An omniscient rodent emerged from his darkened lair on Thursday and proclaimed to worshippers that the winter season shall continue another six weeks, KDKA reports. The rodent, whose cult of faithful call “Punxsutawney Phil,” delivered a psychic message confirming more winter to an acolyte priest, who then divined the message to those assembled for the annual pagan ritual.
The divination of a similar pagan ritual centered on a rodent god in the New York City borough of Staten Island was not yet known at this time. Extra precautions are still in place after Mayor Bill “Godslayer” DeBlasio publicly murdered one of the holy psychic rodents in 2014.