Jesus effing Christ. Fox News’s Bill Melugin reports that the mysterious second indictment of former FBI Director James Comey is indeed over terroristic threats or some shit because of the seashells.

Florida Republican Congressman Dan Webster, who survived successive primary challenges from MAGA maniacs Laura Loomer and Anthony Sabatini in 2022 and 2024, respectively, announced his retirement on Tuesday just a day after heels-wearing Gov Ron DeSantis announced his redistricting plan to kill half of the Sunshine State’s eight Dem-held seats by diluting the other 24’s MAGA-ness.

That timing – Punchbowl’s Ally Mutnick posted that Webster had publicly warned that DeSantis’s redistricting bid could backfire – is noteworthy, as is convicted felon President Trump’s Friday afternoon stop in the Villages where there will be no doubt like a dozen supplicants there BEGGING him for a 25 seconds of face time to get on his radar for an endorsement in the primary… before a few months from he ultimately picks the one who can afford to get in the door at Mar-a-Lago.

Webster becomes the, uh, maybe the 28th (?) House Republican to ditch DC of their own volition this cycle as opposed to either dying or losing a Senate primary. Probably not going to be a lot more.

Congressman Ro Khanna on Tuesday told Meidas Touch’s Scott MacFarlane that the UK Ambassador had told Khanna that King Charles, whose brother is deservedly in deep shit for his partying with dead sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, could end up touching that specific live wire during his address to Congress this afternoon. Might be something to listen for in the monarch’s speech.

MAGA Congressman Vince Fong, the jackass who replaced loser former Speaker Kevin McCarthy, is laser-focused on ensuring Newsmax viewers nationwide understand that, when speaking strictly in the context of California, that convicted felon President Trump’s direct responsibility for increased gas prices is actually Dem Governor Gavin Newsom’s because of a 90-second or so list of grievances that need not be detailed here. Newsmax being Newsmax, there was no follow up prompt from the anchor stipulating that the baseline price per gallon in California is always significantly higher than that of the rest of the nation or, more importantly, how Gavin Newsom’s policies could have any measurable effect on the price per gallon in West Virginia.

Disney-owned ABC is not fucking around with Jimmy Kimmel this time and is, according to CNN’s Brian Stelter in his daily newsletter, warning stations that they will enforce their contracts and drop the hammer on any MAGA-owned affiliate chain that preempts the nightly show the way oligarchic cartels Nexstar and Sinclair did back when Kimmel mocked convicted felon President Trump’s reaction to Charlie Kirk’s assassination as “not how an adult grieves the murder of someone he called a friend. This is how a 4 year-old mourns a goldfish.” Funny enough that was after Kimmel aired a clip of Trump being asked by a reporter about Kirk and then the fat idiot almost immediately drifted into the then-ongoing East Wing demolition to make way for the now-stalled ballroom build.

“My sources at ABC and Disney are well aware that the MAGA media attacks against Kimmel are not in good faith,” Stelter writes. Keep in mind the global megacorporation has a new CEO in charge than they did back in September as Stelter notes in the story. He also zooms in on the dispositive difference for Nexstar, who on top of ABC cracking the whip, have to deal with a California federal judge currently blocking their acquisition of TEGNA. Preempting Kimmel, which they did not do on Monday with that case still ongoing would have been a really stupid, really shortsighted move.

“A former National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) employee is facing indictment for his role in a scheme to evade Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests in connection with COVID-19 research grants. David M Morens, 78, of Chester, Maryland, is charged with conspiracy against the United States; destruction, alteration, or falsification of records in federal investigations; concealment, removal, or mutilation of records; and aiding and abetting. Morens served as a senior advisor in NIAID’s Office of the Director from 2006 to 2022,” says a Tuesday DOJ press release.

“These allegations represent a profound abuse of trust at a time when the American people needed it most – during the height of a global pandemic. As alleged in the indictment, Dr Morens and his co-conspirators deliberately concealed information and falsified records in an effort to suppress alternative theories regarding the origins of COVID-19. Government officials have a solemn duty to provide honest, well-grounded facts and advice in service of the public interest – not to advance their own personal or ideological agendas,” said Auditioning Attorney General Todd Blanche in the press release, which then quotes drunken asshole K$H Patel saying something he didn’t write.

Quick reminder that this press release would have been about Morens’s former boss, Dr Anthony Fauci, being indicted if Joe Biden hadn’t pardoned the numero uno on the way out the door.

“Iran has just informed us that they are in a ‘State of Collapse.’ They want us to ‘Open the Hormuz Strait,’ as soon as possible, as they try to figure out their leadership situation (Which I believe they will be able to do!)” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday, echoing the line from Downfall where Hitler insists Steiner will break through and rescue what remains of the Reich.

