A student who was wounded after she was made to fight with swords during a high school chemistry class in 2022, is now suing the school district after having been disfigured by a blade in the incident, KRQE in Albuquerque reports.

During the May 2nd, 2022 chemistry class at Volcano Vista High School, the teacher (who was also sued but unnamed in the report) told the class that she had a “surprise” for them before pulling two katana-style swords from behind her desk.  According to the Sacramento Bee, she then had two students duel one another, with the pair hitting the blades and swinging the weapons for a timed two-minute round, before turning the swords over to two girls, during which one of the girls was slashed on the wrist, severing tendons.  Some of the battles were recorded and posted to students’ social media accounts.

The teacher, who had been hired as a special ed teacher the year before, reportedly said she was attempting to do a lesson on metallurgy, but she was fired by the school district.

It’s fun watching Fox “News”–they earned those quotation marks 787.5 million ways–professional bro Jesse Watters slowly become unraveled over how popular Joe Biden’s “Dark Brandon” meme has become. Back in August 2023, Watters was incredulous that the Biden campaign would flip an obscene chant from a NASCAR event to the Democrat’s advantage.

How successful has it been? Watters–who some claim might be a comedian, or not–is obsessed with why people think Joe Biden owning the Dark Brandon meme is funny. It’s simple, Jesse: you thought you owned Biden with the Brandon chant, and now it’s raising him money. Keep publicizing it, please!

The polls close in the four very far western Michigan counties that observe central time in 49 minutes but fuck it, let’s call it: President Joe Biden and fat former President Trump on Tuesday won the Democratic and Republican 2024 presidential primaries in Michigan, at margins to be determined. Biden prevailed over this stupid “Uncommitted” campaign on the Dem side by we’ll find out what percent. Fuck Dean Phillips, lol. Jackass couldn’t even capitalize on all the Muslim Dems opposed to Biden. Trump meanwhile defeated Nikki “Birdbrain” Haley by something percent.

Andrew Nickels, a 37-year-old man from Carmel, Indiana, pleaded guilty for threatening to slit the throat of Republican Rochester Hills, Michigan Clerk Tina Barton, saying she was a sell-out for ensuring the correct election results were reported.  In a deal, he pleaded guilty to a making a threatening interstate communication and will face up to five years in prison.

According to the Justice Department statement, Nickels left a message on Barton’s voicemail saying,   “We’re watching your…mouth talk about how you think that there’s no irregularities…[Y]ou frauded out America of a real election.”  adding “you’re gonna pay for it,” when “ten million plus patriots will surround you when you least expect it.” He added “[W]e’ll [expletive] kill you…[Y]ou will [expletive] pay for your [expletive] lying ass remarks…We will [expletive] take you out. [Expletive] your family, [expletive] your life, and you deserve a [expletive] throat to the knife…Watch your [expletive] back…watch your [expletive] back.”

With a possible federal government shutdown looming on a Friday deadline and another a week later, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson reportedly offered the White House an extension of the current two deadlines, March 1st and March 8th, to March 8th and March 22nd, respectively, according to Jake Sherman.  The extension would maintain funding for everything at current levels, further kicking the can down the road because Johnson doesn’t want to face the wrath of Margie and Matt, either of whom could decide to call for a no-confidence vote in a pique.

A federal judge in the very conservative Northern District of Texas essentially ruled that all the votes held on the floor of the House and Senate that involved proxy votes–an administrative move put in place during the pandemic to assist with the continuing function of government–violated the Quorum Clause of the Constitution, essentially making the votes invalid.

In a case brought by the State of Texas challenging Judge James Wesley Hendrix, a Trump appointee (with a complicated past:  he was originally nominated by Obama for the same seat on the bench) ruled that because the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act was passed using proxy voting to put Congress in session, “the Attorney General, the United States Department of Justice, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, [various named bureaucrats], their divisions, bureaus, agents, officers, commissioners, employees, and anyone acting in concert or participation with them, including their successors in office, are permanently enjoined from enforcing” the law.

Hendrix pointed out that he was not ruling on the law itself, but on the manner in which the law was passed.  “But because the Court is interpreting and enforcing the Constitution—rather than second-guessing a vote count—the Court disagrees. The Court concludes that, by including members who were indisputably absent in the quorum count, the Act at issue passed in violation of the Constitution’s Quorum Clause.”

