Chinese dictator Xi Jingping told President Joe Biden his legions of cybertrolls would stay out of the 2024 election, CNN reports. So according to our calculations, since Trump fanboys believe CNN lies about everything and that Xi would also lie about everything, we’re left with a double negative. Which means MAGA folks should rest assured that China won’t interfere in the 2024 election.

Wow. What the fuck kind of dirt does Picasso-faced Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton have on Trump that Donald himself would post “The great Supreme Court of Texas now has a big choice to make. Enough time and money has been wasted forcing Texas Attorney General, Ken Paxton, to defend himself, instead of defending our broken Southern Border, which is under continual siege. He has already been fully acquitted in the Impeachment Hoax. End the Politicization and Abuse of our Justice System, restore Law and Order and, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” on Truth Social?

It was one thing when Trump posted “FREE KEN PAXTON!” just before the corrupt son of a bitch was impeached back in May or last year. That was politics. It was stupid, funny, and completely understandable – even sort of normal by today’s low standards – that Trump would express support for an ally who had his back when they both tried to overturn a free and fair election.

This though… This is different. Not even just because Trump’s unsubtly trying to intimidate the highest court in the second most populous state in the union. That alone would merit a pickup but wouldn’t be so extraordinarily strange if it were coming, say, Paxton trying to overturn a conviction in his upcoming insider trading trial. All this is because Paxton is petitioning the court simply to avoid being deposed in a lawsuit brought by his former deputies who he fired for reporting his crimes to federal law enforcement – a lawsuit that Paxton already tried to tell the judge that he would not contest any further if he could avoid going under oath, a white flag that the judge rejected.

Maybe Paxton didn’t mention any of that to Trump when he asked him to post that, or maybe he did and Trump ignored the specifics because he didn’t care and just posted whatever. Beyond that – and assuming that Paxton is desperate to avoid inculpating himself criminally, because of course that’s what he’s up to – we’re left with a shit ton of questions as to what if any leverage Paxton has over Trump… or worse, if the deposition itself could somehow end up implicating Donald too.

Fox and Friends host Brian Kilmeade is predictably also freaking the fuck out that Taylor Swift could end up endorsing Biden. “It would be the single dumbest thing a mega superstar could ever do. Why would you tell half the country you don’t agree with them in this highly polarized time? You stay out of it!” said Kilmeade, as if Swift got any blowback for endorsing Biden back in 2020.

You will not be shocked to learn that fat former President Trump’s attorney Alina Habba was full of shit when she wrote a letter Monday to Judge Lewis Kaplan alleging there was some sort of “mentor relationship” with EJ Carroll’s lawyer Roberta Kaplan (no familial relation either) simply because they were employed at the same law firm in the early 1990s – which would not have been disqualifying for either of them anyway – as Roberta Kaplan responded in a letter on Tuesday.

The details of Habba’s fake “incenstuous relationship” themselves matter less than the end, which is where Roberta threatens to pursue sanctions against Melania’s understudy. “While Ms Habba ends her letter by characterizing this as a ‘troubling matter,’ what is actually troubling is both the substance and timing of her false accusations of impropriety by on the part of E Jean Carroll’s counsel or the Court. Accordingly, while we wanted to submit our response to Ms Habba’s letter as soon as possible, we reserve all rights, including but not limited to the right to seek sanctions pursuant to Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 11,” Roberta wrote to the judge.

A Tuesday Connecticut Post article about a man arrested for stealing an ice cream truck from a parking lot in West Haven and going on a joy ride doesn’t contain anything about his motive, raising questions over whether the thief wanted any ice cream at all when he decided to steal the truck.

“The victim reported he was delivering ice cream when the truck was stolen from the parking lot. Officers assigned to the Bridgeport Police Auto Theft Task Force, in coordination with the Connecticut State Police were able to safely get the ice cream truck to stop on the I-95 south Exit 27A off-ramp,” the article quotes West Haven Police Sgt Patrick Buturla, which is great, but what the hell happened with the ice cream? Why couldn’t they tell us if the guy was covered in melted Rocky Road or Cookies and Cream when they nabbed him? Did the cops have an impromptu ice cream party on the off-ramp and blame it on the guy? This story is just s’creaming for more detail.

A purported devoted follower of Jesus Christ bore false witness Tuesday when questioned about the malign, sinful influence of the bloated Orange Antichrist, whilst admitting that he had “spoken at length” with the corpulent demon who has perverted all within God’s kingdom.

“Today, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled to rightfully keep President Trump’s name on the ballot. This latest win is another crushing defeat for the Soros-funded, left-wing activist groups and their attempts to steal the election on behalf of Crooked Joe Biden by disenfranchising millions of American voters. The unconstitutional ’14th Amendment’ cases are being defeated across the country on a near-daily basis and we believe that a fair ruling from the United States Supreme Court will put theses ballot challenges out of their misery. Until then, President Trump will continue to expand his growing lead over Crooked Joe Biden and the desperate Democrats, while fighting off these disgraceful attempts to interfere in the election,” says large-headed Trump Campaign spokesman Steven Cheung in yet another triumphal lib existence-crushing statement.

