Fun fact: This press conference comes less than 24 hours after CNN’s Brian Stelter led Monday’s edition of his daily newsletter with, verbatim, “The Pentagon has not held a press briefing about the war in Iran in a week and a half,” under the headline “The Pentagon goes quiet,” so extra lol at hardcore mainstream media hater Petey Pee Pants evidently being shamed into this by friggin CNN.

“All of those countries that can’t get jet fuel because of the Strait of Hormuz, like the United Kingdom, which refused to get involved in the decapitation of Iran, I have a suggestion for you: Number 1, buy from the US, we have plenty, and Number 2, build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just TAKE IT. You’ll have to start learning how to fight for yourself, the USA won’t be there to help you anymore, just like you weren’t there for us. Iran has been, essentially, decimated.”

“The hard part is done. Go get your own oil!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday.

The “buy from the US, we have plenty,” was an especially nice touch given the demented old idiot’s failure to understand that would further raise prices for Americans already pissed at $4 gas.

“The Country of France wouldn’t let planes headed to Israel, loaded up with military supplies, fly over French territory. France has been VERY UNHELPFUL with respect to the “Butcher of Iran,” who has been successfully eliminated! The USA will REMEMBER!!!” Donald continued ranting.

Corrupt scumbag Attorney General Pam Bondi’s Justice Department closed more than 23,000 active investigations into terrorism, white-collar crime, drugs, and – this one’s extra on-brand because DOGE’s “waste, fraud, and abuse” bullshit was all the rage at the time – federal procurement and program fraud, ProPublica reports on convicted felon President Trump’s failures on his own terms.

More than 11,000 of these plug-pulls came in February 2025 alone, meaning Bondi and her goons had simply decided that since it was a Biden-Garland DOJ case then it must be a leftist witch hunt.

Naturally the DOJ shifted to MAGA priorities, prosecuting 32,000 new immigration cases in the first six months of the administration, triple the number under Garland.

A photo of White House Minister of Information Karoline Leavitt holding her son next to a pardonee at the annual White House Thanksgiving turkey amnesty event taken by AFP photographer Andrew Caballero-Reynolds back in November was removed from Getty Images’ database after the French wire service was “made aware” Karoline did not like the angle from which the pic was taken, the Daily Beast reports on the latest capitulation to Robespierrean vanity and censorship.

AFP brand and communications director Gregoire Lemarchand confirmed to Status.News that the image was pulled after initial publication and that the agency was “made aware” that the White House did not like the photo, but emphasized that the decision to remove the image was “an internal editorial one, based on our standard quality and selection criteria” even though, well, questioning the causality vs the correlation isn’t really a thing here given the sequence of complaint and removal.

Breaking: Comer claims US Census Bureau was incorrect in 2020, costing Republicans multiple House seats https://t.co/wI3xwHkEra

— John Solomon (@jsolomonReports) March 31, 2026

Sources tell the Wall Street Journal that convicted felon President Trump has been telling his minions he’s okay with ending the war against Iran without any effort to reopen the Strait of Hormuz – the narrow waterway through which 20 percent of the world’s oil supply moves – closed on Tehran’s terms and, according to the Journal, “leaving a complex operation to reopen it for a later date.”

The President of the United States, who projects an image of courage and resolve to his fanatic cultists, felt a lot of indecision and reluctance when informed by aides that any operation to reopen the Strait – that he also recently decided would eventually be renamed the Strait of America or the Strait of Trump as symbol of his victory – would take four to six weeks. So now he wants to just try to cripple Iran’s naval and ballistic missile capabilities while resuming diplomatic pressure and, should that fail, pressure allies in Europe and the Middle East to figure out how to reopen the Strait.

Brooking Institution Vice President and Iran expert Susan Maloney called any such capitulation before the Strait is opened “unbelievably irresponsible, adding that Trump and Israel started the war together and can’t walk away from the fallout, “Energy markets are inherently global, and there is no possibility of insulating the US from the economic damage that is already occurring and will become exponentially worse if the closure of the strait continues,” said Maloney, expressing the exact kind of smarty-pants, swampy “expertise” thinking that got Trump elected twice in the first place.

