Editor’s Note:  While we’re posting this for two consecutive nights, that will not be the habit with this feature.  But with the Kevin McCarthy Record-Setting National Facepalm Tour ’22 going into Day 3 and dominating coverage, it seems appropriate to run.  

• Irish regulator fines Facebook’s parent company $414 million (€390 million) for violations of nation’s privacy laws.  (Reuters)
• So-called “mastermind” of the college admissions scandal that falsified transcripts to get rich kids into prestigious colleges was sentenced to 3½ years in prison.  (BBC)
• With a new Democratic governor, the Arizona container wall is coming down.  It was one-third complete and would’ve used 3,000 containers costing $95 million when finished. (Reuters via Yahoo)
• Democratic California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a statewide state of emergency to prepare for incoming storms. (CA Governor’s Office)
• And finally… an Australian cow that had to be rescued after getting trapped in a Sydney-area mall had to be rescued again less than 24-hours later after getting stuck in a giant mud puddle.  (Gov’t of New South Wales)

Outside two South Philadelphia public schools, officials found messages saying “Let the Kids Breathe,” “No Masks,” and “Kids, Don’t Wear Your Mask” painted on the sidewalk as the city school district is reinstituted a mask mandate, the Philadelphia Inquirer reports.

Philadelphia School Superintendent Tony B. Watlington Sr. announced in December that students and staff will have to wear masks from January 3rd to January 13th to reduce the risk of a post-holiday disease outbreak as the coronavirus, the flu and RSV spread through the country.  Last year, post-holiday outbreaks forced more than 100 schools in Philadelphia to go to complete virtual schedules, causing problems for parents and teachers.

School staff were able to remove some of the graffiti that was on school grounds before students arrived at the two K-8 schools, which are located about two blocks apart.

After the Food and Drug Administration reclassified an abortion pill to allow for retail distribution, two of the largest brick-and-mortar pharmacy chains in the nation announced they will carry the drug mifepristone, USA Today reports.

On Tuesday, the FDA relaxed rules on the dispensement of mifepristone, which previously was only allowed to be provided to a patient at a doctor’s office or clinic.  Now, patients with a prescription for the drug can obtain it at retail locations or through mail-order pharmacies.

Walgreens and CVS announced Wednesday that the chains will undertake the certification process necessary to dispense the drug at their retail locations.  Patients will need to obtain a doctor’s prescription and the stores will only dispense the drug in states where the law clearly allows its use because of restrictions on abortion.

A former female employee of alcoholic shitbrain Rudy Giuliani has filed a lawsuit claiming the disgraced former New York City mayor acted like a fucking abusive maniac whilst they were having an affair (shocker), demanding sexual favors, going on drunken racist rants, and using his ties to fat former ex-President Trump in threats of retaliation against her going public, the Daily Beast reports.

“Rudolph W. Giuliani, the former US Attorney, once hailed as ‘America’s Mayor,’ is a sexist sexual predator and abuser,” Noelle Dunphy wrote in a Wednesday filing in New York Supreme Court, adding “Giuliani threatened [Dunphy] with further retaliation if she did not stay silent, stating that his private investigators and political connections to President Trump enabled him to retaliate in other ways, express and implied.” When asked to comment by the Beast, Rudy of course denied the allegations, but did not address whether or not the affair actually happened.

The US Marine Corps has denied enlistment to a delayed-entry “poolee” from Florida after photos of the recruit attending a rally for the neo-Nazi group Patriot Front appeared online, Task & Purpose reports.

Christopher Semok signed enlistment papers with the Marines September 21st, scheduling his induction for later in the year.  However, in November, the Corps became aware of photos on social media showing Semok attending at least one rally for the white supremacist anti-Semitic group in Orlando.  In December, the Corps opened a “preliminary inquiry” into the episode, during which Semok admitted one-time membership in the group, stating he ended his affiliation a month before signing the enlistment papers.

“The Marine Corps takes allegations of racism, fascism and other forms of discrimination seriously and, in the case of Mr. Semok, RS [Recruiting Station] Tampa found it was in the best interest of national security to not let Mr. Semok remain within the DEP [Delayed Entry Program],” the Marine Corps said in a statement.

Normally, I would transcribe a clip like this, but I encourage you to listen to this clip with the volume up.  (Wear headphones if your significant other, child or pet cannot listen to either Hannity or Boebert without projectile vomit.) But this is unique in the Right Wing Mediasphere:  Hannity tears into Boebert and the Tantrum Caucus, and the voices steadily rising, Hannity continually slapping his desk while fibbing, “I’m not frustrated!” and the look in Boebert’s eyes as she realizes Hannity is turning on her.

