The President of the United States said a lot of stupid shit on Wednesday, continuing a trend which has seen someone who was never particularly sharp or virtuous in the first place degrade mentally at a dizzying pace, prompting him to bleat out that he would have won California if Jesus Christ counted the ballots, that he’s at 99 percent in Israel where he should run for prime minister when this is all over, rip of Fox News reporter because her Republican Congressman husband doesn’t vote MAGA enough and that it was President Barack Obama who withdrew US troops from Afghanistan, not Joe Biden… There’s probably some other shit in the lowlight reel missed in this description.

Having lost the Succession-like battle that was at least partially inspired by the HBO series that was almost entirely inspired by his family, younger Murdoch son James – the supposedly liberal black sheep of the family – tells the New York Times he’s acquiring roughly half of Vox Media, parent of New York Magazine and a shit ton of other properties. Would’ve been better if he’d won the battle for creative control over the ever-increasingly deranged propaganda empire his right wing older brother Lachlan now controls but it’s not nothing. At the very least a direct channel to leak the worst of the worst kind of shit going on inside of the family’s flagship state media brand.

A team of divers from Finland using extra-specialized equipment on Wednesday retrieved the last two bodies remaining out of five Italian divers who had drowned after recklessly swimming more than 160 ft underwater to a cave off the small Indian Ocean nation of the Maldives, the AP reports on the end of the grim and dangerous mission that already took the life of a Maldivian military diver.

The Finnish team, equipped with closed-circuit rebreathers that recycle exhaled breathing gas and removes carbon dioxide through a chemical scrubber, actually dove to an estimated depth of 200 ft to reach the innermost part of the cave system where the bodies of Muriel Oddenino and Giorgia Sommacal were located. The remains of Monica Montefalcone and Federico Gualtieri had been retrieved from the same spot on Tuesday while instructor Gianluca Benedetti was found on Thursday, shortly after the unauthorized excursion that got another guy killed for no good reason.

Rogue Republican Kentucky Congressman Thomas Massie has lost his primary to generic MAGA scumbag Ed Gallrein, CNN projects based on returns showing Gallrein with a prohibitive lead.

“I have worked closely with President Trump through both of his Presidential terms and voted with him more than 99% of the time. He has consistently called me a friend in this race. It is now time for Texas Republican voters to decide if they want a strong nominee to help our GOP candidates down ballot and defeat Talarico in November, or a weak nominee who jeopardizes everything we care about. I trust the Republican voters of Texas,” tweeted freshly-doomed Senator John Cornyn on Tuesday under a half hour after the Orange God Emperor ended Cornyn’s career in a lengthy post.

Emphasis added on the “He has consistently called me a friend in this race,” because lol.

Various Capitol Hill reporters tweeted quotes like “You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out the pathway for Paxton is there, but it’s more uphill, and it will cost more,” from Senator Lindsey Graham, stone-faced silence from Roger Wicker, Lisa Murkowski calling Texas all but lost, and Leader John Thune saying it’s Trump’s decision and nothing else to Punchbowl’s Andrew Desiderio.

“If you know John Thune, that counts as pretty deep anger,” Desiderio wrote of the South Dakotan.

“The Highly Respected Attorney General of Texas, Ken Paxton, an America First Patriot, and someone who has always been extremely loyal to me and our AMAZING MAGA MOVEMENT, is running for the United States Senate… blah blah blah… I know Ken well, have seen him tested at the highest and most difficult levels, and he is a WINNER! Ken is a Strong Supporter of TERMINATING THE FILIBUSTER and, very importantly, THE SAVE AMERICA ACT, something which polls at 87 percent, including Dumocrats, and yet can’t seem to get approved. Perhaps Ken can help move these important elements of Government forward because with the Filibuster, as an example, the Democrats will terminate it on their First Day in Office, giving us two extra States, DC and Puerto Rico, and a greatly enlarged Supreme Court of the United States, probably going with their Dream Number of 21 Justices from the 9 that we currently have — And these new Justices will be Radical Left Lunatics! Two years ago, our Country was DEAD — Now we have the ‘HOTTEST’ Country anywhere in the World — And I want to keep it that way. Ken Paxton will help me do that, MAKING AMERICA BIGGER, BETTER, AND STRONGER THAN EVER BEFORE!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday, effectively ending the contested runoff between the two Texans.

