Sources on convicted felon former President Trump’s team tell the New York Times that – despite acknowledging a “less than ideal” problem for Lord Orange in a crucial state – they pretty quickly gave up on the idea to try to pressure sick freak North Carolina Lt Governor Mark Robinson into dropping out of the gubernatorial race on Thursday, deciding “that direct pressure probably would not work and could in fact backfire, leading him to dig in and defend himself,” per the Times.

With Trump headed to North Carolina for a rally on Saturday – Robinson will not be on stage with him, probably ever again – Donald’s minions told the Times that Donald’s first reaction privately to the story was that it had nothing to do with him and he’s staying out of it, but they said to expect the disgraced former president to address the matter either at the rally or via Truth Social the usual way: By pretending he hardly knows the man he once called “Martin Luther King on steroids.”

The Times reporting comes after Puck’s Tara Palmeri put together a more general dispatch from within the Great MAGA King’s palace, writing that “with less than seven weeks until the election, the mood within Mar-a-Lago is decidedly grim,” and that the best news is that Don Jr’s engagement to Kim Guilfoyle will probably survive him being spotted in public making out with some Palm Beach socialite and that there’s no truth to the far grosser rumors of a Don Sr-Laura Loomer hookup.

You can tell Maria Bartiromo, who isn’t all that chemically balanced herself, is a wee bit taken aback by House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer calling Minnesota Gov Tim Walz’s family “That’s a scary family. It looks like the type of family that’s been indoctrinated,” before trying to Hunter Biden-ize Vice President Kamala Harris’s running mate with the same old “Chayna” bullshit.

In a blow to Kremlin efforts to get convicted felon former President Trump returned to power, the US Supreme Court on Friday tossed an emergency petition from Russian asset Jill Stein to get on the ballot in Nevada, the Associated Press reports on a win for Silver State Democrats who had successfully challenged Stein’s ballot access petition signatures as fraudulent.

“Thank you for your letter regarding the potential for the weaponization of Federal Communications Commission broadcast licensing. The First Amendment is a cornerstone of our democracy. The Commission does not revoke licenses for broadcast stations simply because a political candidate disagrees with or dislikes content or coverage. Our job at the agency is to license broadcast stations in a manner consistent with the Constitution and the Communications Act of 1934 as well as the rules and policies we have adopted pursuant to these laws. There are no exceptions.”

“I appreciate your interest in this matter. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance,” wrote FCC Chairwoman Jessica Rosenworcel in response to Dem Senators Ron Wyden and Ed Markey’s inquiries about whether demented old slob former President Trump’s demands that ABC be punished over his horrifically bad debate performance against Vice President Kamala Harris.

A source at the Apple Store in Downtown Brooklyn on Thursday informed National Zero that most staff members – the source himself included – had to clock in at 6 AM Friday ahead of an 8 AM special opening for the launch of the newest generation of iPhone, iPad, and Apple Watch models.

The source said he anticipated a busy morning and maybe some mild headaches while moving the newest devices but, as a longtime retail employee of the tech brand’s storefronts, nothing even remotely on the scale of the blocks-long lines and instant sellout launches of the early years of the world’s most popular smartphone and – to a lesser extent – its associated tablets and smartwatches.

While we’re pretty confident the source was not savagely beaten to death, much less even threatened with it by hardcore Apple nerds, we’re far less certain the same can be said of the hotly anticipated launch of the Huawei Mate XT – also debuting on Friday – where Huawei superfans were fucking PISSED that the $2,800 USD tri-foldable smartphone was available only to customers who had preordered, with one outside of a store telling Reuters he had “been here since 10 pm last night because this tri-folding phone is a first and I’m excited to support our country.”

Maybe the headline’s less sarcastic than intended, since the media narrative about her hiding from the media is more like bitching that she won’t do a full Ginsburg on Sunday morning while she’s doing less conventional but smarter, more-focused hits like the “Wired Autocomplete” above.

A new national public opinion survey by AP-NORC finds Vice President Kamala Harris leading convicted felon former President Trump 40 to 39 percent on the question of which candidate would handle crime better, a possible warning sign for the fat, demented old bastard who constantly posts shit like “CRIME IN AMERICA IS OUT OF CONTROL. I AM GOING TO MAKE IT, ALONG WITH THE ECONOMY, INFLATION, STRONG BORDERS, AND ENERGY DOMINANCE, MY TOP PRIORITY.”

