…then he got back on. Kind of. Things moved fast for the man. Very fast.

Citing German federal police, the BBC reports the unidentified 40 year-old Hungarian national is lucky to be alive and only facing a misdemeanor charge of “an act disruptive to operations” after clinging to outside of the train that had accelerated to at least 175 miles per hour before other passengers saw him hanging on for dear life on Thursday. The man had tried to get back on the Lübeck-bound express train after stepping out for a smoke at a station in Ingolstadt, Bavaria.

“A police officer from the state police who happened to be traveling with the train found the 40 year-old Hungarian ‘passenger’ and brought him on to the train,” said a federal police spokesman. Cops brought the train to a halt about 18 miles north and detained the man, who was also supposedly traveling without a ticket. Not sure how they could rule out that he dropped it while clinging to the outside of a train that was moving at 175 miles per hour in Bavaria in freaking January.

5/ If you believe you should receive a refund, please contact the President-elect at https://t.co/KVdevsVfct.

— Rep. Jason Crow (@RepJasonCrow) January 18, 2025

Spoiler alert: The “FAQ” page at t47inaugural.com says nothing about refunds for money spent to attend the event they’re no longer invited to. And they’re not happy about getting fucked over.

Citing “concerns” that the impeached and suspended leader could “destroy evidence” if allowed out, a judge in South Korea extended right wing shitbrain President Yoon Suk Yeol’s detention for at least the next 20 days while prosecutors consider indicting the asshole on charges of rebellion and abuse of power over his December 3rd martial law declaration, Reuters reports.

Canadian Foreign Minister Mélanie Joly tells the New York Times that Mapleland is going to be “surgical” if and when they have to retaliate against convicted felon President-Elect Trump’s 25 percent tariff on all exports, saying they’re going to inflict whatever pain they can on Red and swing states, levying tolls on Florida orange juice, Tennessee whisky, Kentucky peanut butter and so on.

Joly said she communicated the planned politically-motivated retribution in meetings with Senate Majority Leader John Thune and his lieutenants Lindsey Graham and Jim Risch, letting them know what it’ll be their job to talk the Orange God Emperor out of his mutually destructive impulses.

“My job here is to be able to talk about facts, and that comes before any threat of counter tariffs from our side. Because then the senators might say, ‘Well, why are we doing this? Why are we imposing tariffs? It’s affecting my own constituency,'” Joly told the Times. “Never underestimate Canadians. We fight very hard, and we’re very courageous. We are willing to be surgical and appropriate to have an impact on American jobs,” she continued, as though the MAGA propaganda-industrial complex wouldn’t somehow figure out a way to sell it to the aggrieved as “Canadian aggression” or “economic terrorism” or whatever and that now Trump has to order military strikes.

My NEW Official Trump Meme is HERE! It’s time to celebrate everything we stand for: WINNING! Join my very special Trump Community. GET YOUR $TRUMP NOW. Go to https://t.co/GX3ZxT5xyq — Have Fun! pic.twitter.com/flIKYyfBrC

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 18, 2025

Not even going to pretend to understand what’s going on here, but Twitter user “Crypto Rug Muncher” (lol), writes this is actually a crypto coin – as in a Bitcoin knockoff – rather than an NFT like those $99 “collectable cards” he keeps selling, writing “@realDonaldTrump has dropped what might be the biggest grift in crypto meme coin history: $TRUMP. Days before taking the presidency, he launches a coin with 80 percent allocated, unlocking over 3–12 months and throughout his presidency. Does he want the presidency – or just to scam? Buckle up, wild times are here.”

Does the “80 percent allocated” part means the fat fuck’s hanging on to 20 percent so he can offload the memes or coins or whatever the hell they are at a later date after his dipshit fanboys buy up the rest of them and drive up the price? That one reply says “Would be pretty crazy if he gave American people stimmies with the profits… or some other use for the American people. Very interested to see what happens with this money,” would seem to indicate they do in fact understand that’s the scam here and are resorting to fantasies of magnanimity for their copium.

Impeached and detained conservative South Korean Prersident Yoon Suk Yeol spent his Saturday pleading with a judge to let him out of detention, personally speaking for 40 minutes during a nearly five hour-long closed-door meeting over whether to formalize Yoon’s arrest on sedition charges stemming from his batshit stupid December 3rd declaration of martial law, the AP reports.

If the judge sides with anti-corruption prosecutors in a decision expected either late Saturday or early Sunday Yoon will spend at least the next 20 days behind bars while prosecutors consider a formal indictment, which he’s looking at minimum six months in the joint before his trial can begin if he’s accused of abuse of power and/or orchestrating a rebellion. Yoon could face life imprisonment or even the death penalty if convicted of the latter. Both are being considered by prosecutors.