And here’s the hilarious part: “John Cornyn is a good man, and I worked well with him, but he was not supportive of me when times were tough and, despite having the Most Successful Economy in the History of our Country during my First Term and, with all of the many other things that I accomplished (Secure Border, Military Dominance, Space Force, All Time High Stock Markets and 401(k)s, Record Job and Economic Growth, and so many other things that would be impossible to readily list!), which are considered by many to be legendary, John was very late in backing me in what turned out to be a Historic Run for the Republican Nomination, and then, the Presidency, itself, both of which were Landslide Victories and, more importantly, gave us the Country that we have today — THE GOLDEN AGE OF AMERICA (and when we finish up with Iran, which will not be allowed to have a Nuclear Weapon, you will see numbers that have never been generated by our Country before!), as opposed to the DISASTER of the previous Administration,” hahahahahahaha, lol.

Like Jefferson at Monticello, except fatter, dumber, and more mentally ill, President Trump on Tuesday drew upon his polymathic wizardry to speak to his application of the architectural prowess of the classical Mediterranean civilizations to his grand construction project.

This genre of news coverage can get pretty lame, like “OMG AOC UNFOLLOWED NANCY PELOSI!!!!111!!!” is probably not something worth picking up but when a pretty important cabinet-level federal government department unfollows its Secretary’s official account – as the State Department just did with Marco Rubio – well it could mean something. If it’s not a mistake.

In an urgent and panicked letter to the editor of Villages-News.com, Village of Amelia resident Don Bull warns that former Vice President Kamala Harris “just reiterated the goal of the Democrats [sic] Party! Their goal is to do away with the Electoral College, which would eliminate the will of most of the States to have a vote in future elections, thus the largest States, which are Democratic controlled, would decide all elections! Their goal is to do away with the Constitution, as it was written in 1787! Why? Because they hate the most successful country in Gods good earth!”

“They liked the Supreme Court when they had the majority but what is their answer when they lost the majority? Not to try and regain the majority by normal ways it’s done, but pack the court! They will cheat and lie to gain the power they thrive for and the hell with the democratic process! There will be justice coming to a lot of crooked people in the Democratic Party! I can’t wait for the people who perpetrated the disgraceful and illegal activities against the American people,” Bull continued, neglecting to append the prepositional object, the anacoluthon abruptly shifting to “Please! Please!”

“The real Democrats must take back your Party before it becomes the Party of Socialism!” Bull then concluded. Leaving aside that all non-MAGAmericans paying attention were to understand that the Dems were already “the Party of Socialism!” Bull having just understood the gravity of the former Veep’s comments to a webinar summit last week is pretty entertaining because the concept of sweeping reform of the nation’s political system in the form of filibuster abolition, an end to partisan gerrymandering, the effective end of the electoral college (which is happening apace irrespective of anything in Washington), Supreme Court reform/packing, and the addition of states to the union shouldn’t be that surprising as it’s been coming close to conventional wisdom among Dems.

Feeling the need to come up with more fake justifications for some reason, convicted felon President Trump’s regime on Monday issued to Congress an “emergency determination” that 17,500 more white South Africans need to be granted refugee status in the US, CNN reports.

“This escalating hostility heightens the risks to Afrikaners in South Africa, who are already subject to far-reaching government-sponsored race-based discrimination… For these reasons, a revised ceiling of 17,500 is justified by grave humanitarian concerns and in the national interest as detailed in EO 14204 and will further the US foreign policy interests described in that order,” said the report.

A US citizen in the Democratic Republic of the Congo tested positive for the Ebola virus, CDC officials confirmed on Monday, per USA Today. The unnamed American, said to be a healthcare worker helping to deal with a recent outbreak, was supposedly evacuated to Germany for treatment but who the hell knows what’s actually going on with this crew of morons in charge of public health.

