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“I figured I’d give this a shot seeing as quite a few people on Twitter are trying to blame me for the cocaine in the White House? !? LOL, I mean I haven’t been there in almost 3 years and there’s someone with a serious problem that was apparently their but anyway. Heavily guarded, but no one knows anything I’m shocked!!! 🥳” wrote Donald Trump Jr in his first and so far only Threads post on Thursday. We would’ve embedded it but they’re being a little temperamental right now.

There’s also the possibility he might end up deleting it if he realizes that he didn’t write “LOL, I don’t do cocaine! I tried it once when I was like 25 but I thought it sucked!” instead of saying the only reason it couldn’t have been his is because he hasn’t been to the White House in three years.

Threads not exactly off to a great start. Hey Instagram, threads is verbal, so the whole skimpy bikini thing is not going to work so well if your influencers can’t actually formulate a sentence… IMHO you may want to rethink cutting off those who can. pic.twitter.com/vBKIOjg8Z8

— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) July 6, 2023

In very much related news, Threads is (or at least was earlier on Thursday, we did not see this prompt come up ourselves) warning users to think twice before following MAGA influencers like Don Jr and notorious meathead fascist “DC_Draino” due to their histories for propagating right wing misinformation. The hilarity of a Zuckerberg production suddenly taking social media misinformation seriously aside, this raises an interesting question: Were these warnings generated algorithmically based on the garbage they and other scumbags had already posted on sister platforms Facebook and Instagram, or did the Threads team manually flag them solely on reputation as they joined? Jim Jordan is no doubt already punching holes in the wall over this while his wife downs a bottle of vodka in the backyard, so we might get something approximating an answer to that question at some point after he fires off dozens of subpoenas to Zuckerberg and his minions.

In the second sign he’s legitimately pissed at Mark Zuckerberg for siphoning attention away from his systemic and willful destruction of everything that was good about Twitter (the first being this sad tweet from new CEO Linda Yaccarino), Elon Musk on Wednesday commanded his lawyer Alex Spiro to fire a warning shot at Zuck for launching the new Threads app, Semafor reports.

“I write on behalf of X Corp, as successor in interest to Twitter, Inc (‘Twitter’). Based on recent reports regarding your recently launched ‘Threads’ app, Twitter has serious concerns that Meta Platforms (‘Meta’) has engaged in systematic, willful, and unlawful misappropriation of Twitter’s trade secrets and other intellectual property… Twitter reserves all rights, including, but not limited to, the right to seek both civil remedies and injunctive relief without further notice to prevent any further retention, disclosure, or use of its intellectual property by Meta,” Spiro wrote.

Here’s where we would mention that stupid “cage match” of whatever that Zuckerberg challenged Musk to last month with the very jocular suggestion that they settle it “out of court” there.

House Freedom Caucasians member Congressman Andy Harris confirmed CNN’s Haley Talbot on Thursday that white nationalist conspiracy freak Marjorie Taylor Greene has been expelled from the far right GOP coalition over her voting in favor of the debt deal, fights with other members like Lauren Boebert and “support” for titular Speaker Kevin McCarthy. Harris specifically cited the Greene-Boebert “little bitch” incident on the House floor as “the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

There had been some doubt about her status with her fellow fascists since the secret internal vote last month and nobody on either side seemed to want to let us jackals who savor such drama know how it ended, but this would appear to be confirmation that Crazy Marjorie is such a miserable Nazi asshole behind the scenes that not even other miserable Nazi assholes want to be associated with her – making Greene the first ever member of the Freedom Caucasians to be expelled.

Pelagic adventure tourism company OceanGate Expeditions announced Thursday it would cease all operations after its formerly perfect safety record took a dive last month, ABC News reports.

It was found outside of a security checkpoint, genius pic.twitter.com/Z8O4AIvNPw

— National Zero (@NationalZeroUSA) July 5, 2023

Evidently infuriated by our account going all fact-y on him, angry pugfaced MAGA influencer Dan Bongino on Wednesday totally owned National Zero by blocking us on Twitter, joining an elite cadre of right wing dickwads like rigged pollster Rasmussen Reports, former Arizona Republican Party Chairwoman “Chemtrails Kelli” Ward, Students for Trump Reichsjugendführer Ryan Fournier, former Trump Justice Department Acting Associate Attorney General Jeffrey Clark, and irrepressible douchebag Substacker Glenn Greenwald among those who created for themselves a Twitter experience free from the abrasive heckling of this site’s profane founder. Picasso-faced Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton was also on this prestigious list in spring 2021, but was ordered by a court to unblock all users, Texan and non-Texan alike, a few months later. Hopefully he can block us again as a private citizen if he’s removed from office after his impeachment trial later this summer.

QAnon sub-cult leader Michael Brian Protzman, aka “Negative48,” died at age 60 last week in a hospital in Rochester, Minnesota of injuries suffered in a dirt bike accident, Vice reports.

