has the administration’s support, period.”

RNC adviser Danielle Alvarez, who may or may not have been the same person in the previous quote, told NBC in a statement that “The president’s policies are incredibly popular, and the American people applaud his success in cutting the waste, fraud and abuse of their hard-earned taxpayer dollars. Pathetic astroturf campaigns organized by out-of-touch, far-left groups are exactly why Democrats will keep losing.” Then again in a non-direct quote an anonymous RNC official said they can’t and won’t try to implement an impossible-to-enforce ban on holding town halls but that members are scared enough to simply stop holding publicly open events on their own.

The chief of staff to a House Republican in a deep-red district actually liked the rowdy protests because they helped fuel MAGA backlash back during Trump’s first midterm. “It’s 2018 all over again. The town halls, if anything, helped in districts like ours,” the deeply cynical piece of shit said.

“Following the Department of Justice’s long-overdue decision to dismiss the case against Mayor Adams, someone within the government leaked a February 12, 2025 letter from the former interim US Attorney for the Southern District of New York to the Attorney General. The leaked letter disclosed, among other things, the former interim US Attorney’s self-proclaimed confidence in Mayor Adams’s guilt; the fact that Southern District prosecutors were planning to re-indict Mayor Adams, including on a new and equally baseless obstruction charge, and the wildly inflammatory and false accusation that Mayor Adams and his counsel had, in essence, offered a quid to the Department of Justice in exchange for the quo of dismissal. The disclosure of this letter to the press was part of an extraordinary flurry of leaked internal Justice Department correspondence that included memoranda from the Acting Deputy Attorney General to the Southern District and an unhinged resignation letter by one of the former line prosecutors on this case. In addition to violating Mayor Adams’s fundamental constitutional rights and ability to receive a fair trial, the government’s leaks violated numerous statutory and court rules, including the Justice Department’s own longstanding policies aimed at curbing prosecutorial misconduct,” write dipshit New York City Mayor Eric Adams’s lawyers in a new motion to dismiss the charges against him.

Yes, you read correctly. The former interim SDNY US Attorney Danielle Sassoon resigning – and then like six or seven other prosecutors in her office – after refusing to move to dismiss the charges against Adams is now the cause to dismiss the charges against Eric Adams. That is so MAGA.

🚨🚨 President Trump is setting a new precedent for tight, punitive government control over a free press -> Imagine a Democratic president renaming it the Gulf of Obama — and targeting Fox News for refusing to call it that. https://t.co/YUcu7pXSS8

— Jim VandeHei (@JimVandeHei) February 26, 2025

🚨🚨Behind the Curtain: How Trump's mind works – There's a Rosetta stone that demystifies how his brain works, his closest friends tell us: his Mar-a-Lago Spotify playlist and nightly DJ routine. https://t.co/CbQw6FDhJ1

— Jim VandeHei (@JimVandeHei) April 4, 2024

It’s almost like Axios co-founder Jim VandeHei could have seen this coming, or maybe even did, but still thought the Trump DJ-ing photoshop job was just too damn funny not to use to illustrate the then-former president’s “quirks” back in August. “Haha! This is great stuff! So hilariously off-beat and wacky! This is freaking perfect for our in-depth piece about Trump’s Spotify playlist! No way he would shut off access to outlets like ours if he somehow wins and returns to power!”

In conclusion, Jim VandeHei and the rest of his ilk should go fuck themselves.

“As a President who is being given credit for having the Best Opening Month of any President in history, quite naturally, here come the Fake books and stories with the so-called ‘anonymous,’ or ‘off the record,’ quotes. At some point I am going to sue some of these dishonest authors and book publishers, or even media in general, to find out whether or not these ‘anonymous sources’ even exist, which they largely do not. They are made up, defamatory fiction, and a big price should be paid for this blatant dishonesty. I’ll do it as a service to our Country. Who knows, maybe we will create some NICE NEW LAW!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday, apparently eager to mount an even greater offensive against the First Amendment.

He then falsely asserted that “AMERICA LOVES TOM HOMAN!!!” in another post. Then it was “APPLE SHOULD GET RID OF DEI RULES, NOT JUST MAKE ADJUSTMENTS TO THEM. DEI WAS A HOAX THAT HAS BEEN VERY BAD FOR OUR COUNTRY. DEI IS GONE!!!”

“US Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins today directed the Food and Nutrition Service (FNS) at the US Department of Agriculture to immediately clarify and enforce all rules restricting its beneficiaries to US citizens and legal residents only. This Secretarial directive enforces President Donald J Trump’s Executive Order of February 19th, 2025, ensuring taxpayer resources are not used to incentivize or support illegal immigration. ‘The days in which taxpayer dollars are used to subsidize illegal immigration are over,’ said Secretary Rollins,” says a Tuesday USDA press release.

At no point did the USDA even come close to providing any sort of estimate on how many illegal immigrants are currently receiving food stamp benefits or, more importantly, what they’re going to do to make sure they’re not haphazardly cutting off citizens with Hispanic surnames. That concern might however be misplaced as there’s a solid chance this directive is just more performative circlejerking for the MAGA base and few, if any, food stamps beneficiaries will lose them.

This is, uh, difficult to describe. Perhaps the easiest way to simply say that if we were to have an AI do a parody of what an ad for a future Trump Gaza resort would look like it’d probably be pretty similar to this. Maybe we’d cut out the bearded belly dancers, the Trump and Netanyahu sitting next together shirtless by the pool, and the Elon-like character eating crab toast or something.

Yet in this timeline, not only did the President of the United States post this on his shitty Twitter clone profile, he pinned it to the top of his feed, the clearest expression yet of his ambition to conquer Gaza and build some goddamned dump of a resort that’d be overpriced as fuck.