A California federal judge on Wednesday ruled Republican political consultant and Russian disinformation propagator Alex Smirnov, CBS News’s Scott MacFarlane reports.

Coming an unexpected third place showing in Michigan on Tuesday, ahead of actually still-active candidate Congressman Dean Phillips, New Age weirdo Marianne Williamson on Wednesday announced she’s back in her Dem presidential primary campaign. It’s not clear how she’s going to go about rehiring staff and all that campaigning stuff that was shut down three weeks ago, or maybe it is clear and she’ll just show up in places with a bullhorn by herself.

Ronna McDaniel Hired As DNC Chair Due To Extensive Experience Defeating Republicans https://t.co/vsRIb8rFNo pic.twitter.com/IEZNVrKmsG

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) February 27, 2024

Right wing Onion ripoff the Babylon Bee suffered a short circuit Tuesday amid an otherwise cringey stretch of tedious “Christian”-themed “satire” and barely coded misogyny, landing a solid low blow at soon-to-be former Republican National Committee chair Ronna Not-Romney McDaniel.

It’d take at least 20 minutes and several paragraphs to list everything disgraced former Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro is currently under criminal investigation for, not the least of which would be his post-2022 election coup attempt and possible involvement in the January 8th, 2023 insurrection by his fans in Brasilia. However long the list is we can now add one more to it, as the AP reports the “Trump of the Tropics” was questioned in Sao Paulo on Tuesday by federal police looking into reports that Bolsonaro “harassed” a humpback whale while riding around on a jet-ski off the coast near the city last year. The reason they know about it is because Bolsonaro himself recorded it on his phone and he or someone else posted it on social media last June. Under Brazilian law, boaters face two to five years in prison if they knowingly fail to maintain a minimum 100 meters distance from any cetaceans. Bolsonaro apparently knowingly got within 15 meters of the whale.

With over 98 percent of Tuesday’s Michigan primary results in, it appears that at 68.2 percent of the vote to Nikki Haley’s 26.5 percent, fat former President Trump has underperformed his polling in yet another contest, as the the final FiveThirtyEight average had him at 78.7 percent to Haley’s 21.8 percent, with an Emerson poll from last week finding Trump leading Haley 76 to 24 percent.

FiveThirtyEight did not compile an average on the Dem side, but the same Emerson College survey as above found President Joe Biden at 77 percent support to 7 percent for dead-end challenger Minnesota Congressman Dean Phillips, and 16 percent for “uncommitted.” Biden took 81.1 percent of the vote, “uncommitted” came in second at 13.3, and Phillips came in fourth at 2.7 percent behind New Age weirdo Marianne Williamson’s 3 percent. Williamson dropped out three weeks ago.

Additional note to everyone freaking out about the size of the “uncommitted” protest vote on the Dem side: At 13.3 percent it’s just barely higher than the 11 percent against Obama in 2012.

Why is the Senate Republican leader negotiating for the Democrat leader? If neither Chuck Schumer nor Mitch McConnell will fight for border security, something has got to give. https://t.co/FX5xXgrHK5

— Laura Ingraham (@IngrahamAngle) February 27, 2024

Stupid Fox News propaganda bot is supposed to spit out something different, not just print the same complaint that UT_SENATE_CUNT.exe is printing. Somebody get tech support on the phone now.

LB²’s family issues don’t seem to have abated in the new year.  Marjorie Taylor Greene‘s little bitch Lauren Boebert may have to spend more time in her current district, not her carpetbagging new home, since her 18-year-old son and father of LB²’s grandchild was arrested on 21 different counts, KKCO in Colorado Springs reports.

Tyler Boebert was arrested on four counts each of criminal possession of a financial device; criminal possession of ID docs; and ID theft possession with intent to use.  He also faces three counts each of first-degree criminal auto trespass with intent to commit crime; contributing to delinquency of a minor; and theft less than $300.  The nature of the charges are not available.

Lauren Boebert’s ex-husband was arrested in January after a confrontation with his wife in a Colorado diner, and of course, Lauren herself has a history.

