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Speaker of The House Mike Johnson on Sunday told Fox News that Ukraine aid is not an “urgent need” so he’s moving forward with an Israel-only foreign aid bill this week, basically saying the White House and Senate can fuck off with the combination bill for both currently in the works.

Matthew Perry has died at age 54. The call was for a suspected cardiac arrest. While anything is possible, many will point out that Matthew was a big supporter of the COVID vaccines and even sold shirts saying "Could I BE Any More Vaccinated?" so I think it’s fair to ask that it… pic.twitter.com/crBn1UAmec

— Robby Starbuck (@robbystarbuck) October 29, 2023

This failed 2022 Republican Tennessee US House primary candidate and right wing influencer might as well just throw this out there on a Saturday night, 40 minutes after TMZ first reported that Friends star Matthew Perry had drowned in his hot tub, right? It’s not like he’s actually trying to convince anyone outside the MAGAverse of the dangers of the COVID-19 vax so much as capitalize on a public figure’s death to “go viral” within his disinformation ecosystem. He probably got a shit ton of new followers for this post by connecting Perry’s pro-vax stance to his death telling those already open to such messaging what they wanted to hear. All the outrage and disgust from the mainstream serves only to increase his street cred among his fellow conservative douchebags.

Disgraced former Trump White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows is still in damage control mode with respect to MAGA Nation as parts of a Friday CNN report apparently heavily sourced from his legal team seem to be aimed at allaying fears the North Carolinian right winger has “betrayed” the Orange God Emperor. “He’s just trying to be a good faith operator and work with [Jack Smith’s team],” a source close to Meadows told CNN. “That doesn’t mean that he’s selling anybody out or flipping,” the source continued, evidently trying to stop the MAGA freakout.

Team Trump meanwhile are plainly on edge, with one adviser saying “I think from our standpoint, we’re just taking his word for it. We’ve been pushing out his lawyer’s statements publicly.”

Reacting to former Vice President Mike Pence’s abruptly-announced decision to drop out of the 2024 GOP primary, NRSC chairman Senator Steve Daines on Saturday interfered in the election by calling on all the others to drop out, saying “it’s clear President Trump is going to be the nominee for Republicans for president, and the sooner we coalesce around him the better it’s going to be.”

The local sheriff issued a statewide alert a month ago for the Army reservist who killed 18 in Maine this week after police could not find him to question him about threats he made to the local military base, the New York Times & Associated Press report.

The Army Reserve reported threats Robert Card allegedly made against his fellow soldiers and the base in Saco, Maine itself.  A Sagadahoc County deputy sent to Card’s home could not locate Card, so the Sheriff issue the alert statewide.  The nature of the threats were unclear, and it’s unclear if this was the same incident from July that lead Card’s commanders to order him to seek mental health treatment.

Falling behind in the polls and the fundraising race, insurrection target Mike Pence has announced the suspension (read:  end) of his 2024 presidential campaign, which is probably for the best given only himself and Mother were certain to vote for him.

Well there’s only three days left until Halloween 2023 and, unless something changes dramatically, it doesn’t seem like drug dealers or other malefactors are going to be packaging expensive colorful synthetic opioids in little baggies and handing them out to suburban trick-or-treaters on Tuesday.

How do we know this? Well, we don’t. It could very well be that maybe Mexican drug cartels and/or ChiCom fifth columnists are in fact planning a massive coordinated attack on American children by distributing rainbow fentanyl pills from their doorsteps on Halloween and later next week we could be picking up story after story about the tragic death toll of such horror. But probably not.

And in that almost certain event, the “reports” – if meaning actual instances of distribution, ingestion, overdose, death, etc – could not “plummet” any further than they did from last Halloween because there were zero such cases reported in the national media in early November 2022.

What actually plummeted this year was Fox News and other right wing media outlets’ “reports” warning about rainbow fentanyl disguised as Halloween candy. Last year Media Matters counted 80 mentions of the colorful death pills from August 30 to November 1, 2022. A search of Fox News closed captions captured by Archive.org shows zero occurrences for the same period in 2023.

