President Joe Biden is expected Monday to announce he’s declaring martial law and ordering sweeping arrests – and summary executions – of his political opponents now that the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of effectively unlimited immunity from prosecution for actions taken while in office.

Probably. In all seriousness when we try to imagine what a canned speech of platitudes about democracy and the need to vote and so on would look like we’re coming up empty. Why even bother with a near-primetime televised address if that’s all he’s going to say? It was one thing to address the nation after the abortion and student loan decisions and promise take whatever steps he could to push back and skirt around the rulings. This is different. The fact that he’s even going to speak about it is kind of remarkable since this is a political matter that concerns him personally, on both ends of this term. What if any steps is he going to announce here? Should we dare to imagine that Dark Brandon’s going to come out here and do something kind of fucking crazy, like dumping every record of Trump’s criminality in office to show Americans what the Supreme Court just greenlit?

Maybe too much to hope for. Still, given that he’s responding like this at all it’s worth considering that this just might be at least some sort of effort at turning crisis into opportunity.

Documents show Palm Beach police detectives were told of the system Jeffrey Epstein set up to lure young girls for sex at his Florida home two years before federal prosecutors cut a lenient deal with him in 2008, new documents released by the Florida state government show.

Per CNN, a Palm Beach detective testified to a grand jury in July 2006 that the initial investigation was opened in March 2005 after a woman reported her stepdaughter was offered $300 to perform a sex act for “a man in Palm Beach.”  Investigators identified Epstein as the man, saying Epstein would tell girls already in his circle to bring their friends to his mansion, thereby recruiting more victims for a $200 finder’s fee.  When one girl brought a 23-year-old friend to Epstein, he said she was too old, the Palm Beach detectives report, telling his recruiters “the younger the better.”

Although Epstein was technically convicted of a crime with his plea agreement in 2008–when the GOP Bush brothers led the governments in DC and Tallahassee–he received no jail time, weekend detention and a guilty plea to two state solicitation charges, with no significant prison time, just 18 months in a lax work-release program.

In a total witch hunt by Maldives President Mohamed Muizzu, the Minister for Environment, Climate Change, and Energy Fathimath Shamnaz Ali Saleem and two unnamed accomplices were arrested last week on suspicion of “performing a black magic spell” after cops allegedly found one or more coconuts with spells damning the president carved into them at her home, Metro UK reports.

So yeah we kind of lied in the headline since Saleem wasn’t technically arrested for witchcraft, but more like wizardry or maybe voodoo. It’s a thing in Maldivian politics. Former President Abdulla Gayoom’s minions were accused of rigging elections in 2013 by hiding eggs and coconuts in certain locations – including a cemetery – around the tiny Indian Ocean archipelago’s capital of Male.

President Biden’s campaign tells CBS’s Weijia Jiang that their internal polling post-debate shows no change from May: Trump 46 to Biden 45 percent. “The poll focused on 7 battleground states: AZ, GA, MI, NC, NV, PA, and WI,” Jiang writes, which we guess means was an average of them.

#NEWS: Chairman @Jim_Jordan and @HouseAdmin Chairman @RepBryanSteil open new probe into North Carolina State Board of Elections' decision to keep qualified candidates off the ballot in November.

Read the letter ↓ pic.twitter.com/v4e4Ucqo1M

— House Judiciary GOP 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 (@JudiciaryGOP) July 1, 2024

WOW! Never thought we’d see Jim Jordan and Bryan Stwat or whatever his name is standing up for the little guy who might not want to vote for either Biden or Trump in North Carolina and lol they’re not even fucking trying to hide it with this bullshit effort to meddle with a state process. It’s only in the footnotes that they mention an article about Robert F Kennedy Jr and Cornel West being blocked from the ballot, for now, in the Tar Heel State on some technicality.

A registered Republican voter and Pinellas County, Florida sheriff’s deputy resigned from the force on Monday after being charged by prosecutors with ten counts of possession of child pornography and ten counts of transmission of child pornography, Fox 13 reports.

Want to know how 33 year-old Trevor Scott Willis was caught? Well he was also kind of wasting taxpayer time while watching the child porn videos (whose description we will not reprint here) by using the wifi at the jailhouse he was guarding to access the horrible smut. Then he admitted it.

🚨 BREAKING 🚨 Meidas Touch reports that Hailey “Hawk Tuah” Welch wouldn’t give convicted felon former President Trump’s mushroom a “hawk tuah,” as in oral sex. “It’s a no from me,” Welch told some podcaster, meaning that two potbellied fanboys in Virginia got those shirts made for nothing.

Ughhhhhhhh holy shit, lol… As stupid and debased as all this is we’re not entirely sure Meidas Touch are wrong to treat this non-endorsement as if it was significant. “Hawk Tuah” is so viral.

Expect a Visit …. https://t.co/QC5XrZ6PGy

— Chris LaCivita (@LaCivitaC) July 1, 2024

Here’s Trump campaign manager Chris LaCivita not-very-implicitly threatening a 21 year-old kid supposedly on the Biden campaign’s influencer payroll for just having the same take everyone did.

Democratic Party officials are considering formally nominating President Joe Biden as the 2024 nominee on July 21st to put an end the pundit circlejerk over replacing him, Bloomberg reports.

