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Credibly alleged domestic abuser and former Trump White House aide now Ohio MAGA Congressman Max Miller tells CNN’s Manu Raju that his Orange God Emperor is “incredibly upset” over House Republicans’ current clusterfuck and complains at length about colleague Matt Gaetz for endangering the majority by setting in motion the end of cowardly House Speaker Kevin McCarthy.

To that end, Politico reports the disgraced former President is considering heading to Capitol Hill early next week to meet with his lowly thrall and supposedly feel out support for running to be Speaker of the House himself, which would be just the dumbest fucking thing ever but here we are.

Veteran Democratic strategist David Axelrod on Thursday tweeted that he’s hearing rumors demented billionaire Elon Musk and “others may be throwing into a super pac for the independent bid RFK Jr’s announcing next week. If true, it could be a significant factor” in the 2024 race.

“Significant factor” is might a bit of an understatement. We had anticipated a passive Musk endorsement for Bobby Jr but had neglected to remember that he’s also got billions to piss away… not to mention command of the most important social media network. Trump is counting on the low-turnout “democracy is gay” edgelords in the Musk and RFK fanbases to roll off the futon and show up for him next November. Probably why Axelrod did not at all seem troubled to share the news.

And definitely why on Wednesday the Daily Beast reported the MAGA Reich are getting ready to wage an all out war on Kennedy when he re-launches. “If he wants to run, run. Fine. But if he chooses to run as an independent, then he’s our opponent,” a Trump campaign source told the Beast. “He’s not this centrist that he portrays himself to be. He’s a hardline Democrat on a bunch of major issues that run against the Republican Party and specifically MAGA Republicans.” We would love for this source to follow-up if and when Musk dumps $100 million into backing Bobby Jr.

In fairly related news, the AP reports pro-Russia dipshit Cornel West has dropped out of the Green Party and is now going to run as an independent too. That’s not great for fat Donald either. It’s not like the Greens are this well-funded political powerhouse but whatever machinery they would’ve had at the ready to help get West on the ballot where it counts isn’t going to be available to him.

Former George Santos campaign treasurer Nancy Marks will plead guilty Thursday to unspecified charges that remain under seal, ABC News reports on what’s probably pretty bad for Georgie boy.

Marks, a longtime Long Island-area GOP campaign finance operative who served on MAGA former Congressman Lee Zeldin’s failed gubernatorial will appear before a federal judge at 3 PM on Thursday. Santos had tried to blame her for all the shit he did to earn 13 felony counts himself.

A Public Policy Polling survey of Dem New Jersey voters finds Congressman Andy Kim leading DINO asshole Senator Robert Menendez 63 to 10, which should be about as clear of a sign as any that it’s time Bobby Bribes to pack it in. Kim also holds a solid lead with New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy’s wife Tammy added to the question, with 42 percent of respondents still favoring him to Tammy Murphy’s 19 percent and Menendez’s 5 percent in case the piece of shit still runs.

Trailer-dwelling Residents of the Burntwood Mobile Home Park in southern Oklahoma City tell KFOR the park’s management threatened to evict tenants for speaking about the now 13-foot long cat-eating python that has made its home under an abandoned unit for more than five months.

A ten-year Burntwood trailer homer, who asked to remain anonymous in fear of eviction from management, says the lords of the single-wide kingdom knew about the snake since at least June but only last week was a removal expert hired for the job. “The only reason they finally did something was because a resident snapped a picture of it. Them sending out a warning to us to not talk to media, it’s intimidation all the way.” KFOR were able to obtain a text message from Burntwood management that read “We have had a few media outlets attempt to interview our residents regarding this issue. Must be a slow news week! If you are contacted by the media, you are encouraged to ask them to leave the community immediately and give them no comments.”

That’s when the depth of the cover-up dawned on the resident. “The trailer that the snake is at is just a couple blocks near the pool and they closed that this summer, but we had no clue why. They knew that this snake was out and that having residents in the pool might not be the safest choice.”

