“The European Commission is carrying out unannounced antitrust inspections in two Member States at the premises of a company active in the chocolate confectionery sector. The Commission has concerns that the inspected company may have violated EU antitrust rules that prohibit cartels and restrictive business practices, as well as abuses of a dominant market position. In particular, the Commission is investigating possible market segmentation in the form of restrictions on the trade of goods between Member States in the Single Market and obstacles to multi-country purchases,” says a vague statement from the European Commission on a double raid to find the secret to what makes Wonka bars so delicious and why the magical recipe hasn’t been shared with the entire world.

Or it could’ve been some more prosaic sort of monopolistic abuse. When they don’t even name the company let alone the location of the raids it kind of leaves it open to such interpretation.

You will not be surprised to learn that the “DoorDasher” who brought a bag full of McDonald’s to convicted felon President Trump in the Oval Office on Monday is not a DC local who legitimately picked up the order and was invited in, but a woman from friggin Arkansas who delivers for the app.

“A DoorDash delivery made its way to one of the most recognizable addresses in the world today: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Sharon Simmons, a Dasher from Arkansas, marked her order complete at the doors of the Oval Office on the South Lawn of the White House – an unconventional drop-off to commemorate the first anniversary of the No Tax on Tips policy,” says a blog post on the site.

God forbid that someone in another government office nearby actually place the order, rope the likely non-white driver into a brief Secret Service vetting and get their consent to have them meet the president to complete the delivery, and have this be an impromptu event with an actually more-or-less randomly-selected “DoorDasher” that the company could still promote. Barring that, and if it still had to be staged, you have to wonder if they ever even tried to cast someone from DC or if they were just like “fuck it. Arkansas it is.” Can’t really blame them when they knew it’d be hard, if not impossible, to find a local who would be willing to be seen standing next to the orange slob.

Whatever happened behind the scenes, it’s pretty on-brand for DoorDash to be the service to team up with Trump as he tries to promote one tiny crumb he gave to the poors in the Big Beautiful Piece of Shit, as they don’t like New York Attorney General Letitia James either. She got them to pay a $16 million settlement last year over – wait for it – tips they withheld from DoorDash drivers.

“Two of the country’s cult-favorite brands are making the ‘spear in a beer’ dive bar classic ritual a portable reality. Pabst Blue Ribbon and Grillo’s Pickles have joined forces to drop a limited-edition PBR x Grillo’s Pickle Beer, transitioning Grillo’s classic pickle from a garnish to the main event.”

“Clocking in at 4.7 percent ABV, this grab it while you can collaboration delivers a bright, tangy profile that balances the maltiness of PBR’s classic lager with the crisp, dill-forward punch that tastes unmistakably Grillo’s. It’s an easy-drinking, sessionable and refreshing brew that serves as the ultimate sidekick for the summer nights ahead, from the backyard to the beach. It’s here for your good times — not a long time! Get it while it’s cold,” says a press release from Pabst Blue Ribbon that signals a serious play for a market in ironic hipsterdom itself becoming ironic hipsterdom.

It’s actually pretty freaking brilliant: The perfect beer to sip in your vintage Sam Kinison “Out of Control” t-shirt while playing shuffleboard with your buds to the sound of “Two Weeks” by Grizzly Bear to be ironic about 2010 irony culture, which is so dated now. It’s bespoke genius really.

On top of incorrect usage by this stupid hick – it’s “hanged,” not “hung” – Tennessee MAGA Congressman Andy Ogles’s demand for his colleague Eric Swalwell to face summary execution also kind of seems to be calling for his Orange Overlord to face a similar penalty for having done the same to EJ Carroll. Except technically it wouldn’t be “summary” because a court ruled Trump did in fact rape her.

“Much of Corporate America in the past decade embraced the theory that diversity, equity and inclusion policies were good for productivity and profits. A new White House study concludes the opposite: DEI policies that encourage hiring managers on the basis of race undercut the industries that adopted them, and the broader economy,” says the lede to a Wall Street Journal “exclusive” that they printed probably as some kind of access token to patch things up after the lawsuit fail.

