Canada’s straight version of Jeffrey Dahmer found a similar fate as his American rival:  Robert Pickton, one of the Great White North’s most prolific serial killers, died on this week of injuries sustained in a prison assault earlier this month, the Associated Press reports.

Convicted of killing six women and sentenced to Canada’s maximum of 25-years-to-life for his crimes, Pickton was charged in the murders of 26 women, whom he was believed to have kidnapped, tortured, raped, and in some cases, allegedly eaten.  When police searched the pig farm he owned, they found DNA evidence of 33 sex workers and drug addicts from the Vancouver area reported missing over a quarter century.  He had once bragged to an undercover officer he killed 49 women.

“So we just can’t sit back and say, oh, I hope everything corrects itself.  You have to get in the game, Republicans.  I want every secretary of state, are you purging your voting roles of non-citizens right now?  Is every Republican state AG opening investigation into voter fraud right now?” Trump advisor and Hitler Youth troop leader Stephen Miller says.  “Is every House committee controlled by Republicans using its subpoena power in every way it needs to right now with every Republican DA starting every investigation they need to right now?  Is every donor off the sidelines and into the game, the big dollar guys, the rich guys, the wealthy guys?  Every facet of Republican Party politics and power has to be used right now to go toe to toe with Marxism and beat these Communists.  That’s the task, Jesse.”

Pardon me.  I need a shower.

Ten percent of Republicans said they were less likely to vote for Donald Trump after his conviction on 34 counts of financial fraud related to illegal hush money payments to prevent multiple extramarital affairs from becoming public in the weeks before the 2016 election, Reuters reports.

Don’t worry about the polls that say 15% of people assert they are more likely to vote for Trump after his felony convictions; they were part of the Base that was going to vote for him anyway.  The poll wasn’t asking if they’re switching their vote from Biden; it’s asking how fervent a cultist they are.  They’re the portion of the country that believes in the Soros-funded Deep State.  The 17% or so that said they’re less likely to vote for Trump equates to actual votes being shed.

Can we just take a second here to remember:  We’re asking if sittin’-in-the-pews-on-Sunday, Bible-thumping, Jesus-praising, God-fearing [in public] Republicans will support a man who was convicted of using his lucre to cover-up his dalliance with an adult movie actress with whom he cheated on his mistress as his wife nursed their newborn son.  Regardless of the criminal conviction, these same people called for Bill Clinton to resign because he lied in testimony about a consensual extramarital affair.  But the porn star-Playboy model-Slovenian import triangle is A-Okay with this people.  Sheesh.

“After sitting for five weeks through that Rigged Trial in Lower Manhattan, which was surrounded by vast but unnecessary numbers of New York’s Finest in order to keep law abiding MAGA patriots away, and as I watched insignificant numbers of fully funded Radical Left troublemakers, with brand new and gleaming professionally made signs, screaming and cursing from areas said to be closed to us, and all others, I realized that Reason, Truth, and Love of our Country is no longer a force of Good and Change. These are Dark Days in America!” posted convicted felon former President Trump on Truth Social Friday evening. Very sad that he didn’t start with that line a month ago.

After that the fat fuck posted “I AM THE POLITICAL PRISONER OF A FAILING NATION, BUT I WILL SOON BE FREE, NOVEMBER 5TH, AND MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” Jesus Christ, lol.

Never one to let his name or image be used without the payment of a suitable licensing fee, the Trump campaign has notified Republican Virginia Congressman Bob Good he can no longer display signage or advertising implying Good is endorsed by Donald Trump because the Cantaloupe Convict hasn’t officially found him suitably MAGA, the Washington Post reports.

Conveniently and incongruously believing courts that would enforce a cease-and-desist are legitimate, the Trump campaign demanded Good stop “[p]roducing and displaying materials that give the false impression that President Trump is supportive of your candidacy” because it “is a fraud on the voters of the 5th Congressional District.”

After Trump’s conviction on 34 felonies relating to trying to illegally influence the 2016 election by laundering hush money payments to a porn star with whom he had a dalliance while cheating on his wife with his Playboy mistress, Good might find the endorsement of an adulterous adjudicated rapist and fraudster isn’t a good look in southcentral Virginia.