Meet failed actor and Daily Wire host Michael Knowles, making his National Zero debut thanks to his succinctly demonstrating the idiocy of the conservative push against in vitro fertilization:

“The reason surrogacy and IVF are immoral is because they, they interfere into the family.  They break up the nucleus, the very building block of political society,” Knowles pontificates in one of what is likely regular stupid takes.  “They separate the reproductive from the conjugal act.  They establish the domination of technology over the origin and destination of human life.  And they can have all sorts of unintended consequences.”

Nothing says he’s a giving lover like the term “conjugal act,” eh, ladies?  Knowles, who once said transgenderism (and presumably all trangender people) “must be eradicated” because of morals, seems to forget the Lord and Savior in his professed Catholic faith wasn’t conceived through a “conjugal act” and therefore, according to Knowles himself, is immoral.

Lawyers for disgraced former President Trump and his minions had a tough time Tuesday in their bid to disqualify Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis over her relationship with special prosecutor Nathan Wade, with fake electors asshole Mike Roman’s attorney Ashleigh Merchant kind of losing it as she struggled and failed to nail down special Wade’s former law partner/divorce attorney Terrence Bradley on any BOMBSHELLS. The fate of the case now rests in Judge Scott McAfee’s hands as he will make a determination following arguments in the case within a case Friday.

One of Trump’s co-defendant’s lawyers appeared on Zoom in his boxers like a dumbass. The rest of the hearing was pretty tedious and wasn’t even good background noise for playing Minecraft.

After meeting with President Biden and Congressional leaders at the White House on Tuesday, soon-to-be-former Speaker of the House Mike Johnson stated that he intended to push for a budget deal prior to Friday’s deadline to fend off a partial federal government, the New York Times reports, but he’s got a slew of demand from his fractious caucus to address that may not only jeopardize funding but also, if history holds, will threaten his speakership.

Given a bipartisan bill passed by the Senate, Johnson could bring the bill to the floor and get it passed with a bipartisan vote without any drama.  But given inherent Republican resistance to good order, members of the House GOP want to include everything from banning the shipment of reproduction medication mifepristone in the US mail or its sale in retail locations; blocking a ban on gun purchases from veterans who the VA medical professionals have deemed mentally incompetent; and cutting increases in family food assistance programs.

“On February 12, 2024, the Committee on the Judiciary (‘Judiciary Committee’), along with the Committee on Oversight and Accountability (‘Oversight Committee’) and the Committee on Ways and Means, wrote you requesting a narrow and specific set of material in the possession of the Department of Justice relating to Special Counsel Robert K Hur’s investigation of President Joe Biden’s ‘willful’ mishandling of classified information. On February 16, the Department responded, failing to produce any of the requested material and stating instead that it was ‘working to gather and process’ responsive documents. The Department, however, offered no timeframe by which it expected to make any productions or, indeed, any commitment that it would produce all of the material requested,” writes Jim Jordan in another one of his lame boner-stroking subpoenas.

Massive computer megacorporation Apple has pulled the plug on their decade-long efforts to develop an iCar, which would’ve been like the fucking hippest and trendiest thing ever for douchebags who wear EarPods or whatever they’re called in public, Bloomberg reports.

That sucker probably hasn’t burned that hot since January 19, 2021 when reams upon reams of evidence were fed to it. Biden must be using some kind of special Duraflame not on the market yet.

US Coast Guard cutter Alert, commissioned in 1969, had just days left before retirement when its crew spotted a suspected crew of drug smugglers speeding toward the West Coast and this 1980s cop movie cliche shit doesn’t work that well on boats so we’ll just get to it: CNN reports that Alert seized an estimated $143 million worth of cocaine from the fuckers during this one last tour before it spends the rest of its days fishing in Key West… Well we don’t know what’s going to happen to it next but that’d be pretty goddamned funny if it ended up becoming a fishing tour boat in Florida.

Or if it became the patrol boat for a small-town sheriff in the Keys or the Virgin Islands or somewhere and then the cartel’s other boats come back for revenge over the $143 million they lost.

Buffalo Wild Wings was offering free wings Monday in the United States because Super Bowl went into overtime, Fox5 New York reported about 29 hours ago. It’s a promotion that the chicken restaurant chain had teased for years, and probably thousands of people capitalized upon if they knew about it ahead of time and visited a Buffalo Wild Wings location accordingly.

The offer for six boneless or traditional wings in any sauce or seasoning was open to anyone in the United States but only on Monday, February 26, 2024, from 2 to 5 pm local time only. Important to remember: it was valid only for dine-in or in-person takeout and you could not order through the app or website if you had known about the free wings ahead of time, so you would’ve had to make sure you got off your butt and headed down to B-Double-Dubs to score this touchdown of a deal.

