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First off, China is believed to execute thousands of convicts a year, and drug trafficking is a capital offense, it’s been that way for decades. Second, really try to imagine the implications of the shit Trump is saying here. If he had evidence that Biden got the ChiComs to renege on a deal to prevent fentanyl exports then wouldn’t that be quite possibly the biggest scandal in the history of right wing media? Wouldn’t this have been round-the-clock coverage on Fox News, Breitbart, Newsmax, and all the rest from day one in 2021? How the fuck is something that should be a very, very, very big story in the MAGAverse just casually mentioned in one of these bullshit “Agenda 47” videos?

It’s one thing for the fat bastard to lie to his fans about the “rigged election” because that galvanizes them to feel victimized and treat Biden as illegitimate. What the hell kind of similar purpose could this lie ever serve now, at this point going on three years later? The cynical Trump fanboys who admit he’s full of shit always say there’s some “greater truth” behind the lies. They knew, for example, the “free crack pipes” story was bullshit but they loved it because it was the kind of lie that resonates with low-info voters who don’t know any better. So how does this half-assed allegation of an apocalyptic scandal do the same? Is admitting he failed to reveal this “truth” really going to do anything whatsoever to help move the ball down the field against Biden and the Democrats in 2024?

DC Circuit Judge Amit Mehta on Thursday sentenced top-level Oath Keepers member Roberto Minuta to 4.5 years in prison following his conviction on the seditious conspiracy charge for his involvement in the January 6th, 2021 MAGA insurrection at the US Capitol, Reuters reports.

The real life version of Stand by Me detailed in a Detroit News story titled “Ann Arbor police warn against jumping into river from bridges after emergency train stop” was not nearly as colorful as would be described by one of the four young protagonists’ future selves in Richard Dreyfuss’s voice.

First off, the Amtrak train actually stopped on Wednesday and the engineer got out to yell at the boys for being on the rail bridge over the Huron River – how the hell the train actually stopped isn’t clear – which quickly turned into a physical confrontation with the boys (described as “young men” in the story) shoving the engineer. The boys then yelled something about seeing a drowned or drowning body in the river as they ran away, but a search by rescue personnel turned up nothing.

And that’s it. There was no movie-within-a-movie about Lardass winning the pie-eating contest, a confrontation with Ace Merill and his gang of greasers, or lamenting how Chris had turned his life around and gotten a law degree before getting his throat slashed at a McDonald’s. There are no larger lessons about life to draw from this, except the Ann Arbor Police reminding locals to stay off the train tracks at all times even if you think Ray Brower’s body is out there somewhere.

To be ever so slightly fair the reporter was more than a little obnoxious with the question and who among us wouldn’t be like “Shut the fuck up” after getting nagged like that while trying to engage with others. Yet this is life Ron chose and not being able to keep his cool in such a situation is yet another bad sign for his nascent but already deeply struggling bid for the White House.

Of course the “Trump War Room” already retweeted this clip, as if his minions never literally used a doctored video of a reporter “assaulting” a staffer as a pretext to get him thrown out of the White House for asking a question too persistently, or many, many, many similarly testy episodes.

In a long but very excellent piece echoing their December story about the low-energy Republican ground game in Nevada, NBC News opens with an anecdote from last fall about a paid canvasser in the Las Vegas Valley who was marking off addresses on an app meant to track the doors they had knocked on to drum up support for Republican former state Attorney General Adam Laxalt’s campaign challenging incumbent Dem Senator Catherine Cortez-Masto. Problem was that the canvasser, employed by an outside group backing Laxalt, was sitting inside Caesar’s Palace, eight miles away from the street they were marking off as visiting, an example of millions of dollars pissed away by Republicans on such paid efforts last year with little to no return to show for it.

Multiple Republican operatives told NBC this was far from an isolated incident and they said there were plenty of other examples of falsified canvassing data, stemming from the GOP’s reliance on paid street teams rather than volunteers who actually want to be there and get their candidates elected (like Democrats). “That’s why we’re losing elections. Nobody wants to admit it,” one Republican field canvassing ops chief said. Another estimated that typically as 10 to 20 percent of GOP-paid canvassers end up getting fired in an average campaign. What’s worse is that faked data fucks everything upstream, causing campaigns to invest in targeting voters who may not even exist. “If the base data is bad, it’s a disaster for campaigns everywhere,” a field operative told NBC.

Former George Santos aide Derek Myers, who previously alleged he was sexually harassed by the lying piece of shit Congressman and is also reportedly a government witness in at least part of the federal criminal case against Santos, told the House Ethics Committee investigators in an interview on Wednesday that he had to pay over $1,000 to Santos’s top lieutenant Vish Burra before he was able to land the job on the former Brazilian drag queen’s staff, the Associated Press reports.