Protzman, whose “Negative48” nom de guerre came from a MAGAfied version of the ancient Jewish numerological system called Gematria (“Evil” is E[5] + V[22] + I[9] + L[12] = 48, hence “Negative” 48), gained fame for his subgroup’s November 2021 to March 2022 vigil for the resurrections of John F Kennedys Senior and Junior at the site of the former’s 1963 assassination in Dallas. The gathering devolved into a scene of absolute squalor, with Protzman and his retinue of thralls occupying the upper floors of a nearby hotel over the months, catering to the whims of their prophet and drinking hydrogen peroxide cocktails out of shared punchbowls to stave off COVID infections. The whole story was deeply tragic for the families of those brainwashed into Protzman’s cult, among them an Arkansas nurse who abandoned her three young children, one of them an infant, to await the return of the Kennedys… and Michael Jackson, John Lennon, Tupac Shakur, Prince, and others.

So you probably already figured out how the remnants of a cult obsessed with the idea that certain famous politicians and celebrities aren’t really dead is handling the death of their own leader, with Vice reporting that Negative48 acolytes pretending it didn’t happen, even to the point of banning chat room members simply asking for updates on Protzman’s condition after he was hospitalized. Excommunicated former Protzman lieutenant Shelly Mullinax told Vice that only the “evil version” of her messiah is dead, but the good one, JFK Jr disguised as Protzman, is alive and well.

It really seems like in this interview on idiot Tomi Lahren’s show that heels-wearing Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is saying that his fat orange rival let trans women compete against cis women in the Trump beauty pageants – and that the trans women had a competitive advantage over the cis women because DeSantis contrasts it with Trump’s rhetoric on girls’ athletics.

Loyal Trump minion Walt Nauta finally hired a lawyer to represent him as he faces multiple federal felony charges for doing the Orange God Emperor’s bidding in helping to hide stolen classified documents from federal officials, The Messenger reports. Nauta will be represented by Sasha Dadan, described as a “a 34-year-old Republican all-purpose criminal defense attorney who ran in 2018 for the Florida House,” as he enters a not guilty plea Thursday. A failure to secure counsel could have further delayed proceedings, which is exactly what Trump wants to do.

The monthly jobs report from ADP – which typically drops the day before the government’s official Bureau of Labor Statistics one – showed a massive gain in new private sector jobs with 497,000 added for the month, beating the Dow Jones “consensus estimate” of 220,000, CNBC reports.

OMG 😍😍😍 Threads ROCKS! So cool we can be on ANOTHER social media network! We just used it to post a little sneak preview of an earlier version of this article! Join and follow us @nationalzerousa right now! It’s great to have a completely different neuroatypical sociopath billionaire’s platform as backup for Twitter’s inevitable collapse. Even better is how Threads has virtually no desktop functionality, forcing us to use the mobile app to scroll for breaking news to use for our content.

Senate Minority Leader Moscow Mitch tells Punchbowl News he supports Democratic New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez’s plan to withhold the sale of F-16s to Turkey to get asshole dictator Recep Erdogan to quit fucking around and greenlight Sweden’s bid to join NATO. “I’m one of those who are not in favor of the F-16 sale to Turkey until the admission of Sweden gets behind us,” said McConnell said in an interview. “We had anticipated that would happen in Vilnius.”

A Politico Magazine/Ipsos public opinion survey on disgraced former President Trump’s upcoming trial for stealing and hoarding classified documents from the White House finds that 28 percent of Republican voters and 31 percent of independents claim they would be less likely to support the fat bastard in the 2024 election were he to be convicted on the 37 counts against him.

“The results also suggest that the numbers could get worse as Americans learn more about the pending charges. Roughly one-third of respondents said that they are not particularly familiar with the allegations in” the both the New York and federal cases, Politico writes on the finding.

On the question of “Should Trump be tried before the 2024 presidential election in the case related to retaining sensitive documents?” 62 percent overall said yes, including 46 percent of Republican voters. On guilt, 25 percent of Republican voters and 36 percent of independents think Donald did what those of us who paid attention know with certainty. As for a sentence, 43 percent said imprison him, 18 percent said probation, 17 percent said fines only, and 22 percent said no punishment at all. Naturally no punishment led with Republicans at 39 percent.

A DC federal judge on Wednesday denied a request by convicted Ohio Capitol rioter Kenneth Thomas to “network” with other pro-insurrection scumbags at an event this weekend in Rogersville, Missouri following Thomas’s recent guilty verdict on multiple felonies including assaulting law enforcement officers during the January 6th, 2021 attack on American democracy.

Judge Dabney Friedrich, who is set to sentence Thomas in September, cited prosecutors’ opposition which noted that the MAGA shitweasel had already been caught violating his pretrial release conditions back in March when he traveled to the DC area to attend the CPAC cult gathering.

Now if this all sounds familiar and you remember a story here about that from March you’d be mistaken because it was a completely different Capitol rioter named Gabe Garcia who was also caught defying the court’s pretrial release restrictions by going to CPAC. Funny thing is however, that in the Justice Department’s opposition to Thomas’s request they include a Telegram post by Thomas taking a selfie with Garcia in the lobby at the cult gathering. So close enough.

