A Cambridge astronomer this week claimed to have detected in the atmosphere of a distant exoplanet emissions that appear to be indicative of a confectionery industry as well as the presence of pink laser light patterns possibly advertising the products to space travelers with a sweet tooth.

The planet, K2-18 b, may be entirely made of a gummy-like substa- Ah shit this can only go so far.

What the team led by astrophysicist Nikku Madhusudhan of the University of Cambridge’s Institute of Astronomy actually found from readings by the James Webb telescope, per Reuters, are signs of dimethyl sulfide, or DMS, and dimethyl disulfide, or DMDS, molecules produced only by algae here on Earth. “This is a transformational moment in the search for life beyond the solar system, where we have demonstrated that it is possible to detect biosignatures in potentially habitable planets with current facilities. We have entered the era of observational astrobiology,” said Madhusudhan.

National Zero maintains the position that, in the likely event that the question of life beyond Earth is settled soon, it should surprise exactly no one whatsoever and – not to downplay Madhusudhan and crew’s impressive work being able to detect these chemicals on a planet that’s fucking 124 light years away and go a long way to putting this to bed in the process – people should instead save their energy for what happens if and when intelligent alien life enters the chat.