Meyers provided text messages and receipts as evidence of the payments, including one exchange when Burra told him to “send more pizza,” which was code for Venmo payments. Weird how Santos’s staff would use the same code word Hillary and her minions did for child sacrifice victims in 2016.

We’ll give the old timer this much: He’s not so senescent that he can’t come up with a backup excuse for this shitshow and try to make it sound like he and Comer are conducting just regular maintenance, surprise health department inspection-type oversight of the FBI. But that’s all he’s got and in this short clip Grassley he effectively admitted that the Rudy Giuliani-sourced FD-1023 document alleging a “Biden bribery scheme” is recycled bullshit and doesn’t even come close to being politically or legally actionable evidence of a criminal offense committed by Joe or Hunter.

Put Latvia on the same list as Bud Light, Target, Kohl’s, the Trump campaign store, and Chick-fil-A now that the small Baltic state’s Parliament have elected Edgars Rinkevics to the presidency as the European Union’s first-ever openly gay head of state, the Washington Post reports.

Hear that fanboys? Latvia is endorsing an un-Christian lifestyle and should be boycotted. Toss out all your Kliņģeris sweet pretzels, traditional oven-baked Latvian rye bread loaves, and Jāņi sour milk cheeses. Burn your Helvijs Lūsis olympic bobsledding jerseys. Cancel your plans to visit the Vērmane Garden and the Riga antenna (third highest broadcast tower in Europe). Vote with your wallet and tell Latvia to go fuck themselves for going all Pride month on you.

Last year’s 6-3 conservative Supreme Court decision striking down New York State’s gun carry laws might have an unintended political consequence for MAGA world as it calls into question a potential charge Hunter Biden is facing for lying about drug use on his application, Politico reports, adding that Hunter’s lawyers have already signaled to prosecutors they’ll fight the charge on the grounds that the 2022 NYSRPA v Bruen decision shot up such requirements for permits.

While it’s certainly morally questionable for Hunter Biden to try to fight this charge and save his own ass make it easier for any drug-addicted psychopath to obtain a weapon, not at all that different from fat former President Trump trying and failing to get the New York adult rape survivor’s law ruled as unconstitutional before EJ Carroll successfully sued him under it, we would also add that if it wasn’t going to be Hunter then it would’ve been some meth-addicted red state hick taking it on sooner or later. Then there’s the entertainment value in seeing fanboys twisted in knots over not being able to apply their usual simplistic binaries to a “GUNS GOOD, HUNTER BIDEN BAD” situation.

We try not to double-dip on the same story whenever we can but late on Wednesday the Guardian followed up on CNN’s reporting about a July 2021 audio recording obtained by Jack Smith’s team in which disgraced former President Trump described a document containing the military’s wargaming of an attack on Iran and found an extremely damning new detail: That the fat bastard explicitly said, on tape, that he should have declassified the file before he left office earlier that year.

For those keeping score at home, this means that federal prosecutors now have unambiguous proof that not only did Trump know he wasn’t supposed to have it, but his “I declassified everything” defense is complete bullshit and that he knew it. We’re not lawyers, but that sounds like the kind of thing where a judge would even rule against allowing it to be argued in front of a jury.

.@GovRonDeSantis says Hunter Biden 'would have been in jail years ago' if he were a Republican https://t.co/Hylw1lsfOR

— Fox News (@FoxNews) June 1, 2023

Fresh off weeks of taking flak from far-right transphobes for a single decorated can sent to a transgender social media influencer, Bud Light will hear more conservative brain cells pop as it announces it is renewing its partnership with the national LGBTQ Chamber of Commerce, the group the certifies LGBTQ-owned business and LGBTQ-supportive businesses, The Street reports.

“Bud Light was brewed to be an ‘Easy to Drink, Easy to Enjoy’ beer for everyone 21+ and that still holds true today,” the company said in a statement. “We look forward to extending our work with the NGLCC to continue making a positive impact on the LGBTQ+ businesses that play a critical role in bringing people everywhere, together.”  The Chamber said some of Bud Light’s $200,000 payment will go to sponsor a start-up pitch competition for LGBTQ-owned or -focused businesses.

Some estimates put the cost of the conservative boycott of the Bud Light brand at $15 billion based on year-over-year sales, AB InBev reported a first-quarter revenue increase of 13% as well as an overall increase in sales volume of 1%.

This is some inside baseball shit we don’t normally cover, but Axios reports that putative House Speaker Kevin McCarthy on Wednesday came to House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries with hat in hand, asking for Dem help in passing the “rule” phase of the debt ceiling bill. Traditionally the majority is supposed to go it alone in passing the rule but the vote did not end up that way and required the support of 52 Dems. McCarthy gave away what Axios describes as boosts to “federal spending set aside for projects in Democrats’ districts, what’s known as earmarks or ‘community project funding,’ according to two senior lawmakers,” adding that there may be more to it. So HR 3746’s passage appears to be an even bigger win for Democrats than initially thought.

