Norfolk Southern, the railroad that ran the train that derailed in East Palestine, Ohio, announced it will open a fund to compensate homeowners for the value their real estate has lost since the February accident that sent a cloud of toxic chemicals into the air, ABC News reports.

While the amount of the fund is yet to be determined because it’s part of a larger compensation package Norfolk Southern will pay as part of the clean-up and recovery.  Currently, the company has pledged more than $800 million for the clean-up and recovery, including $74 million for the town of East Palestine.  This fund, however, will help compensate homeowners who sold at reduce prices since the accident.

If you’re into newly-single 36-year-old exhibitionist grandmothers intent on destroying the nation, well, today is your day.  It turns out that going to second base with Lauren Boebert at “Beetlejuice” doesn’t guarantee you a second date:  according to the Daily Beast, Boebert has split with Quinn Gallegher, the groper–and to be fair, gropee–seen on security cameras checking the ripeness of the melons while Boebert went to the meat counter.  “Great man, great friend, and I wish him all the best,” she said after humiliating him to a national audience.

“This action simply seeks payment of an outstanding bill for legal services rendered by Plaintiffs in the amount of $1,360,196.10 in addition to scheduling a hearing on the reasonable attorneys’ fees Plaintiffs are contractually entitled to as the prevailing party in this litigation” says the complaint filed in a Manhattan court by MAGA lawyer Robert Costello against alcoholic shitbrain Rudy Giuliani for unpaid legal fees, which further down states that Mayor 9/11 “paid only a portion of Plaintiffs’ fees and disbursements, paying $214,000.00,” out of the total accrued since November 2019 “Each payment was made payable to [Costello’s firm Davidoff Hutcher and Citron LLP]. Defendant’s last payment to [Davidoff Hutcher and Citron] came on September 14, 2023 in the amount of $10,000.”

Sounds like the big fundraiser at Trump Bedminster was a bust. Or Rudy just fucked off on paying Costello and is saving all the money to pay for judgments in the various other lawsuits against him.

You will not be surprised to learn that military officials have recovered pieces of the missing Marine Corps F-35 not in Cuba but in South Carolina as expected, Axios reports.

Possibly having been enlisted as part of a desperate damage control effort for his now ex-wife, Colorado sex offender Jayson Boebert tells the Daily Beast he’s really the one to blame for the crazy QAnon fan Congresswoman’s demented behavior at the Beetlejuice musical last weekend as his infidelity and other white trash douchebag behavior were “the root” cause of Lauren vaping right next to a pregnant woman, fondling her “liberal” boyfriend, and getting kicked out of the show.

“Watching the attacks against Lauren, I feel the people should know the truth of our broken marriage and burden she has carried for too long,” Jayson wrote. “This has been a devastating divorce that I hold all responsibility for. It upsets me that everyone believes she left me over fame or a new lifestyle. That is far from the truth… Much of this is on me because the problem starts at the root. I am the root… I take full responsibility for my actions, and I deeply regret the choices I made that led to the breakdown of our marriage. I was unfaithful to Lauren in so many ways. I should have always brought my best just as she did. My actions were selfish and thoughtless, and I failed to consider the consequences they would ultimately have on the person I hold dearest in my heart.”

Disgraced former President Trump’s plan to “counter-program” the second Republican presidential primary debate, set for next Wednesday, is to head to Detroit and address a bunch of union workers to try and scam some more “blue collar” votes for the next election, the New York Times reports.

The timing is extra non-coincidental given Donald’s insane rants over electric vehicles somehow being the cause behind the growing United Auto Workers’ strike. Trump hasn’t really made any especially bold statements on the matter, he just likes the idea of blue collar workers.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Monday accused the Indian dictator Narendra Modi’s regime of ordering the fatal June 18th shooting of Canadian citizen and Sikh community leader Hardeep Singh Nijjar outside of a temple in Surrey, British Columbia, the CBC reports.