“NATO is a bulwark against Russian aggression, and he was ready to walk out of that,” Michigan voter and new National Zero housemother Susan Titus says of Donald Trump after voting in Tuesday’s primary.  “There are other ways– he treated people of Muslim religious background.  His dirty mouth.  I think he’s pretty much an asshole, to coin a phrase, and it’s terrifying to me at 80, to think that he would be one of the last presidents…..”

“It’s kind of simple.  Think about this.  Instead of talking about Nikki Haley everyday she’s in the race, someone somewhere on some channel is distracting the message from the America’s best future, from America’s best future,” Republican lap dog Tim Scott said in a call for conservative media to drop any facade of independence and simply fall in line with the Trump campaign message, like he did.

A student who was wounded after she was made to fight with swords during a high school chemistry class in 2022, is now suing the school district after having been disfigured by a blade in the incident, KRQE in Albuquerque reports.

During the May 2nd, 2022 chemistry class at Volcano Vista High School, the teacher (who was also sued but unnamed in the report) told the class that she had a “surprise” for them before pulling two katana-style swords from behind her desk.  According to the Sacramento Bee, she then had two students duel one another, with the pair hitting the blades and swinging the weapons for a timed two-minute round, before turning the swords over to two girls, during which one of the girls was slashed on the wrist, severing tendons.  Some of the battles were recorded and posted to students’ social media accounts.

The teacher, who had been hired as a special ed teacher the year before, reportedly said she was attempting to do a lesson on metallurgy, but she was fired by the school district.

It’s fun watching Fox “News”–they earned those quotation marks 787.5 million ways–professional bro Jesse Watters slowly become unraveled over how popular Joe Biden’s “Dark Brandon” meme has become. Back in August 2023, Watters was incredulous that the Biden campaign would flip an obscene chant from a NASCAR event to the Democrat’s advantage.

How successful has it been? Watters–who some claim might be a comedian, or not–is obsessed with why people think Joe Biden owning the Dark Brandon meme is funny. It’s simple, Jesse: you thought you owned Biden with the Brandon chant, and now it’s raising him money. Keep publicizing it, please!

The polls close in the four very far western Michigan counties that observe central time in 49 minutes but fuck it, let’s call it: President Joe Biden and fat former President Trump on Tuesday won the Democratic and Republican 2024 presidential primaries in Michigan, at margins to be determined. Biden prevailed over this stupid “Uncommitted” campaign on the Dem side by we’ll find out what percent. Fuck Dean Phillips, lol. Jackass couldn’t even capitalize on all the Muslim Dems opposed to Biden. Trump meanwhile defeated Nikki “Birdbrain” Haley by something percent.

Andrew Nickels, a 37-year-old man from Carmel, Indiana, pleaded guilty for threatening to slit the throat of Republican Rochester Hills, Michigan Clerk Tina Barton, saying she was a sell-out for ensuring the correct election results were reported.  In a deal, he pleaded guilty to a making a threatening interstate communication and will face up to five years in prison.

According to the Justice Department statement, Nickels left a message on Barton’s voicemail saying,   “We’re watching your…mouth talk about how you think that there’s no irregularities…[Y]ou frauded out America of a real election.”  adding “you’re gonna pay for it,” when “ten million plus patriots will surround you when you least expect it.” He added “[W]e’ll [expletive] kill you…[Y]ou will [expletive] pay for your [expletive] lying ass remarks…We will [expletive] take you out. [Expletive] your family, [expletive] your life, and you deserve a [expletive] throat to the knife…Watch your [expletive] back…watch your [expletive] back.”

With a possible federal government shutdown looming on a Friday deadline and another a week later, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson reportedly offered the White House an extension of the current two deadlines, March 1st and March 8th, to March 8th and March 22nd, respectively, according to Jake Sherman.  The extension would maintain funding for everything at current levels, further kicking the can down the road because Johnson doesn’t want to face the wrath of Margie and Matt, either of whom could decide to call for a no-confidence vote in a pique.

A federal judge in the very conservative Northern District of Texas essentially ruled that all the votes held on the floor of the House and Senate that involved proxy votes–an administrative move put in place during the pandemic to assist with the continuing function of government–violated the Quorum Clause of the Constitution, essentially making the votes invalid.

