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In his first comments on the matter since fat former President Trump was indicted, Attorney General Merrick Garland on Wednesday told an ABC reporter nothing at all like we described in the headline but we decided this is a good opportunity for a reading comprehension test for right wing trolls.

“As I said when I appointed Mr Smith, I did so because it underscores the Justice Department’s commitment to both independence and accountability. Mr Smith is a veteran career prosecutor. He has assembled a group of experienced and talented prosecutors and agents who share his commitment to integrity. Any questions about this matter will have to be answered by their filings in court,” is what Garland actually said, adding he wouldn’t get into the specifics of the case.

Embattled Republican Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton lost a motion in state court to keep his felony securities fraud trial in the deep-red county for which his wife serves as a state senator, with the highest criminal court in the state ruling the trial be moved to Democratic-stronghold Houston, the Associated Press reports.

A timetable for the start of the trial regarding allegations that Paxton defrauded investors in a tech startup, for which he was charged in 2015, is undetermined.  After being elected as the state’s Attorney General in 2014, Paxton has successfully thwarted attempts to start the trial.  He wanted his trial to be held in Collins County, which his wife Angela Allen represents as the Republican state senator for Texas District 8.

Facing a sentence of up to 99 years in prison, Paxton is also facing multiple impeachment charges for other financial malfeasance while in office.  These felony charges are part of the 20-count impeachment articles passed by the state house last month.

After experiencing Straight White Male Panic because of a social media outreach to a trans influencer, the America First crowd has outsourced the title of America’s Favorite Beer:  for the first time, a Mexican brewery has the top selling beer brand in the United States, with Modelo Especial overtaking Bud Light as the nation’s favorite, Yahoo Finance reports.

Sales of Modelo, owned by the same conglomerate that owns Bud Light, jumped about 15% to an 8.4% share of US beer sales, up from 7.3% in the four-week period that ended June 3rd.  Bud Light sales share slid from 10.3% in early May to 7.3%.  Miller Lite’s remained flat at 5.3% while Coors Light rose just 0.1 percentage points to 6.2% of the market.

Florida MAGA Congressman Greg Steube’s attire may scream how badly he wishes the scout from the Diamondbacks’ affiliate in Reno had returned his calls back in 1999 so he could’ve maybe eventually actually played there for real instead of standing next to a fucking idiot like Byron Donalds at 8:30 in the morning while “practicing,” but his heart is all in on not answering a Fox News reporter’s questions about the merits of the case against the Orange Slob. Which takes serious talent. Why be known as the Craig Biggio of TV interviews when you could be the Reggie Jackson?

The Federal Reserve Bank will uninterest on Wednesday because the inflationing stopped from the interestings they did in response to the inflating, ABC News reports. They’re not going to disinterest yet because the inflationing might come back if they do. So just not more interesting for now.

People on CNBC and the other money channels say this is good because it’s like if the economy gets mad again then the Fed might need to interest some more and if they aren’t then it means the economy is happy and has enough money in its tummy. Nobody likes a hangry economy.

Spandex-wearing grapple freak Jim Jordan this week ordered House Judiciary Committee staff to begin working with the Appropriations Committee on restricting funding to the Justice Department and FBI as revenge for prosecuting his Orange Allah, CNN’s Melanie Zanona reports.

For those keeping score at home, a top Republican in Congress wants to kneecap a federal department responsible for protecting Americans from drug cartels, human traffickers, ISIS/Al-Qaeda terrorists, serial killers, organized crime syndicates, cyberterrorists, ponzi schemers, you name it, all because the fat degenerate game show host they worship got caught stealing classified documents to keep them in a bathroom at his shitty catering hall in south Florida.

You have to be pretty fucking demented to think the public servants at the Justice Department actually wanted this. Did some FBI agents maybe get a little personal enjoyment out of raiding Mar-a-Lago last summer? Of course a few probably did, just as they might enjoy nailing a mafia boss or some asshole hacker. But it would be a safe bet that, from Merrick Garland on down, that the vast majority of the men and women of the department would have preferred that Trump never forced their hand and put them in this situation where they get accused of being a “Stalinist Gestapo” while they’re just trying to do their jobs. They surely would have been much happier if Trump just dropped dead of a heart attack years ago, sparing them from all this bullshit and headaches.

Which, now that we mention it, is something they have in common with Republicans in Congress, many of whom also secretly wish Trump would shed his flabby orange mortal coil. The DOJ and GOP are probably actually on the same page with that, even if they’re not going to say it publicly.

Adhering to the old “Never interrupt your enemy,” President Joe Biden has told White House, Democratic National Committee, and his own campaign staff to, for the time being at least, avoid talking about fat former President Trump’s indictment as much as possible, Politico reports.