“Canadian security agencies have been actively pursuing credible allegations of a potential link between agents of the Government of India and the killing of a Canadian citizen, Hardeep Singh Nijjar. Any involvement of a foreign government in the killing of a Canadian citizen on Canadian soil is an unacceptable violation of our sovereignty. It is contrary to the fundamental rules by which free, open, and democratic societies conduct themselves,” Trudeau said in an address to Parliament.

Modi’s regime had branded Nijjar a “terrorist” over his support for an independent Sikh state called Khalistan to be carved out of India’s western Punjab region. Trudeau said he had brought up the assassination with Modi during the G20 summit last week, after which the Indian government put out a statement expressing “strong concerns about continuing anti-Indian activists of extremist elements in Canada,” that are “promoting secessionism” and “inciting violence against Indian diplomats, damaging diplomatic premises and threatening the Indian community in Canada.”

The obese orange moron elected and beloved by uneducated white trash Red Staters as a living God used the classified government documents he had stolen from the White House after losing the 2020 election as scrap paper to write to-do lists that he gave to his personal assistant at Mar-a-Lago, ABC News reports citing details of Trump aide Molly Michael’s grand jury testimony.

Michael testified that she had kept a stack of these top secret documents with the to-do lists written on them in her desk at Mar-a-Lago. These were missed in the August 2022 FBI raid on the property, but Michael handed them over after she found them. Michael also testified that when Trump found out she had been subpoenaed he told her “You don’t know anything about the boxes.”

When asked to comment for the story, a Trump spokesworm bitched to ABC about “illegal leaks” that “lack proper context and relevant information… President Trump did nothing wrong, has always insisted on truth and transparency, and acted in a proper manner, according to the law.”

You can feel just a little bit of pain and angst coming off the page of this Vice News story about Sound of Freedom inspiration Tim Ballard. They had to be so close to nailing down the allegations that secretly brought down the real-life anti-sex trafficking activist played by “adrenochrome” freak Jim Caviezel in the QAnon fan-favorite film two months ago when the MAGA assholes wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how many tickets the movie was selling through their astroturfed empty-theater campaign and fat former President Trump hosted a screening at his shitty golf club.

After all, they did get that Ballard had “stepped away” from Operation Underground Railroad, the anti-trafficking organization he founded, under unclear circumstances and that was the same day that Trump announced his movie night in July. They had to be just freaking inches away from getting that Ballard had coerced at least seven of the women he traveled with into sharing a bed and showering with him to “play the part” of sex slavers buying the product human traffickers were slinging. Vice says the details the learned from sources inside OUR are corroborated by an anonymous letter they obtained, alleging sexual misconduct that’s been circulating lately around the Utah Mormon philanthropic community in which Ballard is a (or was) prominent member.

Florida Congressman Rapey McForehead is planning to run to succeed Florida Governor Shorty McMeatball in 2026, sources close to the credibly accused sex trafficker tell NBC News.

“He’s 100 percent in. I think Gaetz is an instant frontrunner and from what I hear he’s already won the Trump primary,” some “Florida GOP strategist” dickhead, probably Gaetz himself, said.

God knows where these morons got this idea but here we are: A number of MAGA Twitter users are pushing the theory that the Marine Corps’ missing F-35 fighter jet somehow landed “safely” in Cuba, sans pilot or cockpit, because something something China has a base there something.

“I wouldn’t worry about Lauren Boebert feeling up a dude in a theater, I would worry how an unmanned American F-35 landed safely in Havana Cuba…” writes Blue Check guy “Gunther Eagleman™” while “Real Mac Report” wrote “🚨Breaking: An unidentified F-35 fighter jet landed in Havana. The Cuban government has not released any information yet,” and you get the picture.

The first Twitter match for anything with “F-35” and “Cuba” in it from the last 24 hours relevant to the current missing fighter jet comes from just one rando with 14 followers replying “Auto pilot compromised. F-35 turned south landed in….Chinese airbase in Cuba ?” to a tweet on the story.

