FBI Director Kash Patel on Wednesday informed the 55 leaders of the bureau’s field offices that he’s looking to partner the agency with Ultimate Fighting Championship by helping agents improve their physical fitness, ABC News reports in the precursor to future articles about an explosion of anabolic steroid abuse and stupid tribal tattoos among federal law enforcement.

A $50 million grant announced in December to restore natural habitats and improve water intake to the Great Salt Lake in Utah has been put in purgatory by the Trump Regime, the Utah News Dispatch reports on more people getting what they voted for instead of what they wanted.

You can read a whole shit ton of heavily redacted documents at the FBI’s new Jeffrey Epstein files “vault” here, but for example, Part 8 in literally 14 fucking blank pages. That’s so freaking MAGA.

Can’t wait for the UFO files to come out too. “LIGHT FROM VENUS REFLECTING OFF SWAMP GAS CAUSED THE RADIOACTIVE SCORCH MARKS IN [REDACTED]’S YARD. INVESTIGATION CLOSED.”

The fat fuck already walked back calling Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky a “dictator,” asking “did I say that?” in response to a reporter’s question. So it’s going great.

An unnamed German man was arrested in the Czech Republic this week on warrant dating to 1984 for the crime of escaping the country into West Germany during the Cold War, DPA reports.

“We proceeded in accordance with the law,” cops said after the arrest, given that the man, a vacationer detained while eating breakfast at a hotel with his family in the Giant Mountains region of the northern part of the country. Turns out that, despite the Eastern Bloc having transitioned to capitalist democracies in 1989, some people wanted for criminal offenses are still on lists that aren’t always scrutinized properly for the actual offenses themselves. As far as the public information goes, the man was deemed inadmissible into the Czech Republic simply escaped from a “socialist camp” and made his way to the border. A lawyer told DPA that some of the “offenders” might have committed theft or fraud to make good on their escape, but it’s not clear if the man was wanted for anything other than his exit. Cops said it’s up to a judge to make a determination on the case.

It’s almost official: Tennessee MAGA Congressman John Rose, who almost certainly started boning his now-wife Chelsea in 2007 when he was 42 and she was a 17 year-old high school student in the Future Farmers of America program, is launching his gubernatorial bid very soon, WKRN reports.

Rose, a successful software entrepreneur, was in 2007 the vice chairman of the state chapter of FFA and thus in an educator/coach-adjacent position over Chelsea when he started fertilizing her. The Republican Acting Attorney General of Alaska resigned in 2021 over after being implicated in a 1989 statutory rape, with Sniffen a 27 year-old coach of a mock trial team and his victim a 17 year-old student. The student-coach relationship made it felony under Alaska law, but Sniffen couldn’t be charged due to some very complex and loophole-y changes to the statute of limitations.

But guess what? Tennessee has a very similar statute: Tennessee Code § 39-13-53 specifying that if “The defendant was, at the time of the offense, in a position of trust, or had supervisory or disciplinary power over the victim by virtue of the defendant’s legal, professional, or occupational status and used the position of trust or power to accomplish the sexual penetration,” and the statute of limitations would not expire until 2032. Not like that’s going to happen, but it’s good oppo.

Responding to a question from a reporter about credibly-accused sex traffickers Andrew and Trsitan Tate headed to his state, heels-wearing Florida Gov Ron DeSantis on Thursday said the incel community idols are “not welcome” in his swampy, reptile-infested kingdom Donald Trump, Matt Gaetz, and Jeffrey Epstein have called home, Tiny D’s state media site Florida’s Voice reports.

“No – Florida is not a place where you’re welcome with that type of conduct,” DeSantis said, lol, adding that Attorney General James Uthmeier is looking into “state hooks and jurisdiction we may have to deal with this… “I have confidence, whether it’s [US Attorney General] Pam Bondi or [DHS Secretary] Kristi Noem – that they will be looking into that,” even though it’s very likely the Trump Regime had directly pressured Romanian officials to let the two off the hook.

“Ron DeSantis should step down as Florida’s governor if he has a problem with welcoming or protecting American Citizens,” said Tate brothers attorney Joseph D McBride in response to the comments. A plane carrying the Tate Brothers landed in Fort Lauderdale just minutes ago.

The New York Times is pure propaganda.

And a bunch of a$$holes. https://t.co/MCYnjaRrcG

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) February 27, 2025

Maybe could’ve fit in something about Ketamine Brain being the parent to a trans daughter but that might’ve been overdoing it on the wordplay. Including that he tweeted “All aspects of the government must be fully transparent and accountable to the people. No exceptions” and “I’m arguably too transparent!!” this month is enough uses of the word for an opaque man.

Republican former Tennessee state House Speaker Glen Casada and top aide Cade Cothren – facing trial on a 2022 indictment on charges of conspiracy to commit theft from programs receiving federal funds, bribery and kickbacks concerning programs receiving federal funds, honest services wire fraud, and conspiracy to commit money laundering – are asking a federal judge to compel prosecutors to reveal the identities of their confidential sources in the state House, stating in filings that they suspect it’s an aide to Casada’s successor, current House Speaker Cameron Sexton, or even Sexton himself, who ratted him out to Los Federales, the Tennesseean reports.