On those other “signature issues” Trump’s leads are down to 43 to 41 percent on the economy and 45 to 40 percent on immigration, the second of which was the type of finding Republicans in Congress have been struggling to cope with in particular. Trump’s only other lead was a 36 to 33 percent on handling the War Between Israel and Hamas. Everything else was abysmal, but to be fair they were issues any Dem should naturally have a big lead on, such as climate, abortion, guns, etc.

The AP writes the economy finding’s “a warning sign for Trump, who has tried to link Harris to Joe Biden’s economic record. The new poll suggests Harris may be escaping some of the president’s baggage on the issue, undercutting what was previously one of Trump’s major advantages.”

Ohio Governor Mike DeWine laments convicted felon former President Trump and his Mike Pence replacement JD Vance’s batshit lies about DeWine’s hometown in a New York Times op-ed:

Might be another hour or two before Truth Social lights up with “Ohio ‘Governor’ Mike DeWhiner is an America Last Globalist RINO who does Not have the courage to protect the people of his Great State. I love Ohio and they need a Fighter to protect them from these people the illegals who are eating the dogs, eating the cats, eating the pets. Mike DeWhine is not that Fighter. Very sad.”

Former President Donald Trump maintains a 2-point lead over Vice President Kamala Harris in the race for the White House in the first Rasmussen Reports survey conducted since the candidates' debate. MORE: https://t.co/hdgHiTMIup pic.twitter.com/aLirKjRgES

— NEWSMAX (@NEWSMAX) September 20, 2024

What makes this even funnier is that Trump himself on Thursday had posted “New Rasmussen Poll has us leading by 8 points, 52-44. Smart people want a Great Economy, No Inflation, Energy Independence, a Strong Military & Border, NO CRIME, a Powerful Second Amendment, Honest Elections, and much more. MAGA!!! TRUMP2024,” meaning one of them is lying or mistaken.

We would go find the actual Rasmussen poll to find out, but that would require actually caring.

Giant-foreheaded Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz was present a drug-fueled sex party in 2017 with the 17-year-old girl at the center of the sex trafficking scandal that brought down his bro Joel Greenberg, according to legal documents filed to a Florida federal court just before midnight Thursday, that cite sealed affidavits from three eye-witness testimonies, NOTUS reports.

The details about the party, hosted by another Gaetz bro lobbyist Chris Dorsworth, surfaced in the documents that were only filed because Dorsworth had filed a lawsuit against the witnesses that ended up getting tossed, and their lawyers posted these filings early Thursday as part of their push to recoup fees. “The discovery taken in this case to date reflects that on Saturday, July 15, 2017… Dorworth, hosted a party at his residence… with the following guests present: (1) AB; (2) KM; (3) BG (4) Matt Gaetz,” the filing says, detailing specific testimony mentioning that, “AB” the then-17 year-old who was seen nude at the party where revelers were present to “engage in sexual activities,” and consume “alcohol, cocaine, ecstasy… and marijuana.” Sounds like Gaetz’s kind of time.

The crucial 11:59 PM deadline came and went Thursday and obese “black NAZI” psychopath Lt Governor Mark Robinson did not withdraw from the North Carolina gubernatorial race, WSOC TV’s Joe Bruno reports, dooming the state Republican Party to what had already been a pretty highly likely defeat at the hands of Dem Attorney General Josh Stein even before CNN dug up all the horribly embarrassing shit Robinson posted on “Nude Africa” over a decade ago.

Olivia Nuzzi is on leave from New York Magazine after acknowledging she had an affair with worm-brained presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. while she was covering he 2024 campaign and he was married to actress Cheryl Hines, The Wrap reports.

The magazine reportedly learned of the affair before Nuzzi disclosed it.  “Recently our Washington Correspondent Olivia Nuzzi acknowledged to the magazine’s editors that she had engaged in a personal relationship with a former subject relevant to the 2024 campaign while she was reporting on the campaign, a violation of the magazine’s standards around conflicts of interest and disclosures,” read a statement from the magazine.