“The Los Angeles water chief has been given a police security detail amid ‘threats’ against her and water employees, as wildfires swept through Southern California,” Fox News reports, citing LAPD sources and putting “threats” in quotation marks as if the reason for Los Angeles Department of Water and Power’s CEO Janisse Quinones now having round-the-clock police protection is somehow questionable, even as Fox acknowledges there have indeed been threats issued.

“One LAPD source cited the recent shooting in New York of United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson,” the article continues, acknowledging that maybe the threats may be more than merely aspirational or abstract venting by those suffering. Fox News then writes that “Quinones reportedly makes $750,000 per year. She is facing public criticism over Los Angeles’ fire preparedness and water distribution amid the wildfires in the area,” as if to say “people are very angry and might do something to this overpaid DEI hire who didn’t open the water mains from Northern California.”

“Quinones has also previously said she views her position through an ‘equity lense [sic]’ and uses it to provide social justice,” the article concludes in an implied moral justification for murdering her.

See if this were a proper double feature then it would be Darkest Hour and Downfall since they both start with new personal secretaries doing a tryout with their future bosses… And there’s some other stuff in common too. But actually Downfall, the 2004 retelling of Adolf Hitler’s last 10 days, is harrowing, depressing, and necessary. Also executed more or less perfectly, if noticeably within the budget limitations of a production outside of Hollywood-level financing. Maybe a hint of corniness and bullshit to the subplot of 11 and 12 year-old kids recruited to fight to the death in the Battle of Berlin, but pretty much every scene inside the Fuhrerbunker just feels so chillingly real.

Darkest Hour? Something seems just off about the scenes underground as Churchill battled with Lord Halifax and Neville Chamberlain. Something inauthentic. The subway scene was not off so much as fucking awful. But Gary Oldman is great – his best performance since True Romance, as are Ben Mendelsohn as King George VI and Kristin Scott Thomas as Clementine Churchill. It’s worth a watch as an intro point to the state of British politics in the spring of 1940, as the nation stared down the barrel of the Wehrmacht and nearly capitulated. Just don’t take it as historical gospel.

Hahahaha! National Zero with those “gotcha” headlines omitting which country’s former president faces arrested for this or that crime a certain other former president has been credibly accused of.

Or just straight up did. This time the AP reports it’s Bolivia’s 65 year-old former leader Evo Morales, who’s now wanted for arrest after skipping a hearing over allegations he knocked up a teenage girl in 2016, a case in which – surprise – Morales says he’s the real “victim” of political retribution.

Morales has effectively barricaded himself somewhere in his home region, protected from arrest by local leaders like Isidro Vaca who says “We have to take care of him, we are not going to allow (him to be arrested). We will stand by his side 24 hours a day.” Ughhhhhhh… Alright, enough.

“The House Sergeant at Arms has been informed by the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies (JCCIC) that the 60th Inaugural Ceremonies will be held inside the US Capitol. As a result, the majority of ticketed guests will not be able to attend the ceremonies in person, although offices are welcome to distribute tickets to constituents in the manner they think best, if they would like to do so. It is our understanding from the JCCIC that all Members of Congress will be invited to the indoor ceremony. With the exception of tickets in sections three and four, House Members of JCCIC recommend that your offices relay constituents that their tickets will be commemorative.”

“A decision on the seating of ticket sections three and four is still in development by JCCIC,” says a memo from the House Sergeant at Arms to members, emphasis added on the “commemorative” part, lol. Hardcore Trump groupies can commemorate a ceremony they were disinvited from.

“Enjoy soup like never before – Progresso™, your go-to for comforting, premium soups, is innovating beyond expectations this cold and flu season with the launch of the first-ever limited-edition Soup Drops. What’s a Soup Drop? Well, it’s soup you can suck on, of course! While most folks flock to the cough drop aisle at the first sign of a cold, Progresso is here to say, ‘Hold my spoon!’ Progresso Soup Drops deliver the classic, hearty flavor of Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup in a format that will definitely SOUPrise fans – it’s a convenient hard candy drop – reminding you of the comfort you can find in a bowl of Progresso Soup. These savory drops are arriving for a limited time this month for National Soup Month, right at the height of cold and flu season. Now, there’s no spoon needed to dive into the classic taste of the iconic Progresso Traditional Chicken Noodle Soup, but you certainly can reach for the real thing if you’re looking for that feeling of a hug in a bowl!” says General Mills in a press release, and yeah they’re fucking serious with this “soup you can suck on,” um, candy.

The release continues with a quote from General Mills Progresso Unit VP Maria Comings. “For decades, Progresso Soup has brought you cozy comfort on chilly days or when you’re under the weather. When you’re sick, nothing is truly more reassuring than Chicken Noodle Soup. So, we thought, why stop at the soup bowl? We took the beloved flavors of our Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup and packed them into a fun, savory candy Soup Drop for a totally new way to enjoy the taste you love whenever and wherever you want,” said Comings. It’s not clear if this was her idea or what.