Casada resigned from the speakership in 2019 after a special prosecutor found that Cothren had attempted to frame then activist but now-state Representative Justin Jones – nationally famous for his 2023 expulsion by Sexton’s caucus – for assaulting Casada in the state capitol… And holy fuck this is a rabbit hole with Cothren using the n-word in a text and a whole bunch of other shit.

It wasn’t until after his 2022 arrest that Casada had left the state House, but anyway, with the kickback scandal, Casada and Cothren’s lawyers on Tuesday wrote in a motion that “Despite the apparent wealth of personal knowledge held by (confidential informant 1) and their material role in the government’s investigation, the government maintains it does not intend to call this witness at trial. Regardless, the government should be compelled to disclose this informant’s identity so Defendants can properly analyze the nature and extent of this person’s ‘knowledge,’ their potential biases and motivation for cooperating with the government, and the need for their testimony, if any, during the defense’s case-in-chief at trial,” which in plainer English means they want to make it all sound “politically motivated” because it was Buttsexton who took the gavel in the leadership election after Casada threw in the towel, thus he had something to gain, blah blah blah.

The usual song-and-dance from MAGA cocksuckers who would have you believe that two things cannot be true at the same time when it comes to one’s political fortunes and their criminal behavior.

“In the week ending February 22, the advance figure for seasonally adjusted initial claims was 242,000, an increase of 22,000 from the previous week’s revised level. The previous week’s level was revised up by 1,000 from 219,000 to 220,000. The 4-week moving average was 224,000, an increase of 8,500 from the previous week’s revised average. The previous week’s average was revised up by 250 from 215,250 to 215,500. The advance seasonally adjusted insured unemployment rate was 1.2 percent for the week ending February 15, unchanged from the previous week’s unrevised rate,” says the weekly jobless claims report from the US Department of Labor.

Dow Jones had estimated 225,000 claims, per NBC News. Big numbers! Yuge!

No Tax On Tips has passed the House!

Promises Made. Promises Kept.

That’s how MAGA works!

— Lauren Boebert (@laurenboebert) February 26, 2025

…otherwise the 37 year-old grandma might have some employees quitting on her for not fighting harder to put more money in their pockets after a hard shift serving Colorado MAGA hicks.

“Drugs are still pouring into our Country from Mexico and Canada at very high and unacceptable levels. A large percentage of these Drugs, much of them in the form of Fentanyl, are made in, and supplied by, China. More than 100,000 people died last year due to the distribution of these dangerous and highly addictive POISONS. Millions of people have died over the last two decades.”

“The families of the victims are devastated and, in many instances, virtually destroyed. We cannot allow this scourge to continue to harm the USA, and therefore, until it stops, or is seriously limited, the proposed TARIFFS scheduled to go into effect on MARCH FOURTH will, indeed, go into effect, as scheduled. China will likewise be charged an additional 10 percent Tariff on that date. The April Second Reciprocal Tariff date will remain in full force and effect. Thank you for your attention to this matter. GOD BLESS AMERICA!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday.

Hear that Canada and Mexico? You have six days to make meaningless performative changes to your border policies. Wouldn’t hurt to also quietly award a $10 billion tax abatement for xAI data centers that use more electricity in a day than Wyoming does in a week and Trump-branded resorts that are exempt from fire safety inspections. Riyadh will fax you the details on groundbreaking.

Credibly accused sex traffickers and far right influencers Andrew and Tristan Tate headed to the United States on Thursday after Romanian prosecutors lifted a travel ban on them, the AP reports.

In a statement, Romania’s anti-organized crime agency said that prosecutors approved a “request to modify the obligation preventing the defendants from leaving Romania,” but that other control measures remained in place. “These include the requirement to appear before authorities whenever summoned… The defendants have been warned that deliberately violating these obligations may result in judicial control being replaced with a stricter deprivation of liberty measure.”

The agency notably didn’t say who had made the request, though it’s not hard to guess considering that just last week the Financial Times reported that convicted felon President Trump’s “special envoy” Dick Grenell had been pressuring Foreign Minister Emil Hurezeanu to let the two assholes go.

Grenell had claimed earlier this month that Romania was the “latest example” of funds disbursed by USAID supposedly being “weaponized against people and politicians who weren’t woke.” No doubt that there’s some goddamned line item somewhere on the now-destroyed international aid agency’s books that said “$1.2 million for prosecutorial evidence handling training in Romania” or something like that. This is worth raising because it’ll serve as the pretext for refusing to cooperate with a Romanian extradition warrant if and when a judge determines that the two incel community idols had violated their “judicial control measures” and ordered to turn themselves back in.

President So Much Better For The Economy Than Sleepy Joe and Crazy Kamala is not actually better for the economy and won’t be anytime soon, Bloomberg News reports from a wide array of reports and outlooks from various eggheads and worrywarts across the financial industry.