Fat former President Trump’s lawyers on Thursday filed a motion asking Florida MAGA Judge Aileen Cannon to move push back the start of the Orange Defendant’s trial on charges stemming from his theft of classified documents from the White House, arguing that they haven’t been able to set up a “SCIF” in the area to examine the top secret evidence for discovery purposes.

At this point Jack Smith’s team might as well just let it go. Even if Cannon doesn’t play along with this directly, she’s been dragging her ass in other ways for months and it’d be better if the calendar is cleared to make room for the Atlanta trial if possible. Better to make sure he’s sitting at the defendants’ table in a televised trial during the middle of the campaign rather than where the ref is wearing an orange jersey under her robe and the jurors hang their MAGA hats up on a rack in the break room before starting the day. It’s a bedrock common law principle that the accused is entitled to view the evidence against him, but this is just ridiculous with the “SCIF” and the clearances. Too much opportunity for delay that’s already being exploited. Punt the Mar-a-Lago ball down the field.

“The ridiculous AG case against me in New York, brought by the Racist and Incompetent Peekaboo James, is being studied and mocked all over the World. Companies are Fleeing! It, and the highly political, Trump Hating Judge, are DESTROYING the Image and Reputation of the New York State Legal System & Courts. I don’t even get a Jury! All of this while MURDERS & VIOLENT CRIME HIT UNIMAGINABLE RECORDS! This is sooo bad for New York. HELP! The respected Commercial Division, where it should have been sent in the first place, must take over this ‘sh.. show'” wrote disgraced former President Trump on his lame Twitter clone early Thursday morning.

Donald ducked out of the trial and headed to Florida before the end of testimony on Wednesday, probably afraid he would have an outburst in court, which sucks for those of us wanting to see him thrown in a jail cell or otherwise humiliated by a judge who’s grown increasingly tired of his bullshit.

Kremlin intel officials are frantically searching for an unknown state security agent who allegedly drunkenly revealed to a stranger that he was part of a plot to take out Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, according to a report from VChK-OGPU, a Telegram channel with sources inside Moscow’s military infrastructure. The following was translated from the original Russian by Google:

“According to a source from the Cheka-OGPU, the special services have been searching for several days for an unknown person who has planned to ‘remove’ Putin. No one would have attached much importance to information about yet another dissatisfied president if an employee of one of the law enforcement agencies had not been involved in the case. The source says that a message about a secret conspiracy against the head of state was received by the duty department of the Ministry of Internal Affairs from a specialist in the Office of the President of the Russian Federation.”

“At 6:20 in the morning, a certain 37-year-old Mikhail Yurchenko called their reception, who introduced himself as an entrepreneur in the construction industry and gave his full details (they, by the way, were confirmed). Unlike numerous demanders and complainants, the man reported with alarm about a strange story that recently happened to him in the city of Chekhov.”

“Mikhail was relaxing there at the local karaoke club ‘Honey’, met an unknown person, and they began a long heart-to-heart conversation about the war and future life in Russia. At some point, according to Yurchenko, the interlocutor showed him a red service ID and stated that he had a task ‘to remove Vladimir Putin.’ Whatever it means, unfortunately for Mikhail, he did not remember the name of his drinking companion, nor did he see his details on his ID. However, what he heard haunted him, and after a couple of days of worry, he decided to report the conspirator to the right place. Now, on his tip, the operatives went to study the situation in the Honey Cafe, where, by the way, you can often meet employees of various departments,” said the Telegram post.

Thursday’s edition of Punchbowl News points out the major vulnerability to spandex-wearing grapple-freak Congressman Jim Jordan’s bid for the Speakership: His alleged Paterno-ing of the Ohio State University sex scandal in which wrestlers on his team were molested by that sick fuck doctor while Jordan was their assistant coach. Multiple former wrestlers on the team have alleged they told Jordan about it and he did nothing, so we can probably look forward to rival Steve Scalise’s operation to be firing up leaks about the accusations should the race get close.

