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President guarantees nominee will cure autism

Alerting the nation to a massive health crisis, President Trump on Tuesday posted that “20 years ago, Autism in children was 1 in 10,000. NOW IT’S 1 in 34. WOW! Something’s really wrong. We need BOBBY!!! Thank You! DJT,” effectively guaranteeing that “BOBBY,” as in Health and Human Services Secretary nominee Robert F Kennedy Jr, would find a cure for the neurodevelopmental disorders affecting millions of Americans. Trump did not elaborate on the nature of said cure.

Nor did he address the assertion that the increase in autism diagnoses could be attributable to advances in pediatric healthcare that expanded the criteria for said diagnoses. But since Trump is a talented polymath possessing a vast array of expertise in so many different fields of knowledge it would be foolish to question his mastery of the neurological sciences or the statistics he cited.

Could probably keep going with the sarcasm, but any day now the adult autism sufferer Trump placed in charge of the entire federal funding apparatus is probably going to cut off payments to agencies and specialists that provide therapy services to children suffering from autism.

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