Professional Congressional troll and alleged former prostitute Lauren Boebert (Q-Colo.) is having a very bad week.  First, her restaurant in Rifle, Shooters Grill was shut down Sunday after the landlord refused to renew the lease on the eatery more famous for salmonella and financial impropriety than service and food safety, according to the Colorado Sun.

Shooters was never a success.  It was tied to an outbreak of food poisoning when its pork sliders sickened diners at a catering event.  It was then revealed that Boebert would pay her employees off-the-books, using cash from the till rather than paying required state and federal taxes.  Finally, it appears the restaurant never turned a profit, losing money–as much as $200,000 in a single year–but it was buoyed by her husband’s undeclared-before-the-election $500,000 annual income as a “consultant” to Colorado’s oil and gas industry.  (Curious how she doesn’t mention that as she rants about Hunter Biden.)

But the (alleged) sex worker on sabatical has a new book out.  No, no, she hasn’t read one; that would be too much effort.  She allegedly wrote one, and it’s as close to the truth as someone who believes Donald Trump was a great president can get.  Her recounting of one of the most infamous incidents regarding her husband does more to confuse the issue than clear it up:  the story of her then-boyfriend exposing himself to a group of teenage girls at a bowling alley.

The official story of how then-24-year-old Jayson Boebert’s jolly stick came into view of two teenage girls is that then-17-year-old Lauren Roberts and Jayson were trolling two of Lauren’s acquaintances at a bowling alley.  For some reason, Jayson pulled out his talleywhacker, which prompted the girls to get the bowling alley manager, who called police.  The girls gave statements to police saying Jayson exposed his Johnson, hiding the head of Mr. Happy but exposing the shaft.  He was arrested, and the perverted Mr. Boebert pleaded guilty to public indecency and lewd exposure.

Now, in her new book reported by The Independent–do you really think I’m going to waste my time reading her revisionist history of her disastrous life?–the alleged conservative courtesan says everyone got the story wrong, that he didn’t expose Little Jay to the girls.  He was just showing them a tattoo he got… on his penis.

According to the Hapless Hooker, while her future husband was at the bowling alley having drinks with Lauren’s father, Jayson was being heckled by a female bartender about tattoos, so he helpfully unzipped his pants, kept the head in the shorts, and showed the bartender his latest:  the pièce de résistance of pecker.  The teenage girls, lapdancer Lauren claims, were bystanders who had no business viewing Jayson’s junk.  In her telling, Lauren wasn’t even there; her daddy was just out with the adult man who was schtooping his 17-year-old daughter, like one does.

The slow-witted strumpet fails to address why an adult male would think it appropriate to show anyone his tramp stamp in a public venue, acting like it was perfectly okay.  In fact, the Colorado concubine claims that Boebert’s baloney pony never even saw the light of day, with the bowling alley manager intervening before he could fish out the minnow from his pants.  “[Jayson] decided he’d heard enough [sassing from the female bartender], stood up, and acted like he was going to unzip his pants,” the book’s ghostwriter describes.  “Before he got that far, the owner of the bowling alley intervened.”

This account directly contradicts the accounts in the police reports and in the court documents that outlined the bumbling Boebert’s boner exposure:  police reports and witness statements say the dick exposed his penis to the girls, and that they told the manager, who called police.  Why police would arrest someone who didn’t “whip it out” is unexplained, as is why Jerkin’ Jayson would plead guilty to such a disgusting act in court.