“My daughter, Ivanka, was released from this Fake Letitia James case by the Court of Appeals, but this Trump Hating, Unhinged Judge, who ruled me guilty before this Witch Hunt Trial even started, couldn’t care less about the fact that he was overturned. I also won on Appeal on Statute of Limitations, but he refuses to accept their decision. I truly believe he is CRAZY, but certainly, at a minimum, CRAZED in his hatred of me. This case should have never started, but now must be dismissed. Financial Statements were LOW, NOT HIGH, had a 100% Disclaimer Clause, Banks were fully paid, ‘on time, on schedule,’ with never even a minor default, there was NO VICTIM, EXCEPT ME. Any other Judge in the Country would have thrown this case out on day one. He’s an out of control ‘Nut Job,’ who fined me $10,000 over a ridiculous Gag Order so that the publicity for the day would take over from the fact that Racist James and the Judge’s Star Witness admitted LYING TO CONGRESS on the stand – CASE OVER!” wailed fat former President Trump in a Saturday Truth Social post reacting to his princess Ivanka getting subpoenaed to testify – potentially against him – in New York AG Letitia James’s lawsuit seeking to dismantle their corrupt business empire.

It’s true that Ivanka was “released” from the case as in, she was removed as a defendant before the trial, however that doesn’t mean shit as to whether or not she can be subpoenaed to testify. That lie is remarkably less unhinged than Trump claiming that Judge Arthur Engoron is simply defying an appeals court order and continuing the case as if he wouldn’t be immediately removed from both the trial and his job – probably the Bar Association too – by state judicial authorities, and even Trump’s deeply unethical lawyers would be well within their rights to cease treating his court with any legitimacy. This is the kind of insanity – considerably worse than past chapters of the Trump error – that’s still largely flying under the radar of the mainstream political media. That’s going to change.

US Capitol police officer Harry Dunn, one of the most visible and outspoken among those advocating for justice for those attacked during the January 6th insurrection, has indicated he’s interested in running for the safe Blue Maryland US House seat to be vacated by Dem Congressman John Sarbanes, who this week announced he won’t run again in 2024, Axios reports.

Extremely trivial factoid: If elected, Dunn would be at least the second Democrat named Harry to serve in both the Capitol Police force and Congress, following the late former US Senator Harry Reid.

• Congratulations(?), I guess, Mike Johnson. You just flipped the hourglass on the end of your career.
• Evolution of gunsplainer arguments:  Removing guns from people in mental health crisis → you want complete gun confiscation → guns secure liberty → guns are important in everyday life → ignorance about how guns are used → ignorance about guns → “You don’t know the size of the firing pin spring for a Walther Q5 so your point is completely invalid.”
• As many said, the House logjam was settled with a coalition government:  Trump supporters teamed with economic nihilists–with the pragmatist going along–to install Mike Johnson as Speaker.  That coalition will last until the next CR bill.
• Trump’s claim that he wants to use classified information in his defense in his DC January 6th trial is a clear attempt to obfuscate by claiming he couldn’t mount his planned defense if the judge rules the information irrelevant.
  Read More ▶ “Random thoughts Friday, Volume CXLIV”

On Friday night, officials in Lewiston, Maine lifted the shelter-in-place order relating to the manhunt for Robert Card, the 40-year-old former Marine alleged to have killed at least 18 people in a shooting Wednesday night and who has evaded capture since.

The Associated Press reports officials found a suicide note, addressed to Card’s son at his residence on a 200-acre property in Bowdoin the Card family has owned for generations and on which different residences sit.  Card’s vehicle was found at a local boat ramp along with one of his handguns.  His body has not been recovered, and police have not reported any verified sightings.’

UPDATE:  9:17 p.m. ET:  MSNBC reports that law enforcement officials report police believe they found a body which they believe to be Card’s.  Officials are expected to hold a press conference at 10:30 p.m. local time to confirm the end of the manhunt, but reports are that law enforcement have already pulled back from the search area.