Marian Robinson, Michelle Obama’s mother who moved into the White House after her good-for-nuthin’ son-in-law was elected President of the States, has died in Washington, a statement from the family announced Friday, NBC News reports.

Robinson moved from her Chicago home to the White House after the 2013 inauguration to care for Michelle and Barack’s two daughters, aged seven and ten at the time, while their parents took their role as First Couple.  No cause of death was given, but the family said in a statement, “She passed peacefully this morning, and right now, none of us are quite sure how exactly we’ll move on without her.”

Let’s start by apologizing to our non-commenting readers in advance of this Disqus Cinematic Universe piece. Sorry if you do not find any of this stuff funny or interesting. We will resume real news after this “article.” However our commenting readers take priority as they are our main resource for feedback and tips on content, so fan service it is. Disqus and National Zero fan service.

Save for one brief mini-throwback, it’s been more than two years since our last “Blue Revenge,” a compilation of hubristic right wing posts pulled from The Hill for our commenters to drop a friendly reply to remind them that their prognostication did not come to pass – and you’ve already guessed what this one is about. Emphasis on friendly because we’re not trying to encourage shitposting. And replace “The Hill” with “Mediaite,” because as much as the former sucked the latter now sucks even worse. Click anywhere on the comment boxes below to open a new tab in your browser.

interloper • 3 days ago
️ JUST ANOTHER FAILED ATTEMPT BY THE LEFTISTS TO TARGET A POLITICAL OPPONENT.
Tue, 5/28/2024 9:48 PM on ‘Lawyer Tells CNN Trump Prosecution ‘Fell Way Short”

I’m for freedom • 3 days ago
️Hilarious! Even CNN sez the Biden lawfare election interference case collapsed !
Tue, 5/28/2024 7:57 PM on ‘Lawyer Tells CNN Trump Prosecution ‘Fell Way Short”

My ESG Score is Zero • 3 days ago
️There never was any case against Trump. Trump’s only crime was beating Hillary in 2016 and not being beholding to the swamp.
Tue, 5/28/2024 3:54 PM on ‘Lawyer Tells CNN Trump Prosecution ‘Fell Way Short”

Bill Pearlman • 3 days ago
️Trump stock is up $4 today. Market is saying acquittal
Tue, 5/28/2024 2:22 PM on ‘Lawyer Tells CNN Trump Prosecution ‘Fell Way Short”

Mr. Scorpio Dan’s favorite • 14 days ago
️The best Bragg can hope for is a hung jury now. His star witness was useless
Fri, 5/17/2024 6:59 AM on ‘Trump Suggests Alvin Bragg ‘Is Going To Drop’ New York Case Against Him: ‘Never Wanted To Bring the Witch Hunt Against Me’’

Management at an elite club in DC have had enough of drunken shitbrain former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani’s deranged and false rantings are about to throw him out for failing to conduct himself like a respectable member of society who closes the door when he pees, Reuters reports.

They wrote it differently though. Their lede says “Rudy Giuliani should be stripped of his law license for his work on a failed lawsuit challenging former President Donald Trump’s 2020 US election loss in Pennsylvania, a Washington, DC disciplinary board recommended on Friday.” Not to be biased or anything but we think ours is better. He is an alcoholic about to be tossed out of a bar after all.

President Biden: The American principle that no one is above the law was reaffirmed. Donald Trump was given every opportunity to defend himself. It was a state case, not a federal case. And it was heard by a jury of 12 citizens. 12 Americans, 12 people like you. Like millions of… pic.twitter.com/kfJeZqYnsn

— Biden-Harris HQ (@BidenHQ) May 31, 2024

At this same presser on Friday Biden also announced that the Israelis have passed a new ceasefire proposal to Hamas via the Egyptian and Qatari intermediaries, the deal’s exact scope unclear.

The clip from the heroic Acyn Torabi is only six seconds long so no need to rip it, but it’s still worth picking up that former Trump White House Reichsminister of Propaganda and current Fox News daytime host Kayleigh McEnany on Friday told one of the other idiots she works with that if President Biden wants “to take the high road” he should “call up [Dem New York Governor] Kathy Hochul, have her give a pardon” to Kayleigh’s obese 34-times convicted felon former boss.

