In an article titled “Ashley Madison reveals top 20 American cities for scandalous, adulterous behavior this winter,” the dating site for fucking-around-the-side’s Chief Strategy Officer Paul Keable assures Fox News that their readers need not travel to warmer climes to fuck around this winter as many of the best metros for extramarital sex-seeking users lie well within the snow belt.
“It’s a really interesting time of the year as we walk into winter and what a lot of online daters like to refer to as ‘cuffing season,’ where you try to lock down a partner for the colder months. We at Ashley Madison wanted to take a look at our data to see where affairs are more likely to potentially happen this coming winter,” said Keable and this article is seriously a fucking infomercial for goddamned Ashley Madison, lol. “What’s fascinating, the top hot spots for the cold nights are certainly in a lot of the warm weather spots with four of the top five places landing in Florida, including Miami, Orlando and Tampa, with Las Vegas dropping in at number three But when you drill down a little bit beyond the top five, you start to see that a lot of winter hot spots and possibly some après-ski areas are going to be the highlight of activity for a lot of online married daters this winter.”
Noting the Skyline Chili City’s placement in the fifth spot, Keable describes Cincinnati as “a perfect encapsulation of why our business exists. It’s not a hotbed of traditional dating activity in the winter, people would assume because it’s colder weather, you’re going to get a lot of snow. But what it shows you is that typical middle America, average blue-collar people are looking for things outside of the traditional norms of monogamy,” and holy shit dude just admit this article is payola.
What the hell else are we supposed to take away from the specific mention of “typical middle America, average blue-collar people”? Might as well be saying “We’re aggressively working to expand our paid user base and Fox News’s web audience is just one of the prime demos we’re aiming for here. We just gotta hold their hands a little bit, slyly explain to them that infidelity isn’t only for their president or other wealthy reality TV personalities, it’s for every man willing to shell out a minimum of $28/month to start sending messages to the available older single women whose sexy profile pics on our site may-or-may-not be generated by an artificial intelligence engine.”