Recently there have been several incidents in which I, editor of National Zero, in my capacity as Disqus user Spartan, have been accused of slurring Canadian citizens with derogatory terms such as “Mapleback”, “Canuckitard”, “Caribou-fisting subhumans”, among others. Several Canadian Disqus users expressed dismay at these comments and I feel obligated to issue a clarification.

So I’m here to set the record straight: I have nothing but love for a nation whose national sport is to drink a twelve pack of Molson, put on ice skates, and then knock the other team’s skaters’ teeth out while pretending that anyone actually cares about the puck. They are a great people who have gifted us in the United States with the unparalleled talents of singer Avril Lavigne, multi-platinum hard rock band Nickelback, Baywatch actress Pamela Anderson, and more than two dozen different television series called “Degrassi” – and the actor from it who’s now a really badass gangsta rapper. Personally I have visited their country three times and glimpsed it a fourth time from the American side of binational tourist trap Niagara Falls. Each time I was happy to drive 100 miles per hour on your roads, as that was the number indicated on the speed limit signs. Many local drivers were courteous enough to swerve to the side of the road I approached. That is just one of several, maybe even as many as nine, things that I truly love about Canuckistan… I mean Canadia… Canada.

Additionally, I am deeply sorry for any dismay I might have caused in my comments, particularly several instances in which I failed to go along with the fictitious notion of Canadian independence from the United Kingdom and spoke to the reality of Queen Elizabeth II’s absolute rule over her dominion, in which democracy is a lie and dissidents are regularly disappeared. Yes, Justin Trudeau is a real, democratically-elected leader, not just a figurehead lulling a populace into the belief they inhabit a free nation *wink-wink*. It was deeply offensive of me and again, I apologize sincerely to Canadian Disqus-ers.

As a representative of your southern neighbors and friends, let us bury the hatchet over these regrettable comments, and come together as one in our mutual hatred for the Australians.

Those boomerang-throwing mutants are really dumb-a-ree-do, eh? I mean, they call their Burger Kings “Hungry Jack’s”. What the fuck is with that? Morons.