Now of course the fanboys are going to read this and take the deliberate silence as “confirmation” that Biden is just trying to “wipe his fingerprints off” of his direct meddling in the case or some shit, but it’s not like they’d be happier if Joe was spiking the football on their faces either. Politico’s piece gets into a lot of back and forth among Dems, with some sources calling the decision “political malpractice” as if there won’t be plenty of time and opportunities to apply salt to the wounds.

Yeah, this is National Zero’s third Trumpmas and the third time we’re using the same silly meme we slapped together in 2021. Some jokes are too hard to top. And what Midjourney AI churned out when asked for a “MAGAtivity Scene” was likely too disturbing for our readers. Anyway, congrats to the leftist Grinches who voted the Orange Jesus out in 2020, making him vulnerable to the prosecutions he now faces, especially the espionage charges he was booked for on Trumpmas Eve. You woke heathens helped completely ruined this year’s Trumpmas for all the pagan cultists who celebrate it.

A new Democratic PAC aimed at taking down Canadian immigrant Ted Cruz in the 2024 election will launch Wednesday with “several” million dollars in its war chest, Axios reports. The group, which isn’t backing likely Dem primary frontrunner Colin Allred or any other candidate just yet, is focused on savaging Cruz over his now-infamous escape to Cancun during the brtual February 2021 winter storm-induced blackout and linking him to impeached Picasso-faced Attorney General Ken Paxton.

“I think one of the few times that Americans across the aisle are united is when we’re talking about how much we dislike Ted Cruz,” said “Lose Cruz” senior adviser and activist Olivia Julianna.

It is hard to understand how Republican Texans actually affirmatively like Ted Cruz. Even with other GOP Senators such as Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, and Mitt Romney who are derided as “RINOs” in the MAGA media you can still see how they maintain solid support in their respective states. McConnell is the dark lord while Graham is a skilled retail politician. Romney is effectively the political leader of the Mormon Church. They all have their own distinct “brand.” Ted Cruz is just a fucking nerd and a detestable worm whose appeal to “masculine” right wing cowboy types is perplexing. Taking him down will still be a tall order, especially on a ballot with disgraced former President Trump on the top of it. Colin Allred just might be the guy to do it.

“President Trump may not even have to campaign in the next couple months when the economy reveals its real numbers and banking system gets hit in the fall. While many of Bidens supporters are currently breaking into cars in the evenings while people are sleeping and playing womens sports as males, when the rent gets too high and food costs too much they may beg for Trumps return”

– The current top comment on the Fox News story “Protester in prison costume detained after rushing Trump’s motorcade outside Miami courthouse,” posted late Tuesday. Kind of says a lot that some moronic liberal attention whore in a stupid costume getting arrested in such an embarrassing fashion didn’t even register with the commenter, let alone elicit a laugh out of them. It comes across like a typed version happy thoughts mumbled by a traumatized person in a fugue state, arms wrapped around their knees, rocking back and forth on the floor of a darkened closet.

A Michigan judge on Monday ordered QAnon freak state Republican Party Chair Kristina Karamo to pay the Detroit $58,459 to cover legal fees incurred over her bullshit lawsuit against the city trying to outlaw absentee voting filed just prior to election day last year, when Karamo lost the Secretary of State race to incumbent Dem Jocelyn Benson by 14 percent, the AP reports.

“Plaintiffs merely threw out the allegation of ‘corruption in Detroit’ as the reason for disregarding the Michigan Constitution in this state’s largest city,” wrote Wayne County Circuit Court Judge Timothy Kenny in a lawsuit he said was “rife with speculation, an absence of facts and a lack of understanding of Michigan election statutes and Detroit absentee ballot procedures.”

Another victim of Trump-lovin’ MMA fighter and noted misogynist Andrew Tate has been identified by Romanian prosecutors, raising the count to seven women and prompting prosecutors to upgrade the original human trafficking charge to a more-serious “human trafficking in a continuing form” (that obviously doesn’t translate to English adequately) against Tate and his three co-defendants, including his brother.

According to the Daily Beast, Tate was taken into custody after his arrest in December when he made himself slightly relevant by ineffectively trolling environmental activist Greta Thunberg, who replied with an epic “smalldickenergy@getalife.com” response.  His brief spike in notoriety reportedly led internet sleuths to figure out his location thanks to a pizza box–okay, true or not, it’s still a good story–leading to more than three months in custody before being released to house arrest.  The increase in charge may lead to another stint in county for the MAGAt influencer.

“What’s happened to the public’s trust in institutions is, I think, far more significant than a bunch of documents being kept sloppily in a bathroom,” Trump advisor and Fox host Laura Ingrahm says to Peter Theil beneficiary Ohio Senator JD Vance.  “We now have the American people (ik, ak, ik) at least half the country believing they can’t trust the FBI, the Justice Department.  How significant is that?  And again, do your Republican colleagues realize what this indictment is gonna do to that?”