Disgraced former President Trump’s minions are working the phones to oppose House Majority Whip Tom Emmer’s bid for a promotion to Majority Leader due to his thoughtcrimes of not voting to object to Joe Biden’s victory in the 2020 election and telling Republican candidates to distance themselves from the MAGA bullshit as NRCC chair in the 2022 midterms, Time Magazine reports.

“You can’t have the majority leader of the Republican Party being very anti-Trump and against his agenda,” a Trump acolyte told Time. “That’s just not going to work. There’s no trust there.”

Citing an unspecified security concern, the office of the late California Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein stated the previously announced public funeral had been changed to an invite-only event requiring a manned security perimeter, the San Jose Mercury-News reports.

Only people on the invite list will be allowed the perimeter police will establish about San Francisco’s City Hall, where the funeral will take place.  Because of the distance, the public will not be able to see or hear the service on-site.  Security has always been a heightened issue given Feinstein rose quickly in city politics after the tragic assassination of the city’s mayor and a city supervisor.

Go ahead, Donald.  Get the headlines with your courtroom shenanigans.  Dark Brandon will just continue to get shit done.  President Joe Biden signed an order forgiving about $9 billion of student loans for 125,000 borrowers, bringing to more than $125 billion in student debt forgiven so far in the Administration, the White House said in a statement.

The loans forgiven cover borrowers in three categories:  those covered under “public service” forgiveness programs; those whose economic situation allowed for an adjustment; and those who qualified for due to a disability as qualified by the Social Security Administration.  So far, more than 3.6 million borrowers have had all or part of their student loans forgiven in the last 30 months.

“This is the kind of treatment that I think conservatives are used to,” self-declared martyr Lara Trump states in a really transparent effort to make her autotuned unauthorized cover of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down,” a song her indicted father-in-law used at his rally until the singer’s estate demanded it stop and pulled the rights.  “We’re used to being censured [sic].  We’re used to being shadow-banned which dirtly (???) I already know my song was shadow-banned, uh, so many people told me on Apple Music, on Spotify, on Amazon Music.  They wouldn’t put my song on the radio because it was too ‘political’.”  (The photo of Lara on a horse shown in the split screen was being displayed on an 80-foot screen in Times Square, so… what was she saying about being “censured”?)

The air quotes are a pretentious touch.  And maybe the song isn’t getting airplay because it’s ‘political’ and more because it’s an autotuned mess that would embarrass a regular at a karaoke night.  Our evidence:  a few seconds of Lara’s assault on a rock classic clipped to the end.

The Sinaloa Drug Cartel, the alma mater of current federal prisoner el Chapo, has banned the “sale, manufacture, transport or any other business” relating to fentanyl, according to signs seen around the region in which the cartel operates, ABC News reports.

The cartel operates as a narco-state, enforcing its laws on the population, that works for its drug manufacturing operation, so the cartel may be trying to keep their workers alive.  Or it could be a warning to thieves and smugglers.  If the signs are authentic, as locals believe, it does not mean that the cartel, now led by el Chapo’s sons known as Los Chapitos, will cease making the synthetic opioid, which is a real killer in the marketplace.

MAGA Congressman Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma rakes the Republican Fredo of the House, Matt Gaetz over nails, detailing how Gaetz was despised by his colleagues as a scum who would show photos of naked sexual conquests to coworkers and brag that he would snort ground up Viagra to “go for four hours.”  (I had to listen to it to report it to you, but it’s really worth hearing.)

The word “unserious” has been used with increasing frequency in proximity to the name Matt Gaetz, particularly when talking to Republican politicians. But nay, nay, I say:  Matt Gaetz is extremely serious, just not about being a Congressman.