But if it wasn’t them then it’d be Breitbart or Fox News and yeah no shit Team Trump wanted the report to come to this conclusion. Or this version of it. Who knows how many were scrapped and how many people were fired for not supporting the conclusion they wanted. It’s not like they want to be studying how higher gas prices undercut the profits industries or the broader economy.

why am I being mogged by a Filet-O-Fish rn pic.twitter.com/vbnXmaJxJ4

— McDonald's (@McDonalds) April 13, 2026

“Mog” was not invented by Clavicular, though the now-sterile “looksmaxxer” freak inarguably did more than any other individual to popularize it. For those still lost, mog is a contraction of “AMOG,” which itself was acronymed from “Alpha Male of Group,” a key fixation of the incel/men’s rights advocate/pickup artist subcultures in that “foids” (“female humanoids”) are attracted to the AMOG, which got verbed into mog, like the fish filet sandwich does, according to McDonald’s… “rn.”

Convicted felon President Trump – or maybe his wiener social media aide Dan Scavino using Trump’s Truth Social account – on Monday gave into the heat from his own worshippers and deleted the previous night’s AI slop post depicting the Satanic cult overlord as a Jesus-like figure.

“Iran’s Navy is laying at the bottom of the sea, completely obliterated – 158 ships. What we have not hit are their small number of, what they call, ‘fast attack ships,’ because we did not consider them much of a threat. Warning: If any of these ships come anywhere close to our BLOCKADE, they will be immediately ELIMINATED, using the same system of kill that we use against the drug dealers on boats at Sea. It is quick and brutal. PS 98.2 percent of Drugs coming into the US by Ocean or Sea have STOPPED!” posted the 21st century’s Chester Nimitz, daring his opponent to place their vessels on the coordinates he’s already selected as his target offensive operation area.

Just ask the tiny plastic Risk artillerymen lodged in his lower intestine since 1968. You don’t mess with the Stratego-ic prowess of the man who exploited Candy Land’s crucial Gumdrop Pass to outmaneuver his opponents in a hard-fought battle to capture King Kandy’s castle. Twice.

Really what Senator John Barrasso is saying is that Democrats are happy right now because everyone’s paying more for gas, which helps advance their “radical climate agenda,” and then in the next sentence it’s “so people understand what the president is doing and agree with him.” Which when you really think about it means… Barrasso is… praising Trump for making sure gas prices increase and the Democrats actually like it… so it’s actually making Democrats look bad…?

House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer’s staff have removed the Wednesday deposition with disgraced former Attorney General Pam Bondi from the schedule for this week, Meidas Touch’s Scott MacFarlane reports and naturally there’s no announcement or explanation from Team Comer.

A federal judge on Monday tossed convicted felon President Trump’s $10 billion defamation lawsuit against the Wall Street Journal and owner Rupert Murdoch over the paper’s publication of Donald’s affectionate 2003 birthday letter to notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

Southern Florida District Judge Darrin Gayles found that Trump had “not plausibly alleged that the Defendants published the Article with actual malice,” which is one way to describe a case that stood on, in the actual words of Team Orange’s Michael Brito, “the defendants’ reliance on a purported letter released over a month after the complaint was filed proves that defendants did not actually possess, or even review, any purported letter before publishing the false and defamatory article.”

Those words alone, deranged as they may be, actually undersell the batshittery of the whole timeline: It was July 17th, 2025 that the Journal printed the text of the letter that they did not yet have in their possession, and the complaint was filed less than 24 hours later. On September 8th, the House Oversight Committee acquired the actual letter from Epstein’s estate and, in a fun little fuck you to Trump, gave it to the Wall Street Journal first. It was a month and a half later that Brito told the court that it was still defamation because they didn’t have the letter yet in July.

HOLY GRAIL: Pope Leo says he has "no fear" and will continue his calls for peace in the Middle East after President Trump criticized him as "weak on crime" and "terrible for foreign policy." pic.twitter.com/CudJ5WQrsZ

— Fox News (@FoxNews) April 13, 2026

Quantifying the effectiveness of the political and civil pushback against convicted felon President Trump’s legions of white nationalist stormtroopers, CBS News reports that the latest numbers show a 12 percent decline in internments by ICE since the January bloodbath in Minneapolis, and within that the average number of detainees without criminal records dropped by 21 percent.

Should be far closer to 100 percent. Not 100 percent because there is of course a kernel of justified enforcement against actual criminal illegal aliens. But they’ve clearly been restrained and another surge – or worse, another execution, during the summer – would be a nightmare for the regime.

Nagged by questions about his health, Philippines President Ferdinand “BongBong” Marcos on Monday stepped outside of his office and, rather than starting by addressing reporters’ said questions verbally, simply did jumping jacks and jogged in place while wearing a suit, the AP reports.