Problem is, once again for old times’s sake is that Supreme Judicial Court Justice Frank Gaziano did not actually close the door on removing Trump from the general election ballot. “The petitioners’ objections have, in essence, come too soon. If there is any question whether the commission has the authority or jurisdiction to consider the petitioners’ objections regarding Trump’s eligibility to appear on the general election ballot, that question will not become ripe until, and if, he is selected as his party’s nominee for President. That question is not currently before me,” Gaziano ruled.

Missouri Dem Congresswoman Cori Bush is the mystery member under federal criminal investigation for misusing funds disbursed for personal security, Punchbowl’s Jake Sherman reports.

Republicans on the House Homeland Security Committee will on Tuesday hold a hearing to mark up impeachment articles against DHS Secretary Alex Mayorkas for the border something something.

In related news, CNN’s Manu Raju reports that Speaker Mike Johnson again told the House GOP conference meeting that the Senate border bill – which hasn’t even been made public yet – is dead, with white nationalist Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene telling Raju that she “just heard Speaker Johnson saying it’s absolutely dead, which is what I wanted to hear. As a matter of fact, he said so clear, ‘I don’t know why people keep asking me about it,’ because as it stands right now, there’s no way forward.” So expect a lot of shit from Dems over the GOP trying to impeach the DHS Secretary for dereliction of duty while the GOP are committing dereliction of duty.

Well isn’t this headline “Ancient Mayan ruins in Mexico cut off due to drug cartel violence” from Sky News pretty glass half-empty? Sure, you could say these violent maniacs are harming the local economy by blocking access to the sites and – well, yeah it’s not good either if the place is such a lawless hellhole that criminals are operating with such impunity that they can openly rule the roads.

But come on though. Why do you need to be such a Debbie Downer? This is great for those interested in preserving the rich heritage of important Mesoamerican historical sites. Every day those places aren’t being trampled by Crocs-wearing tourists with selfie sticks is another day future generations of archaeologists with enough funding to pay the cartels exorbitant protection fees can conduct field research and make important new discoveries about places like the Yaxchilan ruin and the Lagartero pyramid complex in the Chiapas region. That’s gotta count for something here, right?

Christ, how about a little positivity for once? Everyone complains how the new is always so depressing and here we are with a perfect example of why: Media people are pessimistic toads who, for all their collective experience, don’t get that just a little bit of spin can turn frowns upside down.

Actively assisting Kristi Noem or Elise Stefanik or whoever else’s personal agenda, Time Magazine reports that a number of “Trump Allies” don’t want South Carolina Senator Tim Scott to take the twice-impeached loser’s spot as running mate as he fails two important loyalty tests.

“Trump wants loyalty. He wants someone who was with him in the tough times when it mattered, the person who exemplifies what Donald Trump does not want is Mike Pence,” says a person whom Time describes simply as “a source close to Trump.” Since they didn’t specify that person’s role or job title like “adviser” or “campaign strategist” then it has to be one of the actual contenders trying to knock off Scott for voting to certify the 2020 election and criticizing the Orange God Emperor for his miserably fucking stupid response to the 2017 Charlottesville Tiki Torch Nazi march.

Because those are the signs that Scott is not “loyal” specified from “Trump World.”

https://twitter.com/Lancer227427/status/1751080925440479428

The Detroit News reports that Russell Warren, the Northern Michigan MAGA hick behind the above Twitter account, was arrested by federal agents on Monday and charged with one count of threats against the president and successors to the presidency. Per the News, Warren is the 12th person charged this year with threatening a public official. Per the calendar we are 30 days into this year.

Batshit idiot MAGA Congresswoman Claudia Tenney may have managed to spell “Nobel” correctly in a statement to Fox News announcing she was nominating fat former President Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize for his “Abraham Accords” that nobody really cared about nearly four years ago and still don’t, though it is possible that Fox News’s editors corrected her spelling in the statement.

“Donald Trump was instrumental in facilitating the first new peace agreements in the Middle East in almost 30 years. For decades, bureaucrats, foreign policy ‘professionals’, and international organizations insisted that additional Middle East peace agreements were impossible without a resolution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. President Trump proved that to be false.”

“The valiant efforts by President Trump in creating the Abraham Accords were unprecedented and continue to go unrecognized by the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, underscoring the need for his nomination today. Now more than ever, when Joe Biden’s weak leadership on the international stage is threatening our country’s safety and security, we must recognize Trump for his strong leadership and his efforts to achieve world peace. I am honored to nominate former President Donald Trump today and am eager for him to receive the recognition he deserves,” said Tenney, neglecting to explain how Israel still got attacked on October 7th if Trump really did put a good effort into achieving peace in the Middle East, or why the fuck she can’t think of anything more recent than 2020 to nominate him for since obviously that didn’t earn him the prize.

Nikki “Birdbrain” Haley’s still 99.99999 percent doomed presidential campaign still has enough cash to make it through the South Carolina primary and possibly even to Super Tuesday, propelled by donors who also have to be aware this isn’t going anywhere but want to continue pissing off the Orange God Emperor who wants this thing over with yesterday, the Wall Street Journal reports, while adding that’s just the baseline and there’s more fundraisers planned for the former governor.