The average price of a gallon of gasoline nationally is now above $4 for the first time since 2022, the AP reports on a milestone achievement for convicted felon President Trump’s regime after the he returned to power on a promise of lowering it through his economic and energy policy genius.

🚨 FIRST LOOK: The Donald J. Trump Presidential Library is officially here.

Over the past six months, I have poured my heart and soul into this project with my incredible team at @Trump.

This landmark on the water in Miami, Florida will stand as a lasting testament to an… pic.twitter.com/azV1hx0HG2

— Eric Trump (@EricTrump) March 31, 2026

The Kuwait Petroleum Corporation on Monday said Kuw-flagged oil tanker al-Salmi was subjected to a “direct and criminal” Iranian attack while stationed in the anchorage area of Dubai’s port in the UAE, Al-Jazeera reports on the kind of stuff that Trump was supposed to stop from happening.

Evidently unafraid of provoking MAGA outrage, Subway on Monday announced in a press release that “Financial pressures are sandwiching Americans between increasingly difficult spending choices. Filling up your gas tank is hard enough, that’s why Subway is making sure fueling yourself is the easiest decision to make this month. Beginning April 1, Subway will offer all Sub Club members a FREE footlong sandwich with the purchase of another footlong sandwich through April 28.”

“The offer is available for all orders made via Subway’s app and website by using promo code FLBOGO for existing Sub Club members and all who join Sub Club while the BOGO is underway.”

Republican lawmakers are reportedly considering health care changes to help fund the war in Iran and Immigration and Customs Enforcement. https://t.co/Jk8VbwHbOm

— NEWSMAX (@NEWSMAX) March 30, 2026

Several dozen January 6 MAGA insurrectionists have filed a class-action lawsuit against the federal government, alleging that the US Capitol Police and the DC Metropolitan Police Department “indiscriminately” fired chemical munitions, pepper spray and other projectiles into a crowd gathered on the Capitol’s west side when they were trying to storm into the building and kill every single member of the legislative branch as well as lynch the then-Vice President, Scripps News reports.

It’s not clear yet how many tens of billions of dollars the government will pay out in a settlement and how quickly it will be reached if it has not been reached already. Friday might be pushing it.

Any outcome that is not a swift, massive payout to the plaintiffs will be seen as an unacceptable betrayal of those who risked their lives – and died – trying to overturn Trump’s 2020 loss.

A deer cull that had aimed to wipe out 400 of the ungulates in the towns of Southfield, Farmington, and Farmington Hills in the Detroit area was a complete fucking failure as USDA sharpshooters killed only 70 white-tails during this year’s hunt, the Detroit Observer and Eccentric reports

“Our city and our region continue to face challenges from deer–vehicle collisions, property damage, and ecological impacts,” Farmington Hills Acting City Manager Karen Mondora said. “This first‑year regional deer management effort is one part of a long‑term strategy that also includes education, enforcement, and ongoing evaluation of additional tools. Because deer move freely across municipal boundaries, a coordinated regional approach is essential,” Mondora continued, the very polished language serving only to heighten awareness of the sad, low-energy effort.

The President of the Central African Republic was sworn in for a third term on Monday after an election result disputed by the opposition, a News Website reported. The President, with the first lady at his side, the was sworn in by a judge during a grand ceremony in the Capital City.

The Central African Republic President wore a suit and a tie to the ceremony. He then addressed supporters of his Political Party with a speech promising a bright future for Central African Republicans and a strong defense against threats from the Rebel Group. Tensions with the Rebel Group may have been exacerbated by the election result disputed by losing candidate from National Opposition Party, whose base of power is in Disputed Ethnic Minority-Dominated Region, far from the Capital City. The President may need to call Army General to violently quell unrest in Disputed Ethnic Minority-Dominated Region and execute Religious Leaders and other Opposition Dissidents.

Still key to the future of the Central African Republic is to increase production of agricultural products such as food, rocks such as minerals, and manufactured goods like products. That way more people will have a greater quantity of Central African Republic currency, known as money.