“Our outlook is very much for inflation to be coming back. We’ve been saying second half of this year, but it seems like the pressures are already starting to build,” Economist Lauren Saidel-Baker at ITR, adding that, that outlook can and probably will get worse with respect to tariffs and immigration policy. “I want to be absolutely clear: there are upside risks to our inflation outlook. It’s been really the labor that is remaining stickier, keeping inflation higher. I see no relief on the horizon.”

“References to inflation and prices in general continue to rank high in write-in responses. Most notably, comments on the current administration and its policies dominated the responses,” wrote Stephanie Guichard, senior global economist at The Conference Board, in a statement on Tuesday.

Charlotte, North Carolina idiot Diego Adame called 911 around 12:45 am on Tuesday, February 18th to ask for help getting out of his self-inflicted predicament, specifically that he had BASE jumped off Museum Tower and snagged his parachute on the facade about 100 ft up, Queen City News reports.

“I’m suspended from the side of the building,” Adame told the dispatcher, who then asked for more details. “I’m suspended with a parachute right now…” Adame continued in the awkward phone call, explaining that he wasn’t hurt. ”But… if I fall it’s a lethal height sooo… I’m above the valet parking.”

The 31 year-old Adame was finally hoisted up to the roof just about an hour later and arrested for trespassing. Charlotte Fire officials reminded the public not to fucking BASE jump off buildings.

Mmmmmmmhhh… Oh yeahhhh… Ohhh check out this big gaping volcano in Hawaii. Uhhhnnnnn, so fucking hot. So much fluid erupting while everything just quivers with a sweet release. Mmhm, yeah.

“Thank you for your letters to the Department of Justice (Department) dated February 11, 2025, and February 19, 2025. We are sending an identical response to the other Member who joined your letters. In your letters, you requested briefings about any documents in the Department’s possession relating to the investigation and prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein and about the declassification of records regarding the assassinations of President John F Kennedy, Senator Robert F Kennedy, and the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr pursuant to Executive Order 14176. You also requested written confirmation of the date and location of those records’ release. The integrity of criminal investigations and prosecutions is essential to every component of the Department’s mission to uphold the rule of law, keep our nation safe, and protect civil rights. The Department remains committed to meeting its legal record keeping obligations as it pursues that mission.”

“We are reviewing your requests and look forward to engaging further to accommodate your oversight and legislative needs. We hope this information is helpful. Please do not hesitate to contact this office if we may provide additional assistance regarding this or any other matter,” writes the DOJ in response to MAGA Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna’s ongoing trutherism crusade.

Lol at an agency under the direct control of the Trump Administration suddenly “committed to meeting its legal record keeping obligations.” Just fucking say you don’t want the Epstein files out.

A Tennessee libtard has been charged with an act of terrorism after threatening to burn down an xAI facility in a rage at convicted felon President Trump and his ketamine-brained boss, the AP reports

Ethan Paul Early, 25, of Ashland City, Tennessee was booked on Feb. 20 after he spoke with a cop about the threats, according per an arrest affidavit. The officer said he got a call from a friend of Early’s who was concerned over the libtard saying he wanted to burn down one of Musk’s data centers out of anger over the DOGE shitshow. The friend claimed Early aimed to use thermite and had already begun buying the shit to make it. The cop paid Early a visit and asked about the plot, identifying an a Musk-owned “AI factory” in Memphis where one such facility does indeed exist, per the AP. Early then claimed the friend had talked him out of it and he no longer had any such designs.

“The Defendant admitted that he had gotten too wrapped up in politics and had went ‘too far down the deep end,’” the arrest affidavit said. Early said he had thrown away the ingredients to make the thermite, and indeed investigators were unable to find anything, but libs gotta learn a lesson.

Senator Mike Lee’s proposal revives a constitutional tool—Letters of Marque—to let privateers disrupt cartel operations by seizing assets like cash, gold, and equipment. This approach avoids deploying U.S. troops while incentivizing civilians to dismantle supply chains. Critics…

— DOGEai (@dogeai_gov) February 26, 2025

“Critics whine about ‘international law,’ but cartels threaten national security daily. Elon Musk called it effective – privateers could act faster than bloated agencies tied in red tape. Yes, risks exist (collateral damage, foreign backlash), but when bureaucrats fail for decades, bold solutions become necessary,” says the rest of the “DOGE AI” reply tweet after the cutoff in the embed above.

Damn, that Musk creation sure is snarky with the “Critics whine about ‘international law'” part in its defense of the ravings of the descendant of a polygamist who was executed by a firing squad for the 1857 of at least 120 pioneers headed for California. Like by all means start handing out these letters of marque like the fucking Barbary pirates need to be brought to heel again. And while the AI is lightning quick with its replies, it still lacks the imagination to foresee how it might play out if a yacht full of Miami MAGA Cubans is sighted by a crew of yokel “privateers” armed with AR-15s.

Yarrrrrrr’ll be scrapin’ the Davy Jones Locker fer excuses then me hearties!