A deal reported by Punchbowl News (linked by PBN’s Jake Sherman, but it’s behind their paywall, so don’t bother) has the Kevin McCarthy-aligned SuperPAC Congressional Leadership Fund promising not to spend money in open seats that are in safe Republican districts.  In return, the disruptive Club for Growth, which backs many of the Tantrum Caucus members, agreed to not fund challengers or negative ads against incumbents in Republican primaries.

The latter was a needle in the side of Kevin McCarthy as he tried to build a bigger Republican House caucus; radical candidates the Club for Growth supported likely scared away voters, throwing competitive seats to Democrats.  And the Tantrum Caucus doesn’t want “establishment” Republicans to knock out radical-right candidates from the primaries by flooding the zone with money from GOP leadership who can grow their ranks and REALLY screw up Congress.

Why this deal encouraged Tantrum Caucus members to vote for McCarthy’s request for a proto-House adjournment is a mystery (not really) given that SuperPACs are supposed to operate independently of any specific candidate.  But somehow, it reportedly did make a difference, and these SuperPACs’ spending seems to be a deciding factor on the operation of the Republican-led House.

All options are on the table. pic.twitter.com/bSf5aZUIoR

— Lauren Boebert (@laurenboebert) January 5, 2023

Elderly granny Republican Louisiana Senator John Kennedy announced Wednesday he won’t be running for governor next year, Politico reports to the disappointment of those wishing to see his saggy, vaguely androgynous face and hearing his deeply exaggerated southern hick accent.

Wednesday is day two of the ongoing car crash of the House Republican caucus’s inability to elect a Speaker of The House, an historic failure that has at least a small chance of being over before it starts as an unknown number of MAGA Congressworms reportedly will attempt to vote to adjourn until Thursday. Either way, stick with us as we cheer this clusterfuck of right wing “governance.”

“What we’re asking is that they listen to their hearts, also start listening to their intellect and their brain,” Republican Iowa Congresswoman and schoolmarm-in-training Mariannette Miller-Meeks pleads to the members of the Temper Tantrum Caucus, making the leap that they do, actually, have brains before pivoting to the most lukewarm endorsement in history2.  “And I would implore people in our districts to give us the concession that because we are here and we’re voting for Kevin McCarthy, there are reasons that we do so, that we think that he is the best person to be the Speaker at this time, and for them to trust in us that we know that.”

Attorneys for new Florida 13th District Republican Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna recently sent a letter threatening Roger Stone acolyte Matt Tito, a potential 2024 primary opponent, with legal action if he doesn’t retract a claim that Luna practices witchcraft made on the syndicated “Bubba the Love Sponge” morning radio show back in August, the Daily Beast reports.

“I am sending you this letter because of the defamatory statements you made about Ms. Luna on the Show… You said that Ms. Luna (a devout Christian) practices witchcraft… You are hereby demanded to publicly and immediately retract each and every defamatory statement you made about Ms. Luna on the show. Because you do not have the ability to distribute your retraction widely on your social media, you are demanded to apologize and retract your statements on the Bubba the Love Sponge Show or by making a retraction and apology video that you send to me that Ms. Luna will distribute via her social media,” Luna’s attorney wrote in the cease and desist-y letter to Tito.

The rumors of Luna’s dabbling in sorcery do not appear to have originated with Tito per the Beast, who quoted several other MAGA D-listers as having heard them. Luna herself in 2021 accused Stone and Tito of conspiring to murder her via poisoning, which could either be complete bullshit or 100% accurate since they’re all fucking crazy. Luna allegedly falsely claimed her great grandfather was personally executed by Pancho Villa 15 years after Villa’s death, moonlighted as a stripper while serving in the Air Force, changed her name to sound more Latina, and has filed for frivolous orders of protection against all sorts of people, including her own uncle, so it’s not clear why Tito picked “witchcraft” to smear her when he had much more substantiated batshittery to work with.

He also claimed Luna had an affair with Matt Gaetz, which is obviously bullshit. She’s 33 years old.

