Semi-official House Republican state media outlet Punchbowl News reports that the fallout from convicted felon former President Trump’s really bad Thursday in Manhattan will have “a huge impact on Capitol Hill. We’re beginning to see signals that Republican lawmakers will be out for revenge when they return to town next week,” and that spandex wearing grapple-freak Jim Jordan, a “die-hard Trump backer, called the verdict a ‘travesty of justice.’ Jordan has already opened a probe into Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg. There will be more action from the panel on this front.”

House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer will also react somehow, and even “doesn’t necessarily change the dynamics of” the utterly failed Biden impeachment inquiry, “it makes a criminal referral against Biden more likely.” They still need to identify an actual statute to make the referral.

“A final point worth paying attention to: You’re either all in for Trump or you’re against him. His camp is watching everything every Republican says very closely and is ready to pounce on any sign of perceived weakness or disloyalty,” Punchbowl writes as if this is anything new or novel.

Las Vegas aliens 'try to stave off pesky humans,' expert says: 'What are they doing here?' https://t.co/2YQYW5KYFZ

— Fox News (@FoxNews) May 31, 2024

No bad day for the pro-Trump internet would be complete without a nightcap like this one, so kick back and enjoy the tears from the cult. You earned it after all these years of bullshit:

“Watch for it, here’s Bidens excuse to get out of debating Trump. ‘I’m not going to debate a convicted Felon'” – Top comment on the Right Scoop’s article, plagiarized from Fox’s Harris Faulkner.

“NY Appellate court is likely just as corrupt as Merchan is” – Top comment on the Gateway Pundit’s article about Jonathan Turley’s bit on Fox News after the verdict. Replace the word “corrupt” with “unlikely to humor Trump’s bullshit and will uphold the verdict” then well this is somewhat refreshingly sober and realistic in comparison to what Turley himself was saying on TV.

“That headline shows that the financial center of the country consists of the same idiots who voted out a 34 felony count guilty verdict” – Top comment on Red State’s article titled “Shares in Trump Media, Owner of Truth Social, Drop Following Announcement of Verdict.” Ughhhhh man… Not even sure where to start with this one. Does “Ed in North Texas” get that it’s the shareholders and not the stock exchange moving the price and… You know what? Forget it. We’ve gotta move on here.

“Democratic Party just committed suicide. They will be no more. God’s verdict is INNOCENT. Buckle up because when God comes to take them out it will be awesomely scarey. There is nowhere for them to hide” – Top comment on WeLoveTrumpReport’s article. Hear that Libs? GOD is mad at you!

“Knowing it was coming doesn’t erase the shock. A rubicon crossed. The days of strongly worded letters must never return” – Top comment on a PJ Media editorial titled “Our Country Will Never Be the Same After the Shameful Trump Verdict.” Lol at the headline and especially at the comment, written as if strongly worded shitposting is somehow going to do the job instead.

“President Joe Biden has taken hundreds of billions of dollars from taxpayers and given it to student loan holders, a desperate attempt to buy votes with your money. Now, the Justice Department is spending taxpayer dollars to buy a different voter bloc: Swifties. The DOJ’s antitrust lawsuit against Live Nation Entertainment is another election-year stunt,” writes the Washington Examiner’s Tom Hebert, who further down says that making the tickets to Taylor Swift’s tour only available through one single website that promptly crashed and fucked over all of her fans back in 2022 is somehow not a textbook example of the kind of monopoly that the government should dismantle.

“Like the student loan bailouts, the Ticketmaster lawsuit is a case of political pandering. For politicians like Biden, it is easier to cut a check to a voter than it is to explain to him why majoring in basket weaving did not put him in an economic position to pay off his student loan debt. Swift cannot charge her fans the true market price, so politicians are stepping in to provide air cover, shamefully buying votes with your tax dollars in the process,” the piece concludes after padding in about a half dozen paragraphs of “this is bad because Joe Biden did it” in the middle.

