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A Florida Trump fan hit with a felony voting fraud charge for forging his father’s mail-in ballot four days after he died in October 2020 tells the AP that it’s all a scam being perpetrated by local officials loyal to Donald’s all-but-defeated 2024 GOP primary rival, Governor Ron DeSantis.

“There is a lot of politics that goes on here in Sumter County and they don’t like the fact that I don’t follow their system,” said The Villages-area fanboy Robert Rivernider, who was and still is barred from voting under the DeSantis regime as he’s still paying restitution for a decade-old $20 million real estate fraud conviction in Connecticut. Rivernider is pissed county election officials – who may or may not actually be pro-DeSantis, but who cares – waited three years to file a criminal complaint.

The best part is that the ballot didn’t end up getting counted when it was flagged by tabulators as failing signature matching, per the complaint brought by Sumter elections supervisor William Keen.

REMINDER: Your smartphone will blare an alert tone in t-minus five minutes as a test of the national emergency alert system. If QAnon freaks’ predictions are accurate, the loud tone will also activate secret nanites hidden in COVID-19 vaccines that will quickly render the flesh and bones of the inoculated into metal and glowing silicon, mutating them into mindless violent robozombies.

National Zero will then cease updating as we have no unvaccinated staff members. We would suggest you tune in to Joe Rogan’s podcast for updates on the ensuing chaos. “So like the robot zombies were shrieking these like crazy super-sonic sound waves at me as I climbed over the dumpsters behind the In-and-Out Burger to escape them. Really hurt my eardrums. I was reading this one dude who actually says mercury is good for hearing damage, I think I’ll try to go find some. I mean a lot of scientists said that mercury was bad for you and like poisonous and shit but now they all got turned into robo monsters because of the vax, so I’ll totally try mercury ear drops now.”

House Majority Leader Steve “David Duke with the baggage” Scalise on Wednesday announced he’ll be challenging Jim “Reacharound” Jordan in a no-holds barred royal rumble for the Speakership belt.

We had to look up who this assclown is, and of course he’s Ted Cruz’s podcast co-host. They couldn’t even get the real Ted Cruz on to complain about this so they go with his fucking sidekick.

“On Oct 2, 2023, the US government transferred approximately 1.1 million 7.62mm rounds to the Ukrainian armed forces. The government obtained ownership of these munitions on July 20, 2023, through the Department of Justice’s civil forfeiture claims against Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC). These munitions were originally seized by US Central Command naval forces from the transiting stateless dhow MARWAN 1, Dec 9, 2022. The munitions were being transferred from the IRGC to the Houthis in Yemen in violation of the United Nations Security Council Resolution 2216.”

“The US is committed to working with our allies and partners to counter the flow of Iranian lethal aid in the region by all lawful means including US and UN sanctions and through interdictions. Iran’s support for armed groups threatens international and regional security, our forces, diplomatic personnel, and citizens in the region, as well as those of our partners,” says CENTCOM in a Tuesday press release, which CNN expands on with a report on far more Iranian hardware bound for Ukraine.

I'm suing Joe Biden. https://t.co/wtZnlx9Hgt

— Rudy W. Giuliani (@RudyGiuliani) October 4, 2023

The tweet links to a “livestream from New Hampshire” where, and this is no exaggeration, it sounds like Rudy is suicidal. We can’t even tell what the hell his complaint is supposed to be about he just keeps rambling about losing his business and social media following because of Biden. We guess it’s defamation or something. Not clear is what lawyer is filing the complaint because on Wednesday morning his Georgia defense counsel motioned to withdraw from the case, the second one in as many weeks. Another lawyer, Rob Costello, sued last month over $1.36 million in unpaid fees.

In their post-mortem on California Congressman Kevin McCarthy’s failed speakership, the Washington Post reports that “One person close to Trump, who, like others, spoke on the condition of anonymity to comment candidly, suggested that the outcome might have been different if McCarthy had endorsed Trump early on in the former president’s quest for the 2024 nomination.”

