The 94-year-old spouse of evangelical zealot Pat Robertson died Tuesday at her home in Virginia Beach, perhaps after an illness or because her soul was snatched by a demon who found a chink in her spiritual armor after nearly a century.

According to Politico, Dede Robertson met Pat at Yale University, where she was doing graduate work in nursing, in 1952, and became born-again a few months after her husband’s announcement.

“Mom was the glue that held the Robertson family together,” said Gordon Robertson, one of her four children, and the president and CEO of CBN. “She was always working behind the scenes. If it weren’t for Mom, there wouldn’t be a CBN.”

Colorado Republican Dave Williams, challenging incumbent Congressman Doug Lamborn in the June primary, sued Secretary of State Jen Griswold on Monday to force her to allow his name to appear as “Dave ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ Williams” on the ballot, the Colorado Post reports.

It’s extremely hard to write this without calling Williams a homophobic slur. Even just saying he’s a “cunt”, despite being accurate, doesn’t quite do this justice. With all due respect to our LGBT readers whom we would never want to alienate by denigrating them, this lawsuit is the gayest thing ever. Williams is not a homosexual, he’s just a a total bundle of sticks for wanting to have fucking “Let’s Go Brandon” in his name on the ballot. Sincere apologies for giving into our adolescent impulses here when trying to describe this fucking twatwaffle of a Republican.

A Columbus, Ohio doctor was found not guilty by a jury for providing high quantities of the painkiller fentanyl to fourteen hospital patients who all ended up dying, ABC News reports.

Dr. William Husel, 46, was charged in the deaths of the patients, all of whom were seeking care in Mount Carmel Health System, and each of whom was found to have been administered at least 500 micrograms of fentanyl within minutes of their deaths.

Husel has claimed that he was simply trying to ease the pain of terminally ill patients and that he was not attempting to cause their deaths.  Assisting a suicide is a felony in Ohio.

The Florida Senate on Wednesday ignored opponents’ objections citing damage to the state’s coffers and local taxpayers and voted 23 to 16 to revoke the Reedy Creek Improvement District that allows Disney World to self-govern its property in Central Florida, Florida’s Voice reports.

“They’re actually putting me on the witness stand on Friday. I am the first Republican member of Congress that is going to be forced to take the witness stand under oath and defend myself… I cannot believe I’m being forced to do this,” says the unfaithful wife, continuing to bitch over having to testify in her defense in a challenge to her eligibility for office under the 14th Amendment proscription on candidates determined to have engaged in sedition or rebellion.

Florida Gov Ron DeSantis’ plan to punish Disney for going all woke on him and opposing his “Don’t Say Gay” law by stripping their flagship theme park Disney World of its special jurisdictional status over its property in Central Florida could cost the state $2 billion in bond debt – adding $2,200 to the 2023 tax bills of homeowners in Orange and Osceola counties, InsideTheMagic.net reports.

“My concern is this bill essentially wipes away Disneys’ $2 billion of debt… if the legislative intent here is ultimately to attack them, then why would we want to cancel $2 billion of debt?” said Republican State Senator Jeff Brandes on Tuesday, who probably then got called a “groomer” by the patriots in the room for defending the pedophile predators at Disney.

“I have the ability to walk into the knife fight of the culture wars with more than just an index card. I know exactly how to play on the biggest stage there is – network television,” carpetbagging New Jerseyan Mehmet Oz claims, because the made-up “culture wars” the GOP is famous for demonstrates a lack of policy proposals that can impact the people of Pennsylvania, whose votes he seeks for a Senate seat.  So, no policy, just cult-like propaganda.

Remember the days when conservatives would preach about keeping government out of your bedroom, that government’s reach ended at your home’s doorstep?  The “culture wars” are a great big FU to American conservatism.

good morning i declare it hash brown day.

— Burger King (@BurgerKing) April 20, 2022

The premier professional tennis tournament Wimbledon has banned Russian and Belarusian players from the upcoming annual tournament in response to the Russian invasion of Ukraine and official Belarusian support for it, the Associated Press reports.

Two of the top ten men’s players and three of the top 20 women’s players are from Russia, and they will be barred from the tournament, the crown jewel of the Grand Slam tournaments.