The Subway® location in the Rayburn House Office Building has announced it will stay open an extra hour Wednesday to accommodate members and staff seeking nourishment from an All-American Club®, Meatball Marinara Melt®, Italian BMT®, or other Subway classics after a hard day of voting for or against Kevin McCarthy and ahead of at least a few more hours of this tedious dysfunction. The Rayburn Subway will now close at 7 PM EST rather than the usual 6 PM EST.

*National Zero is not affiliated with Subway IP LLC or any of its subsidiares, affiliates, or franchisees in any way. This notice is strictly for informational purposes and does not constitute an endorsement of Subway IP LLC or its products. We think Subway sucks and wish Quizno’s was still around. We would totally advertise them for free without this sort of bullshit disclaimer. All rights reserved.

Two recent Biden Administration decisions make it easier for patients to get abortion medications through the US Postal Service even in states that pass laws restricting the use of such medicines, ABC News reports.

On Wednesday, the Food and Drug Administration determined that one of the medications, mifepristone, can be dispensed by local pharmacies if prescribed by a physician, a sign that the safety of the drug is high enough that it doesn’t have to be dispensed at a doctor’s office.  Because only the FDA, not state governments, can permit or bar the distribution of prescription drugs through retail outlets, restrictive state governments will not be able to bar the potential sale of such drugs.  It also allows patients to get the drug delivered to their homes instead of having to go to a retail pharmacy.

The administration followed that up with a Justice Department opinion today that the US Postal Service is allowed to deliver reproductive health medications, even in states where laws bar the use of such medications.  The decision says that because the sender cannot know if the product will be used illegally, the USPS is obligated to deliver the package; the patient could, the opinion essentially asserts, go to a state where the drug is legal before ingesting it, so the delivery is not illegal.  The decision pre-emptively asserts the government’s position that such shipments do not violate the 1873 Comstock Act, which bans the shipment of things that may be used for “obscene” purposes such as  contraceptives, substances that induce abortion, pornographic content, sex toys and any written material about these items.

Spotted during a down time on the House floor:  accused child sex trafficker from Florida Matt Gaetz, a member of the Temper Tantrum Caucus blocking the Party’s appointee, and incoming Congressman whose relationship with the truth made him a natural-born Republican George Santos, who supports Speaker-un-designate six-time loser Kevin McCarthy.  This reporter can’t tell what their discussion is about, but neither should believe a word from the other.

As a press scramble as he boarded Air Force One after his infrastructure announcement at the Brent Spence Bridge that joins Ohio and Kentucky, President Joe Biden said he intends to visit the southern border next week.

Fox reports Biden was asked about a Wall Street Journal article about him considering a trip to tour the southern border, and he replied, “That is my intention.”

President Joe Biden visited Covington, Kentucky, across the Ohio River from Cincinnati, to promote his infrastructure policies that will fund the renovation of a local bridge over which materials accounting for 3% of US GDP travels each year, WLWT NBC 5 in Cincinnati reports.

Opened in 1963, the Brent Spence Bridge has been in serious need of repair for more than two decades.  Originally designed to carry a three-lane roadway on each of two levels, the layout of the bridge has been altered to eliminate emergency lanes to expand to eight total lanes to increase capacity.  The bridge has been repeatedly closed as chunks of concrete have dislodged from the top roadway, crashing onto the lower level.

Officials have tried for decades to develop a plan to renovate and update the structure, but with no success.  The Biden Administration included $1.6 billion for the vital span in his landmark $550 billion infrastructure bill, the Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act, passed by Congress in November 2021.

Nearly two months after being appointed Special Counsel to investigate the January 6th Republican-led domestic terrorist attack on Congress, Jack Smith has arrived in Washington, DC from his previous job at The Hague, Reuters reports.

Smith had been waylaid since his appointment by Attorney General Merrick Garland due to his recovery from surgery after a knee injury sustained while biking; Smith is an avid triathlete.  Smith was in The Hague as a chief war crimes prosecutor for events in the Kosovo War.

Garland appointed Smith as a way of insuring independent investigation and prosecution for those Republican politicians and their supporters who planned, supported and abetted the attack on the Constitution, including the plan by Donald Trump and his minions to overturn the legitimate results of the 2020 presidential election and the subsequent attack by right-wing insurrectionists.

A group of House Republicans will on Wednesday attempt to call a vote to adjourn before the chamber’s fourth round of voting on Speaker, pushing it off until Thursday as they try to unfuck this moronic situation, Punchbowl’s Jake Sherman reports. Sherman adds that Dem leaders will whip against the adjournment, meaning the GOP needs to get to 218 on their own.