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Avast ye for this tale of treachery, for there be some parrot piracy more woeful than Jimmy Buffet’s unsufferable discography, me mateys! Yarrr! NBC 6 South Florida be reportin that 40 year old Justin David “Redbeard” Peters be findin himself shackled in the scuppers for plunderin a parrot valued at 1,800 doubloons from his female roommate, possibly to be perched on his shoulder while he be pirate cosplayin around the grog and whore filled taverns of Summerland Key. The scurvy dog left the parrot sittin at a bus stop with injuries to its hip and wing. Monroe County sheriffs responded and promptly apprehended Redbeard, sending him to experience some Davy Jones Locker room shenanigans with some arselubbers in the showers at the lockup! Yarrrrr!

The chairwoman of the Arizona Republican Party and a Republican state senator advised the Trump campaign that submitting a slate of fake Electoral College electors to Congress would be viewed as treason by many, but the Republicans continued on with their plan anyway, the New York Times reports.  Trump and Arizona Republicans proceeded with the plan anyway.

Kelli Ward, the state GOP chair, and Kelly Townsend, a state senator, both told Trump lawyers that they were hesitant to sign on to the plan in December 2020, when Trump agents in various states were attempting to undermine the integrity of the Electoral College certification by providing the National Archives with fake or forged documents allocating their respective state electors to Donald Trump rather than Democrat Joe Biden, who actually won the states.  Ward and her husband would eventually be listed on the slate of fraudulent electors for Arizona; Townsend would not.

“Ward and Townsend are concerned it could appear treasonous for the AZ electors to vote on Monday if there is no pending court proceeding that might, eventually, lead to the electors being ratified as the legitimate ones,” Trump campaign lawyer Kenneth Chesebro wrote in an email to leaky effort head Rudy Giuliani, putting the word “treasonous” in bold for emphasis. 

The Red Tsunami is coming to wash the libtards away as the Democrats lead 45% to 39% on the generic ballot question of the latest Yahoo News/YouGov survey. The soy-loving leftist socialists are 100% guaranteed to be screaming in agony after they lose in a 400 seat landslide.

https://youtu.be/oidaP0MM6dE

Claiming that a new state law that went into effect after the unethically-stacked Supreme Court revoked the right to an abortion, a group of Florida clergy are suing Republican Governor Ron DeSantis claiming that the trigger law violates their denominations’ religious freedoms, the Washington Post reports.

While many evangelical christians do not acknowledge other religions because they believe in the primacy of theirs, the US Constitution actually does protect the individual’s right to practice those religions, and in those religions, it is acceptable to seek an abortion because they believe life starts at birth, not while in the womb.

Seven different clergy members–two Christians, three Jews, one Unitarian Universalist and a Buddhist–filed separate lawsuits to overturn the Florida law, which bars abortion after 15 weeks unless the life of the mother is at risk or if the fetus has a fatal abnormality.

The Trump Administration Defense Department deleted the text messages of key officials such as former acting Secretary of Defense Chris Miller, former chief of staff Kash Patel, and former Secretary of the Army Ryan McCarthy during the final days of their regime, CNN reports on a new court filing in a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit from watchdog group American Oversight.

Pretty wacky, huh? You’d think these guys would’ve wanted to save their conversations talking about how Nancy Pelosi and DC Mayor Muriel Bowser overruled Trump’s order to have tens of thousands of National Guard troops on hand while Congress certified the results of the 2020 election. Now all they have is their word that Donald gave the order only to be vetoed by the two Dems who wanted the Capitol riot to happen to make Trump and his fans look bad in the media.

The Pennsylvania state Supreme Court on Tuesday ruled 5-2 to toss the challenge to the state’s expanded mail-in voting, causing fanboys to erupt in tearful screams of agony, the AP reports. Five Trump fans and zero Biden supporters were caught either attempting to either fraudulently vote by mail or request ballots for a deceased person in the state in 2020, far from enough to have had any impact on the outcome. “We find no restriction in our Constitution on the General Assembly’s ability to create universal mail-in voting,” Justice Christine Donohue wrote in the majority opinion upholding the 2019 law expanding no-excuse absentee balloting as valid under the state constitution. Current GOP governor nominee, hardcore QAnon fan, and state Senator Doug Mastriano has vowed to repeal the law if elected even though he, along with the vast majority of the state’s other Republican lawmakers, voted in favor of it three years ago.

A Colorado dentist who shot his wife with a shotgun as the sun was rising on the African savannah was found guilty of her murder by a Denver jury, finding his claim that she accidentally shot herself while she was loading the weapon, USA Today reports.