Well you know what they say: You win some, you lose some but then go on Fox News to say how unfair it is that you lost and complain about all the libs laughing at your client who deserves more respect as “a husband, a father, and a grandfather” even though this whole thing started because he banged a pornstar and a Playboy model after his third wife had given birth to their son who’s just a little older than his grandchildren because you’re so goddamned humiliated and pissed off after the jury nailed the fat fuck on all 34 counts and everything sucks so freaking badly…

We’ll hazard that Todd Blanche would rather be smashing Jesse Watters in the face with a piece of rebar than answering his stupid questions right now but given that newly convicted felon former President Trump could begin publicly attacking him for the failure this bit is probably necessary to allay the Orange God Emperor’s anger and save his law practice from certain doom.

Blanche must’ve mentally impaled Watters’s face with the rebar when he asked “Would you have done anything differently? Is there a witness you thought you should’ve called?” and Blanche, wanting to avoid further antagonizing his scumbag client, said he wouldn’t have changed anything, even though it’s obvious Trump made him do all sorts of stupid shit that pissed off the jury.

After its new artificial intelligence search assistant told people to put glue on pizza and that Barack Obama was a Muslim–he’s not despite what MAGAts claim–Google will scale back the introduction of the service which has been posting search results on the site for American users in the past two weeks, the Washington Post reports.

One of the problems with the Google AI bot was that it included social media posts in its algorithm determining the answers, which is never a good place to go for accurate information.  This isn’t the first time Google will have to tweak a service after a high-profile launch:  earlier this year, it pulled back its AI image creator after it turned racist as people used it.

Cops in New Hampshire are starting to suspect that a bear or bears may be responsible for kids disappearing from farms in the area in recent months, the New Hampshire Union Leader reports.

“Our officers have investigated the circumstances surrounding the disappearance and have been unable to find any evidence suggesting that someone other than a wild animal like a bear, as Fish and Game indicated, was involved,” said Exeter Police Chief Stephan Poulin in a statement about the missing kids, who were probably eaten after three were taken away from their parents in Exeter on the night of May 25th and another several weeks earlier. An unknown number of kids were also likely consumed in nearby Hampton Falls last month. No adult goats have been affected, just the kids.

“This is an unusual case that’s obviously very distressing to the owners of these goats, which is understandable,” Poulin said, his stomach probably grumbling for a gyro at the thought of it.

“This was a disgrace. This was a rigged trial by a conflicted judge who was corrupt. It’s a rigged trial, a disgrace. They wouldn’t give us a venue change. We were at 5 percent or 6 percent in this district, in this area. This was a rigged, disgraceful trial. The real verdict is going to be November 5th by the people. And they know what happened here, and everybody knows what happened here. You have a Soros-backed DA, and the whole thing, we didn’t do a thing wrong. I’m a very innocent man, and it’s okay, I’m fighting for our country. I’m fighting for our Constitution. Our whole country is being rigged right now,” says convicted felon former President Donald Trump in a statement.

Has a nice ring to it, right? “Convicted felon former President Trump.” Think we’ll start using that instead of “fat former President Trump” or “disgraced former President Trump” in every article.

A Manhattan jury on Thursday has found fat former President Trump guilty on ALL 34 counts of falsifying business records in his complicated yet ineptly executed scheme to interfere in the 2016 presidential election by paying hush money to pornstar Stormy Daniels to remain quiet about an approximately two minutes-long sexual encounter in a hotel room near Lake Tahoe in 2006.

🚨🚨🚨 HOLY SHIT! 🚨🚨🚨 BREAKING NEWS! 🚨🚨🚨 A NEW EPISODE OF REPUBLICAN TEXAS SENATOR TED CRUZ’S PODCAST “THE VERDICT WITH TED CRUZ” WAS RELEASED ON WEDNESDAY. LISTEN ON APPLE, SPOTIFY, OR WHEREVER YOU GET YOUR PODCASTS TODAY!

The Biden Administration has quietly given the Ukrainians permission to use US-supplied weapons to attack in inside Russia if they’re launched from the vicinity of Kharkiv, Politico reports.

“The president recently directed his team to ensure that Ukraine is able to use US weapons for counter-fire purposes in Kharkiv so Ukraine can hit back at Russian forces hitting them or preparing to hit them,” an unnamed US official told Politico, adding the overall policy hasn’t changed.