Any minute now will be the follow-up where Trump orders everyone out of the room except for Pete Hegseth, General Dan Caine, Tulsi Gabbard, and Kid Rock to scream at them while they sweat.

Earlier was even more embarrassing as Trump posted “Wow, that’s nice. I’ve always wanted to live in Buckingham Palace!!! I’ll talk to the King and Queen about this in a few minutes!!!” above a screenshot of some shitty right wing British newspaper’s article establishing that Trump and Charles’s last known common ancestor – John Stuart, the 3rd Earl of Lennox – died in 1526. Half the readers on this website are probably more “royal-blooded” than that. As is Barack Obama.

What follows is what the US Department of Justice, on behalf of the US National Park Service as defendant, put into the first page of a filing headlined “DEFENDANTS’ RULE 62.1 MOTION FOR AN INDICATIVE RULING DISSOLVING THE COURT’S INJUNCTION,” as in the gestalt of competent legal professionals who ostensibly take their careers in public service seriously but have to submit this to try to convince a federal judge to toss his own ruling halting the White House ballroom construction:

“‘The National Trust for Historic Preservation’ is a beautiful name, but even their name is FAKE because when they add the words ‘in the United States’ to the National Trust for Historic Preservation, it makes it sound like a Governmental Agency, which it is not. In fact, the United States refused to continue funding it in 2005 because they strongly disagreed with their mission and objectives. They are very bad for our Country. They stop many projects that are worthy, and hurt many others. In this case, they are trying to stop one that is vital to our National Security, and the Safety of all Presidents of the United States, both current and future, their families, staff, and Cabinet members. They were asked by the United States Military not to bring this suit because of the Top Secret nature of the important facility being built. They were shown detailed plans and specifications of this knitted, unified, and cohesive structure by Top Officers and Leaders in both the Military and Secret Service. But this did not deter them because they suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome, commonly referred to as TDS, as noted by Democrat Senator John Fetterman, of Pennsylvania, and are represented by the lawyer for Barack Hussein Obama, Gregory Craig. The lower section of the building does not work without the upper section and, likewise, the upper section of the building does not work without the lower,” and it keeps going for a while.

FBI agents executed a series of raids on nearly two dozen shiny objects in Minnesota on Tuesday morning as Director K$H Patel seriously fears losing his job for drinking in a Las Vegas casino bar on weeknights and tries to grab the low hanging headlines like the one in this Fox News tweet.

“🚨 BREAKING: A massive federal operation is unfolding in Minneapolis as part of a sweeping fraud investigation into largely Somali-owned businesses. The FBI raided over 20 locations, including childcare centers,” wrote the Fox News tweet-itorial staff with alacritous excitement. So frenzied was the suckerdom that they failed to realize that this is a far cry from the once-promised floor-by-floor sweep of George Soros’s Onyx Tower of Doom, ending in a grueling boss battle in his skull-adorned, flame-lit throne room at the top of the grotesque Midtown Manhattan redoubt.

A mere Victoria’s Secret catalog to the premium XXX rage porn the fanboys had been teased with.

POISONOUS POLITICS: First Lady Melania Trump’s senior adviser @MarcBeckman is sounding the alarm on an "ecosystem" of harsh attacks following the third attempt on President Trump’s life.

Beckman points to a 'Wall Street Journal' report as proof that this bitter rhetoric is… pic.twitter.com/Z8MacR5zUO

— FOX & Friends (@foxandfriends) April 28, 2026

A court in South Korea on Tuesday sentenced former First Lady Melania Yoon Kim Keon Hee to a total of four years in prison, extending the 20-month bid she had been hit with in January after a judge found she had received an extra Chanel bag as a gift from the Moonies, the AP reports.

The extended stay was the result of appeals by both the defense and prosecution. It’s still a shorter bid than the life imprisonment her husband, disgraced ex-President Yoon Suk Yeol, got hit with in February for his deranged conspiracy theory-fueled attempt to impose martial law.

“The high cost of living continues to top Americans’ list of the most important financial problems facing their families. The 31 percent citing it in an open-ended question is below the 41 percent peak in 2024 but similar to a year ago and among the highest in Gallup’s more than 20-year trend. Energy costs, which have risen notably this year, are mentioned by 13 percent of Americans, up 10 percentage points from last year and the highest since 2008 – tying housing costs as the second-biggest concern. Healthcare ranks fourth at 8 percent, consistent with readings since 2020.”