David Walls-Kaufman, a 66-year-old Maryland chiropractor, was sentenced to two months in prison for misdemeanor charges stemming from his participation in the January 6th Republican-led domestic terrorist attack on Congress, but he will face a court again soon in a civil suit for the death of a DC Metropolitan Police officer, the Washington Post reports.

Thirty-five-year-old Jeffrey Smith took his own life days after suffering a brain injury when a domestic terrorist took his baton and swung it against Smith’s exposed face.  A group of online investigators poring through photos, online video and security footage identified Walls-Kaufman as one of two men who attacked Smith.  Unfortunately, prosecutors determined they did not have enough conclusive evidence to reach beyond a reasonable doubt and opted not to charge him, so Smith’s widow is taking him to civil court where the burden of proof is lower.

Fulton County, Georgia Sheriff Pat Labat on Tuesday confirmed to WSB-TV on Tuesday that he’d sent a team to Miami to observe cops there handle the crowds of crazy MAGA assholes protesting outside the courthouse as fat former President Trump was booked on charges, anticipating that his deputies will have to end up doing the same in Georgia in just a few short months.

“We’re being very proactive about our approach. We’re doing a really good job of reading tomorrow’s newspaper today, understanding what safety and security looks like. So we are prepared holistically,” said Labat, also mentioning that he’d sent a team to New York back in April.

At 8:15 on Tuesday Trump will hold a mini-rally at his New Jersey club (also ten weeks exactly after the last very cranky post-arrest speech). Our live update feed continues below.

With an assist from “art”-ificial intelligence, Paul McCartney was able to complete one final collaboration with his Beatles songwriting partner John Lennon forty years after the latter’s murder, the New York Times reports.

McCartney says he used a demo of a song Lennon did in the late 1970s to use as a way to “collaborate” on the unfinished song, believed to be called “Now and Then.”  After Lennon’s death, the three surviving Beatles–George Harrison, Ringo Starr and McCartney–completed two other songs on that demo reel, but “Now and Then” remained unfinished.  The songs, “Free As a Bird” and “Real Love,” weren’t released until the mid-1990’s.

Saying he used AI like a mixing board as he would in a studio, McCartney said he was able to finish the threads Lennon had laid down on tape decades before.  It’s unclear if Sir Paul was using the technology to complete lyrics, tunes or as a way of riffing.

Freshman Republican Ohio Senator and guy Nancy Pelosi regularly shoves in a locker JD Vance vowed to punish the Department of Justice for the arraignment of indicted real estate developer Donald Trump by putting a hold on all political appointees for the Department, NBC News reports.

The outrage Vance demonstrates shows how little he understands about the justice system:  the arraignment was a Constitutionally-guaranteed by-the-book process where Trump was formally charged with the charges, announced last week.  So this bit of performance art is not just late, but also dangerous, given the FBI handles national security issues as well as domestic crimes.

Want a laugh after a not at all hard day of news? Great! Check out these scorching hot takes from back when the case against Trump was “doomed” because Joe unintentionally took documents too:

“The discovery of classified government documents in President Biden’s Wilmington, Del., garage should spell the end of any realistic prospect of criminal charges against former president Donald Trump over his Mar-a-Lago portfolio of pilferage” – January 13 piece by Washington Post Deputy opinion Editor Dave Von Drehle titled “If the Mar-a-Lago case collapses? Disaster dodged, America.”

“The news that the Justice Department is reviewing Obama Era classified documents found at a think tank tied to President Biden is quite a political gift to Donald Trump” – Chuck Todd on January 10th in a piece titled “Classified Biden documents hand political gift to Trump, GOP.”

“If you take the purely legalistic side of it and you get into the optics and the politics, what happened here is going to make it almost impossible to charge Donald Trump with any violation of classified documents” – CNN legal analyst John Miller on January 10th, transcript via Mediaite.

“Iiittss on the levelll,” Larry Kudlow slurs, talking about audio recordings Republicans claim incriminate President Joe Biden in some type of bribery scheme involving Ukraine.  Or is it Hungary?  “It sounds on the thlevel.  Ya follow?  Yesh just can’t make this stuff up with thith much dethail and spethificithy.”

Now I’m not saying Larry Kudlow drinks.  I mean, it could be loose dentures.  Or a four-martini lunch.  Or scotch.  Maybe a small aneurysm.  Or his lunch buddies:  Jack, Johnnie and Jim.  But still, was Larry in a drunken haze since Artificial Intelligence swept through the web since the beginning of the year, creating everything from new novels to frameable art?  And it’s not suspicious at all that Kudlow jumps on board with the authenticity of evidence seemingly no one has admitted hearing.  So obviously, it’s legit enough for Fox.