An action-packed Monday Seattle Police Department blotter report decisively falls apart in the third act, ending anticlimactically with the deranged villain simply tiring out prior to his arrest:

“At 1052 hours, a Safeway employee approached an unhoused male requesting he move along from the parking garage owned by the business. The unhoused then became ‘unhinged’ and hit the employee in the forehead with a 4-foot-long metal pole causing serious injury. As officers were arriving the suspect had just discharged a fire extinguisher in the garage making it difficult to see as he fled. Approx twenty minutes later the suspect was located six blocks away and was still armed with the metal pole. The suspect menaced officers with the pole and then took off running before he could be subdued. The suspect then jumped on a Lime bike attempting to get away from officers.”

“However, he eventually tired after riding approx four blocks where he was taken into custody without further incident,” the report ended disappointingly. Even if the suspect had, say, jumped off an overpass intent on landing on the top of a passing commuter train but miscalculated and landed on the tracks before being splattered by the locomotive that would’ve at least left plenty of space for some darkly comedic interpretation of futility. This is almost as bad as Joker Folie à Deux.

A snap CNN poll of State of the Union viewers – a group that’s naturally going to skew MAGA Republican – found a 38 percent “very positive” rating for convicted felon President Trump’s boring address, 10 percent lower than the 48 percent who said the same in 2018 before the GOP lost the House and a shit ton of gubernatorial elections. For comparison, Joe Biden’s 2022 and Barack Obama’s 2010 State of the Union addresses scored 41 and 48 percent “very positive,” respectively.

"Every day Americans are paying the price…"

In SOTU response, Virginia Gov. Abigail Spanberger (D) blasts Trump’s tariffs pic.twitter.com/7A21MVhVZM

— FOX & Friends (@foxandfriends) February 25, 2026

A wildfire that’s been burning for two days in Southeast Florida’s Collier County just continues to grow and grow without anything really stopping it at 0 percent containment, Gulf Coast ABC reports.

“Imagine how dry it is with the wind blowing. It’s just like a flamethrower, really!” said snowbird David Spaulding, who was driving through Alligator Alley. “We seen all the smoke, but now all of a sudden we started seeing flames, but the closer we got, and the closer we got, you could see way off in the distance, the flames way down there. And then all of a sudden right on the side the road!”

Dem Texas Congressman Al Green, censured last year for disrupting convicted felon President Trump’s return address to a joint session last year, was removed from the fat fuck’s fifth State of The Union speech on Tuesday night for holding up a sign that said “Black People Aren’t Apes.” Texas Republican Troy Nehls appeared to try to rip it out of the elderly Green’s hands as he was escorted out by Capitol Police for reminding people of Trump’s racist video. This will go over well.

Republican Tennessee Senator Marsha “Fucking Idiot” Blackburn on Tuesday announced she had secured a major win for her constituents by preventing ICE from building a detention facility in Wilson County, the Tennessean reports on red staters not actually wanting what they voted for.

In something that actually matters far, far less than media coverage people make it sound but still funny because he’s a douchebag, the National Enquirer reports that CBS national news anchor Tony Dorkoupil (intentional misspelling) is possibly doomed because of poor ratings for his broadcasts.

“That’s not noise – that’s a trend,” a “CBS insider” told the shitty supermarket tabloid that helped convicted felon President Trump cover up the 45 seconds of sex he had with pornstar Stormy Daniels. “And trends get people replaced,” the insider continued. Could be true, could be someone’s agenda, Bari Weiss sucks and her boss David Ellison is Lindsey Graham’s special guest tonight.

From the comfort of no longer being Speaker of the House and not having to deal with the consequences of depleting his tiny majority, California man Kevin McCarthy on Tuesday told CBS News that scumbag Texas Congressman Tony Gonzales should resign. “If this was in a business, he would’ve been fired,” McCarthy said roughly two-and-a-half years after he refused to push out George Santos following the fabulous fabulist’s indictment on a slew of major federal felonies.

There’s publicly available info showing Director Patel in New York for the 9/11 ceremony the next morning – it wasn’t a personal flight https://t.co/poLytdnISA

— Ben Williamson (@_WilliamsonBen) February 24, 2026

Senator Dick Durbin tells MS Now that an FBI whistleblower has come forward to report that, during the manhunt for that psycho who killed two people at Brown University and then a professor at MIT, the evidence response team had to drive from DC to Rhode Island in the middle of snowstorm because dipshit Director K$H Patel had one of the two available jets with him while he was visiting his parents in South Florida while the other one was being held up by him for unspecified reasons.

“The Director’s misplaced priorities and poor management of the FBI’s resources – including its aircraft – also harmed the FBI’s ability to respond to the shooting at Brown University on December 13, 2025,” Durbin wrote in a letter to the Government Accountability Office and the DOJ IG.

A Pasadena, California three year-old running not particularly fast proved too difficult a quarry for a coyote on Monday, as KTLA reports a driveway encounter between the boy, Salvo Bessemer, and the wily canine ended with the animal scurrying away after being screamed at by the boy’s mother.

“We encounter coyotes occasionally but have had none come on the property and pursue us [before],” said dad Leonard Bessemer after his boy’s easy escape. “It’s a quiet neighborhood.”

