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Trump says he wants to let states “monitor women's pregnancies so they can know if they've gotten an abortion” pic.twitter.com/q8ICiZ5eRc

— Biden-Harris HQ (@BidenHQ) April 30, 2024

Good on them for taking their opponent’s own words and then using them against him, even when the transcript is so fucking long and insane and a depressing slog to try to read through.

The headline of this “article” is the entirety of the most recent Truth Social post by the 45th President of the United States, apparently inventing a new legal concept. Well guess we better fire up the live feed to cover the testimony soon and then kind of tail off when it gets boring.

Time Magazine on Tuesday published a full transcript of not one but two interviews with fat former President Trump (which says “83 MINUTE READ” at the top) focused on his plans for a restored regime and goddamn it is so chock-full of just utterly incomprehensible rambling bullshit.

We’re not going to get even close to summarizing the whole thing. Here’s an example of how bad this fucking interview is with his answer when the reporter points out his stupid plan to levy a 10 percent tariff on all imports would increase inflation: “No, I’ve seen. I’ve seen – I don’t believe it’ll be inflation. I think it’ll be lack of loss for our country. Because what will happen and what other countries do very successfully, China being a leader of it. India is very difficult to deal with. India – I get along great with Modi, but they’re very difficult to deal with on trade. France is frankly very difficult on trade. Brazil is very difficult on trade. What they do is they charge you so much to go in.”

That’s like half of a single paragraph. He just keeps going and going and going with this nonsense and it’s impressive that Time’s staff could sit through it twice AND THEN do a write-up.

I was on the phone with President Trump when I learned the Washington ComPost was inventing another fake news story. We had a good laugh at our sudden “rift.” My friendship with the Greatest President in American History has never been stronger!

The same people who called…

— Kari Lake (@KariLake) April 29, 2024

Continued after the cutoff: “The same people who called terrorists austere scholars and invented a Russian collusion hoax are, once again, fabricating a bogus story. Note to MAGA: this isn’t going to stop. The Fake News is going to work OVERTIME to try and divide us. Between now and November 5th, they will slander and attack anyone that is willing to sacrifice for our Nation. BUCKLE UP! Remember: whoever they are attacking, is who you should be supporting. We will not let them divide this Movement & stop us from Making America Great Again.” Take that Washington ComPost!

They’re probably going to stand by their reporting about Trump getting sick of Kari Lake’s bullshit.

Just two weeks into the Manhattan criminal trial that will probably last at least another month or so, disgraced former President Trump is privately starting to lose patience with his lead defense attorney, Todd Blanche, for what the New York Times reports, citing multiple sources, are all the reasons you’d expect: that Blanche “has not been following his instructions closely, and has been insufficiently aggressive. Mr Trump wants him to attack witnesses, attack what the former president sees as a hostile jury pool, and attack the judge, Juan M Merchan.” As in all the shit that a mental child incapable of understanding that someone with a law license and a professional reputation prefers to avoid, even while Blanche has managed to antagonize Merchan repeatedly.

Blanche’s allies tell the Times that – surprise! – the attorney “has an unsolvable client management problem,” as if they somehow expected this time to be different and the fat fuck was going to act responsibly while facing a jury deciding 34 felony counts. Blanche should at least feel fairly confident that he probably won’t end up an accused or convicted felon himself like Sidney “Kraken” Powell, Rudy Giuliani, Jenna Ellis, Christina Bobb, Jeffrey Clark, Michael Cohen, Boris Epshteyn, Stefanie Lambert, John Eastman, Kenny Chesebro, and there are probably at least a half dozen others we didn’t mention here. Plus all the lawyers who came under state and federal criminal investigation, had to testify to grand juries, got sued, hit with bar complaints, so on and so forth. If all Blanche has to worry about is being fired in the middle of a trial then we’d call that a win for him.

The House Freedom Caucasians, a group never all that afraid of making themselves look like incompetent, ineffective assclowns, have decided to switch things up when it comes to Speaker Mike Johnson and aren’t moving forward on vacating him for now at least, Punchbowl News reports.

“I’m not convinced that if we go into a motion to vacate, we come out with a more conservative solution, so I think every person has to evaluate it,” said member Josh Breeshen on Oklahoma, weirdly admitting that they’re actually taking the pointless destructiveness of such an exercise into consideration rather than just jerking themselves off for the MAGA base and leaving everyone else to deal with the mess as usual. “It depends. We’re going to see what’s brewing for the rest of the summer into the fall,” said insurrectionist Scott Perry. “I think it’d be the fair thing to do, but if it looks like it’s headed completely off the rails, it’s going to make people angry.” In the near term the group plans to just continue to be a pain in the ass and try to slow down any actual legislating.