In related news CNN’s Manu Raju reports Colorado MAGA Congressman Ken Buck threw quite the fucking hissy fit after the vote on Wednesday night. “My constituents are furious and you know what’s so interesting about the calls in the district? They are not only ‘vote against this bill,’ but they are ‘take McCarthy out.’ That’s what the calls are coming in,” said Buck in a possibly tearful rage.

Trump Mar-a-Lago docs shitshow defense lawyer Jim Trusty didn’t do great on CNN Wednesday night. Just before this car crash with Kaitlan Collins, Trusty told other anchor Abby Phillip he’s not going to “try the case in the media” as if that wasn’t exactly what the fuck he was doing on television at an hour when he could be at home drinking whiskey. Trusty then told Phillip he’s not going to get into how he can prove in court that Trump actually declassified the documents he stole. Then with Collins he claimed that Trump somehow, in some way that Trusty can’t really describe, had very quickly declassified the information while he was on the ground at Mar-a-Lago just minutes before Biden was sworn in at noon on January 20th, 2021. Really compelling stuff here.

Our long national nightmare of tedious, repetitive political news coverage of the debt ceiling bill negotiations and all that shit is finally over, as the House officially passed HR 3746 by 314 to 117 on Wednesday night. The bill now heads to the Senate, where its passage later this week or early next is likely a mere formality given Minority Leader Moscow Mitch’s endorsement. By party, 165 Dems voted yes to 46 no, while among Republicans it was 149 yes to 71 no, with 3 absent each. Note this was a GOP-sponsored bill and more Dems voted for it than Republicans. Goddamned jackasses.

South Korean intel analysts have estimated fat North Korean dictator’s weight to be 308 pounds, an awfully exact number there’s nevertheless no real reason to doubt, Reuters reports.

“He appeared tired with clear dark circles around his eyes during his public appearance on May 16, and was estimated to weigh over 140 kilograms according to AI analysis,” said South Korean Intel Committee MP Yoo Sang-bum on Wednesday, adding the morbidly obese 39 year-old despot appears to have a severe sleeping disorder and is heavily addicted to nicotine and alcohol.

Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith’s team leaked even more details about the incriminating shit that fat former President Trump and his sycophants did to try to conceal his theft of classified documents from the White House after his humiliating defeat in the 2020 election to Joe Biden on Wednesday, in this one they tell the New York Times about their attempts to tamper with Mar-a-Lago security camera footage relevant to their attempts to hide the stolen materials.

We should probably get a “Trump indicted over classified documents theft” pre-write ready and be super extra careful not to click “publish” because we’ve been known to fuck up with that sometimes.

You will not be shocked to learn that the FD-1023 form – which is a tip sheet literally anyone can submit – that House Oversight dipshit James Comer is about to hold FBI Director Chris Wray in contempt for not handing over was sent to the FBI back in 2020 by none other than Rudy Giuliani and not even then-Attorney General Bill Barr took it seriously, CNN’s Zachary Cohen reports.

So basically the same kind of shit Trump got impeached over back in 2019, meaning dubious evidence of Biden criminality that originated from Russian-allied Ukrainian scumbags, is the basis of the “tip” that Comer thinks is evidence that Biden took a $5 million bribe from Romania as Vice President. We would say that you really can’t make this stuff up, but Republicans did just that and now demand to be taken seriously over it after four years of the same shit over and over again.

It also says a lot about how valuable Rudy is to House Republicans these days. That drunken shitbrain would (probably) still have copies of this “evidence” and would probably happily hand it over at any time, even testify under oath at a hearing to its “veracity,” but even Comer knows how much of a mess he is and how he’d find some interesting new way to fuck it up, so instead they go this long tortuous route of making it into an “FBI cover-up” they can just keep milking for attention.

“It’s just more proof that when it comes to President Trump, there are absolutely no depths to which they will not sink as they pursue their witch hunts. The DOJ’s continued interference in the presidential election is shameful and this meritless investigation should cease wasting the American taxpayer’s money on Democrat political objectives,” said one of fat former President Trump’s minions in a statement responding to Wednesday’s pretty damning report on audio of their Orange Allah talking about stealing classified documents about the military’s war gaming an attack on Iran.

Scientologist and That 70’s Show actor Danny Masterson was found guilty on two counts of rape in a Los Angeles County court on Wednesday, anti-Scientology blogger Tony Ortega reports. This was Masterson’s second trial after the jury hung on all counts in the first one back in November.

The jury hung on a third count Wednesday. All the rapes occurred in the early-2000s, when Masterson was at the height of his “fame” on the popular sitcom, giving him the position to abuse younger, female Scientology cult members. The now-former members have also filed a lawsuit against the “church” over a campaign of harassment that began with the accusations in 2017.