Australian Home Minister Clare O’Neil on Thursday taunted Donald Trump Jr for canceling his speaking tour in the country while his host – the Down Under branch of small-faced scumbag Charlie Kirk’s Turning Point – falsely tried to spin it as a visa denial, Reuters reports.

“Geez, Donald Trump Jr is a bit of sore loser,” O’Neil tweeted before later deleting it. “Donald Trump Jr has been given a visa to come to Australia. He didn’t get cancelled. He’s just a big baby, who isn’t very popular,” she wrote, while also adding that poor ticket sales for the three scheduled appearances were probably the real reason he canceled. Prime Minister Anthony Albanese also weighed in, telling reporters “Donald Trump Jr’s visa was dealt with in the normal way. Like anyone else, he was entitled to come here. The deferral of his travel is a matter for him.”

Fat former President Trump is starting to get sick of Kari Lake always hanging around and acting like she’s already been picked to be his running mate in the 2024 campaign, the Daily Beast reports.

“She’s a shameless, ruthless demagogue who wants power and will do whatever she has to do to get it,” a Trump adviser told the Beast without any hint of irony whatsoever. Another said the Orange God Emperor thinks Lake should stop “running around saying she should be Vice President.”

Within four hours of launch on Wednesday evening, Meta’s new microblogging platform Threads has more than five million users, according to a “thread” posted by Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, Politico reports, introducing a new competitor to Elon Musk’s flailing Twitter, Politico reports.

The site allows people to post messages of up to 500 characters, nearly double Twitter’s capacity.  It allows people to like, reply and repost comments, but it does not yet have a hashtag function.  At least initially, you’ll have to have an Instagram account to sign up; the app is a text-based version of the Instagram platform, according to Meta.  Users can set up a placeholder Instagram account to sign up for Meta, if they don’t have one already.

The system is not without problems, however, as the platform was unable to retrieve some messages on demand, although the rollout has been relatively smooth when compared to the Truth Social comical debut.  The launch was originally supposed to happen Thursday at 10 a.m., but the app appeared in the Apple and Google app stores at 7 p.m. Wednesday. 

US Navy forces stopped two Iranian military attempts to take control of two commercial oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman, just outside the Strait of Hormuz, the Washington Post reports.  American forces monitored via radio and drone as an Iranian military vessel ordered the tanker Richmond Voyager, about a mile away from it, to halt.  Drone footage showed what appeared to be bullets ricocheting off the tanker’s structure.  The guided-missile destroyer USS McFaul sailed to the area, forcing the Iranians to withdraw.

A few hours earlier, the McFaul responded to another ship, the Marshall Islands-registered tanker TRF Moss, which also had been ordered by a different Iranian vessel to stop, a prelude to boarding and seizure.  Navy officials have increased patrols in international waters in the Persian Gulf and Gulf of Oman since May when Iran became more aggressive with international shipping traffic.

According to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index which tracks the wealth of the richest 500 people in the world, that cohort increased their collective net wealth by $852 billion in the first half of 2023, or $14 million per day per individual on the list, USA Today reports.  Shockingly, that wasn’t a record, which was set in the latter half of 2020 as the world’s economy started regaining footing after the start of the coronavirus pandemic.   That’s roughly half of the 2.3% growth, amounting to around $1.9 trillion, the entire world economy was expected to see in growth in the first half of 2023.

Like father, like son.  A singer and reality television personality who appeared on The Apprentice has come forward with a claim that she had an affair with Donald Trump Jr. in 2011 while he was married to his first wife, and they consummated the relationship in the bathroom of a gay club in New York City, notorious gossip site PageSix reports.

Aubrey O’Day, a member of the reality show-created band Danity Kane, claims that Junior was so smitten with her after she appeared on Season 5 of Celebrity Apprentice that when she told him she was going to be at a gay nightclub–“Everybody was in a g-string or less,” she describes–he didn’t hesitate to make his way down there.  And Junior “got busy” with O’Day in the bathroom of the club; no word if it was a men’s room or a women’s room the pair violated, but regardless, one of them did violate Junior’s anti-LGBTQ ranting about people using the wrong bathroom.

Unsurprisingly, just like his daddy, Junior’s wife was either pregnant or post-natal at the time of Junior’s alleged affair; their son Tristan was born in October 2011.  O’Day claims they started a long-term affair, with Junior once professing that he would leave his wife.  Ultimately, he did, but for Fox sexual harasser and stepmother substitute for his Oedipal complex Kimberly Giulfoyle.

Republican former Arizona state House Speaker Rusty Bowers told CNN’s Kaitlan Collins on Wednesday that he’s been interviewed by the FBI about fat former President Trump and minions harassing him to overturn the results of the 2020 election in the Grand Canyon State. Last year Bowers testified publicly to the House January 6th Select Committee about the shit he took from the MAGA Reich in the aftermath, including multiple calls from Donald himself. After the testimony Bowers had famously said he would still support Trump in the 2024 election only to later walk that back and then the next month saw his political career ended quickly and unceremoniously when he lost a state Senate primary to a MAGA loyalist endorsed by the Orange God Emperor.