In a case brought by the State of Texas challenging Judge James Wesley Hendrix, a Trump appointee (with a complicated past:  he was originally nominated by Obama for the same seat on the bench) ruled that because the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act was passed using proxy voting to put Congress in session, “the Attorney General, the United States Department of Justice, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, [various named bureaucrats], their divisions, bureaus, agents, officers, commissioners, employees, and anyone acting in concert or participation with them, including their successors in office, are permanently enjoined from enforcing” the law.

Hendrix pointed out that he was not ruling on the law itself, but on the manner in which the law was passed.  “But because the Court is interpreting and enforcing the Constitution—rather than second-guessing a vote count—the Court disagrees. The Court concludes that, by including members who were indisputably absent in the quorum count, the Act at issue passed in violation of the Constitution’s Quorum Clause.”

Meet failed actor and Daily Wire host Michael Knowles, making his National Zero debut thanks to his succinctly demonstrating the idiocy of the conservative push against in vitro fertilization:

“The reason surrogacy and IVF are immoral is because they, they interfere into the family.  They break up the nucleus, the very building block of political society,” Knowles pontificates in one of what is likely regular stupid takes.  “They separate the reproductive from the conjugal act.  They establish the domination of technology over the origin and destination of human life.  And they can have all sorts of unintended consequences.”

Nothing says he’s a giving lover like the term “conjugal act,” eh, ladies?  Knowles, who once said transgenderism (and presumably all trangender people) “must be eradicated” because of morals, seems to forget the Lord and Savior in his professed Catholic faith wasn’t conceived through a “conjugal act” and therefore, according to Knowles himself, is immoral.

Lawyers for disgraced former President Trump and his minions had a tough time Tuesday in their bid to disqualify Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis over her relationship with special prosecutor Nathan Wade, with fake electors asshole Mike Roman’s attorney Ashleigh Merchant kind of losing it as she struggled and failed to nail down special Wade’s former law partner/divorce attorney Terrence Bradley on any BOMBSHELLS. The fate of the case now rests in Judge Scott McAfee’s hands as he will make a determination following arguments in the case within a case Friday.

One of Trump’s co-defendant’s lawyers appeared on Zoom in his boxers like a dumbass. The rest of the hearing was pretty tedious and wasn’t even good background noise for playing Minecraft.

After meeting with President Biden and Congressional leaders at the White House on Tuesday, soon-to-be-former Speaker of the House Mike Johnson stated that he intended to push for a budget deal prior to Friday’s deadline to fend off a partial federal government, the New York Times reports, but he’s got a slew of demand from his fractious caucus to address that may not only jeopardize funding but also, if history holds, will threaten his speakership.

Given a bipartisan bill passed by the Senate, Johnson could bring the bill to the floor and get it passed with a bipartisan vote without any drama.  But given inherent Republican resistance to good order, members of the House GOP want to include everything from banning the shipment of reproduction medication mifepristone in the US mail or its sale in retail locations; blocking a ban on gun purchases from veterans who the VA medical professionals have deemed mentally incompetent; and cutting increases in family food assistance programs.

“On February 12, 2024, the Committee on the Judiciary (‘Judiciary Committee’), along with the Committee on Oversight and Accountability (‘Oversight Committee’) and the Committee on Ways and Means, wrote you requesting a narrow and specific set of material in the possession of the Department of Justice relating to Special Counsel Robert K Hur’s investigation of President Joe Biden’s ‘willful’ mishandling of classified information. On February 16, the Department responded, failing to produce any of the requested material and stating instead that it was ‘working to gather and process’ responsive documents. The Department, however, offered no timeframe by which it expected to make any productions or, indeed, any commitment that it would produce all of the material requested,” writes Jim Jordan in another one of his lame boner-stroking subpoenas.

Massive computer megacorporation Apple has pulled the plug on their decade-long efforts to develop an iCar, which would’ve been like the fucking hippest and trendiest thing ever for douchebags who wear EarPods or whatever they’re called in public, Bloomberg reports.