A Tampa, Florida man upset after being ejected by the Emperors Gentleman Club at about 4:00 AM Tuesday morning over what one can safely assume was ungentlemanly behavior decided posting a negative Yelp review wasn’t going to do it, so he drove his semi truck at full speed into the entrance of the establishment, killing one man and injuring two others, the Tampa Bay Times reports.

“This is an unbelievably tragic and completely avoidable incident. We will work to get justice for the victims and their families,” Tampa police Chief Lee Bercaw said a prepared statement. “Even the families embarrassed that their loved ones were at a strip club at 4 AM on a Tuesday. God, I can’t imagine having to go through that, especially the family of the guy who died. Shit, I mean how do you look people in the eye at the funeral home? ‘Oh Marty was such a great husband, I’ll miss the way he came home at 7 AM smelling like stripper’? Damn” Bercaw did not add, but probably thought.

𝗩𝗶𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆 𝗶𝗻 𝗡𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗵 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗮! The Dem party's lawsuit trying to knock us off the ballot – was DEFEATED. The judge, a Democrat (!), said it would be "unconscionable" to claim we used "subterfuge" when in fact the campaign "complied with the requirements."

— Robert F. Kennedy Jr (@RobertKennedyJr) August 13, 2024

In related news, the state Republican Party on Tuesday celebrated Cornel West being similarly ordered back on to the ballot, saying in a statement that the Dem-majority state Board of Elections “failed the people of North Carolina for months abusing the certification process. Now, these contests will be decided where they should: by the citizens of our great state.” It’s not clear if they said the same about Kennedy being reinstated in the maybe swing state.

“The UAW has filed federal labor charges against disgraced billionaires Donald Trump and Elon Musk for their illegal attempts to threaten and intimidate workers who stand up for themselves by engaging in protected concerted activity, such as strikes. After significant technical delays on X, formerly known as Twitter, Trump and Musk had a rambling, disorganized conversation on Monday evening in front of over one million listeners in which they advocated for the illegal firing of striking workers,” says the United Auto Workers in a statement and lol and them pointing out the “significant technical delays” and “rambling, disorganized conversation” in the announcement.

“‘I mean, I look at what you do,’ Trump told Musk. ‘You walk in, you say, You want to quit? They go on strike, I won’t mention the name of the company, but they go on strike and you say, That’s OK, you’re all gone. You’re all gone. So, every one of you is gone.’ Under federal law, workers cannot be fired for going on strike, and threatening to do so is illegal under the National Labor Relations Act. ‘When we say Donald Trump is a scab, this is what we mean. When we say Trump stands against everything our union stands for, this is what we mean,’ said UAW President Shawn Fain.”

“‘Donald Trump will always side against workers standing up for themselves, and he will always side with billionaires like Elon Musk, who is contributing $45 million a month to a Super PAC to get him elected. Both Trump and Musk want working class people to sit down and shut up, and they laugh about it openly. It’s disgusting, illegal, and totally predictable from these two clowns.'”

A worker with the Nasittuq Corporation – a military contractor tasked with maintaining defense radar installations in the Canadian Arctic for detecting incoming Russian and Chinese missiles – was himself savagely killed by two stealthy, heavily camouflaged intruders in an attack last week.

“It is with deep sorrow that Nasittuq Corporation confirms a tragic incident occurred yesterday at one of our work locations on Brevoort Island, Nunavut. An attack by two polar bears has resulted in the loss of one of our valued employees. Nasittuq employees responded to the scene and one of the animals was put down,” the company said in a statement. The second polar bear’s whereabouts remain unknown. It may be hiding in the snow, waiting for another unsuspecting defense contractor to let their guard down so that it may feast upon tender, delicious human flesh again.

Italian officials on Monday confirmed they had recovered the bodies of two adults buried by the deadly eruption of Mount Vesuvius that devastated the coastal towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum, and increasing a death toll currently estimated to reach as high as 16,000, CBS News reports.

