PornHub has now disabled its website in Texas. Sites like PornHub are on the run because Texas has a law that aims to prevent them from showing harmful, obscene material to children. We recently secured a major victory against PornHub and other sites that sought to block this law…

— Attorney General Ken Paxton (@KenPaxtonTX) March 14, 2024

In a federal court hearing to determine whether a Florida man charged in the Republican-led January 6th domestic terrorist attack on Congress should be released pre-trial–he was–prosecutors disclosed they believe insurrectionists have formed a network of allies and safe houses where comrades sought by the FBI can hide and get supplies.

According to the Associated Press, recently arrested fugitive siblings Jonathan Pollock and Olivia Pollock were each caught in suspected “safehouse” ranch in Groveland, Florida:  Jonathan had been on the run for two years before being caught while Olivia was caught after 10 months.

Thomas Paul Osborne, the defendant in Thursday’s hearing, had been employed by a third sibling of the Pollocks, and he traveled to Washington with them for the January 6th rally/attack.  Osborne himself is suspected to have harbored a different insurrectionist wanted by the FBI, Proud Boy Christopher Worrell, for six weeks.  Prosecutors suspect Osborne and others are part of a network maintained by members of the Pollock family throughout Florida.  Osborne, however, will be under house arrest at his sister’s home in southcentral Pennsylvania.

“We should be up in arms, on our feet talking about the issues that every single kitchen table is talking about tonight,” South Carolina Republican auditioner Senator Tim Scott emotes earnestly into a ring light.

With tens of people heading to bleak places as polls open in Russia for 2024’s most useless election, National Zero predicts President Vladimir Putin will safely win his fifth term as President for Life of Russia, mainly because he has no serious opposition with a pulse.  Per the Associated Press, even though he’s got a faltering war in Ukraine, had his private mercenary army mutiny, and murdered a popular opposition leader in February, Putin will likely record that he took 65-75% of the vote over the three-day voting period. (Putin has allowed similar vote outcomes to be released in previous “elections.”)

Besides murdering Alexei Navalny, Putin banned two emerging opponents who were running on anti-war policies from appearing on the ballot, and they’re likely planning their exits from the country at this time.  Overall the Putin government has taken such a low-key approach to the election, one observer said it was “doing everything so that the people don’t notice the very fact of the election happening.”

“Of course, Democrats will call Republicans racists, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, Islamaphobic, transphobic that want dirty air and water,” Fox host and Fred-Barney hybrid Sean Hannity lists.  “In other words, Democrats are using fear and division to mask what has been a terrible four years under Biden.  I repeat, they cannot run on ‘Are you better off than you were four years ago?’  This is all they have left.”

We ask this in all sincerity-ish:  Huh?  Four years ago this week, the United States passed the 100 death threshold in the coronavirus pandemic.  It was just the beginning of an era where Trump literally said he took no responsibility for the government’s poor response; a time when the next two monthly jobs reports would reflect 25 million out of work; where hospitals were fighting over portable morgues because of the overwhelming tragedy.  So fuck yes, Sean, we are better off than we were four years ago.

Trump-endorsed Ohio Republican Senate candidate Bernie Moreno is facing questions about an account found in a hacked data dump from an adult hook-up website that appears to show him seeking sex with other men, the Associated Press reports.

An account found in the data from Adult Friend Finder using a private email address long associated with Moreno for an account named “nardo19672” who was “looking for young guys to have fun with while traveling,” according to a profile in the “Men for 1-on-1 sex.”

Of course, Moreno–who is also endorsed by disgraced New York Republican former Congressman and Carnival dancer George Santos–is free to have sexual relations with any consenting adult he cares to, but of course he’s running as a staunch anti-LBGTQ zealot seeking to roll back more rights.

Fit My Feet does amazing work to make custom insoles. Just wait… I’m gonna be so fast! 👟 pic.twitter.com/RujfkjWPrc

— Kristi Noem (@KristiNoem) March 14, 2024

South Dakota Governor (by Opalescence) Kristi Noem is trying to saddle up to her aspirational ticket partner by apparently turning Boardwalk pitchman, selling out what little dignity the South Dakota’s governorship had.   After her teeth whitening fiasco, Noem now pitches a company that makes insoles for shoes, but unlike her dental benefactors, this company is actually from the state that pays her.

Preacher of the House Mike Johnson said on Thursday that he would bring a Ukraine assistance bill to the floor for a vote, which he expects will pass with Democratic support, a line in the sand for some far-right zealots that led to the ouster of his predecessor, Politico reports.

Johnson has said the Ukraine aid bill will be brought to a vote after the federal government funding bills get passed, but negotiations for funding the Department of Homeland Security have reportedly disintegrated, pushing Congressional leaders to consider a year-long stopgap funding measure that would effectively fund operations at the same level for the next twelve months, through the end of the fiscal year.