Why? We have no fucking clue. When we say Republicans “have no shame” we’re always referring to gross hypocrisies like, for example, some asshole MAGA congressman complaining that the COVID stimulus was a socialist giveaway that supercharged inflation even after it turned out that said MAGA congressman got $1.2 million in PPP loans to his bullshit commercial property management business forgiven. That’s the “fuck you libs” kind of shamelessness we’re more used to handling.

Kayleigh McEnany’s void of shame here is a different vintage, a bald admission of weakness that throws us for a loop. Like we just don’t know how to process a regime propagandist debasing herself and her cohort with a plaintive plea for mercy from their sworn enemy. Limp Dick Durbin sounds tougher when he’s making squeaky noises at the Supreme Court. What the hell is she thinking?

“We write to respectfully request your testimony at a hearing before the Select Subcommittee on the Weaponization of the Federal Government of the Committee on the Judiciary titled, ‘Hearing on the Weaponization of the Federal Government,’ on June 13, 2024, at 10:00 am in room 2141 of the Rayburn House Office Building. This hearing will examine actions by state and local prosecutors to engage politically motivated prosecutions of federal officials, in particular the recent political prosecution of President Donald Trump by the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office.”

“The enclosed Witness Instruction Sheet provides information for witnesses appearing before the Committee. Please note the procedures for submitting written testimony at least two business days prior to the hearing. Please confirm your appearance before the Committee as soon as possible, but no later than 5:00 pm on June 7, 2024. If you have any questions, please contact Committee staff at (202) 225-6906. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter,” writes spandex-wearing grapple-freak Jim Jordan in a letter to Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg, who will definitely accept the invite after being accused of “politically motivated prosecutions.”

Also lol at this fucking assclown for closing the barn door after you know what just happened.

Cops in Zambia arrested former First Lady Esther Lungu, her daughter Chiyeso Katete, and another relative on charges of possession of stolen property, namely an estate in the capital city of Lusaka valued at $1.5 million, the BBC reports on a switch from Senator Bob Menendez and Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito’s decidedly less than credible “actually my wife did it” defenses.

For his part, former President Edgar Lungu, was not implicated in this crime specifically – which the old lady’s mansion is just the tip of the iceberg – but is also no stranger to related legal troubles himself these days. Lungu was defeated in 2021 by current President Hakainde Hichilema after Zambians decided they were not better of than they had been six years earlier. And they were not by objective measures such as national debt and gross domestic product.

Last week Lungu was placed under house arrest for apparently hinting at a coup to return himself to power which, as much as it sounds like an American QAnon fan fiction story from mid-2021, is a little less unrealistic in Sub-Saharan Africa. As such it would appear that Hichilema is just responding to the shit talk accordingly by zeroing in on Lungu and his family’s legal vulnerabilities.

Convicted felon former President Trump will hold a press conference starting at 11 AM EDT on Friday to talk about his positive vision for economic growth, improving education, getting Americans better access to health care and that’s about as much as we could type with a straight face.

West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin on Friday announced he had officially left the Democratic Party and registered as an independent, leaving observers guessing as to whether this matters.

“Today, the Trump campaign announced a record shattering small dollar fundraising haul following the sham Biden Trial verdict totaling $34.8 million nearly double the biggest day ever recorded for the Trump campaign on the WinRed platform. Crooked Joe Biden and the Democrats with their election interference political witch hunt have awakened the MAGA movement like never before.”

“From just minutes after the sham trial verdict was announced, our digital fundraising system was overwhelmed with support, and despite temporary delays online because of the amount of traffic, President Trump raised $34.8 million dollars from small dollar donors. Not only was the amount historic, but 29.7 percent of yesterday’s donor’s were brand new donors to the WinRed platform.”

“President Trump and our campaign are immensely grateful from this outpouring of support from patriots across our country. President Trump is fighting to save our nation and November 5th is the day Americans will deliver the real verdict” say Trump campaign reichsleiters Chris LaCivita and Susie Wiles in a statement on a new windfall to help pay for New York State appellate lawyers.

