“Susie Wiles is an incredible Chief of Staff, a great person, and one of the strongest people I know but, unfortunately, she has been diagnosed with early stage breast cancer, and has decided to take on this challenge, IMMEDIATELY, as opposed to waiting. She has a fantastic medical team, and her prognosis is excellent! During the treatment period, she will be spending virtually full time at the White House, which makes me, as President, very happy! Her Strength and her Commitment to continue doing the job she loves, and does so well, while undergoing treatment, tells you everything you need to know about her. Susie, as one of my closest and most important advisors, is tough and deeply committed to serving the American People. She will soon be better than ever! Melania and I are with her in every way, and we look forward to working with Susie on the many big and wonderful things that are happening for the benefit of our Country!” posted the flabby toddler on Monday.

Convicted felon President Trump on Monday confidently predicted to PBS News reporter Liz Landers that “the oil prices will drop like a rock” as soon as his unilaterally-declared war with Iran is over, which he then said will end “as soon as the war is over and… I don’t believe it will be long.”

Pressed for more specifics on a timeline, Trump then said “I don’t want to say. I never want to say that because if I’m two days late, you’ll criticize me.” The twice-impeached personality cult leader was similarly evasive on the subject of ground troops beyond deployed to action against the Islamic theocratic regime, telling Landers he doesn’t “wanna say” one way or another, adding “I just don’t want to talk about that, because I’m not gonna talk about strategy with a reporter. OK?”

After reviewing 67 year-old rapist Jack Covert’s appeal of his minimum 52.5 year sentence imposed by a Luzerne County court last January after multiple convictions on violent sexual offenses committed since the 1990s – some of them against children – with Covert arguing that he should be entitled to a “discount” from the effective life sentence on the basis of his advanced age and health condition, the Pennsylvania Superior Court on Monday issued ruled that senior discounts aren’t actually a thing in the Keystone State’s justice system, the Wilkes-Barre Times-Leader reports.

The decision upholds a tradition of affording trial judges’ discretion in sentencing as finders of fact and neutral accountants of debts to society as well as affirming the contrast of that sacred responsibility with servers at establishments such as Denny’s, Bob Evans, and Perkins, who are required to apply senior discounts to dining checks without question if a guest has provided sufficient proof of that they qualify for the abatement. It’s quite possible that Covert’s experience consuming items on the Denny’s 55+ menu informed his misconception of its universality.

“After review of the record, we determined that the court did not abuse its discretion. The court’s imposition of an aggregate sentence of 52 and one-half years to 112 years’ imprisonment is not grossly disparate” to Covert’s decades of sexual abuse against multiple child victims, nor does it viscerally appear as patently unreasonable….The court properly determined that a lengthy term of imprisonment was essential to vindicate the devastating impact Covert’s crimes had on the victims’ lives as well as to protect the public from Covert,” the three judge panel wrote in the ruling.

Republican donors down on Vice President JD Vance’s subhuman jawline and laborious pettifoggery are instead looking to invest in Secretary of State Marco Rubio as the clarion of tough-talking, no bullshit, 100 percent authentically always-says-what-he’s-thinking messenger of America First to defeat the pro-Iranian homo leftist party’s Denmark First candidate in 2028, ABC News reports.

Some in the party disputed the notion that the donor class would be successful in reinventing Rubio, a brown-skinned Floridian with a vaguely foreign twang to his speech who would have to work hard to win over the large swathes of conservative voters who desire to see him deported back to Cuba.

“Donors don’t pick the nominee — the base picks,” a GOP operative told ABC. “Donors tried to abandon President Trump and tried to pick [Florida Gov Ron] DeSantis, and we all saw how that went,” the operative added, unintentionally alluding to the reality that a President Ron DeSantis in early 2026 would probably be hovering at about a 51 percent approval rating to 35 percent disapprove amid accelerated immigration enforcement carried out competently and with little to no collateral damage, economic growth unencumbered by delusional trade policy or directionless military action in the Middle East, and effective entrenchment of conservative cultural priorities in healthcare, education, and law enforcement, all leaving Democrats facing grim electoral prospects.

High-level intelligence community officials charged with briefing the president of the United States on the crucial information ascertained through the most sophisticated sources and methods known to mankind exclusively shared with the New York Post’s national security reporting team the stunning revelation that Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei is secretly a gay.

Sources present in the situation room when the explosive intelligence was conveyed to the president during a briefing last week described his reaction as stunned, which quickly turned to laughter that his mortal enemy is a gay. One senior intel official disclosed that he personally “has not stopped laughing about it for days,” and that the president has since been telling anyone and everyone he encounters that Mojtaba is a gay with a compulsion for male sexual contact.

“The fact that this was elevated to the highest of high levels shows you there’s some confidence in this,” another high level source told the newspaper. Another insisted the intel on Mojtaba’s gayness is “derived from one of the most protected sources that the government has,” and that, during ongoing treatment for his injuries purportedly sustained during an Israeli airstrike, Mojtaba made “aggressive” sexual overtures to his medical staff while under the influence of painkillers.