Two days after Republican South Dakota Governor and woman jealous of the attention Katie Britt is getting Kristi Noem faces legal issues over a fawning five-minute infomercial she filmed for a Texas cosmetic dentistry firm and questions about the legality of the appearance, CNN reports.

Noem’s social media post for Smile Texas raises questions about whether she was compensated for it or if she received treatment from the clinic in exchange for the endorsement.  A consumer advocacy group named Travelers United sued Noem claiming she made an “undisclosed advertisement,” something against state ethics laws.

“I love that my bite is better, that my teeth are a better shape, that they feel better in my mouth.  I can be confident when I smile at people and know that they can actually appreciate and see the kindness in my face and the love that I have for them,” Noem said in the spot.

MAGA Judge Aileen Cannon on Thursday apparently decided that completely dismissing 32 charges against fat former President Trump for stealing classified documents from the White House probably wasn’t going to fly with the public or the rest of the judicial system so she denied the motion and settled for more subtle ways to sabotage the government’s case against fat Donald.

West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin is unlikely to do it, but tells CNN he hasn’t completely closed the door on un-retiring and running as an independent for his seat against fellow corrupt coal baron Governor Jim Justice, all but certain to defeat whatever scrub Democrat shows up.

“I think that’s a long, long, long-shot scenario,” Manchin said. “So I don’t anticipate that happening. I don’t anticipate running,” but added “I don’t know if anything in Washington, DC is 100 percent.”

The letter adds: “potentially allowing China to track the locations of Federal employees and contractors, build dossiers of personal information for blackmail, and conduct corporate espionage.” #TikTok #POTUS

— Edward Lawrence (@EdwardLawrence) August 7, 2020

Found the above post because Donald himself had retweeted it on August 6th, 2020, a month and a half after K-Pop fans organizing themselves on TikTok had famously sabotaged what was to be his big comeback rally in Tulsa in the middle of the pandemic. Now this is what the slob just posted:

“TIKTOK IS LESS OF A DANGER TO THE USA THAN META (FACEBOOK!), WHICH IS A TRUE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE. THEY SPENT $500,000,000 AGAINST ME AND OUR GREAT REPUBLICAN PARTY, ‘LOCKBOXES’ AND ALL, AND SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO DO THAT. TIKTOK DIDN’T. LIKE CROOKED JOE BIDEN, FACEBOOK IS A GREAT THREAT TO DEMOCRACY, AND IT WILL ONLY GET BIGGER AND STRONGER IF TIKTOK IS TAKEN OUT. DO THEM BOTH? – AND RESTRICT THE MONEY ALLOWED TO BE SPENT ON POLITICS, AND LOCKBOXES, BY META/FACEBOOK!!!”

We’re still nowhere near understanding what the fuck “LOCKBOXES” means in the context of the 2020 election. Is it that Zuckerberg’s funding for local elections offices helped them install more ballot drop boxes or something? We’re only conversational in MAGA horsehit, not quite fluent, so if one of the friendly right wingers in our audience can translate that’d be helpful to us.

“Defendant has moved for an adjournment or dismissal based on claimed discovery violations, and also seeks to adjourn the start of trial by 90 days because of the production since March 4, 2024 of approximately 73,000 pages of records by the United States Attorney’s Office. These records were produced in response to defendant’s January 18, 2024 subpoena to that office. The People’s opposition to defendant’s motion is currently due tomorrow, March 15. The People’s opposition will set out in detail our full compliance with Article 245 throughout the discovery process in this case.”

“We submit this notice in advance of that opposition to advise the Court of additional developments yesterday, after defendant filed his motion and after the People submitted our one- page letter response. Specifically, yesterday the USAO produced approximately 31,000 pages of additional records and represented that there will be another production of documents by next week.”

“Based on our initial review of yesterday’s production, those records appear to contain materials related to the subject matter of this case, including materials that the People requested from the USAO more than a year ago and that the USAO previously declined to provide. These developments do not affect the People’s compliance with all obligations under Article 245 and certainly do not warrant dismissal, and the People are ready for trial on March 25. Nonetheless, in light of the distinctive circumstances described below, the People do not oppose a brief adjournment of up to 30 days to permit sufficient time for defendant to review the USAO productions,” writes Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg in a Thursday filing to Judge Juan Merchan, before going on about 157 pages of relevant testimony that SDNY dragged their asses on producing to both sides.

Bragg notes that “the timing of the current production of additional materials from the USAO is a function of defendant’s own delay,” but of course this is going to be spun as a win by the fat defendant and his fanboys as “exonerating” and “the case has collapsed” and blah blah blah.

“Dear user, As you may know, your elected officials in Texas are requiring us to verify your age before allowing you access to our website. Not only does this impinge on the rights of adults to access protected speech, it fails strict scrutiny by employing the least effective and yet also most restrictive means of accomplishing Texas’s stated purpose of allegedly protecting minors.”