“The room was chosen as a refuge by the two people, while waiting for the end of the fall of pumice that had been gradually filling the open spaces for hours in the rest of the house,” officials at the Pompeii dig site said in a statement distributed to media outlets still captivated by the October 3, 79 AD eruption of the towering stratovolcano that still threatens the region with periodic activity.

Prominent navy Commander Pliny the Elder, Herodian princess Drusilla, her son Agrippa, and poet Caesius Bassus are believed to be among the more prominent victims of the 79 AD eruption.

.@KamalaHarris criticizes Trump for the things he says in interviews, while refusing to do a single one herself. https://t.co/hJWhxPmukx

— Vivek Ramaswamy (@VivekGRamaswamy) August 13, 2024

Whoa! What a dunk on the Veep by 45! Completely freaking scorched her by pointing out she hasn’t sat for an interview yet! Libs are really peeing their pants now! Trump was so cool and confident he didn’t even need his dentu- Ah fuck, can only sustain this grating sarcasm for so long.

All this being said, maybe Harris should sit for a livestreamed interview on LinkedIn with founder/big time Dem donor Reid Hoffman and then with MSNBC host Rachel Maddow, if only to throw this stupid shrieking over her currently ongoing (but overblown) media embargo into relief.

Ukraine President Volodymr Zelensky on Monday said the ongoing and surprisingly thus far pretty successful incursion by Kyiv’s troops into Russia’s Kursk region was designed to stop Putin’s legions from firing shells across the border at Ukraine and to capture POWs, Politico EU reports.

In his nightly address to the nation, Zelensky said Ukrainian troops were targeting “the areas from which the Russian army launches strikes on our Sumy,” adding that nearly 2,100 shells had been fired from the Kursk region into Ukraine since June 1st. “Therefore, our operations are purely a security matter for Ukraine — the liberation of the border area from the Russian military.”

“It is only fair to destroy Russian terrorists where they are, where they launch their strikes from,” said Zelensky, adding that Ukraine’s strategy would also enable it to “replenish” the POW “exchange fund” and enable his wartime government to “return all our people from Russian captivity.”

In a clear boost for Democrats, Arizona Secretary of State Adrian Fontes’s office on Monday announced that they had certified signatures on the petition for a ballot measure adding a right to abortion to the state constitution for the November ballot, the Arizona Mirror reports.

Canvassers had collected around 578,000 valid signatures, significantly more than the nearly 384,000 it needed to qualify for the ballot. It’s still not a done deal however as Republicans are mounting a challenge to the wording of the measure as presented to petition signers. Though a Maricopa County judge tossed a complaint by forced-birther organization Right to Life last week, the group immediately appealed to the state Supreme Court – the same bench that in April voted 4-2 to reinstate the draconian 1864 law completely banning any reproductive health procedures, prompting frenzied lobbying efforts by convicted felon former President Trump and Nazi psychopath Kari Lake to get the state legislature to reverse it, which they did – so we’ll see how it goes.

The Arizona Supremes need to rule by the August 22nd ballot printing deadline.

TALE AS OLD AS…: The magazine was widely mocked by conservatives and Harris critics after unveiling the fawning cover story about the Democratic presidential nominee. The sharp reactions. https://t.co/nyC41TAaS6 pic.twitter.com/bGVFcEFLwt

— Fox News (@FoxNews) August 13, 2024

A new USA Today/Suffolk University survey of Florida voters finds convicted felon former President Trump leading Vice President Kamala Harris 47 to 42 percent, a potential major warning sign for the fat fuck from his adopted home state… where Ron DeSantis was reelected by 19 percent in 2022.

Brainwormed independent candidate Robert F Kennedy Jr came in third at 5 percent support with another 5 percent undecided or backing others. USA Today either did not test or has not published yet the Senate race between white collar criminal Rick Scott and Dem challenger Congresswoman Debbie Murcarsel-Powell, but back in June a Florida Atlantic University survey found him up just 45 to 43 percent while Trump led President Joe Biden 45 to 40 percent among the same sample.

