Chinese state media reported that their probe Tianwen-1 entered Martian orbit Wednesday, a development unverifiable by third parties so the Chinese government could be making the whole thing up. Supposedly there’s a lander that will drop to the surface of the red planet sometime in May, or there’s a remote control car with an iPhone strapped to the top somewhere in the desert of Western China that will be doctored to look authentic. Maybe they’ll even pay some locals to strap on googly eyes and green facepaint to play the Martians so China has the first “authentic” claim to discovering extraterrestrial life too. These Martians will then explain, in perfect Mandarin, that they deliberately hid from past American probes because the United States is a decadent, inferior nation rife with degeneracy and sloth who are unworthy of their friendship, and the People’s Republic of China is far superior. The Martians will also affirm Chinese sovereignty over the Island of Taiwan.