Intel officials did not elaborate on what the Iranian Supreme Leader’s alleged homosexuality may mean for permitting safe passage of transnational shipping through the contested Strait of Hormuz.

Remember, blackpilling is loser mentality.

Wake up ready to win tomorrow.

— James Blair (@JamesBlairUSA) March 16, 2026

In a Wall Street Journal exclusive printed on Sunday and headlined “Oil Industry Warns Trump Administration That Fuel Crunch Will Likely Worsen” there aren’t any direct quotes from anonymous source but a “senior administration official said that the administration knows prices are going to continue to rise but there isn’t a lot it can do at the moment,” which is interesting because Americans were told differently during 2021 through 2025, particularly in 2024, when the message was that it was a simple as voting to return convicted felon President Trump to power.

“The Pentagon has told the administration that options exist to open the strait, and the administration wants that to happen in a matter of weeks, not months,” the passage continued, emphasis on the expression of desire in place of “will make that happen,” or even a more contingent but still optimistic “expects to make that happen,” or an effort-focused “working tirelessly to make that happen.” It’s simply what they “want” rather than what they will do to unfuck this.

Brent crude oil futures touched $105 per barrel on Monday before sinking back down to a still pretty goddamned high $97.24 as of this printing, CNBC reports on more pain for the regime.

“The Courts treat Republicans, and me, so unfairly, always seeming to protect those who should not be protected. They are highly politicized. Cases don’t matter, the Judge does! As an example, how is this absolutely terrible Federal Reserve Chairman, Jerome ‘Too Late’ Powell, not even allowed to be investigated for the horrible job he does? How is he allowed to be Billions of Dollars over budget, and years behind schedule, on the simple renovation of the small Federal Reserve Complex in Washington, DC, where he created an absolute disaster – A money pit, and embarrassment to our Country for the whole World to see! It is a little project that has been under construction for many years. The Contractor on the job, along with Powell, should also be heavily investigated, in that it is impossible for a ‘professional’ to have such enormous Cost Overruns. It is THE HIGHEST PRICED BUILDING, PER SQUARE FOOT, OF ANY PROJECT EVER BUILT, with no end in sight, and may not even be open for many years to come. I strongly criticized Jerome ‘Too Late’ for his horrible performance throughout his tenure, which is either gross incompetence, total dishonesty, or both.”

“And, in return for this well justified criticism, get viciously and wrongfully blamed by, as usual, a Wacky, Nasty, Crooked, and totally Out of Control Judge, named James Boasberg, a man who suffers from the highest level of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS), and has been ‘after’ my people, and me, for years. The DC Circuit eagerly supported the arrest and persecution of innocent Republicans for no crimes at all, but is now preventing even a basic investigation into the gross financial mismanagement of the Federal Reserve. In case after case, Boasberg has displayed open, flagrant, and extreme partisan bias and contempt against Republicans and the Trump Administration. To preserve the integrity of the Judiciary, he should be removed from all cases pertaining to us, and suffer serious disciplinary action, as should numerous other Corrupt Judges that, unfortunately, our Country has had to endure! What Boasberg has done on the ‘Too Late’ Powell case, and many others, has little to do with the Law, and everything to do with Politics.”

At some point during this 20 minute conversation on his plane, convicted felon President Trump responded to a press pool reporter’s question of “Do you have a comment on the six service members who died last week?” with “Who else?” and picked another reporter.

FCC incel Brendan Carr was chillin with his top homedawg Pre$ident TRUMP at his palatial corruption and prostitution den in South Florida on Saturday when Carr tweeted “Broadcasters that are running hoaxes and news distortions – also known as the fake news – have a chance now to correct course before their license renewals come up. The law is clear. Broadcasters must operate in the public interest, and they will lose their licenses if they do not,” and so on while citing Trump’s meltdown over coverage of the war, Carr himself confirmed to CNN’s Brian Stelter on Sunday.

The “confirmation” was really only by dint of Carr being on the same plane as Stelter and not denying that he had been with Trump when he posted the tweet. He did not say anything further about whether Trump had directed him to make the threat or whether he dictated it word for word.

Carr probably got the content by using his ouija board to channel Joseph Goebbels again.

Peruvian presidential candidate Napoleon Becerra, leader of the leftist Workers and Entrepreneurs Party of Peru, on Sunday took a sharp left turn on infrastructure – an issue that has bedeviled both candidates and elected officials alike in the rugged and politically turbulent Andean country for generations – so far left in fact that it’s safe to say the turn will be fatal to his presidential ambitions.

Well technically it was Becerra’s chauffeur, Carlos Enrique Peñaloza Salazar, whose sudden swerve on a key section of the national road network sent the campaign’s leadership into a ditch and killed any chance Beccera had in the race, as well as the 61 year-old Becerra himself, Inforegion reports.

