We don’t use the “/sarc” or “/s” tags here in our satirical articles at National Zero, instead relying on an italicized footnote reading “National Zero will resume our regular coverage” and some contrived explanation for why we wrote what we did in pieces like “Crossing gates are for snowflakes,” “Just wait libs, CNN and MSNBC are going to end up paying way more than $787 million to Trump and Russia for their ‘collusion’ lies,” and “When does the REAL House January 6th Select Committee start investigating the House January 6th Unselect Committee?” and, what was maybe the biggest hit, “Case Closed: Libs are responsible for attack on Paul Pelosi.” It’s a fun, albeit somewhat weasely way to temporarily duck out of our commitment to real news and commentary, indulging in what’s often not particularly challenging satire since it takes only slight reframing of genuine MAGA insanity.

Came pretty close to writing another one about certain recent developments in the news, but it would’ve rehashed too much of “Face it libs, the Durham Report just got Trump reelected” from May. It’s not like we can only make that joke once, it’s just maybe we should keep it to once a year or so.

And then there’s also that they’re actually saying it these days, which kind of deflates the gag.

This is the photo that will win the 2024 Presidential election.

The American people will not stand for communism in America. pic.twitter.com/BERW2xIHLc

— Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene🇺🇸 (@RepMTG) August 25, 2023

Sometimes you really need to step back to appreciate this bullshit on its own terms. Forget the implied fairy tale that the mugshot will cause independent voters in swing states to suddenly throw their support behind Trump because he scowled at a jailhouse camera (it won’t) or that the mugshot itself would raise enough money to supercharge his campaign ($7.1 million in a day, which will be burned pretty quickly), focus on the “fired up” feeling that Trump fans are now experiencing.

You indict we unite may be the new battle cry of trump supporters

— Newt Gingrich (@newtgingrich) August 27, 2023

Like what the fuck does this actually mean? In what way is this mugshot supposed to translate to more votes in a general election for Trump? “Magical thinking” is such a lame, stupid buzzword and it probably doesn’t even apply here since they’re obvious not really thinking so much as feeling this vibe of collective fantasy untethered to the reality that there’s a finite amount of votes that can be bought with this level of “enthusiasm” from fans reacting to Trump’s “persecution.”

Of course we couldn’t have had the idea for that silly “Durham just got Trump reelected” story in May if we hadn’t seen or heard any right wingers say it before though. It’s not new.

“Tonight, the Democrats reelected Donald Trump. The last three days, all we hear, ‘Show us the warrant. Show us the warrant.’ So, they put out the warrant and the property receipt today, all the stuff they took and all the stuff they were looking for. Man, this thing backfired big time,” said douchey Fox News propagandist Jesse Watters on the August 12, 2022 edition of his show, just a few days after the infamous Mar-a-Lago raid which set in motion the long case that, now over a year later has seen the fat bastard hit with 40 felony counts (and 51 others in three other cases).

Now the 2024 election hasn’t happened yet. We cannot say if Watters’ confident boast will be borne out or if we can someday revisit it and mock him accordingly for saying the “Democrats” had just put Trump back in the White House. But that kind of talk wasn’t new in 2022 either.

For years, Democrat leaders have been attacking @realDonaldTrump.

The Russia witch hunt, the Ukraine hoax, impeachment…it has all backfired.

POTUS just hit his highest RCP approval rating ever, because Americans are not buying the smears!

— Ronna McDaniel (@RonnaMcDaniel) February 25, 2020

In fact it was quite fashionable to say it among the fanboys and fangirls back when Trump got impeached for the first time. Almost like it was a coordinated talking point or something…

…that trickled down to the absolute dregs of MAGAmerica in the comment threads on The Hill…

Keith • 4 years ago
️House Democrats just Guaranteed Trump’s Reelection
Thu, 12/19/2019 10:10 PM on ‘House votes to impeach Trump’

EastCoastJ • 4 years ago
️Who cares? It only guarantees his reelection.
Thu, 12/19/2019 10:10 PM on ‘House votes to impeach Trump’

Jeffrey Harrington • 4 years ago
️Tucker on Democrats’ Impeachment Vote: “It Is Kind of a Jonestown Dynamic Where They All Know It’s Going to End Badly”
Thu, 12/19/2019 10:09 PM on ‘House votes to impeach Trump’

Cherry Pop-Tart Flavored Bacon • 4 years ago
️Actually this is win for Trump. The polls are not in support of impeachment and likely will cost the democrats the House.
Thu, 12/19/2019 9:50 PM on ‘House votes to impeach Trump’

Epic Liberal Fail • 4 years ago
️Trump wins. Trust me, this will cost the mob
Thu, 12/19/2019 9:49 PM on ‘House votes to impeach Trump’

Silverfiddle • 4 years ago
️Democrats making history!
President Trump will be the first impeached president to be reelected.
Thu, 12/19/2019 9:48 PM on ‘House votes to impeach Trump’

Obama bin Biden • 4 years ago
️Dear Democrats, You just lost the 2020 election
Thank you
Thu, 12/19/2019 9:45 PM on ‘House votes to impeach Trump’

It might be useful to remember that few if any of these people believe Trump legitimately lost the 2020 election so the old “Pride goeth before the fall”-type moralizing is pointless even if it is satisfying. And really that’s why we’re here: Trump attempted to overturn the 2020 election in Georgia and had to surrender to get his mugshot taken. If they really think that’s going to get him reelected in 2024 when impeachment wouldn’t do it in 2020 then that’s their right as Americans.

In a country that loves revolutionaries, cowboys, gangsters, and mob bosses

Democrats just created the most popular martyr in US history

Retribution will be ours pic.twitter.com/1heCzdMiVc

— DC_Draino (@DC_Draino) August 25, 2023

*Side note: A survey last week conducted by Politico and Ipsos found that 45 percent, a plurality, of Republican voters did not want Trump to face trial on his post-2020 election charges in DC before the 2024 election. Couldn’t really fit this in above, but couldn’t leave it out either given it being a pure quantification of just how “confident” those fucking worms are that their Orange God Emperor can really politically survive the trials and tribulations coming for him.