Peruvian 2021 presidential election loser Ivanka Fujimori on Monday sat for the opening statements in the trial brought over money laundering charges stemming from her also failed 2011 and 2016 campaigns, Reuters reports. It’s expected to be a long haul as the prosecution and defense are expected to call as many as 2,000 witnesses in the case against the daughter of former dictator Alberto Fujimori. “It is very likely that it will last until 2026”, said Fujimori’s lawyer Giulliana Loza.

Non-Correction: The current version of this article misspelled Keiko Fujimori’s first name as ‘Ivanka’ in the headline and text. National Zero does not regret the error and will not be correcting it.

A court in Dusseldorf, Germany on Monday ruled that members of the far right Alternative for Germany (AfD) cannot legally own firearms as the BfV domestic intelligence agency has formally placed the AfD under suspicion of working to undermine the country’s constitution, DPA reports.

In related news, DPA also reports that on Monday a court in Munich ruled that the AfD can be put under surveillance by Bavaria’s state police intel unit based on their public statements.

The Supreme Court has become consumed by a corruption crisis beyond its control.

Today’s ruling represents an assault on American democracy. It is up to Congress to defend our nation from this authoritarian capture.

I intend on filing articles of impeachment upon our return.

— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@AOC) July 1, 2024

Obviously Mike Johnson isn’t going to allow them to get to the floor but it’s not a bad way to shine the progressive left’s light back on Trump after months and months of Dem infighting.

“Today’s Historic Decision by the Supreme Court should end all of Crooked Joe Biden’s Witch Hunts against me, including the New York Hoaxes – The Manhattan SCAM cooked up by Soros backed DA, Alvin Bragg, Racist New York Attorney General Tish James’ shameless ATTACK on the amazing business that I have built, and the FAKE Bergdorf’s ‘case.’ PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!” posted convicted felon former President Trump on Truth Social after the Supreme Court on Monday seriously jammed up Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith’s DC case against him.

An exuberant and overconfident Trump is especially fun to watch right now as he just knows the political and legal situations for him should remain completely static through November, that it’s all going to be smooth sailing from here and that certain other actors will exercise all restraint.

Engineers with Chinese commercial concern Space Pioneer on Sunday couldn’t contain their rocket’s fuel load during a pre-launch test, with the vessel’s boosters firing prematurely and sending it crashing nearby and prompting shameful, red-faced apologies to partners, the Independent reports

“After liftoff, the onboard computer automatically shut down and the rocket fell 1.5 kilometres southwest of the launchpad. The rocket body disintegrated after falling into the mountain. The test site is far away from the urban area of ​​Gongyi. Before the test, we worked with the local government to improve safety measures and organise the evacuation of surrounding personnel in advance. After investigation, no casualties were found,” Space Pioneer said in a statement.

White nationalist alcoholic Steve Bannon will arrive at a federal prison in Danbury, Connecticut to be stripped, deloused, and bathed Monday before beginning his four-month sentence for criminal contempt of Congress, a brief preview of the longer bid he likely faces in New York State.

Spandex-wearing grapple-freak Jim Jordan’s House Judiciary Committee on Monday sued Attorney General Merrick Garland for copies of the audio of the October 2023 interview between President Joe Biden and documents fuckup special counsel Robert K Hur, CNN’s Annie Grayer reports.

The US Supreme Court at long last on Friday ruled 6-3 on convicted felon former President Trump’s claim of immunity in the case brought by Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith, finding that “the nature of Presidential power entitles a former President to absolute immunity from criminal prosecution for actions within his conclusive and preclusive constitutional authority. And he is entitled to at least presumptive immunity from prosecution for all his official acts. There is no immunity for unofficial acts” and that “determining whether and under what circumstances such a prosecution may proceed requires careful assessment of the scope of Presidential power under the Constitution. The nature of that power requires that a former President have some immunity from criminal prosecution for official acts during his tenure in office. At least with respect to the President’s exercise of his core constitutional powers, this immunity must be absolute. As for his remaining official actions, he is entitled to at least presumptive immunity.”

Unless Jack Smith files a superseding indictment trimming down everything that could be encompassed within this ruling – which also prohibits even the admissibility of anything that could be considered an “official act” – then this trial is not happening before the election.

First son and sort of accomplished painter Hunter Biden on Monday filed a lawsuit in New York against Fox News stating that the propaganda network sought “to harass, annoy, alarm, and humiliate him, and tarnish his reputation” as “part of their politically motivated attacks against the President and his family” centered on the stupid “mock trial” series Fox pulled in April.

“Without Mr Biden’s consent, Fox produced an entirely fictional six-part ‘mock trial’ entitled ‘The Trial of Hunter Biden’, which first became available for streaming on Fox Nation on October 21, 2022. The miniseries was described by Fox as ‘a riveting look at the unresolved legal situation of President Joe Biden’s son, Hunter.’ As Fox explained, the mock trial captures ‘how a possible Hunter Biden trial might look,'” wrote Hunter’s lawyers at California firm Geragos and Geragos, APC.

A DC federal judge on Friday tossed dipshit former dairy farmer-turned incompetent far right Congressman-turned Trump Media and Technology Group CEO Devin Nunes’s 2020 defamation suit against the Washington Post over a 2017 article that implied Nunes was full of shit when he claimed that a whistleblower had come to him with evidence that now-convicted felon former President Trump was the subject of surveillance by the Obama Administration during the 2016 campaign.

We’re not aware of any such lawsuit that Nunes has won or even made it to trial, much less settled.