A panel of American scientists, fully aware of the implications of such a public stance and the endless chortling it would draw, urged NASA to send a probe up to Uranus on Tuesday. “The Uranus Orbiter and Probe (UOP) should be the highest priority large mission,” says the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine in a press release on their decadal survey titled Origins, Worlds, and Life: A Decadal Strategy for Planetary Science and Astrobiology 2023-2032, adding “The UOP would conduct a multiyear orbital tour to transform knowledge of ice giants in general, and the Uranian system in particular, through flybys and the delivery of an atmospheric probe.” When discussing the report among themselves, the scientists probably went out of their way to pronounce the planet’s name as “YOUR-UH-NUS”, instead of “YOUR-ANUS” in a self-conscious gambit to avoid snickering about “probing” it. The main objective of a mission is to explore the possibilities of life forms crawling around in the gassy plumes of Uranus.

“The Enceladus Orbilander should be NASA’s second-highest priority large mission,” the press release also said, referring to a proposed mission to send an orbital probe equipped with a lander to Saturn’s sixth-largest moon, an icy world whose name is much easier to say with a straight face.

The US Secret Service reports a shooting Wednesday morning of an intruder at the residence of the Peruvian ambassador to the United States, the Associated Press reports.

A uniformed Secret Service agent on duty at the Emily J. Wilkins House, the official residence of Peruvian ambassador Luis Miguel Castilla Rubio, shot an intruder “following a confrontation.”  No officers were wounded, and the condition of the intruder was not reported.  The location of the ambassador was not noted.

A Connecticut state trooper was charged with manslaughter two years after he fired seven bullets into a Black driver seated in his car after a high speed chase, the Associated Press reports.

Brian North was allowed to turn himself in Tuesday night after being notified of the charges.  After booking, he was released on $50,000 bail and he was suspended by the police force; he had continued working as a trooper while the case was investigated.

Mubarak Soulemane had led police on a high-speed chase in January 2020 on Interstate 95 before being boxed in by police. An officer broke the passenger side window to allow another to fire a taser at Soulemane; the taser either malfunctioned or was ineffective.

Russian military leaders issued a deadline for Ukrainians still defending the besieged city of Mariupol to have them surrender by midnight (local time) one day after having issued a similar ultimatum but getting zero Ukrainians surrender, Reuters reports.

While Mariupol is largely in ruins due to consistent Russian shelling, an unknown number of Ukrainians have holed up in a Soviet-era steel plant that was built by the Soviets to be a bastion against a siege after the city fell to the Nazis in World War II.

After eight weeks, the Russians are making a renewed push in the east of Ukraine because offensive operations in the central part of the nation, specifically around the capital, Kyiv, have stagnated.  To try to break the stalemate at Mariupol, the Russians have continued rockets and artillery around the city, and they’ve reportedly use massive “bunker buster” bombs on the Azovstal steel plant.

Donald Trump is already 0-for-2 with his 2022 endorsements.  First, his selection for Pennsylvania Senate, Scott Parnell, dropped out of the race after reports of spousal abuse.  And for his second loss, Morgan Ortagus was removed from the ballot by the Tennessee Republican Party, NBC News reports.

Endorsed by Trump and his one-time State Department spokesperson and Fox News regular, Ortagus did not meet the residency requirements for the state.  Ortagus didn’t live in Tennessee until last year; she’s a native Floridian who had lived primarily in Washington, DC since 2007.

Ortagus is one of a number of carpetbaggers running for office under the Republican banner:  Texan Herschel Walker is running for the Senate nomination in Georgia, while New Jerseyan Mehmet Oz battle Connecticuter David McCormick battle it out for the GOP nomination for a Senate seat from Pennsylvania.

Meet Mallory McMorrow, a Democratic member of the Michigan Senate.  This morning, McMorrow saw a fundraising for her opponent in the upcoming election–and because of redistricting, a colleague of hers in the Senate, Republican Lana Theis.  The email explicitly accused McMorrow of being part of a “grooming” cult who supported pedophilia.

McMorrow took to the podium to not chastise Theis, but to demolish her policies, her tactics and her intentions to destroy people, not govern.  This is how to respond to baseless attacks by trolls, in person and online.

Former White House Press Secretary (while simultaneously spokesperson for the Trump campaign, which seemingly should be against the law) Kayleigh “Don’t Call Me ‘Kelly'” McEnany wants you to know she’s really, really angry about aborted fetuses in a highly, totally, obviously unrehearsed outburst.