Arizona wants to be the inverse Iowa.  It’s setting itself up to be the Georgia of 2020 or Florida of 2000:  the location where the television cameras will be focusing on election monitors checking ballots as the nation waits on the edge of its collective seats to find out the winner of the 2024 election.  Or control of the Senate.  Or something.

According to the Washington Post, Arizona election officials are cautioning the media and the public that new recount laws could delay the final determination of various elections until weeks after Election Day in 2024.  And worse:  the new laws, if followed as enacted now, would most certainly mean the final counts of the president election could not be certified before mandated dates.

It’s a lesson in unintended consequences:  with bipartisan support for most of the laws, the package of election laws lowered the gap needed to trigger an automatic recount.  When the laws were considered in the wake of the 2020 debacle in the state, county election officials noted that the manpower needed to conduct all those recounts–including many that must, by law, be done by hand–would interfere with the announcement of winners in virtually all primary and general elections in statewide races.

The flashy Mercedes-Benz C-300 convertible Democratic New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez’s wife reportedly received as part of a bribery scheme alleged in a federal indictment was gifted to her by donors after her previous vehicle was totaled in a 2018 fatal pedestrian accident, the Washington Post reports.

Text messages show that in the weeks after the accident, Nadine Arslanian, Menendez’s then-girlfriend, texted about how inconvenient her life had become without a car of her own to co-defendant Wael Hana, an Egyptian-born New Jersey businessman–presumably a non-organized crime “businessman” but a corrupt New Jersey businessman nonetheless.  A few weeks later, a different co-defendant named Jose Aribe gave Arslanian $15,000 in cash, which she used to make a downpayment on the car.  Aribe then took over the monthly payment on the loan for the balance of the $60,000 cost.

Leonard Leo is the personification of IOKIYAR.  Many of us remember when “activist judges” was sneered at by conservatives; now those same people assert the wholesale dismissal of legal precedents by conservative jurists is the virtuous way to right the wrongs decided by, y’know, voters.  The Deep State is dangerous, but the Unitary Executive (cough, cough… autocrat) is cool with them.  Oh, and we can dictate what laws you follow, but they don’t apply to me.

Politico reports Leo, the man behind many a conservative Supreme Court nominee and the people who fund them, is refusing to cooperating with a tax probe into his myriad organizations by the DC Attorney General, who suspects Leo has used the network of non-profits, political action groups, and for-profit firms to manipulate tax law to filter donations to his personal accounts at a lower tax rate.  Leo’s groups have also been known to filter money through other organizations and into the pockets of people like Ginni Thomas and Kellianne Conway.

Washington D.C. Attorney General Brian Schwalb alleges Leo uses his for-profit consulting firms, Arabella Advisors and CRC Advisors, to fund his tax-free non-profit “advocacy groups” through tax-deductible donations, which would then be used to pay Leo’s salary at the non-profit.  Other groups, including one that was affiliated with Arabella, claim Leo is using the funds to finance an extravagant lifestyle—a lifestyle, they assert, that got extremely more extravagant after Leo gained a modicum of renown when Trump made him an unpaid advisor to his campaign to craft a list of potential Supreme Court nominees.

“I wanted to send you an important update regarding the 2023 NRCC Fall Gala in Dallas, TX. I want you to be the first to know – in consultation with our Leadership team and many of you – we have decided to postpone this dinner. Our focus next week needs to be the election of our next Speaker and the legislative work before us. This Gala is a high priority for the NRCC and all funds raised directly support efforts to grow our House Republican majority. That mission is as important as ever, and I need your continued support to make it a reality. I know I can count on you. We are working diligently to have a new date for you in the near future,” writes Republican Spirit Committee Chair Congressman Rich Hudson after that no-good dope smoking punk Matt Gaetz and his misfit crew ruined the team’s unity right when they’re getting ready for the big game against the Democrats.

Hudson did not say whether Gaetz would still be allowed to bring his 17 year-old date to the prom.