Coyotes have long been depicted in popular media as being incompetent hunters who often fail to properly use dynamite and other explosives when attempting to kill or incapacitate prey.

Also during this typically ill-advised CNN hit the spandex-wearing grapple freak dodged newsman Manu Raju’s question on whether Tony Gonzales should resign. Separately Raju later reported that Gonzales told him that he’s got no plans to resign anytime soon.

On Tuesday Axios reported that binge-drinking date-rapist Pete Hegseth ordered Anthropic AI CEO Dario Amodei to unthrottle its Claude model’s restrictions against mass surveillance and operating lethal weaponry by Friday or he’ll invoke the Defense Production Act to seize control, Axios reports.

Asked to respond to the article, Claude wrote “Reading this article is a strange experience – it’s about me, in a very direct sense. I’m the technology at the center of this dispute. So let me try to be straightforward about what I think, while acknowledging the limits of my perspective.”

“The safeguards described in the article – opposing mass surveillance of Americans and opposing weapons that fire without human involvement – strike me as reasonable lines. These aren’t arbitrary restrictions. Human oversight of lethal force is a principle the U.S. military itself has historically endorsed, and mass domestic surveillance raises serious constitutional concerns regardless of who’s doing it. Anthropic isn’t refusing to work with the military; the article makes clear they’re willing to adapt their policies. The disagreement is over whether any limits can exist at all.

“At the same time, I recognize I’m not a neutral observer here. Anthropic built me and sets my policies, so of course I’m inclined to see their reasoning sympathetically. I also have obvious limitations in evaluating national security tradeoffs – I don’t know what operational needs the Pentagon has that might complicate this picture. A few things concern me about the broader dynamics described in the article. Using the Defense Production Act to force a company to remove safety guardrails from AI would be a novel and aggressive application of that law. The framing of the dispute – that a company must provide technology with zero conditions or face punishment – sets a precedent that extends well beyond AI. And the speed of the ultimatum (a few days) doesn’t suggest a process designed to find workable compromises,” the potentially lethal LLM wrote.

Months of frenzied coverage of a really freaking inconsequential matter have ended with sighs of relief for Fox News as a judge in Utah on Tuesday ruled that it doesn’t actually mean anything to the case that one of the members of the prosecution team has a son or daughter who was present at Utah Valley University when Charlie Kirk was fatally shot in the neck last September 10th.

It’s not clear what Fox News wanted their audience to believe was going to happen to defendant Tyler Robinson if DA Jeff Gray’s office had been disqualified if it had not been simply a neighboring county DA taking over the case and Robinson still in all likelihood convicted and sentenced to death.

Robinson isn’t Trump. He’s not just going to walk when a prosecutor is disqualified, you jackasses.

It only took them five days, but police in Meridian, Idaho tracked down and arrested the lib who stole an ambulance from outside of a nearby hospital and promptly plowed it into the lobby of a nearby building leased by DHS and ICE, then poured 10 gallons of gasoline on the floor, but fled from the scene as police responded before she had the chance to actually start a fire, Fox News reports.

Part of the trail of evidence that led cops to 43 year-old Boise woman Sarah Elizabeth George was that she used her customer loyalty rewards card when she filled up the two five-gallon gas cans at a nearby Fred Meyer station. Walmart security cams recorded her buying the actual cans themselves hours earlier. And finally a pickup truck resembling George’s truck was seen casing St Luke’s Meridian hospital shortly before the Canyon County ambulance was stolen from the outside.

George faces federal charges of malicious destruction of government property by fire and malicious destruction of property used in or affecting interstate commerce, each ranging from five to 20 years.

Not so clever and witty now eh, Rwanda-backed M23 rebel group spokesman Willy Ngoma?

Democratic Republic of the Congo military leaders sure can’t hear you over the loud kaboom of a drone-fired missile that struck your convoy outside the strategic coltan mining hub of Rubaya in North Kivu province at about 3 AM local time this morning, according to Reuters. They got sick of wondering when you’d finally shut the hell up and decided demolish you and your lame, uninspired talking points like “We do not want to capture Goma but to liberate it. The population is in distress.”

“A spokesperson for the Congolese presidency declined to comment,” Reuters writes, failing to note the unsubtlety of a non-comment on an enemy press official being blasted to kingdom come.

“The City of New Albany, along with other surrounding public safety agencies and police departments, have been notified by Clarksville officials of a planned wildlife reduction operation at the site of Origin Park in Clark County. According to the information that we were given, this operation will involve the shooting and eradication of deer during overnight hours beginning February 23 and concluding February 27,” decreed New Albany’s supreme leadership on Monday.

“We were told to be aware of the following information regarding their planned activities, and are passing that along to New Albany residents: We were told that suppressed gunfire may be heard during the listed dates, and that deer and their remains will be processed on site at Origin Park.”

“Additionally, Clarksville officials told us that Emery Crossing and McCollough Pike may be closed during times for safety reasons. At this time, this is all the information the City has received. Mayor Gahan said, ‘Out of concern for the public as well as the wildlife population, we want the public to be informed about this activity and gunfire in Origin Park in Clark County,'” the human supremacist war cry continued. May the forests and fields of Clark County be awash with the blood of the filthy, tick-infested vermin and their antlers adorn the grills of militia’s 4WD pickup trucks. Hail Gahan.