In an article titled “Ashley Madison reveals top 20 American cities for scandalous, adulterous behavior this winter,” the dating site for fucking-around-the-side’s Chief Strategy Officer Paul Keable assures Fox News that their readers need not travel to warmer climes to fuck around this winter as many of the best metros for extramarital sex-seeking users lie well within the snow belt.

“It’s a really interesting time of the year as we walk into winter and what a lot of online daters like to refer to as ‘cuffing season,’ where you try to lock down a partner for the colder months. We at Ashley Madison wanted to take a look at our data to see where affairs are more likely to potentially happen this coming winter,” said Keable and this article is seriously a fucking infomercial for goddamned Ashley Madison, lol. “What’s fascinating, the top hot spots for the cold nights are certainly in a lot of the warm weather spots with four of the top five places landing in Florida, including Miami, Orlando and Tampa, with Las Vegas dropping in at number three But when you drill down a little bit beyond the top five, you start to see that a lot of winter hot spots and possibly some après-ski areas are going to be the highlight of activity for a lot of online married daters this winter.”

Noting the Skyline Chili City’s placement in the fifth spot, Keable describes Cincinnati as “a perfect encapsulation of why our business exists. It’s not a hotbed of traditional dating activity in the winter, people would assume because it’s colder weather, you’re going to get a lot of snow. But what it shows you is that typical middle America, average blue-collar people are looking for things outside of the traditional norms of monogamy,” and holy shit dude just admit this article is payola.

Scott Stapp taking the stage last night pic.twitter.com/S7cpQygPMB

— Jack Poso 🇺🇸 (@JackPosobiec) November 24, 2024

The return of Creed heralded the return of Trump and the dawn of the Golden Age

Few understand the necessity of this

The bridge

— Jack Poso 🇺🇸 (@JackPosobiec) November 24, 2024

The male emperor penguin who was found wandering on a beach in Western Australia earlier this month was deported to the waters an unknown distance toward his native Antarctica last week after 20 days in the care of local veterinarians who fed him fish and seafood slurry to regain his strength in the hopes that he would be able to swim back on his own, ABC Australia reports.

“The bird had put on a reasonable amount of weight,” said seabird carer Carol Biddulph, who nicknamed the penguin “Gus” after Roman Emperor Augustus Caesar. “The plumage was wonderful, well waterproofed, we had got the salt gland pumping. Sea birds have a salt gland so they can process the salt water,” Biddulph continued, adding she was on the boat that dumped Gus back into the icy waters of the Southern Ocean. “I’ve got every faith he will get home. I mean, he got here.”

In an article titled “How Trump could finally kick Tren de Aragua out of the US after Biden admin stopped deporting Venezuelans” the New York Post reports that on day one, literally right after he leaves the inauguration at the Capitol, a newly re-empowered President Trump will strap on body armor, load a high capacity mag into an XM7 6.8×51mm assault rifle, jump into the driver’s seat of the first in a convoy of armored assault vehicles, blast on “Ride of the Valkyries” thought the loudspeakers to get all the America First ICE and CBP SWAT agents in the operation pumped up, and smash through the metal shutters of Venezuelan street gang Tren de Aragua’s world headquarters, hidden in a warehouse on the edge of a rail yard in a grimy industrial section of Baltimore.

“Mierda! Esta Presidente Trump!” one of the goons will scream as the new 47th president steps out of the vehicle and begins blasting them, rivulets of blood mixed with $100 bills, tiny rainbow fentanyl candies, and photos of white sorority girls on Tren’s list of sex trafficking kidnap targets – all spiraling through the air in slow motion as their table is upended in the hail of bullets. One of the younger members of the gang, who dove down a staircase when the armored vehicle plowed in, will pull out a small handgun and fire at Trump, one of the rounds clipping the 47th president’s ear, causing him to kneel down in pain and drop his rifle. But before the Tren initiate can even adjust his aim, Trump will spin around and plant a throwing knife in his eye socket from 15 feet away, saying slyly “You should’ve googled what happened to the last punk-ass kid who did that to my ear.”