So some idiot just idly speculating turns into a thing in MAGA world, a thing that, despite our admittedly very limited knowledge of military aviation and technology, is exceptionally fucking impressively stupid even by this crowd’s standards. Imagining if somehow a jet flying over South Carolina was somehow “hacked,” with the ChiComs immediately ejecting the pilot after remotely seizing control is like – alright maybe that’s a cyber warfare warning shot or whatever, fine. But to fly the goddamned jet all the way to Cuba and land it safely is just really not possible to anyone and everyone with the most passing familiarity with fluid dynamics. You can’t keep an aircraft stable without the cockpit and more importantly the hatch to stop the air friction from the forward motion as well as the lateral currents and – fuck these tinfoil/horse paste people are just so utterly hopeless.

In all seriousness, it’s actually more plausible that an alien spacecraft tractor beamed the wayward F-35 into its undercarriage and took it home to study primitive Earth technology. But since that doesn’t fit with the “Biden so weak on ChiComs” narrative, we get this bullshit instead.

The American Taliban continues to produce outrageous, patently-anti-American actions, honoring the legacy of their Nazi forefathers by literally setting books containing information they personally do not believe aflame.  Missouri Republican state senators William Eigel and Nick Schroer used flamethrowers to show the heat of their hate as they laughed and joked about violating people’s First Amendment rights in a way duplicating the 1930s acts of their idols.

In a few minutes from now Mediaite, your source for all the latest Joe Rogan, Bill Maher, Stephen A Smith, Charlemagne Tha God, and The View news, will report that Maher has announced that he won’t be resuming production of his show because “both sides have agreed to go back to the negotiating table I’m going to delay the return of Real Time, for now, and hope they can finally get this done,” as if the news has any importance outside of the tiny universe of people who think Maher isn’t an insufferable self-cocksucker and actually enjoy watching his Friday night show on HBO.

And the slightly larger universe of people who admit Maher is insufferable self-cocksucker but still watch his show for various reasons. The story will gather no more than 80 to 120 comments from Disqus users before they move on to the next article, a great majority of them mocking the site for covering Maher’s reversal as if it were important and/or calling Maher a smug douchebag.

Naturally the bloated autocrat neglects to mention that the $6 billion Biden “gave” to Iran in exchange for the American prisoners’ release were financial assets impounded by sanctions. Easier and politically advantageous to pretend it was taxpayer money just given away freely to Tehran.

The fat bastard continued carrying on in subsequent posts, later screaming in all caps at Republicans in Congress to begin initiating removing Biden via the 25th Amendment.

“We’re at a moment where we need a human rights advocate, someone who is dedicated to saving the lives of children and serving mothers in need. Every single candidate should be clear on how they plan to do that. It begins with focusing on the extremes of the other side, and ambition and common sense on our own. Anything later than a 15 week protection for babies in the womb (when science proves they can feel pain) as a national minimum standard makes no sense,” says Susan B Anthony Pro-Life President Marjorie Dannenfelser in a statement to the Washington Post’s Aaron Blake on fat former President Trump’s calling abortion bans “a terrible mistake” on Meet the Press.

Setting aside how Dannfelser called last year’s Dobbs decision “the culmination of almost 50 years of work” for her movement and does not appear to be pushing for a 15 week ban on the underside in states like Texas and Idaho, the fake disappointment here is really something. There is no fucking chance she or her minions are going to end up voting for anyone other than Trump next year when he’s the nominee. You don’t like that he’s pretending to “move to the center” because he’s assuming correctly that he has the nomination locked away? What kind of dipshit who claims to be an activist fail to understand such a basic, entry-level example of fundamental political physics?

She can at least take solace in the reality that Trump is almost guaranteed to sign a total national ban on abortion if he were to get reelected with GOP majorities in both chambers of Congress.