“While safety and compliance are at the forefront of our mission, providing identification every time you want to visit an adult platform is not an effective solution for protecting users online, and in fact, will put minors and your privacy at risk. Attempting to mandate age verification without any means to enforce at scale gives platforms the choice to comply or not, leaving thousands of platforms open and accessible. As we’ve seen in other states, such bills have failed to protect minors, by driving users from those few websites which comply, to the thousands of websites, with far fewer safety measures in place, which do not comply.” “Very few sites are able to compare to the robust Trust and Safety measures we currently have in place. To protect minors and user privacy, any legislation must be enforced against all platforms offering adult content. Unfortunately, the Texas law for age verification is ineffective, haphazard, and dangerous. Not only will it not actually protect children, but it will also inevitably reduce content creators’ ability to post and distribute legal adult content and directly impact their ability to share the artistic messages they want to convey with it,” says PornHub in a message to Texans visiting the site. Lol at the “artistic messages” part.

More seriously the Republican voting porn lovers and the assclowns who are eligible to vote but didn’t have only themselves to thank for this. You could’ve had Beto O’Rourke in the governor’s mansion and a Dem legislature that would never pass this kind of bullshit. Serves you right.

Florida MAGA Congressman Rapey McForehead was subpoenaed by a now 20-something year-old woman who says McForehead had sex with her when she was 17 to sit for a deposition in a defamation and racketeering lawsuit brought by Gaetz’s bro, former Florida House member and lobbyist Chris Dorworth, against the woman and other parties, ABC News reports.

The DC Circuit Court of Appeals on Thursday told former Trump White House Economic something and failed board game entrepreneur Peter Navarro tough shit on his attempt to delay reporting to federal prison for a four month bid on a criminal contempt of Congress conviction.

“ORDERED that the motion for release pending appeal be denied. Appellant has not shown that his appeal presents substantial questions of law or fact likely to result in reversal, a new trial, a sentence that does not include a term of imprisonment, or a reduced sentence of imprisonment that is less than the amount of time already served plus the expected duration of the appeal process,” the three judge panel wrote as Navarro faces a deadline to report to the slammer on Tuesday.

Spandex-wearing grapple-freak Congressman Jim Jordan on Thursday threatened to hold Fulton County, Georgia District Attorney Fani Willis in contempt for ignoring his bitching and complaining about her prosecution of fat former President Trump and his minions in the Peach State.

“Today, House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) sent a letter to Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis threatening to begin contempt of Congress proceedings for Willis’s failure to comply with the Committee’s subpoena and document requests. The Committee issued a subpoena on February 2, 2024, after several attempts to obtain voluntary compliance. The subpoena compelled the production of two specific categories of documents: (1) documents and communications relating to the Fulton County District Attorney’s Office’s (FCDAO) receipt and use of federal funds and (2) documents and communications relating to any allegations of the misuse of federal funds by the FCDAO,” said Jordan’s House Judiciary Committee in a statement.

“As I’m on the record saying in the past, what happened in Sandy Hook was an absolute tragedy. I am not and have never been of the opinion that the events did not take place. Again, I hope that we learn from this and other tragedies to identify the signs that will allow us to prevent unnecessary loss of life. My thoughts and prayers continue to remain with the families affected along with the entire Sandy Hook community ❤️” writes New York Jets quarterback and RFK Jr running mate hopeful Aaron Rodgers in a very carefully curated statement on his unorthodox beliefs.

Must really want that second string spot on the RFK offense squad.

Funny how Schumer isn't calling for new elections to replace the leadership of China or Iran. https://t.co/Jk35tDo96a

— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) March 14, 2024

Wonder what this dipshit gets paid to write for the “traditional” conservative outlet. In related news Chuck Schumer’s call for new elections in Israel was met with a less stupid but similarly obtuse take by Mitch McConnell, who said “It is grotesque and hypocritical for Americans who hyperventilate about foreign interference in our own democracy to call for the removal of a democratically elected leader of Israel. This is unprecedented. We should not treat fellow democracies this way at all,” as if an asshole like Netanyahu could ever be reasonably described as a “small-d democrat.”

Four or maybe five times indicted New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez, finding himself a few gold bars short on the funds needed to pay his and his wife’s massive legal defense bills in the upcoming trial on charges that’ll probably put them away for life if sentenced to the max, is looking outside the Congress box for how to keep his attorneys happy and wealthy as he also faces the imminent end of his time in public office too as he has zero chance of clinching the Democratic nomination.

NBC’s Julie Tsirkin reports the idea that’s being floated – very similar to one already understood to be currently in action by other corrupt assclown George Santos – is Menendez running as an independent to raise campaign funds to pay for his legal fees. Getting people to actually to donate is a different story, of course. Then there’s that Menendez’s trial is in less than two months, and it’s probably not going to take very long. Egypt might as well kick in with some straw donations, get a little more ROI before he’s convicted and hopefully fucking finally expelled after that.