Sixty-seven year old Larry Rudolph shot Bianca, his wife of 34 years, as the two took one of their frequent trips to Africa.  Rudolph claimed he heard the shotgun discharge while he was in the camp’s toilet and Biance was packing for their return trip from Zambia.

Prosecutors alleged that Rudolph actually murdered his wife because he wanted to be with his long-time mistress, Lori Milliron, the manager of his Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania dental franchise; Rudolph claimed that he and Bianca were tolerant of each other’s extramarital affairs, although investigators found no conclusive evidence that Bianca had been involved in an affair.  Oh, and then there was the issue of the $4.8 million insurance policy Rudolph collected.

I coined the phrase 'Trump Train.' I've been with him through thick and thin but I was taken aback when he came out with a full throated endorsement of me in #MOSen race! He said to pick BETWEEN the two ERIC's – that's ME! E.S. line 2 E.G. line 4 I'm BETWEEN the two on line 3! 🇺🇸

— Billy Long (@auctnr1) August 2, 2022

And no, Trump did not literally say “pick between the two Erics” in his statement on Monday. If this is just a self-aware joke then it fell pretty flat but at least he tried to laugh it off. If not then it’s a strong contender for most pathetic Republican reaction to losing out on Trump’s endorsement in a primary along with Arizona Senate candidate Jim Lamon, Wisconsin gov candidate Tim Ramthun, and Congressman Mo Brooks. Congresswoman Nancy Mace would be a strong contender, but at least she survived a MAGA primary against her. And we’ll give it to George P Bush: He was far less pathetic after losing out on the Donald’s golden blessing than he was in trying to get it beforehand.

The Department of Justice on Tuesday filed a lawsuit against the potato and anti-government militia-loving state of Idaho, arguing its near total abortion ban is a violation of federal law, NBC News reports. “The Justice Department is going to use every tool we have to ensure reproductive freedom,” said Attorney General Merrick Garland at a press conference announcing the action.

Just hours after he again tossed Trump’s bullshit “absolute immunity” motion to dismiss lawsuits from three Capitol cops over the January 6th insurrection, DC Circuit Court Judge Amit Mehta bitchslapped MAGA nation again and told the Oath Keepers they’re going on trial for seditious conspiracy next month and tough shit if they don’t like it, the Guardian’s Hugo Lowell reports.

Lawyers for the MAGA militia had tried to argue that the House January 6th Select Committee hearings were bad news for their defense, as if Congressional hearings contained anything worse for them than had already been laid out in the indictments and court documents from federal prosecutors, or that it had anything to do with the fact that three of the dozen or so leaders hit with the seditious conspiracy charge have already flipped. Mehta also said his court’s schedule is tight, saying “I can’t move this trial and I’m not going to move this trial… It would quite literally wreak havoc for this court’s docket… The court’s docket cannot be dictated by how Congress has acted and what they’re doing.” Would’ve been cool if he then flung his gavel at Stewart Rhodes’ good eye.

Can this day get any better? First an evil terrorist gets violently killed, then Nancy Pelosi punks the ChiComs, now CNBC reports that, after a short limited time offer that brought record sales and shortages in availability this spring, Taco Bell is bringing the Mexican Pizza back to its menu permanently beginning September! God truly smiles upon the American people!

Open mouth, insert pills, then foot.  In a since deleted tweet, pharmaceutical dispensing machine and Republican Texas Congressman Ronny Jackson, frequently accused of being drunk on duty and sexually harassing female subordinates, claims Afghanistan is now a “safe haven” for al Qaeda…. just days after a US drone strike eliminated the group’s leader in the country.

Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi released a statement about her trip to Taiwan, making her the first senior American official to visit the country in years and the first Speaker of the House to make the trip in a quarter century.

Our Congressional delegation’s visit to Taiwan honors America’s unwavering commitment to supporting Taiwan’s vibrant Democracy.

Our visit is part of our broader trip to the Indo-Pacific — including Singapore, Malaysia, South Korea and Japan — focused on mutual security, economic partnership and democratic governance. Our discussions with Taiwan leadership will focus on reaffirming our support for our partner and on promoting our shared interests, including advancing a free and open Indo-Pacific region. America’s solidarity with the 23 million people of Taiwan is more important today than ever, as the world faces a choice between autocracy and democracy.

Our visit is one of several Congressional delegations to Taiwan – and it in no way contradicts longstanding United States policy, guided by the Taiwan Relations Act of 1979, U.S.-China Joint Communiques and the Six Assurances. The United States continues to oppose unilateral efforts to change the status quo.