Nuzzi had written a profile of the Man Who Dumps Bear in Park in 2023, but a person close to the report told a reporter anonymously that the affair started after it was published.

The group that claims to represent the uncommitted voters of America–presumably a bunch of single forty-somethings who live in rented apartments where they’re still trying to decide between MeatLovers and Hawaiian–lived up to their collective reputation and declined to endorse a candidate in the upcoming presidential election.

Yes, predictably, Uncommitted National Movement leaders decline to outright endorse Democratic nominee Kamala Harris, according to USA Today, although they did publicly oppose a second term for Trump and all other independent candidates.

“How about the deaths of millions of unborn babies?” asks Breitbart commenter Bewareofgun in the top comment on a story editorializing that Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris will “blame” Donald Trump for the deaths of two women who died because doctors were too afraid of legal action to treat the women’s fatal pregnancies.

At an address to the Israeli-American Council, a group largely funded by conservative donor extraordinaire Miriam Adelson, the perpetually offensive and offended Republican rapist and presidential nominee Donald Trump wandered from saying “Israel needs to defeat” Democratic nominee Kamala Harris; drones on about his 2016-esque Islamophobic travel ban; and finally tells Jewish people that they’ve treated him very, very badly.  We opt not to run this live because… why give more air to his whining?

Dem on Dem violence in Letcher County, Kentucky as Sheriff Mickey Stines on Thursday walked into the courthouse in Whitesburg and proceeded to blast Judge Kevin Mullins before calmly walking out of the building and surrendering to his own deputies immediately afterward, LEX 18 reports.

We actually don’t know if Mullins was a Democrat, but we think he probably was since former Gov Steve Beshear, father of current Gov Andy Beshear, appointed him in 2009. Stines definitely ran as a Dem but who the hell knows. He could be MAGA and just switched his affiliation to run against another Republican. The thing is not only do we not care, we actually welcome the opportunity to be “fair and balanced” by reporting that a Dem elected official is a fucking maniac who would kill a judge in his freaking office in broad daylight. It helps us appear more credible or whatever.

Love the “pre-pandemic” caveat. It’s like yeah we know, you fucking moron, but Trump doesn’t get a mulligan for the economic crash during the pandemic. If anything his incompetence made it worse.

A new set of surveys by Morning Consult – which you should take with a grain of salt but nevertheless – finds Texas Dem Congressman Colin Allred leading podcaster Senator Ted Cruz 45 to 44 percent, Ohio Dem Senator Sherrod Brown leading M4M d-bag Bernie Moreno by 2 percent. Vice President Kamala Harris meanwhile leads fat former President Trump in every swing state except Georgia where Trump’s up by 1, with Harris up 8 percent in Michigan, 6 percent in Wisconsin, 4 percent in Nevada, 2 percent in Pennsylvania and North Carolina, and 1 percent in Arizona.

Separately a survey by Noble Predictive Insights finds Dem Montana Senator Jon Tester leading that douchebag Tim Sheehy 45 to 44 percent. That’s a race that needs more and better polling.

A cat sadly separated from his owners in Yellowstone National Park in June somehow figured out his way 800 freaking miles to California over two months, making it almost home to the city of Salinas, when a stranger picked him up off the street in Roseville, 150 miles north, and through the local SPCA was able to get in touch with his family using the data on his ID microchip, KSBW reports.

Nobody knows what the hell happened to Rayne Beau. His owner, Susanne Anguiano and husband Benny, though obviously thrilled to have him back at home, is asking the public for any information on if they gave him a ride to California from Wyoming or what. Benny would love to hear from someone who says “Hey, I remember that cat, and like we saw it here, we saw it there or even they took it in.” Otherwise, given the cat’s emaciation and time, they may be stuck just assuming Rayne Beau may have literally just walked most of the way from Yellowstone to Salinas, California.

Look, if you got caught posting “I’m not in the KKK. They don’t let blacks join. If I was in the KKK I would have called him Martin Lucifer K**n!” while you were running a major statewide campaign you would probably deny it and refuse to drop out too so, you know, light up a little.

Also, Politico reports they found Robinson’s email address listed on Ashley Madison, hahaha.