“I challenge anyone who are saying that I am sick, that they come and exercise with me,” Marcos then said. “You come to the gym with me. Let’s see who can lift the weights better. Those people who tell you that I’m sick, that I’m paralyzed, they’re all liars.” The AP does not describe Marcos’s delivery, as in whether he was particularly winded, but the absence of any such qualifier kind of answers that question, as does the apparent ebullience of the statement. The questions from reporters and social media rumors that the 68 year-old leader was on his deathbed did not come from nowhere as in January Marcos was hospitalized with a serious but treatable abdominal issue.

There’s no details in the AP story on what time of day this appearance occurred or, if it was in the morning/early afternoon, whether Marcos retired for the rest of the day. But that’s just needling, the bottom line is that he did the jumping jacks rather than have some unethical, supplicatory quack put his name on a letter that he did not write, a letter describing the president as being in completely perfect health, even healthier than a notorious fitness freak 15 years his junior. Nor did Marcos challenge a 36 year-old leftist congresswoman to a cognitive test and then just not do anything to set up that face-off. Marcos simply did the jumping jacks and said the rumors are bullshit.

Convicted felon President Trump’s worshippers on Sunday and Monday found themselves upset with their messiah for using AI-generated imagery to illustrate their feelings toward him, as though he somehow embarrassed them for simply taking their devotion to its natural conclusion.

Evidently determined to live up to the stereotypes, Politico on Monday printed “Hungary’s Election Sends a Jolting Message — to Democrats” because, and they actually wrote this, “The outcome is a setback for the White House and a humiliation for its best friend in Europe. But the sharpest message from Budapest should be for the Democrats, strange as that may sound…”

It’s like they’re trying to get themeselves a shoutout from “New York Times Pitchbot.”

“Pope Leo is WEAK on Crime, and terrible for Foreign Policy. He talks about ‘fear’ of the Trump Administration, but doesn’t mention the FEAR that the Catholic Church, and all other Christian Organizations, had during COVID when they were arresting priests, ministers, and everybody else, for holding Church Services, even when going outside, and being ten and even twenty feet apart. I like his brother Louis much better than I like him, because Louis is all MAGA. He gets it, and Leo doesn’t! I don’t want a Pope who thinks it’s OK for Iran to have a Nuclear Weapon. I don’t want a Pope who thinks it’s terrible that America attacked Venezuela, a Country that was sending massive amounts of Drugs into the United States and, even worse, emptying their prisons, including murderers, drug dealers, and killers, into our Country. And I don’t want a Pope who criticizes the President of the United States because I’m doing exactly what I was elected, IN A LANDSLIDE, to do, setting Record Low Numbers in Crime, and creating the Greatest Stock Market in History.”

“Leo should be thankful because, as everyone knows, he was a shocking surprise. He wasn’t on any list to be Pope, and was only put there by the Church because he was an American, and they thought that would be the best way to deal with President Donald J Trump. If I wasn’t in the White House, Leo wouldn’t be in the Vatican. Unfortunately, Leo’s Weak on Crime, Weak on Nuclear Weapons, does not sit well with me, nor does the fact that he meets with Obama Sympathizers like David Axelrod, a LOSER from the Left, who is one of those who wanted churchgoers and clerics to be arrested. Leo should get his act together as Pope, use Common Sense, stop catering to the Radical Left, and focus on being a Great Pope, not a Politician. It’s hurting him very badly and, more importantly, it’s hurting the Catholic Church!” posted convicted felon President Trump, lol.

Fuck you! No peace for you! Resign bitch or be expelled! I’ve spent all day today and yesterday working the phones with Dems who are ready to cut you loose!

— George Santos (@Georgesantos) April 13, 2026

“US Central Command (CENTCOM) forces will begin implementing a blockade of all maritime traffic entering and exiting Iranian ports on April 13 at 10 am ET, in accordance with the President’s proclamation. The blockade will be enforced impartially against vessels of all nations entering or departing Iranian ports and coastal areas, including all Iranian ports on the Arabian Gulf and Gulf of Oman. CENTCOM forces will not impede freedom of navigation for vessels transiting the Strait of Hormuz to and from non-Iranian ports. Additional information will be provided to commercial mariners through a formal notice prior to the start of the blockade. All mariners are advised to monitor Notice to Mariners broadcasts and contact US naval forces on bridge-to-bridge channel 16 when operating in the Gulf of Oman and Strait of Hormuz approaches,” said CENTCOM on Sunday.