And yeah, the $34 million sounds fishy given that it’s obviously $1 million for every count the fat fuck was convicted of, but their site crashed from the traffic and all the big time MAGA influencers were posting pics of their contributions. So it’s probably true. We would however love to get an email from the alternate universe in which Donald was acquitted. That campaign definitely raised more, lol.

Today is a miscarriage of justice. Donald Trump should NOT of been found guilty.

— Kyle Rittenhouse (@ThisIsKyleR) May 30, 2024

This would of fit in perfect with last nites “MAGA Land” article witch, unhinged as the comment’s were, didn’t have to much red meet for pendants who r always exacerbated wit the spelling an usage in the “patriot’s” righting… And holy shit did that sentence take way too long to compose.

Appropriating the voice of a fat kid famous for murdering two people is harder than it looks.

A German court on Friday ordered 95 year-old Holocaust denier Ursula Haverbeck to stand trial on charges of incitement for propagating alternative facts about the Nazi atrocity, DPA reports.

This isn’t even close to Haverbeck’s first rodeo as she did a two year bid in 2004 for calling the systemic slaughter of six million European Jews – roughly two-thirds of their total pre-war number plus 11 million others among populations deemed genetically inferior to the Nazis – a hoax and 10 months in 2015 for the same in an interview during the trial of an infamous SS officer who had actually confessed to the crimes publicly in a direct response to Holocaust denialism. Then there’s another year-long bid Haverbeck was slapped with in 2022 – it’s unclear if she served that or has still been out on appeal. As you might have guessed, Haverbeck has a lot of fans among Germany’s far right eager for all the legitimacy the word of a then-15 or 16-year old civilian can lend to their differing point of view about German history, under constant attack from the woke media.

“My bookkeeper called a ‘Legal Expense,’ on the ‘tiny’ description line of the Ledger, a ‘Legal Expense,’ openly paid to my lawyer, at that time a fully accredited one. I was not involved in that designation, but what else would you have called it? It was, in fact, a LEGAL EXPENSE.”

“That is the so-called ‘CRIME.’ On top of that, I wasn’t allowed by the judge to use, in any form, the standard RELIANCE ON COUNSEL DEFENSE (ADVICE OF COUNSEL!). My lawyer, at the time, did virtually everything on the NDA (NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT), and I assumed that what he did was correct. I did nothing wrong, and frankly, there was nothing done wrong – NDAs are standard, commonly used, and LEGAL. MAGA2024! WITCH HUNT! IF THIS CAN HAPPEN TO ME, IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE!” posted convicted felon former President Trump on Friday morning, writing this shit as if he didn’t pass up the opportunity afforded to the accused to testify in his own defense and try to sell the jury on all this bullshit. He did and now he’s posting it like it matters.

Indeed, great damage was done today to the public’s faith in the American legal system.

If a former President can be criminally convicted over such a trivial matter – motivated by politics, rather than justice – then anyone is at risk of a similar fate. https://t.co/zrHCyIZazh

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 31, 2024

Trump campaign Reichsleiter Chris LaCivita on Thursday warned any and every Republican candidate caught fucking around and fundraising off the Orange Fuhrer’s conviction on 34 felonies in Manhattan will face the political equivalent of summary execution immediately, Politico reports.

“Any Republican elected official, candidate or party committee siphoning money from President Trump’s donors are no better than Judge Merchan’s daughter. We’re keeping a list, we’ll be checking it twice and we aren’t in the spirit of Christmas,” said LaCivita in a memo sent to the cucks.

It’s not clear if the memo was issued before or after Colorado GOP chair Dave Williams – the twatwaffle who in 2022 sued Secretary of State Jena Griswold because she wouldn’t let him submit paperwork to list his name as “Dave ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ Williams” on a primary ballot – sent out a fundraising email saying “the trial and conviction of President Trump is a disgrace and mockery of the principles our nation was founded on” and a whole bunch of other bullshit under a button that says “CLICK HERE TO STAND WITH TRUMP AND DAVE” but goes to a donation portal for Williams’s campaign for Colorado’s 5th District. But it probably doesn’t matter and Williams should be on LaCivita’s “naughty list” either way since the angry asshole’s been saying this for a while now.