No further details from inside the Orange God Emperor’s court of jesters were included in the Post’s report, but beyond that it was obvious that Trump wasn’t really inclined to get in the middle of it for a number of reasons: That the next Speaker will almost certainly be a fanatically loyal cultist and McCarthy had fairly recently already been in deep shit with for failing to “expunge” his two impeachments and had foolishly questioned whether Donald was the “best candidate” for 2024.

Then of course there’s Trump’s other problems this week in New York, where the Daily Beast’s Jose Pagliery just now reported that Donald “is starting to grumble in court, groaning in front of the judge while making winces and exasperated shrugs” as testimony in the $250 million business fraud lawsuit brought by Attorney General Leticia James continues. Fingers crossed for a major outburst.

In a development accelerating the abasement of the US House of Representatives, spandex-wearing grapple-freak Jim Jordan on Wednesday said he’s running for Speaker, NBC’s Scott Wong reports.

Italian government officials have started redrafting evacuation plans after the city of Naples was hit with a swarm of mostly small earthquakes centered on the undersea caldera of Campi Flagrei, a freaking monster volcano that would cause untold destruction were it to erupt, ABC News reports.

Experts downplayed the action, saying the quakes don’t necessarily mean the volcano – which last erupted in 1538 – would awaken again. “The seismic activity has been intensifying for months. We have observed over 3,000 tremors since the start of 2023,” said Italian government geologist Gianfilippo De Astis. “Only 65, however, were above a 2.0 magnitude,” he continued, saying it may just be a cyclical movement of magma rather than a precursor. De Astis still warned authorities have to get their shit together and start working on preparing. “No doubt that the plans need to be updated, but that’s a complex issue,” De Astis said “For sure, escape routes have to be enlarged to allow a quicker exodus. The government should definitely act on the infrastructure side.”

Things got more than a little testy between Fox and Friends host Brian Kilmeade and hick Tennessee Congressman Tim Burchett on Wednesday morning, with Kilmeade plainly furious with the slow-witted white nationalist for voting alongside Matt Gaetz to remove Kevin McCarthy from power.

Sources tell the New York Times that alcoholic shitbrain Rudy Giuliani’s liver abuse has become a subject of interest for Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith’s team as they continue their investigation into Co-conspirator 1’s role in the Trump regime’s post-2020 election coup attempt.

Obviously it’s not a crime to guzzle whiskey before going on Fox News or hosting a stupid radio show and Smith’s team don’t care how much he drank. They do however want to use the lush’s habit to punch holes in Trump’s anticipated “advice of counsel” defense, where he blames Rudy and the other morons for telling him it was possible to overturn the 2020 election, something that becomes harder when they can prove to a jury that Donald was aware that Rudy was shitfaced.

The 2022-2023 “water year” ending October 1st was a boon for drought-striken California, with officials finding levels in the state’s reservoirs now up to 128 percent of the historical average after heavy rain and snowfall more than made up for years of dry spells, the Associated Press reports.

“This was as close to a miracle year as you can get,” said California Department of Water Resources Director Karla Nemeth. The constant flow of precipitation and built-up snowpack at higher elevations contributed to a much-needed respite from wildfires, with the 476 square miles of forest burned in 2022-2023 less than a quarter of the five-year average of 2,031 square miles.

AS SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, my 2nd proposals brought to the House Floor are as follows:

Abolish the Federal Reserve

Give US Treasury Authority to Issue Currency

Defund & Abolish ALL Antiquated Federal Regulatory Agencies

Review ALL Old Laws & Purge Obsolete Laws/Statutes pic.twitter.com/Kq5ihbpLNJ

— Jake Angeli-Chansley (@AmericaShaman) October 4, 2023

Winner: Late-night talk show hosts who decided to get back in front of the camera at so-perfectly the right time you’d think they manipulated the situation.

Loser:  Oh, hell, yeah, Number One Loser is Matt Gaetz.  He fucked around, and he is gonna find out. When your political leverage in the House turns on fewer people than what’s needed for a full baseball squad (without a relief pitcher) you’ve made a wager you have no capital to cover.