“I have been asked by the Emir of Qatar, Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud, and the President of the United Arab Emirates, Mohamed bin Zayed Al Nahyan, to hold off on our planned Military attack of the Islamic Republic of Iran, which was scheduled for tomorrow, in that serious negotiations are now taking place, and that, in their opinion, as Great Leaders and Allies, a Deal will be made, which will be very acceptable to the United States of America, as well as all Countries in the Middle East, and beyond.”

“This Deal will include, importantly, NO NUCLEAR WEAPONS FOR IRAN! Based on my respect for the above mentioned Leaders, I have instructed Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth, The Chairman of The Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Daniel Caine, and The United States Military, that we will NOT be doing the scheduled attack of Iran tomorrow, but have further instructed them to be prepared to go forward with a full, large scale assault of Iran, on a moment’s notice, in the event that an acceptable Deal is not reached,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Monday afternoon.

Wonder how much of that actually happened and whether anyone proofread it first to see if maybe saying he had “respect” for those unelected tyrants sounds like he’s announcing he’s their bitch.

Evacuation underway in Simi Valley, California as a brush fire begins to spread… pic.twitter.com/GukMAgSoJG

— Benny Johnson (@bennyjohnson) May 18, 2026

Hennepin County, Minnesota DA Mary Moriarty on Monday announced her office had brought charges against ICE stormtrooper Christian Castro with four counts of second-degree assault and one count of falsely reporting a crime in the January 14th shooting of Venezuelan migrant Julio Cesar Sosa-Celis in Minneapolis, the AP reports. Hopefully Sosa-Celis heard about the $1.776 billion weaponization fund, sounds like he’d be a prime candidate for restitution.

“The US Department of Justice today announced that as a part of the settlement agreement in President Donald J Trump v Internal Revenue Service, the Attorney General established ‘The Anti-Weaponization Fund’ to provide a systematic process to hear and redress claims of others who suffered weaponization and lawfare,” says the Justice Department in a real press release.

“The plaintiffs in the case, President Donald J Trump, Donald J Trump, Jr, Eric Trump, and the Trump Organization, LLC, filed suit against the Treasury and IRS in Southern District of Florida federal court following the leak of their tax returns. Per the settlement, plaintiffs will receive a formal apology but no monetary payment or damages of any kind. They have agreed, in exchange for the creation of this fund, to drop their pending lawsuit with prejudice, and also withdraw two administrative claims including for damages resulting from the unlawful raid of Mar-a-Lago and the Russia-collusion hoax.”

“‘The machinery of government should never be weaponized against any American, and it is this Department’s intention to make right the wrongs that were previously done while ensuring this never happens again,’ said Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche. ‘As part of this settlement, we are setting up a lawful process for victims of lawfare and weaponization to be heard and seek redress.'”

“If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting ‘I surrender, I surrender’ while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary ‘Documents of Surrender,’ and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent USA, The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close. The Dumacrats and Media have totally lost their way. They have gone absolutely CRAZY!!!” posted the President of the United States on Monday, using his signature, unconventional messaging style to lob rhetorical grenades at the mainstream media’s Iran coverage.

Ahem. The fat bastard’s whole counterfactual sketch here is actually a useful framework that can be applied to other grievances more within his control, such as his physical and mental health. For example, last month Philippines President Ferdinand “BongBong” Marcos decided to address questions about his situation by simply doing jumping jacks and jogging in place in full view of reporters. Trump could do the same – or at least try. On the mental side, same thing. Why not just take the fucking cognitive test on live television on a special game show-like set with Ilhan Omar, AOC, Hakeem Jeffries and everyone else he’s called “low IQ”? If he wins, then the “Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media” will be forced to report on his stunning victory over his adversaries.

Some advisers close to President Donald Trump are increasingly concerned that last week's summit with Chinese President Xi Jinping could embolden Beijing to move against Taiwan within the next five years. https://t.co/XgfgUC3sbw

— NEWSMAX (@NEWSMAX) May 18, 2026