“In a letter to Attorney General Merrick Garland, Senator JD Vance (R-OH) called on the US Department of Justice to open a criminal investigation into Judge Juan Merchan for his illegal deprivation of President Donald J Trump’s First Amendment rights. In his letter, Senator Vance argues Judge Merchan’s conduct against President Trump, including his imposition of a gag order, his refusal to dismiss prospective jurors who harbored obvious anti-Trump bias, and his barring of exculpatory evidence, could amount to criminal deprivation of rights violations under 18 USC §§ 241–42. 18 USC § 241 criminalizes conspiracies to ‘injure, oppress, threaten, or intimidate’ others from enjoying their federally protected rights, while § 242 prohibits any person acting under color of law from depriving individuals of their rights under the Constitution and federal law, including officials acting ‘within’ and ‘beyond’ the bounds of their lawful authority. US Supreme Court precedent expressly declares that improper conduct of judges is subject to prosecution under statute.”

“Merchan has imposed a prior restraint on the protected speech of a former president who is now leading presidential polling of the next election. On Merchan’s orders, a Republican presidential candidate has been made powerless to question the credibility of the witnesses testifying against him, the motivations of the prosecutors pursuing him, or the impartiality of the apparently conflicted judge fining him… Merchan has not been content to deprive President Trump of only his First Amendment rights, either. As a criminal defendant, President Trump is entitled to a fair trial by an impartial jury. Merchan has done his best to deprive Trump of both… When it comes to the admission and exclusion of evidence, Merchan has been just as shameless. He has bent over backwards to allow the prosecution to introduce whatever evidence it wants, eg, by allowing a prosecution witness to testify at length about the alleged details of an unproven sexual episode with no relevance to the underlying charges. But he has taken a strong hand against defense evidence at every opportunity,” says a press release from d-bag Senator JD Vance’s office.

The “It’s never a drag queen” meme crowd are going to love this one: The Boston Globe reports that Portsmouth, Rhode Island Neo-Nazi Stephen Thomas Farrea, 34, was arrested last week on felony charges of possession of child pornography charges. Farrea’s a member of the Nationalist Social Club-131, a MAGA Nazi group famous for – wait for it – disrupting drag queen story hours.

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts on Thursday responded to Senate Democrats’ calls for a meeting over Sedition Sam Alito’s flag fuckery with a thanks but no thanks, the AP reports.

“I must respectfully decline your request for a meeting. As noted in my letter to Chairman Durbin last April, apart from ceremonial events, only on rare occasions in our Nation’s history has a sitting Chief Justice met with legislators, even in a public setting (such as a Committee hearing) with members of both major political parties present. Separation of powers concerns and the importance of preserving judicial independence counsel against such appearances. Moreover, the format proposed a meeting with leaders of only one party who have expressed an interest in matters currently pending before the Court – simply underscores that participating in such a meeting would be inadvisable,” Roberts wrote in response to Senators Dick Durbin and Sheldon Whitehouse’s request.

“Traffic on a pair of California highways turned into a jam when a truck loaded with strawberries overturned, dropping barrels of the fruit into the road. The California Highway Patrol said the overturned truck, carrying about 40,000 pounds of fruit, blocked the northbound connector ramps to Highway 101 and Interstate 880 in San Jose on Wednesday morning and was leaning over a guardrail. The ramps were closed as crews worked to lift the truck upright and remove the fallen barrels of strawberries,” wrote some prick who works for UPI wire service, emphasis ours, to show everyone just how goddamned clever and witty he is with reporting these sort of things.

Oooh look at you Mr Whimsy, taking dry news and making it a little more lighthearted and fun for the whole family. Bet you really felt good about yourself with that “jam” line, didn’t you? Must’ve had that idea for a while, waiting for the perfect moment to break it out when a produce truck or maybe a freight train car or cargo ship or whatever spilled a shit ton of berries following an accident.

Right? Well riddle us this: If you’re so snappy and quick-witted then why didn’t you also write that it was a “berry messy commute for local drivers”? Ouch, right? You’ll probably regret that one for a while. Maybe the rest of your life, right up until you die and they berry you in the ground! LOL!