Fighter jets piloted by military aviators fanatically loyal to ChiCom warlord Xi Jingping failed on Tuesday to intercept a plane carrying an evil capitalist sorceress as it incurred upon airspace claimed as sovereign territory of their communist utopia, ABC News reports. It’s not clear if it was an equipment malfunction or cowardice on the part of the pilots, or how soon they will be summarily executed for their failure to destroy the feared foreign valkyrie.

The death of Al-Qaeda leader Ayman Al-Zawahari in a CIA drone strike on his home in Kabul, Afghanistan is a major victory in the global war on terrorism, proving once again that those bastards cannot hide forever. However some questions remain, and the most important among them is what Zawahiri had on Hillary Clinton? Now of course the Democrats will act like it was Joe Biden who ordered the strike and celebrate the political benefits, but everyone who does their own research knows he had nothing to do with it. Hillary still runs the Deep State and her fingerprints are all over this hit. She may have even pressed the button herself while sitting in her secret high tech bunker under Chappaqua, New York at her specially built Alienware gaming PC hooked up to the CIA’s drone platform. “Pew! Pew! Game over motherfucker!” she likely said with a shrill cackle while emptying out a bottle of Chardonnay into her novelty oversize plastic wine glass.

But why? What kind of dirt would Al-Zawahiri have had on Hillary Clinton? Was he somehow involved in the Whitewater and Benghazi scandals? Did he sell out his boss Osama bin Laden to her back in 2011 in exchange for access to the Clinton Global Initiative and Bill Gates’s secret 5G mind control technology? What was Dominion Voting Systems’ involvement in the attack? Did Al-Zawahiri know too much about the Hammer and Scorecard protocol? Was he about to testify to John Durham and blow the whole lid open on how Hillary spied on President Trump?

We have Hillary’s means and method right in front of us, those are beyond any serious dispute even if some of the finer details are still unknown. The sentence “Hillary Clinton ordered the drone strike that killed Ayman Al-Zawahiri because ________” still needs its blank filled in.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’re done throwing some Hillary conspiracy meat to our right wing readers. We hope they enjoyed this in-depth “Arkancide” article.

BREAKING: A leftwing carpetbagger from Hollywood endorses a leftwing carpetbagger from Virginia. https://t.co/rYE1A3GRXk

— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) August 2, 2022

In an earlier version of this tweet (which of course the asshole deleted right before we first published this), Don Jr wrote “A leftwing carpetbagger from Hollywood, endorses a leftwing carpetbagger from Virginia” which shows he’s learning, albeit slowly, from his long history of moronic spelling and punctuation errors that have caused some issues for him in the past.

An email uncovered by Congressional investigators revealed the Homeland Security’s Deputy Inspector General, Thomas Kait, told another official to disregard earlier requests for the Secret Service’s text message logs from the before and during the Capitol riot, NBC News reports.

“Please use this email as a reference to our conversation where I said we no longer request phone records and text messages from the [Secret Service] relating to the events of January 6th,” Kait wrote to DHS senior official Jim Crumpacker on July 27, 2021. What all this means is unclear, however it’s definitely nothing good for these assholes leaving a digital paper trail of their actions regarding some pretty crucial communications. It’s probably well past time for Merrick Garland to name a special prosecutor to start cracking skulls. If John Durham could prosecute that one FBI guy, Kevin Clinesmith, who fucked up and falsified some paperwork, then there’s no reason why a similar investigation shouldn’t be launched into the Homeland Security Department.

Oye the bloody bogan who flew in to Darwin from Bali wit two Maccas Egg McMuffins in his port got socked wit a fuckin 2,664 dollary-doo fine for violatin Aussie customs rules on foreign food products, makin it a very pricey brekkie for the derro cunt, SBS News reports .

The Darwin Airport customs jacks brought in their heeler, a right police pup named Zinta, to sniff out the baggage from the Bali passengers for foreign meat products, as is normal procedure to prevent foot and mouth disease from spreading to livestock, when the girlie found em. For that the bloke was fined right up the freckle for failing to declare the Indo Maccas brekkie.

The daughters of Guy Reffitt, the Texas MAGA militiaman sentenced Monday to 87 months in federal prison for attacking the US Capitol on January 6th, were interviewed briefly outside the courthouse following the hearing, obviously distraught over their dad going away for an extended vacation, when the apparent younger of the two blurted out that the Orange Terrorist deserves life in prison for inciting their impressionable father into joining the insurrection.