“At 500 AM AST (0900 UTC), the center of Tropical Storm Ernesto was located near latitude 16.2 North, longitude 61.3 West. Ernesto is moving toward the west near 20 mph (31 km/h). A west-northwestward motion with some decrease in forward speed is expected during the next day or so.”

“On the forecast track, Ernesto is expected to move across portions of the Leeward Islands this morning and near or over the US and British Virgin Islands and Puerto Rico by this evening. After passing Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands, Ernesto is forecast to turn northward over the western Atlantic. Maximum sustained winds are near 40 mph (65 km/h) with higher gusts.”

“Gradual strengthening is expected during the next few days, and Ernesto could reach hurricane strength by Thursday over the waters north of the Greater Antilles. Tropical-storm-force winds extend outward up to 70 miles (110 km) from the center. St Barthelemy recently reported a wind gust of 53 mph (85 km/h). The estimated minimum central pressure based on surface observations in the Leeward Islands is 1007 mb (29.74 inches),” says a National Hurricane Center bulletin.

Yeah, as you might have heard this was a shitshow even after the shitshow when it couldn’t even start… Our favorite lowlight is a denture-less Trump saying he’ll flee to “Venethuela” if he doesn’t win the election which, lol, that’s a lie. He’ll be headed to Russia or Hungary instead.

Now maybe this Politico report of a break-in at a local Trump campaign office in Virginia is just a one-off and simply a case of a junkie kicking in a door to find drug money or at worst some lone wolf leftist kid screwing around. But just in case there’s any more to it, we need a catchy media shorthand like “Teapot Dome” or “Iran-Contra” or our homemade “Hunterghazi” and “Clustertruck.”

Ready? Okay, here goes: “TRUMP” + “WATERGATE” = “TWATERGATE.” Awesome, right? Like we can jump right into an article with “New developments in the Twatergate Scandal as investigators probed E Michael Hunt’s CIA history blah blah blah” and “President Trump was being a total Twat-ergate truther again Thursday in an all caps Truth Social post” and so on. Think we nailed this one.

It’s always good to be ahead of the curve in this business especially in this day and age of short attention spans where readers might be too easily distracted by – oh hey did you see this tweet about Trump telling Elon that nuclear energy needs to be rebranded as “Musk energy”?

Please let Elon know we can’t join.

— Bill Ackman (@BillAckman) August 13, 2024

Or pretend you’re listening to these two dipshits, because the fucking thing is crashed, lol.

As lib influencer Brian Tyler Cohen puts it: “Trump screwed over his Truth Social investors and let the stock tank by posting on Twitter, all in anticipation of an interview that doesn’t even work.”

Tina Peters, a former Mesa County, Colorado County Clerk, was found guilty of four felonies and three misdemeanors for her role in giving an associate of ripped foam magnate Mike Lindell access to county election systems after the 2020 election, the Colorado Sun reports.  It’s the first completed prosecution of a local election official relating to the 2020 election conspiracies.

Peters arranged for Conan Hayes, a Lindell associate, to get access to Dominion Voting Systems machines and software updates, letting him make copies of hard drive data that was later posted online.  Hayes used a stolen ID from a local man, Gerald Wood, to gain access to the system; when coworkers questioned Peters about Hayes’ presence in the office, Peters vouched for “Wood” and said he was an employee who had had a background check.

“The Fake News is covering for Kamala. They won’t demand she sit for an interview or do a press conference. That’s no accident. They know she’s not smart enough to do a press conference. They will just carry her water instead. Today, Axios published a ridiculous story claiming that violent crime is falling under Kamala Harris. It’s a lie. It may be true that in *some* cities, some categories of violent crime are lower for the first 6 months of 2024 than in 2023 – but violent crime is still WAY UP compared to 2019 under President Trump. Axios can cherrypick all the crime data they like, but it won’t change what Americans know: our communities are more dangerous under Kamala Harris.”