“A 40-year-old male, Clarence Yoder, of Idaho Falls, Idaho, approached a bison too closely (within 25 yards) on the afternoon of April 21, 2024, and was injured by the bison. The incident occurred on the West Entrance Road near the Seven Mile Bridge, located 7 miles east of the park’s West Entrance. Rangers responded to the area after receiving a report of an individual who harassed a herd of bison and kicked a bison in the leg. They located the suspect’s vehicle near the West Entrance and stopped it in the town of West Yellowstone, Montana. Yoder was arrested and charged with 1) being under the influence of alcohol to a degree that may endanger oneself, 2) disorderly conduct as to create or maintain a hazardous condition, 3) approaching wildlife, and 4) disturbing wildlife.”

“The driver of the vehicle Yoder traveled in, 37-year-old McKenna Bass, of Idaho Falls, Idaho, was also arrested and cited for 1) driving under the influence, 2) interference for failure to yield to emergency light activation, and 3) disturbing wildlife. Yoder sustained minor injuries from the encounter with the bison. Rangers transported Yoder to a nearby medical facility where he was medically evaluated, treated and released from medical care. He then was transported to the Gallatin County Detention Center. Yoder and Bass appeared in court on April 22 and pleaded not guilty to the charges,” says a Monday statement from the National Park Service.

We would like to know more about the nature of Yoder’s injuries. You have to assume that the whole universe of outcomes in bison encounters requiring hospitalization that the ones in which the human was also released the same day are vanishingly few and that it’s essentially a binary: Either you stay away from them or you’re laid up for quite a while, likely with permanent damage. So did the bison simply kick the drunk asshole back and leave him down or was it a headbutt where the horns missed his intestines? Or did he escape and then run into a tree? The American taxpayer deserves more information and comedy material from our National Parks’ public communications offices.

There are masochists, and then there are RFK Jr. fans.  According to Politico, the fans of the delusional product of generations of nepotism are holding on to the old adage that any publicity is good publicity, and this time, the publicity Kennedy is getting is abuse from Donald Trump.

The raging Republican has been targeting Kennedy because pollsters have found Kennedy is more damaging to Trump’s number than Biden’s, so Trump’s stubby thumbs have been posting away and Trump’s sycophants at Fox have been denigrating Kennedy where it was once boosting him.

“If Republicans and Democrats see him as a threat, that’s a good thing, because not a lot of people realize he’s running,” one supporter in Massachusetts said.  Kennedy could become the third party candidate with the most support since Ross Perot’s 18.9% support in the 1992 presidential election.

The Florida Coast League of conservative news networks, OAN retracted a story it ran on its network/streaming service and on its website claiming one-time insider Michael Cohen had a sexual relationship with Stormy Daniels and it was he who was somehow blackmailing Donald Trump, which is why Trump paid Cohen hundred of thousands of dollars.

The story,  “Whistleblower: Avenatti Alleged Cohen­ Daniels Affair Since 2006, Pre-2016 Trump Extortion Plan,” was posted on March 27th even though Avenatti asserted he never made the claim, and both Cohen and Daniels denied an affair, according to the Daily Beast.  No other terms of the settlement besides the apology and retraction were announced.

“The article, quoting a source, falsely claimed that Mr. Cohen and Ms. Daniels ‘were having an affair since 2006’ and that, according to a source, ‘the whole hush money scheme was cooked up by [Mr. Cohen] to extort the Trump Organization before the 2016 election.’ These statements were false. OAN regrets their publication.” the network said on its website.

A 32-year-old man who said he joined the National Security Agency to steal documents, was sentenced to nearly 22 years in prison after he passed the information he had taken to an undercover FBI agent posing as a Russian spy, NBC News reports.

Jareh Sebastian Dalke had been an NSA employee for about a month when he contacted the undercover FBI agent with promises of secret documents.  Although he told the judge in his sentencing hearing he did not steal the information out of greed or ideology, Dalke did collect more than $85,000 in the sting.

“This is not edited,” Newsmax streamer Eric Bolling says sincerely into the camera as he shows B-roll of President Joe Biden at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday night.  “This is Joe trying to eat a bite of salad.  This man has the nuclear codes.  That’s the preh– THAT’S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.  The man who’s gonna push back on Russia, China, North Korea–are you kidding me?”

Watch the clip.  Biden pushes some greens onto his fork with a piece of bread, raises the fork to his mouth and… eats the salad.  That’s what one is supposed to do.  Biden didn’t miss his mouth.  He didn’t flip the salad behind him.  Hell, none of the salad even fell off his fork.  So yeah, that is the President of the United States, and this POTUS eats salad.

A 46-year-old migrant from Laos living in Oregon who has been battling cancer for nearly a decade won the $1.3 billion jackpot last month the state lottery confirmed after verifying his ticket, CBS News reports.

“I am grateful for the lottery and how I have been blessed,” Cheng Saephan told reporters at a Monday news conference where officials introduced him; Oregon Lottery regulation requires winners of major jackpots be named publicly and cannot be anonymous. “I am able to provide for my family and my health. … My life has been changed. Now I can bless my family and hire a good doctor for myself.”

Saephan said he is also sharing the jackpot with his wife and a 55-year-old friend Laiza Chao who added $100 to the pool for tickets to the lottery.  After realizing he held the winning ticket, which the group will take as a single $422 million lump sum payment after taxes, Saephan said he called Chao: “I said, ‘Laiza, where are you?’ and she said, ‘I’m going to work,'” said Saephan. “I replied, ‘You don’t have to go anymore.'”