“Americans’ financial outlook in 2026 is also historically poor, with a record 55 percent now saying their financial situation is getting worse. While similar to last year’s 53 percent, this is up from 47 percent in 2024 and marks the fifth consecutive year more Americans say their finances are worsening rather than improving,” says the toplines to a new Gallup survey released Tuesday.

It’s time to set the record straight: National Zero is NOT an Icelandic propaganda operation and any claims otherwise are complete nonsense. I’ve never even been to Iceland and don’t know how to pronounce “Hafnarfjarðarkaupstaður” or “Þorbjörn,” nor could I even tell you what that fake letter is that it starts with. Just because like four years ago that dickhead with the “Media Bias Fact Check” and pretty much no one else since then implied that, since the site’s domain registrar is based in Reykjavik, that somehow National Zero is somehow an Icelandic psy-ops campaign. It’s not true and just because it’s a ridiculous, deranged accusation doesn’t mean it should go unaddressed.

National Zero is by and for Americans… but others welcome, of course. Any implications of Icelandic influence are bullshit and the last article covered here wasn’t even a good look for the Icelandic government anyway, okay? So stop bringing it up, it’s just so stupid. What do you have against Iceland anyway? D2: The Mighty Ducks made them out to be villains and unfairly so in my opinion.

Okay? Anyway maybe Katie Miller could have just not complained that Twitter users were accusing her husband of “copping a feel” during their frantic escape from the White House Correspondents Association dinner on Saturday night. Or, barring that, maybe she could have just said “That’s ridiculous, Laura. Why the hell would you even bring that up?” when interrupted by instead of denying to Frau Ingraham that Katie’s husband used her as a human shield when he sensed danger.

Certain malign foreign interests might seize upon such moments. Maybe even ones subliminally promoting an agenda to increase tourism to a mysterious, ancient land filled with volcanic wonders…

“I hope voters remember this in the fall. You’ve gotta keep the grownups in charge, and that’s the Republicans,” said Jesus Dork Speaker Mike Johnson on Monday on Newsmax in a 16-second clip by the man Aaron Rupar that’s a little too short to justify ripping to a YouTube video.

Statutory rapist musician-like performer Kid Rock on Monday got a free joyride in a US Army Apache helicopter courtesy of drunken date rapist Pete Hegseth, Drop Site’s Ryan Grim reports on the kind of shit DOGE was supposed to eliminate from the federal waste, fraud, and abuse budget.

Cole Allen, the jackass who took a train from California to stupidly try to rush into the White House Correspondents Association Dinner on Saturday night has been, per Politico’s Kyle Cheney, charged with Attempt to assassinate the president of the United States, Transportation of a firearm and/or ammunition in interstate commerce, and Discharge of a firearm during a crime of violence.

Huh. Didn’t know “Attempt to assassinate the president of the United States” was officially a crime and that it wasn’t already covered by “attempted murder of a public official” or something.

“Wow, Jimmy Kimmel, who is in no way funny as attested to by his terrible Television Ratings, made a statement on his Show that is really shocking. He showed a fake video of the First Lady, Melania, and our son, Barron, like they were actually sitting in his studio, listening to him speak, which they weren’t, and never would be. He then stated, ‘Our First Lady, Melania, is here. Look at Melania, so beautiful. Mrs Trump, you have a glow like an expectant widow.’ A day later a lunatic tried entering the ballroom of the White House Correspondents Dinner, loaded up with a shotgun, handgun, and many knives. He was there for a very obvious and sinister reason. I appreciate that so many people are incensed by Kimmel’s despicable call to violence, and normally would not be responsive to anything that he said but, this is something far beyond the pale. Jimmy Kimmel should be immediately fired by Disney and ABC,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Monday, half-assedly trying to connect that joke – which was pretty funny because of fucking course Melania eagerly anticipates her freedom to be herself after her vile, philandering slob of a husband finally expires on his own, lol – to the lame, failed attack on him at the WHCA dinner Saturday night.

Also lol at “normally would not be responsive to anything that he said” about seven months after his minions got Kimmel temporarily fired for mocking Trump’s reaction to Charlie Kirk’s death. And it would still be a lie even with out that episode since the fat fuck posted “Stupid Jimmy Kimmel, who still hasn’t recovered from his horrendous performance and big ratings drop as Host of The Academy Awards, especially when he showed he suffered from TDS, commonly known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, to the entire World by reading on air my TRUTH about how bad a job he was doing that night, right before he stumbled through announcing the biggest award of all, ‘Picture of the Year,'” and blah blah blah back in 2024. Wasn’t Donald’s first anti-Kimmel rant either.