In honor of Facebook’s reputation for being a place that people can “do their own research”, I’ve decided that I would act in the public interest, and present my evidence as to why Facebook, Instagram and Whatsapp were down for hours earlier today. Naturally, readers may want to do additional research and decide for themselves what the truth really is, and it should be clear that I’m not really saying these things, this is just what I hear from all over social media sites, and if that’s what everyone’s saying then there’s got to be some truth to it right?
The Russians: Vladimir Putin probably lashed out at Facebook for their failure to crack down hard enough on the Taliban. The real reason that Donald Trump demanded the release of 5000 Taliban fighters and then negotiated a peace deal with their leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar was because Vladimir Putin wanted the US out of the country so he could negotiate to secure exclusive mining rights for Afghan heavy metals for several mining companies owned by groups of oligarch investors with close ties to the Kremlin. Before the Russians could get their claws on Afghan rare earths though the Taliban announced that they would be seeking economic partnership deals with China, which seriously angered Putin and his associates, so the Russians decided to lash out at Facebook and the Republican Party for failing to work harder to keep the Chinese out of Afghanistan.
China: Xi Xinping got tired of that little Napoleonic bastard Vladimir Putin using Facebook to fuck with every other countries politics, and became outraged when he found out that Facebook was being used to spread political disinformation and anti-government sentiment in China, so a cyber-operations unit in the Chinese military decided to send a message to Facebook.
Internal Saboteur: A high level Facebook Network Engineer grew tired of seeing the company exploiting right-wing extremism, magical thinking and other conflicts for profit, and after seeing the interview with Facebook Whistleblower Frances Haugen on 60 Minutes, and seeing several internal company e-mails from angry employees describing how they would try to lash out and discredit Haugen decided he was so angry that he just said “fuck it, I’m burning this shit down”, and then deleted key routing files on the Facebook server network.
A high level private hack: This is by far the least likely, but it is theoretically possible. A team of highly skilled hackers who had lost friends and family to belief in the outrageous “Q” conspiracy theory decided it was time for Facebook to go away. They modified a number of common ransomware programs to convert them to “deleteware”. While ransomware encrypts your files and does not de-encrypt them until you pay the ransom and are given the delete-ware key, deleteware just automatically goes to deleting everything it can. There’s also another version of this software called “resetware” that, when installed on a Domain Server will cause all Windows machines on your network to reinstall your Windows operating system and delete all personal files.
That’s a quick rundown, and it may not even be any one of these things, or could be some other country besides Russia and China, but the important thing is this piece meets Facebook’s high standards for editorial integrity.