With some spectacular graphics which we cannot show here because of copyright law, but we can provide a (gift link here), the Washington Post captured a moment that foreshadows the destiny of all such glorifications of racism:  the destruction of the statue of Robert E. Lee that became the focus of white nationalist backlash in Charlottesville, VA.  The 2017 Unite the Right rally started with a parade of tiki torch-carrying, khaki-clad neo-Nazis marching through a college campus and ended with a terrorist killing Heather Heyer in an automotive attack.  The white supremacists reportedly chose Charlottesville because the town council had voted to remove the Lee statue from a public park.

But please enjoy the Post’s images of the face of Lee being torched off and his limbs being smelted.  Like an endless video of a yule log shown on an obscure cable station on a chilly night, the images alone can be heartwarming.

And now the fun begins:  starting next Wednesday, the Trumps will start taking the stand before Judge Arthur Engoron next week in the New York State fraud trial in which the Trumps could face penalties in the $250 million range.

Don, Jr. will take the stand first, on Wednesday, November 1st, with Eric and Ivanka set to round out the week on Thursday and Friday, respectively.  Then it’s Monday when the Big–and when I say big, I mean obese–Cheese Doodle Himself takes the stand.

Readers of a certain age will remember the mystery of Chuck Cunningham, the basketball-dribbling older brother of Happy Day‘s chief protagonist in the early days of the series, Richie.  Chuck made appearances in the first two seasons of the popular series, curiously portrayed by two different actors, and then–poof!–not a mention of him again.  Chuck Cunningham, star athlete, was disappeared.  He was un-personed in Howard and Marion’s life.  He was no longer a Cunningham.  Hell, he was no longer.

Talking Points Memo reports a similar mystery in new House Speaker Mike Johnson’s life:  his disappearing Black son.  During the social unrest after George Floyd’s 2020 murder at the hands of police, Johnson did an interview in which he talked about how his  14-year-old adopted Black son named Michael faced additional problems because of his race than his 14-year-old biological son did.

Johnson also mentioned his adopted Black son, Michael, in a 2019 House committee hearing discussing reparations for slavery.  (Michael was against reparations, Johnson said.). Curiously, Johnson explained that he and his wife took in Michael when they were newlyweds.  “We took custody of Michael and made him part of our family 22 years ago when we were just newlyweds and Michael just 14 and out on the streets and on a dangerous path.”

What ever gave you the idea that Matt Gaetz was outing fellow Republican House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Jason Smith on Thursday? Why would you think such a thing? Look, Gaetz says it right here in this Newsweek article: “I was explicitly stating and referencing the dishonest life Jason Smith lives as a special interest shill. Obviously. I have no comment on the direct question you asked regarding Representative Smith’s sexual orientation. I honestly don’t care. I only care when he loves lobbyists too much,” said Gaetz. That was totally clear about that right off the bat.

It’s not like this was any sort of half-assed backpedaling or anything like that. Gaetz obviously meant that special interest shill something. Maybe it’s you libs that are the homophobic ones here. Just because Jason Smith is a 43 year-old bachelor with no known female partners and was very good friends with another Republican Congressman who resigned in 2015 after getting caught spending public and campaign funds on interior decorating bills for his office and then subsequently came out of the closet doesn’t mean Smith is gay too. Why would you even think that?

Federal District Judge Tanya Chutkan ordered responses regarding the potential broadcast of Donald Trump’s seditious conspiracy trial in Washington, scheduled for next March.  Chutkan wants to have the opinions of both Trump’s attorneys and the Special Counsel on her desk by November 10th.

The Trump team response will be interesting to see:  while Trump cannot resist the lure of a national broadcast certain to get eyeballs, his team won’t want the mountain of evidence against him to be available directly to voters, without Trump’s fallacious filter.