“The story cites data from the Major Cities Chiefs Association. When you compare data from the report Axios profiled to the MCCA’s 2019 report, it paints an entirely different picture — a picture the liberal media refuses to show because they are all-in for Kamala: Cities in battleground states were safer under President Trump,” writes some comms staffer for the Trump campaign, emphasis theirs, and holy shit where to even start with this feral memo on their website.

Now has Harris been maybe a little slippery on what parts of the record she wants to label as “the Biden-Harris Administration” versus what’s just “the Biden Administration”? Sure. Biden ran as Obama’s veep selectively, Al Gore the same with Clinton, no doubt George HW Bush did to with Reagan, Walter Mondale with Carter, so on and so forth. It’s not unprecedented for her to do that nor is it unprecedented for the other team to try to tie her to weak spots in Biden’s record.

A New York court on Monday ruled brainwormed independent candidate Robert F Kennedy Jr is not a legal resident of the state and thus blocked him from the November ballot, a defeat that could see a domino effect in other states – and almost certainly in the Golden State under the 12th Amendment because his batshit running mate is a Californian too, the New York Post reports.

Yeah this just might be the end of the road for Bobby Brainworms. What would’ve been more welcome before Joe Biden dropped out is now a marginal downer because Vice President Kamala Harris has already recovered what Dem support had drifted to Kennedy and whatever’s left is probably going back to convicted felon former President Trump if not the other third partiers.

We’ll see what happens in the other states. All the movement to disqualify Bobby elsewhere is probably going to have to come from the right so maybe he’ll limp to the end in the swing states.

An aquatic plant we’re ascribing agency and thus malevolent intent to is spreading beneath the surface of Deep Creek Lake in McHenry, Maryland again, a decade after the state Department of Natural Resources had declared it eradicated from the lake, the Cumberland Times News reports.

Hydrilla, a lush monoecious plant native to Eurasia is especially sinister to freshwater boaters as its thin, lengthy stems often get tangled in outboard motors and wreck the propellers. So that’s pretty evil. Not as evil as a mosquito carrying Zika virus (that fucking germ is genocidal) but somewhere around poison ivy-level evil. It’s definitely not badass and anti-heroic like a Venus Fly Trap or the less fearsome but just as effective pitcher plant (because fuck flies, lol), but hydrilla’s got an edge.

Maybe it would help if they shortened the name to “Hydra,” after the mythological monster that grew a new head every time Odysseus or Hercules or whoever cut it off because that’s what Maryland DNR is dealing with now. Poison dart frogs are really cute even if their reputation for at least helping to facilitate murder is well-earned. In conclusion, hydrilla is bad for lakes.

Today, August 12, our founder George Soros turns 94 years old.

Born in Hungary in 1930, Soros survived under Nazi occupation and Communist repression—experiences that shaped his decision to dedicate his life’s work to helping others, especially those who face discrimination… pic.twitter.com/agPCbu2BbA

— Open Society Foundations (@OpenSociety) August 12, 2024

With Trump Force One in the shop due to almost certainly its owner being a cheap fuck who skimps on maintenance and upkeep, another notorious bird has taken its place: old pal Jeffrey Epstein’s former sex trafficking transport, the campaign confirmed to the Miami Herald on Monday.

“The campaign had no awareness that the charter plane had been owned by Epstein,” a Trump spokesworm said, adding that it was just a coincidence the current owner, California-based Threshold Aviation Group, had rented them the Gulfstream jet. “We heard about the former owner through the media,” she added. It’s unlikely Trump had ever flown with Epstein on this specific jet as records indicate that the scumbag bought it in 2018, the year prior to his arrest and then questionable suicide in a federal jail run by the Trump Administration’s Justice Department.