Haley’s campaign tells the Journal their newest t-shirt saying “BARRED PERMANENTLY” – a reference to Trump’s Truth Social post last week declaring that “Anybody that makes a ‘Contribution’ to Birdbrain, from this moment forth, will be permanently barred from the MAGA camp” – had sold 15,000 shirts, raising $500,000, which is pretty impressive even without a similar point of reference.

“Ronna Romney may announce her resignation at the RNC Winter Meeting in Nevada this week. She is planning to announce her resignation in Nevada this week to sell her $10 million credit line idea to the 168 RNC members as a way to save face with the Trump campaign by telling them she officially plans to step down AFTER the July 2024 RNC convention in Wisconsin. She wants to buy herself 5 extra months of sabotage. She knows she’s done. But she is trying to walk out in the least embarrassing way possible. The $10 Million credit line is basically a last ditch effort by the RINOs at the RNC to try to control Trump’s campaign and hiring going into 2024 by pretending to fund the election. It’s just not worth it. We can’t allow the RNC to have any influence over any hiring going into 2024. The RNC hates Trump and we have to protect Donald Trump,” tweeted batshit right wing idiot Laura Loomer on Monday. We would’ve embedded it but the text was too long.

Yeah, Loomer’s probably full of shit as – as she is on a lot of things – and it doesn’t make sense for Ronna to resign during an election year and the final year of her final term as chair. Still, Ronna’s been under quite a bit of pressure from the far right to quit and the $10 million line of credit thing amid a cash crunch for the party is very much real, so maaaaaaaybe don’t doubt it 100 percent.

Many times here at National Zero, our job is primarily to add a bit of “humger”–the mix of humor and anger that simultaneously encapsulates shock, disgust, amazement, fear, mocking and myriad other emotions talking about politics in the Trump era evokes.

Then there’s this clip.  It features Ben Shapiro doing something that resembles what would happen if Ben Stiller learned he had to stand in for an Eminem sketch on SNL circa 1998, without the comic self-awareness.  And along with that, you have Fox host Greg Gutfeld making a vaguely anti-Semitic-ish comment.  It has happened:  the conservative Bubble has collapsed upon itself into Ridiculousness, which you can see on MTV virtually 24/7.

In the wake of essentially learning of Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin’s hospitalization through media reports, the White House made sure it was cc’d on the Justice Department announcement that Attorney General Merrick Garland is scheduled for back surgery this weekend, so he will temporarily hand leadership of the department to his deputy, ABC News reported.

Garland will be under anesthesia for approximately 90 minutes for a minimally-invasive unspecified procedure; Deputy Attorney General Lisa Monaco will take the DOJ reins for a time before, during and after the procedure.  While he’ll be working from home during his recovery, he is not expected to be back at the Justice Department office until the week of February 5th.

Employing the defense strategy unsuccessfully used by both Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani in recent court appearances, outgoing NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre admitted in testimony that he improperly used association funds to pay for family travel and that he should not have taken multiple vacations paid for by NRA vendors, the Associated Press reports.

New York Attorney General Letitia James sued LaPierre and three other current or former NRA executives, claiming that there was widespread self-dealing and financial abuse by the executives for the non-profit association.  For example, LaPierre admitted to using $1,000 of NRA funds to buy his wife a designer handbag, and he said he accepted more than half a million dollars worth of private jet flights, including some for flights that he was not on, but instead arranged for family members.

The Iranian government stated it had nothing to do with the drone attack on a US military outpost in Jordan on Sunday that killed three American military personnel and injured more than two dozen, CBS News reports.  The problem with the statement is, Iran built the drone used and it supports the group that took credit for the attack, Islamic Resistance in Iraq.

The attack, at a location called Tower 22, reportedly succeeded because the attack drone came into the base’s perimeter at around the same time a US-operated drone was also returning to the base.  This led to some confusion about drones, allowing it to impact within the base without anti-drone measures being taken.  It’s unclear if the timing of the attack was planned for the return of the US drone or if it was just coincidental.

“Regional resistance factions do not receive orders from Iran, and Iran does not interfere in the decisions of the resistance to support Palestine or defend itself,” Iran’s Foreign Ministry spokesperson said during a press briefing on Monday.

A company linked to flyers left at churches and other locations around Florida advertising free flights out of state for migrants is a Florida-based state government contractor owned by the same Texas company that manages the DeSantis administration’s flights of migrants to Martha’s Vineyard and other locations, the Orlando Sentinel reports.

Written in English, Spanish and Creole, the flyers promote a group called My Bright Horizons which has also contacted churches, local police departments and community-assisting non-profit organizations looking for migrants to fly out of state to fulfill .

My Bright Horizons is an alias of Access Restoration Services, a Texas company allocated $20 million in the state funds to continue the DeSantis program, including being paid $15 million so far this fiscal year.  It is one of several companies Florida pays to ship migrants out of the state.