Winner:  Kevin McCarthy.  Yeah, he won.  Think about it.  He didn’t really want to be Speaker.  He just wanted to have been the Speaker.  He wanted the portrait in the Lobby; he didn’t want the responsibility.  He’ll make the list, but he won’t have a legacy.  He’ll be the Jm. J Bullock of House Speakers:  Yeah, I know the name, but was he a ventriloquist, a ’70s actor, or the guy from that budget showdown that one time?  And guess what?  He’ll see a pension bump, too.

GOP House members are plotting revenge against the Jar Jar Binks of Congress, Florida Republican Matt Gaetz, after his stunt ousted California Republican Kevin McCarthy from the Speakership.  According to the Washington Post, one group of Republicans is looking to eject Gaetz from the GOP, while others are planning his eviction from the House.

Gaetz has put himself on an island:  he was despised before this stunt for embarrassing the Party by leading a rag-tag sect of far-right nihilists to force a days-long election of McCarthy in the first place.  It had gotten so bad, Gaetz frequently sat on the Democratic side of the aisle when the caucuses met on the House floor, ignoring his Republican colleagues and they him.

“I’d love to have him out of the conference,” Don Bacon of Nebraska told reporters Tuesday, adding, “He shouldn’t be in the Republican Party.”  South Dakota’s Dusty Johnson commented, “I think there’s some reason to doubt whether or not Matt Gaetz is serious.”

The Baltimore Banner reports an active shooting currently occurring on the campus of Morgan State University in Baltimore with at least four people shot.  The Historically Black University went into lockdown as the shooting was reported at a dormitory on the campus of 7,900 students around 10 p.m. Tuesday.  There are no details about the shooter or the condition of the victims.

Update: 12:52 p.m. ET:  Although no suspect has been captured, police said it is no longer an active shooter situation and at 12:35 a.m., the campus lifted the lockdown.  None of the victims’ injuries are life-threatening.

“Kevin McCarthy will not seek the Speakership again,” secret Trump advisor and cable propagandist Sean Hannity announces before pulling something out his colon.  “Now, sources telling me at this hour some House Republicans have been in contact with and have started an effort to draft former President Donald Trump to be the Speaker, and I have been told… uhhhh…  that, ah, President Trump might be open to helping the Republican Party at least in the short term if necessary, ahhhh, if it’s needed.”

Trump got away from the draft before so…  But seriously, Trump as Speaker has Jerry-Spring-meets-The-West-Wing-on-Survivor-Island all over it.  Trump would likely demand the House unilaterally make all his legal difficulties go away–and he’s try to defund Jack Smith’s Special Counsel’s office, too!  Besides, Trump’s got rallies and fundraisers and court dates coming up, so he just can’t do it.

North Carolina Republican Congressman Patrick McHenry, who has one week to give to this position, notified Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi that she must move out of her hideaway office by the close of business Wednesday so he can take it over in his duties as Speaker pro tem, Politico reports.  Pelosi is currently in California for the funeral of her friend and colleague, ground-breaking Senator Dianne Feinstein, who died last week.

“Please vacate the space tomorrow, the room will be re-keyed,” an aide to McHenry wrote to Pelosi’s office. “Sadly, because I am in California to mourn the loss of and pay tribute to my dear friend Dianne Feinstein, I am unable to retrieve my belongings at this time,” Pelosi said when reached by Politico, who did not mention if they heard her laugh when McCarthy’s name was mentioned.

Hideaway offices are a limited number of private rooms or suites scattered around the Capitol and unlisted on public maps, identified only by a number on the door, where Senators and senior members of the House have personal office space outside of staffers and the public.  As a former Speaker, Pelosi had been granted the privilege of having the personal space.

In what was likely his last missive under his @SpeakerMcCarthy Twitter handle, ousted former Speaker Kevin McCarthy maudlinly narrated a rather mundane and over-detailed retelling of his life before pinning the responsibility for his ouster squarely on his own Frankenstein’s Monster.

“I give it as good as I get it,” McCarthy said of Gaetz’s actions, a thinly-veiled warning to the Florida Republican Congressman who faces his own questions due to an ongoing Ethics Committee investigation into child sex trafficking allegations.

When asked by a reporter if he was going to stay in Congress, McCarthy was more enigmatic:  “I will look at that.”