Tennessee Senator Bill Hagerty on Sunday was obviously frustrated that the rape allegation against dipshit white nationalist Fox News host Pete Hegseth became public after convicted felon President-Elect Trump announced Pete was his choice to lead the most powerful military on the planet. It’s not clear why Hagerty isn’t similarly frustrated at Team Trump for failing to do the proper vetting to make sure that they weren’t nominating some Neo-Nazi rapist and thus forcing him and other senators to spend their Sunday mornings making these fucking ridiculous arguments.

“When NASA’s Europa Clipper reaches its destination in 2030, the spacecraft will prepare to aim an array of powerful instruments toward Jupiter’s moon Europa during 49 flybys, looking for signs that the ocean beneath the moon’s icy crust could sustain life. While the spacecraft, which launched Oct 14, carries the most advanced science hardware NASA has ever sent to the outer solar system, teams are already developing the next generation of robotic concepts that could potentially plunge into the watery depths of Europa and other ocean worlds, taking the science even further.”

“This is where an ocean-exploration mission concept called SWIM comes in. Short for Sensing With Independent Micro-swimmers, the project envisions a swarm of dozens of self-propelled, cellphone-size swimming robots that, once delivered to a subsurface ocean by an ice-melting cryobot, would zoom off, looking for chemical and temperature signals that could indicate life,” says NASA on a concept for a future Europa mission should they find evidence of liquid water during Clipper.

There’s no mention of sterilization procedures for the SWIM bots, which is kind of important since a stray E Coli or Strep or some other kind of common bacteria stuck to the devices could utterly fuck up whatever that ecosystem may or may not be currently thriving under the icy surface of Europa.

Masked members of Venezuelan dictator Nicholas Maduro’s security forces laid siege to the Argentinian embassy in Caracas on Saturday, hell-bent on arresting six opposition politicians seeking asylum with a far less dysfunctional South American country, CNN reports.

Pedro Urruchurtu, international coordinator for opposition leader Maria Corina Machado, who has been holed up in the embassy since March, tweeted Saturday that armed hooded members of the National Police had closed off streets outside the embassy. Drones were hovering over the building and phone signals had been cut off, Urruchurtu wrote. It’s not clear how he otherwise managed to tweet about it without signal. This is the second time Maduro’s regime has threatened to storm the embassy since the rigged July election, the first was back in September when cheated oppo candidate Edmundo Gonzalez had been allowed to flee to asylum in Spain. “I alert the world to what may happen to fellow refugees in the Argentine Embassy in Caracas,” Gonzalez tweeted Saturday.

Jason Aldean's wife blames 'wokeness' for Billboard 100 greatest country artists of all time list snub https://t.co/414re7u4nD

— Fox News (@FoxNews) November 23, 2024

Philippines Vice President Sara Duterte on Saturday told reporters in an early morning press conference that she’s already spoken with an assassin and ordered him to kill President Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos, First Lady Liza Araneta, and House Speaker Martin Romualdez immediately if Duterte is killed, Reuters reports on a pretty wacky situation in the southeast Asian archipelago.

“I have talked to a person. I said, if I get killed, go kill BBM [Marcos], Liza Araneta, and Martin Romualdez. No joke. No joke,” Duterte, daughter of autocratic former President Rodrigo Duterte, said in what Reuters describes as a “profanity-laden briefing” to reporters. “I said, do not stop until you kill them, and then he said yes,” Duterte continued. The office of the Philippine vice president is elected separately from the president and has no official powers. Duterte resigned from Marcos’s cabinet in June after their temporary alliance had collapsed due to disagreements over foreign policy and the aftermath of Rodrigo Duterte’s murderous war on drugs which saw thousands summarily executed in the streets whether or not they had actually been involved in the narcotics trade. Then there’s also that Duterte Senior, who left office in 2022, has been agitating on and off for his home base in the poorer southern region of Mindanao to secede from the rest of the country.