The United States Marine Corps is putting the word out to South Carolinians to speak up if any of them might to know what happened to their $78 million, 51 foot long, 24.5 ton Lockheed Martin F-35 Lightning II fighter jet that they kind of lost track of after the pilot ejected during a training flight in the vicinity of Lakes Moultrie and Marion near Charleston on Sunday, the New York Times reports.

It’s pretty important. They wouldn’t be bothering people if it was just like a helmet or a case of field rations that got lost. So if any was out hiking or bird watching or whatever and happened to see a fighter jet falling out of the sky they should call the Marines. Even if you might have just seen a fiery explosion from the plane impacting the ground instead you should let them know. They’re definitely going to want to go check it out and it’s no big deal if the explosion was unrelated. Thanks!

Five American prisoners were released from Iranian custody on Monday in exchange for the US unfreezing $6 billion in assets and sending five Iranian nationals held here, currently en route to Qatar in a jet, CNN reports on a foreign policy win for the Biden Administration.

In a supplemental motion submitted Sunday to the court pointlessly demanding DC Circuit Judge Tanya Chutkan recuse herself from disgraced former President Trump’s federal coup attempt trial, the fat bastard’s lawyers responded directly and very bitchily to the opposing motion filed last week by Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith’s team defending Chutkan. Team Trump were evidently triggered when Smith’s deputies wrote that Chutkan’s “statements addressing this sentencing mitigation argument were factually accurate, responsive to arguments presented to the Court” when sentencing January 6th defendant Christine Priola, who had literally tried to blame Trump for inciting her to attack the Capitol in her October 2022 sentencing memorandum.

“I see the videotapes. I see the footage of the flags and the signs that people were carrying and the hats they were wearing and the garb. And the people who mobbed that Capitol were there in fealty, in loyalty, to one man – not to the Constitution, of which most of the people who come before me seem woefully ignorant, not to the ideals of this country, and not to the principles of democracy. It’s a blind loyalty to one person who, by the way, remains free to this day,” Chutkan had told Priola at the sentencing after hearing out her arguments for leniency, which the Trump lawyers zeroed in on.

“The prosecution misleadingly argues President Trump has not established the Disqualifying Statements derived from an extrajudicial source…t he events of January 6 have been the subject of pervasive news coverage, especially in Washington DC. No reasonable person could conclude that the Disqualifying Statements were based on information connected to judicial proceedings, rather than upon news reports or other ‘extrajudicial sources.’ Although the Court’s statements may have been intrajudicial, the basis for those statements was undoubtedly extrajudicial,” Team Orange complained in the supplemental motion, apparently believing they speak for all reasonable people when they think this is an argument that this har-splitting bullshit will get a judge to recuse.

An update on my health and my plans for serving #VA10 in Congress. pic.twitter.com/815hxhtRBv

— Rep. Jennifer Wexton (@RepWexton) September 18, 2023

Man that sounds fucking awful. Almost nothing else to say other than thank her for ending her service by doing the right and responsible thing for her constituents instead of dragging it out defiantly, and hoping that she spends far more of the time has left crossing off lines on the bucket list than she does in hospitals and doctors’ offices and other such tedious, depressing bullshit.

Continuing his legal counteroffensive against the malign forces relentless in their quest to use him to destroy his father’s presidency, Hunter Biden on Monday filed a lawsuit against the IRS for allowing those two “whistleblower” assholes to violate his privacy rights, the Washington Post reports.

“This assault on Mr Biden’s rights involved the public disclosure of his confidential tax information during more than 20 nationally televised and non-congressionally sanctioned interviews and numerous public statements,” the complaint, filed by Hunter’s legal attack dog Abbe Lowell, reads, alleging that the improper disclosures from the two dickheads “detailed allegations regarding the specific tax years under investigation, the amounts of deductions, the nature of those deductions, and allegations of liability regarding specific tax years and the amount thereof, that could only be known to them based on a review of the physical tax returns themselves.”