Joe Biden should receive 90% of the vote today in Michigan, no surprise when a Party pro-actively prevents competition and the majority of primary voters are the party faithful.

Nonetheless, to all who take the time to vote in primaries and no matter for whom you vote: THANK…

— Dean Phillips (@deanbphillips) February 27, 2024

Today, I am suspending my campaign for the Presidency of the United States of America and offering my endorsement and unwavering support for President Trump. I would like to thank my family, friends, campaign team, 80,000 plus financial supporters, and the hundreds of volunteers…

— Ryan Binkley (@RyanBinkley) February 27, 2024

Currently sitting down and answering stupid questions from House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer and his pack of dumbasses after months of outplaying them, painting expert Hunter Biden is enjoying an interview free of any video recording so the Comer can’t selectively release any clips and the transcript will be released in as little as 24 hours once a review for minor redactions is complete, meaning the Kentucky dipshit will have two or three Newsmax and Fox News hits at most before it’s made public, CNN reports on why they pay Abbe Lowell the big bucks.

Dem Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth on Tuesday said in a statement she’ll be introducing a bill codifying a right in-vitro fertilization and she’ll be doing so with a request for unanimous consent, which means that it will pass automatically if no Republican objects and forces a vote, effectively cornering the shitweasels on something they’re desperate to avoid, Politico reports.

“The ruling from the Alabama Supreme Court – effectively labeling women who undergo IVF as criminals and our doctors as killers – proves that we were right to be worried,” said Duckworth. “No one looking to start or grow their family, in any state, deserves to be criminalized.”

It can never just be that this asshole who told Republicans what they wanted to hear was playing the FBI with that Hunter Biden bullshit when he was supposed to be informing on Russian intel operations inside the United States. It has to be some larger Deep State conspiracy to silence him and if the Russians ever do pay some cholos to gut him in a shower then here’s their plausible deniability, signed, sealed, and delivered by their willing propaganda pawns in Murdoch Inc.

A new Economic Policy Institute analysis of federal data finds that fully 50 percent of American workforce growth between January 2023 and January 2024 came from immigrants, the Washington Post reports on more reflux for the MAGA worms whom despise all non-native forms of human life.

“Experts say the surge in employment was ultimately key to solving unprecedented gaps in the economy that threatened the country’s ability to recover from prolonged shutdowns,” the Post writes, apparently without realizing that they just kind of validated Replacement Theory.

“Immigration has not slowed. It has just been absolutely astronomical,” said Dallas Federal Reserve Bank Vice President Pia Orrenius. “And that’s been instrumental. You can’t grow like this with just the native workforce. It’s not possible.” George Soros is an immigrant too.

The family of North Carolina man Richard Petty, who the Charlotte News and Observer dubs a “NASCAR legend” in the headline of their story – which we guess means he was a legend at getting national automotive and snack food brands to pay to place their logos on his race car – told the paper’s wire service owner McClatchy on Monday that NC-06 GOP primary candidate Christian Castelli is full of shit when he claimed that Petty endorsed 2024 campaign, pointing out correctly that Castelli simply reused a 2022 endorsement video from Petty and passed it off as current.

Petty is now the seventh public figure to publicly disavow an endorsement for Castelli – who lost that 2022 race to Dem Kathy Manning – and another win for one of his primary opponents, pitiful former Congressman Mark Walker, who himself was humiliated similarly by disgraced former President Trump over his Senate bid during the Tar Heel State GOP’s convention in June 2021.

“Trump repeatedly pushed his daughter-in-law, Lara Trump, to run for the open Senate seat [then being vacated by Richard Burr], but she declined. He then decided—on the flight last month to Greenville, NC, where he spoke at a state party event – to back [now-Senator then-Congressman] Ted Budd in a competitive Republican primary race. The president’s announcement stunned aides and candidates, including Mark Walker, who became emotional when he learned about the endorsement while seated with his family in the audience,” the Wall Street Journal later reported.

Well actually Walker’s been humiliated this year too, as the News and Observer reports that former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, House Speaker Mike Johnson, Senator Markwayne Mullin and Congressmen Gus Bilirakis and Matt Gaetz have either undorsed Walker or never endorsed him in the first place. “I love Richard Petty and NASCAR. Yesterday’s race in Atlanta was an incredible photo finish. We don’t anticipate the same for the 6th District,” Walker wrote in a text to the paper.