It’s not clear if Sara Duterte had slipped a Mike Pence joke in her tirade against Marcos.

• Now we know it was Matt Gaetz who invited Madison Cawthorn to all those drug-fueled sex parties.
• Finishing < 50% of the vote means there is no mandate.  While he finally got the plurality of votes for the first time, he did not get the overwhelming support he’s claiming.
• It’s nice to have rediscovered the talent of John Mayer.  It had been more than a decade since I had given him a serious listen, but he reappeared randomly in a playlist at the right time.
• MSNBC is due for a shake-up, particularly on its daytime side.  It doesn’t have to be a Trump hate-fest 24/7, but it does need journalists willing to stand up to the Administration, not kowtow to a wannabe dictator.
  Read More ▶ “Random thoughts Friday, Volume CCI”

They’re no longer hiding it:  Sebastian Gorka, a man whose greetings are used to train Halloween haunted house Draculas, will be a deputy assistant to the Orange in the next administration and he’ll serve as senior director for counterterrorism, Politico reports.  Best known for his deep affection for the old Hungarian Nazi Party whose pin he regularly wears on his lapel, Gorka is currently a pundit for the Salem Radio Network and Newsmax.  (Apparently, no one at Fox would take the pay cut.)

Savor this while you can:  the Oval Office occupant honoring his job by acting with dignity and noting how he enjoys serving the American people, not eternally whining about difficult his life is.  Less than sixty days of sanity left.

At least this guy has some experience in the field:  the incoming embryonic dictatorship announced that a billionaire hedge fund manager, Scott Bessent, will be their Treasury Secretary nominee, CNN reports.  Bessent will inherit an economy that has slashed inflation to lower than pre-pandemic levels, maximized US fossil fuel production, and had a full term of consecutive job growth, all while his boss complains that he inherited an economy in the gutter.

You’d think that once Maine Republican state legislator Lucas Lanigan turned himself in to face domestic abuse charges two days before the election, his political career would be over, right?  Well, not in today’s political climate, in which Lanigan won re-election to his seat according to a second recount of the votes which found he won by a single vote, NBC News reports.

Lanigan’s wife originally told police the Republican choked her after she confronted him about an alleged affair.  His wife later attempted to withdraw the charges, claiming it was a misunderstanding.  Still, Lanigan got 2,478 votes to Democratic challenger Patty Kidder’s 2,477.

Canadian far right scumbag Pat King, a leading figure of the “Freedom Convoy” movement whose five week shitshow paralyzed the nation’s capital of Ottawa when hundreds of 18-wheelers choked the streets in protest of the COVID-19 vaccine mandate, was found guilty Friday on five of nine charges against him for inciting the mess, and faces up to 10 years in the clink, the CBC reports.

The five charges King was nailed on include two counts of disobeying a court order and one each of mischief, counseling to commit mischief and counseling to obstruct a public or peace officer while he walked on three counts of intimidation and counseling to commit intimidation, and one of obstructing a public or peace officer. King’s defense had tried to sell the court on a very MAGA January 6th-ish “entrapment” line of bullshit, as the CBC writes his lawyer Natasha Calvinho “argued police and government ‘barricaded’ protesters in downtown Ottawa, preventing them from leaving the city. She also pointed to moments when King told supporters to remain peaceful and co-operate with authorities.” Hmmmm… That last bit sure sounds pretty goddamned familiar, right?

King’s fellow Clustertruck organizers, Tamara Lich and Chris Barber, are still facing trial as co-defendants. The CBC reported earlier this year that their case has been stalled repeatedly, though a verdict could come within the next six months. That King went down on Friday does not mean the other two will be convicted as the charges against them are very different in nature.

Far right German activist Ursula Haverbeck, who spent decades fighting the government over free speech issues related to history, died Wednesday at the age of 96, the Associated Press reports.