Third-tier conservative propaganda network Newsmax wants John Catsimatidis, the CEO of two New York grocery store chains who also co-owns The Hill and WABC Radio, about why Dominion Voting Systems is not suing him because his media outlets regularly repeated the lies told about the voting technology company, the Daily Beast reports.

Newsmax wants Catsimatidis and his two media companies, Red Apple Media and WABC Radio, to turn over any information it has regarding potential litigation from Dominion. Catsimatidis himself hosts a show on WABC where election conspiracies have been discussed, but Dominion has not filed suit or made demands against Catsimatidis or his companies.

“Dominion has sued neither Mr. Catsimatidis nor any of his media companies notwithstanding that they broadcast essentially the same news stories, statements and content at issue in Dominion’s lawsuits against Newsmax, One America News Network, and Fox News,” the petition seeking the information state, adding  “Notably, Mr. Catsimatidis and his media company, WABC radio, broadcast essentially the same news stories at issue in the Newsmax and Fox News litigations. For example, WABC broadcast numerous statements by Rudy Giuliani concerning Dominion and allegations of voter fraud.”

The drag queen personae former Republican New York Congressman George Anthony DeVolder Santos exhibited at Carnival in Rio will be making a cameo on Cameo this spring, as Kitara Rivache will have her own channel, NBC News reports.

Santos claims 20% of the funds raised through the limited-time channel will go to two charities, Tunnels to Towers which benefits first responders, and The Fellowship which works against anti-semitism.  But there’s a dog’s charity fund would like a word if you believe that.

“That case [the Manhattan election fraud prosecution] should be thrown out,” a shockingly not homeless alleged multi-state criminal co-conspirator Rudy Giuliani sprays.  “The Supreme Court could intervene sua sponte and throw the case out, and throw the judge out, and put the little [indecipherable] right in jail.  They’re more dangerous to this country–Demonico (?), Garland, with his son-in-law and this guy Colangelo, and Bragg–basically they are involved in a massive obstruction of justice in prosecuting an innocent man, interfering in an election, and in many ways a form of being treasonous against the United States. They are worse than the Mafia.”  He added later, “You know why we’re tougher than them, Steve?  We’re not ruthless; we’re honest.  They don’t understand honesty.”

In Rudy’s addled mind, the people following the law by filing charges after a grand jury indictment and trying a case in front of a jury of the defendant’s peers are the ones who should be tried for treason, not the guy who calls for extrajudicial imprisonment of court and prosecutorial staff.

Multiple officers were wounded and a standoff remains ongoing after a suspect opened fire as a U.S. Marshals Fugitive Task Force team, comprised of members from multiple federal, state and local agencies, closed in on his location, the Charlotte Observer reports.

It’s unclear who the suspect is or what he’s wanted for.  Officials say the shooter continues to be holed up at a house and the situation is contained to a local area in East Charlotte as of 4:00 p.m. ET.

UPDATE 6:25 p.m. ET:  NBC News now reports three US Marshals were killed and four officers with the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department were shot, one of whom was in critical condition.  The suspect is dead.

A Michigan teen is in big trouble after leaving grisly, lifeless remains of the victim of a hit and run accident stuck on the front of his truck as he continued driving shitfaced and oblivious to the limbs flapping on his windshield before passing out at a gas station, the Lansing State Journal reports.

A passerby noticed the flailing of the unfortunate soul’s mortal coil and called police, who stopped the unidentified 18 year-old male Springport resident in his Ford truck. The victim, which appears to be a six or seven-year old maple or maybe an oak tree, was pronounced dead at the scene. The driver was hospitalized with minor injuries and is expected to face charges including DWI and aggravated vehicular treeslaughter… if that’s actually a statue in Michigan. We’ll look into that.

Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, hailed globally by right wingers as a paragon of conservative governance, is looking to raise taxes on citizens this summer to plug holes in the Kremlin’s finances wrought by the war in Ukraine and other self-created economic shitshows, Semafor reports.

Would be foolish to expect fanboys in the US and other western countries to suddenly start questioning the Putin Regime’s awesomeness now that he’s acting like a socialist. If they acknowledge it at all it’ll be “Well look what Biden and Soros made him do with their sanctions,” etc.

I’m thrilled to announce that my new children’s book “The Princess & her Pup” is now available for pre-order at https://t.co/YnRynaoRJ7

I partnered with @BraveBooksUS on this heartfelt story that teaches children that it’s easier to be courageous with a friend by your side.

And… pic.twitter.com/mFFOPryUn4

— Kimberly Guilfoyle (@kimguilfoyle) April 29, 2024

Days after we learned one of her father-in-law’s leading potential vice presidential options murdered a dog (and a goat) in a gravel pit because she was angry at it, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Don Jr.’s personal step-Oedipal complex who’s a year older than Melania, debuts a children’s book to indoctrinate youngsters in the me-first MAGA mindset.  Maybe this one has a better ending for Cricket.