Sources tell the Wall Street Journal that executives at Paramount recently held a meeting where they floating settling with convicted felon President-Elect Trump over the lawsuit he filed against subsidiary CBS demanding $10 billion for “election interference” because they supposedly deceptively edited the 60 Minutes interview with Vice President Kamala Harris – the traditional election year double interview for both candidates that Trump pussied out of doing.

Naturally the settlement would have nothing to do with the merits of the complaint itself but because Paramount is eyeing a merger with Skydance Media, a film studio founded by tech billionaire Larry Ellison’s son. “It’s become clear to executives at both companies that Trump’s dissatisfaction with CBS News will make the review tougher than they anticipated, and that they’ll likely need to offer concessions to win approval,” the Journal writes, citing sources familiar.

It need not be written, but nevertheless this appeasement bid is some Viktor Orban-level shit.

In DC. The new @realDonaldTrump term can't come soon enough. The West needs it. pic.twitter.com/mlzJuUPGxt

— Liz Truss (@trussliz) January 17, 2025

In a passage clipped by the Washington Times, House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer writes in his lame new book that he “told [other dumbass Committee Chair Jim] Jordan that I despised Raskin so much I would trade ranking members with him. I would rather smell shit for five straight hours than listen to Jamie Raskin lie like a dog! To properly understand that juxtaposition, you need to ride in an elevator for a few floors with Jim Jordan’s ranking member, Jerry Nadler.”

In another section about the Hunter Biden deposition, Comer writes that Dem Eric Swalwell “popped off one of his usual smart-ass remarks demanding the terms he wanted, and I quickly snapped back, ‘I don’t care what you want, Eric.’ As I was attempting to restore order, Judiciary ranking member Jerry Nadler, who had already filled the room with his signature essence, Eau de Truck Stop Restroom, swelled with emotion (or something equally noxious) and cried forth, ‘Well, I care!’”

A former mayoral candidate in the small southern German town of Loßburg claimes was savagely beaten by a group of six men dressed as members of an ancient cult of pagan witches as he exited a carnival celebration earlier this month, the Telegraph reports on the ongoing witch hunt.

Alexander Kebeck, 43, who launched his political career after being fired as the general manager of a national supermarket’s local branch for refusing to order his team to wear masks on the job during the pandemic (hence the “Corona rebel” branding), got his ass kicked in both the 2020 and 2024 mayoral elections in Loßburg and its larger jurisdiction of Freudenstadt, respectively, and then got his ass kicked by men dressed as “Heimbach-Hexa” carnival witches this year, per Merkur.

“A witch jumped from behind and hit me in the back, brutally knocking me to the ground. Then a total of six witches kicked me,” Kebeck told German tabloid Bild, adding that several of his ribs were left broken. For its part, the Hexa have denied involvement and are cooperating fully with cops on the witch hunt. “Our association strongly rejects violence, hatred and incitement,” a Hexa member said. “We stand behind the motto for every carnival fool: For everyone’s joy, for no one’s suffering.”

It should be noted that this “association’s” costumes are hideous and scary as fuck.

Convicted felon President Trump’s minions tell CNN’s Kaitlan Collins that they’re moving his swearing-in ceremony to inside the Capitol rotunda due to the extreme cold and icy conditions forecasted for DC Monday, with a low of 11 degrees and a high of only 23 degrees – plus wind chills as low as the single digits – all coming after rain and snow hit the region Sunday.

Stating the obvious, earlier reporting from the New York Times mentions that with this move, the number of attendees will be reduced dramatically, but did not get into the weeds about whether that excludes any of the invitees who would’ve been sitting on the stage outside the Capitol. A photo of John F Kennedy’s repose in the rotunda makes it appear as though MAYBE a thousand could fit if standing. Nobody’s going to want to stand for 90+ minutes of Trump rambling angrily.

Unfortunately dropped the ball on this so joining the late dog murderer South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem’s confirmation hearing to lead the Department of Homeland Security very late.

Sources tell the Cook Political Report that Ohio Governor Mike DeWine will appoint Lt Gov Jon Husted to replace couchfucker JD Vance in the Senate. Assclown Vivek Ramaswamy was supposedly in the mix but may have declined to run for governor himself in 2026.

The US Senate on Friday passed the Laken Riley Act by at least 61 votes. The law allows undocumented immigrants to be detained by ICE if arrested for petty crimes like shoplifting.

The US Supreme Court on Friday upheld the Biden Administration’s ban on Chinese-made social media app TikTok, despite convicted felon President-Elect Trump trying pushing back against it.