Haverbeck, who was jailed multiple times for having outspoken opinions on whether the Holocaust actually happened, was out on appeal and facing a 16 month term for again having been convicted of just asking questions over the Auschwitz-Birkenau extermination camp. It would have been Haverbeck’s fourth time in the joint in 20 years had she lived to go inside for the latest sentence.

And yeah, she was a fucking Holocaust denier and the above was some good old fashioned mainstream media-style normie-washing of MAGA psychopathy. The AP didn’t do that here, but their headline “Ursula Haverbeck, German far-right activist repeatedly convicted for Holocaust denial, dies at 96” is slightly weird and definitely longer than it needs to be. Yes, “Holocaust denial” is right there, and while we do appreciate them linking her to the “far right,” what was wrong with simply writing “German Holocaust denier Ursula Haverbeck dies at 96”? Is this like some sort of politically correct construct akin to how saying “He’s autistic” is verboten and you have to say “He has autism” instead, like you can’t define a person for certain attributes about who they are?

Hey @elonmusk I have the funniest idea ever!!! https://t.co/OEwz6S5ncs

— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) November 22, 2024

The Texas Supreme Court on Friday ruled that Picasso-faced Attorney General Ken Paxton won’t have to sit for a deposition in the the long-running lawsuit brought by former lieutenants who said he had fired them in retaliation for blowing the whistle on his crimes, the Texas Tribune reports.

Fucked up story short: Paxton actually waved the white flag in this lawsuit, saying he agreed not to contest it, the whole point of that being he did not want to go under oath in the deposition and be questioned about his crimes. A trial judge said not so fast, you lazy-eyed piece of shit, ordering Pax to sit regardless of whether he was putting up a defense. The case made it to the Lone Star State’s Supreme Court, but Paxton’s petition wasn’t docketed until after fellow degenerate criminal now-President-Elect Trump for reasons still unknown demanded that the court shield Paxton from the deposition. Fully aware of the appearance of impropriety, the court went out of their way to claim that Trump’s Truth Social post had nothing to do with them granting certiorari to Paxton.

We doubt they’re even going to bother now that Paxton and Trump both got what they wanted here, that Crooked Kenny doesn’t have to plead the Fifth or otherwise implicate himself in this case. Also extremely unlikely is the reason why Trump thought it important enough to intervene on something that, as far as we know, had nothing to do with him personally. It is entirely possible that Trump was simply being “altruistic” and rewarding Pax’s past loyalty with the shout out. But really any other scenario raises the possibility that the fat fuck could somehow have been implicated too – for what we can’t even begin to speculate. Well it sure sucks for us that Paxton escaped it, huh?

Although he almost certainly could if he wanted to come back and wait for the House Ethics Committee to drop a report on his statutory rape, sex trafficking, drug use, and possibly even bribery, given that he won reelection on November 5th, Matt Gaetz on Friday told CNN his days of not doing anything for the American people are behind him and he will not show up to be sworn in to the 119th Congress on January 3rd. Now Mike Johnson loses a vote for however long it takes for Ron DeSantis to set up a special election and Pam Bondi will be the next US Attorney General.

So this entire debacle was all for nothing. It was such lib-owning to name Gaetz the nominee for attorney general and he quits eight fucking days later. Congrats on that, MAGAmerica.

American homosexuals engaging in chemsex should be outraged that we were funding this in Malaysia! https://t.co/pC21qafQDR

— Matt Gaetz (@mattgaetz) November 22, 2024

At least Gaetz will have even more time on his hands for other pursuits on the internet.

Manhattan Judge Juan Merchan on Friday ordered convicted felon President-Elect Trump’s sentencing on 34 felony counts of business fraud canceled indefinitely, the unfortunate outcome of the fat fuck’s return to power, but apparently leaving the door open to him being imprisoned in 2029.

There’s still further motions pending in the case, mostly Trump’s effort to toss the conviction. It’s not clear yet if a rejection of the dismissal bid could move through the state-level appellate process from there. Either way, it’s probably too much to hope for this to be all settled by then and that Trump would be due to report to Clinton Correctional Facility at 12:30 PM on January 20, 2029.