“Apprentice Employee Claims Trump Used N-Word, Discriminated Against Black Americans on Set – Trump: ‘I mean, would America buy a n- winning?’ A bombshell report this morning from a former ‘Apprentice’ producer newly released from his NDA recalled Donald Trump’s racism on the set of his show and outlined a damning account of Trump using the N-word to refer to a Black finalist on the show, questioning whether the American people would ‘buy’ a Black American winning a show about prowess in business, and fighting back against his colleagues’ recommendation to hire him. The account is just the latest example of textbook racism from Donald Trump, who discriminated against Black tenants, suggested the Exonerated Five should face the death penalty, and launched his political career spreading the racist birther conspiracy theory against President Barack Obama.”

“Biden-Harris 2024 Black Media Director Jasmine Harris released the following statement: ‘No one is surprised that Donald Trump, who entered public life by falsely accusing Black men of murder and entered political life spreading lies about the first Black president, reportedly used the N-word to casually denigrate a successful Black man. Anyone notice a pattern? Donald Trump is exactly who Black voters know him to be: a textbook racist who disrespects and attacks the Black community every chance he gets, and the most ignorant man to ever run for president. It’s why Black voters kicked him out of the White House in 2020, and it’s why they’ll make him a loser a second time this November,'” says the Biden-Harris campaign in a statement on Trump talking like his voters.

I’ve been saying from the beginning.

We will vote for President Donald J Trump even if he’s in jail.

A wrongful conviction will bring a landslide for Trump, and prove to America, Democrats are the party of corruption, communism, and tyrants.

Go ahead, pull the curtain back.

— Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene🇺🇸 (@RepMTG) May 30, 2024

Look, we’re not trying to load you up with hopium and say fat former President Trump’s an absolute lock to become a convicted felon and that would then subsequently make President Joe Biden an absolute lock for reelection. We cannot however help but note how similar this vile maniac sounds to the main Republican line about the political fallout after Dems pulled the trigger and impeached him in 2019. Like the propaganda machine was fucking overheating with declarations that the foregone conclusion of his acquittal would ensure a landslide reelection victory and a deluge of libtard tears.

How’d that work out? Yeah, you could say COVID was what actually cost Trump reelection (and without COVID George Floyd wouldn’t have been murdered, which was what made it close in the end). But keep in mind he was pretty unpopular before the pandemic and there were plenty of early polls before then showing an uphill battle. The whole Impeachment 1.0 clusterfuck also trained the media to tune out the other, later shit about Hunter Biden, especially the “October Surprise” laptop.

The campaign would’ve been about Trump’s lawlessness and corruption, giving Joe Biden plenty to work with. They’re virtues to his base and no one else. It is not a good thing if “convicted felon” is prepended to his name. No amount of gaslighting by this mutant and her ilk is going to unring that bell. It may not guarantee his defeat but in no fucking universe does it actually help him. That the MAGA dickbags just going to say this shit anyway (again) should tell you that they know it too.

A new YouGov/Economist survey bring worrying signs for archconservative Supreme Court Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas as their favorability ratings find them 7 percent and 10 percent underwater, respectively, while concerns over their personal conduct and connections to shady MAGA billionaires grow. The pollsters found just 26 percent of respondents view Alito favorably to 33 percent unfavorably, the remaining 41 percent saying they don’t know enough to form an opinion, while Thomas is at 31 percent favorable, 41 percent unfavorable, and 28 percent don’t know.

And when we say these numbers are “worrying signs” we’re trying to posit a theoretical scenario in which the two of them actually care what regular Americans think about them and would rightly make an attempt to become more open about the process in which they make their decisions that have far-reaching consequences on people’s lives as well as make a renewed commitment to being held to the highest standards of integrity. Like it’s absolutely possible that they could want to polish their respective public images, so accordingly we’re going to frame our coverage of this poll as such.

Not is only is that totally within the realm of potential outcomes here, it’s also an important tenet of journalistic ethics to operate on the assumption that the most powerful jurists in our nation would be steadfast in their adherence to democratic principles and thus responsive to public opinion. Any less would be a serious breach of the decorum expected of we in the Fourth Estate.