Clicking the “subscribe” button on disgraced former President Trump’s Truth Social account requires a strong stomach for meaningless bullshit, especially when you also have your phone configured to pick up the alerts. Unlike with Twitter you can’t see any of the actual content of the post in the push notification – all it says is “@realDonaldTrump just posted” – requiring you to tap on it and see what it says and the vast majority of the time it’s just who gives a shit. Maybe – maybe – one in every 20 posts is something funny, stupid, and/or outrageous enough to be worth picking up here, and by now we’ve discerned a pattern to the notifications that makes handling them a little easier.

When there’s just one or two notifications then it’s probably something Trump actually wrote himself and thus worth our attention (relatively speaking). See our articles like “Orange God Emperor explodes over Meadows betrayal,” “Orange Pharaoh officially undorses Tom Emmer for Speaker,” or “Trump tries to disown Kraken” for recent examples of such newsworthy-ish pronouncements.

If it’s four, five or more – and it’s always more – we know that it’s not Donald himself but one of his minions binge-posting articles from right wing news sites, stupid memes, screenshots of tweets of favorable numbers from poll tracker Twitter accounts like the one above. Most of the time we ignore these flurries completely, however this one polling result from Tennessee definitely stuck out.

House Republicans are trying to gauge what momentum, if any, they still have for impeaching Biden after the 22 day speakership shitshow that left their caucus riven by division, CNN reports.

It might seem like a lifetime ago given the separate self-inflicted clusterfuck of the four attempts to find a new Speaker after Kevin McCarthy was taken down in Matt Gaetz’s palace coup – of which McCarthy’s unilaterally-announced and thus invalid impeachment inquiry failed to stave off – but it’s been just under a month since Oversight Chairbilly James Comer’s utterly disastrous first hearing in the “inquiry” and now Republicans are looking to figure out a new way forward as new Speaker Mike Johnson has tepidly endorsed continuing the effort… if they can find any actual evidence, with Johnson on Thursday stressing to Sean Hannity that’s an important requirement.

House Judiciary spokesman Russel Dye insisted that the inquiry has been “ramped up” and they keep grinding to find new material for “future public consumption,” which was about the only quote CNN included that had any sort of positivity for the fake inquiry getting anywhere whatsoever.

How am I supposed to take liberals’ complaints about mass shootings seriously when half of them don’t even know what the “A” in AR-15 stands for?

— New York Times Pitchbot (@DougJBalloon) October 26, 2023

I’m not going to be lectured about gun safety by people who think the “AR” in AR-15 stands for “assault rifle”.

— Lauren Boebert (@laurenboebert) October 27, 2023

Writing good satire can be hard. Writing about good satire can be even harder. Some of us who might be pretty clever on some days find it exceedingly difficult on others to elucidate even the simplest description of the process or why the inspiration to produce it comes and goes like the weather. Which is to say when it rains it pours. Every so often some of us find the correct thread and follow it long enough to print something electrifyingly funny – especially in the MAGA era where a lot of this shit is more than absurd enough on its own that no thread need be pulled.

Satire can be easy too, paradoxically. Sometimes all one need do is just shift the context ever so slightly on a situation to properly demonstrate how stupid and/or outrageous it is. Or a prior situation. Whatever. We doubt the guy behind the New York Times Pitchbot account spends much time contemplating the nuts and bolts of the art however. He seems to just practice it, coasting rightfully on his talent at quick and concise burns of the political-media ecosystem with ease.

Pitchbot posted screenshots of both these tweets side-by-side a little while ago leading us to embed them above. He didn’t comment, so we have no insight into how he felt about his prophecy being unintentionally fulfilled by a frequent target of such mockery. We’ve been there too not long ago, and while it is funny on the surface, it can also somehow feel vaguely unsatisfying – even infuriating – underneath. Like a retroactive undermining of a good effort that makes one want to say “Hey fuck you asshole, get your own line!” as though Boebert had knowingly stole someone else’s joke. Or maybe Picthbot is just spiking the football like normal-ish people would do.

Manhattan Judge Arthur Engoron on Friday ruled that Ivanka Trump has to come in and testify in the trial over New York AG Letitia James’s $250 million lawsuit against her demented father’s corrupt business empire, the Messenger’s Adam Klasfeld reports, adding that she can still appeal.