Now-former top CBP official Greg Bovino refused to hand over his official Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram accounts – which combined for 850,000 followers though there was no doubt plenty of overlap – even after he officially left government service earlier this month so the Trump Regime seized control of them and shut them down last week, the Washington Examiner reports.

“Chief Patrol Agent Bovino has retired from federal service and no longer has access to official government social media accounts,” an official wrote to the Examiner, lol. It’s not clear why Bovino wanted to hang onto the accounts – one of which was Bovino’s command post, CBP El Centro, before he renamed it for himself – but it’s not hard to guess that he wanted to hang onto his following for a podcasting career or whatever now that he’s been ousted as the official scapegoat.

In a tweet, an Examiner reporter quotes a DHS official shittalking Bovino over the social media account turf war in which Corey Lewandowski had allowed Greg to do whatever he wanted with the accounts. “Corey prevented the Commissioner from taking any action against Bovino, so that just empowered Bovino and his ego even more. Ever wonder why [CBP] put boats on the river in Chicago? Bovino was willing to make agents literal sitting ducks just for the photo op,” said the source.

.@GovChristie is right about one thing, we did clean house. What he calls “obliterating” DOJ, the American people call restoring justice. His fake outrage is just a “bridge” too far. https://t.co/vhhzXkQ5Zi

— Todd Blanche (@DAGToddBlanche) March 29, 2026

The only thing being obliterated is the institutionalized weaponization of justice, ie the deep state… or did I have it wrong when I uncovered that a political party in the 21st century bought and paid for false political trash intel from a washed out foreign ‘source’, only to… https://t.co/N4k1cCchiT

— FBI Director Kash Patel (@FBIDirectorKash) March 30, 2026

The Florida GOP did what they do best on Monday and called for the chair of the Hernando County Democratic Party, Brian Stewart, to be removed from his post after what had to be a pretty minor tussle with a counter-protestor during Saturday’s No Kings demonstrations in Tampa, WTSP reports.

Stewart, 63, was booked into the Hernando County Jail at 12:46 pm Saturday for battery and released just before 3 pm, not enough time for a baloney sandwich. Hence the “had to be.”

“Violence and political intimidation have no place in our state, and Floridians deserve better than mere silence from Democrat leadership. Nikki Fried must immediately remove Brian Stewart from his position of leadership in the Florida Democrat Party!” Florida GOP Chairman Evan Power wrote in a statement nonetheless. Power never responded to Dem Florida Congressman Jared Moskowitz’s call for him to denounce the violent, antisemitic rhetoric in last year’s famous Young Republicans chat.

Late last month Breitbart and – in not her proudest moment – non-MAGA indie journo Jaqueline Sweet helped launder certain “scrutiny” of the claims that Epstein survivor “Jane Doe 4” made in a series of interviews with FBI agents in 2019 right before Dirty Jeff was found dead in his cell. JD4 had, according to the FBI’s tip sheet, “stated Epstein introduced her to Trump who subsequently forced her head down to his exposed penis which she subsequently bit,” which prompted the Trump Regime to run to Breitbart’s chief political orc Matthew Boyle with the following statement:

“These non-credible accusations against President Trump made in 2019 were in the SDNY files and listed as duplicative files, and therefore not legally required to be released by the Epstein Transparency Act as it was written by Congress,” an anonymous “administration official” told Boyle.

That later turned out to be a lie because the DOJ did in fact add the four missing interviews to the Epstein files the next week and they were not “duplicative” as that Trump minion claimed.

Air ‌Canada CEO Michael ​Rousseau will retire ​later this year the airline announced a week after the exec revealed to the nation that he doesn’t speak French by issuing an English-only message of condolence following the crash of Flight 8646 in New York that killed two pilots, the CBC reports.

One of the pilots, Captain Antoine Forest, was a Quebecois and obviously Rousseau – whose surname is French, lol – should have made some effort to express his sorrow in that language. At the same time maybe this is juuuuuuuust a little excessive and an apology tour could suffice.

You can translate this article to French yourself if that’s so goddamned important to you.