Well technically Beccera was going to lose anyway as, according to the AP, he was polling at 1 percent in the 36 candidate field. It’s not clear how many of the other 35 will show up at Beccera’s funeral to try to consolidate the field from the mourners. Probably at least like three, right?

The chairman of the House Intelligence Committee Rick Crawford (R-AR), a former rodeo cowboy and country radio DJ from Arkansas whose range of access to the national threat matrix is significantly closer to that of the President of the United States than most people ever realize, told NewsNation’s Chris Stirewalt on Sunday that for all he knows the hundreds of Iranian sleeper cell terrorists that Joe Biden allowed into the country have already been arrested by the FBI, he has to check if the Justice Department has put out a press release on the successful sweep.

In totally unrelated news, the Times of Israel reports that Ayman Mohamad Ghazali, the asshole who was thankfully shot dead by a security guard before he could kill anyone else at a Jewish school in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan on Thursday, is the brother of a Hezbollah commander who was killed in a IDF strike last week – along with another brother, both their wives, and children. Ayman Ghazali, a US citizen naturalized in 2011, had been considered for surveillance due to his familial ties to the Iran-backed Lebanese Shiite militia, but the Trump Regime for whatever reason decided against it.

Worth mentioning here is that DHS had kept a database of Israelis held hostage in Gaza following the October 7th attacks and detained a 20 year-old former IDF soldier when she arrived in New York City last year – because they hadn’t updated it to reflect her release from captivity and thus thought she was an impostor. So it makes sense they would also and not keep an eye on the known brother of a target on Israel’s kill list who just got crossed off along with innocent women and children.

In a landmark decision upholding a future wasteland dweller’s legal right to use lethal force to defend oneself against a perceived threat to life, liberty, and 15 year supply of freeze-dried lentils, the South Dakota Supreme Court this week ruled in favor of a resident of an apocalypse survival bunker-themed gated community who shot a property management employee as he approached the unit amid the man’s heated disputes with the management firm, South Dakota Searchlight reports.

The trouble at the Igloo Bunker complex began in the summer of 2024, when the resident, David Streeter, became increasingly frustrated with the property management firm Vivos xPoint’s handling of his complaints about ongoing issues with community’s septic system and yes the whole fucking point of prepper culture is NOT having to rely on timely maintenance service by some slapdick real estate syndicate like you’re living in the goddamned Villages, but let’s not get sidetracked here.

On August 23rd of that year Streeter, a former cop, chased down a Vivos vehicle that sped past his bunker and shoved the employee back into his seat during the confrontation. Later on there was a second verbal altercation with a different staff member, leading a third, Kelly Anderson, to declare via text message to another resident that he was going to teach Streeter a lesson. That resident, a mutual acquaintance, then warned Streeter that Anderson was on the way. That was also via text, rather than a crank-powered CB shortwave radio that they should be practiced in using now so they can coordinate defense against hordes of the ghoulishly luminescent 5G nanobot-zomb…

“The United States of America has beaten and completely decimated Iran, both Militarily, Economically, and in every other way, but the Countries of the World that receive Oil through the Hormuz Strait must take care of that passage, and we will help – A LOT! The US will also coordinate with those Countries so that everything goes quickly, smoothly, and well. This should have always been a team effort, and now it will be – It will bring the World together toward Harmony, Security, and Everlasting Peace!” posted the Supreme Commander of Earth on Saturday.

“Yet again, an intentionally misleading headline by the Fake News Media about the five tanker planes that were supposedly struck down at an Airport in Saudi Arabia, and of no further use. In actuality, the Base was hit a few days ago, but the planes were not ‘struck’ or ‘destroyed.’ Four of the five had virtually no damage, and are already back in service. One had slightly more damage, but will be in the air shortly. None were destroyed, or close to that, as the Fake News said in headlines. The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal (in particular), and other Lowlife ‘Papers’ and Media actually want us to lose the War. Their terrible reporting is the exact opposite of the actual facts!”

“They are truly sick and demented people that have no idea the damage they cause the United States of America. Fortunately, as proven by our Great and Conclusive Election Win in 2024, the People of our Country understand what is happening far better than the Fake News Media!” posted a particularly agitated convicted felon President Trump from Mar-a-Lago on Saturday.

Accusing the media of wanting you to lose a war is certainly one way to project strength and dominance over them and the opposition party. Not really one most would consider to be an effective way, but hey it’s worth a shot. Maybe the Journal, Times, and CNN will do a full 180.

The embarrassment continued as the fat bastard later posted “Many Countries, especially those who are affected by Iran’s attempted closure of the Hormuz Strait, will be sending War Ships, in conjunction with the United States of America, to keep the Strait open and safe. We have already destroyed 100 percent of Iran’s Military capability, but it’s easy for them to send a drone or two, drop a mine, or deliver a close range missile somewhere along, or in, this Waterway, no matter how badly defeated they are. Hopefully China, France, Japan, South Korea, the UK, and others, that are affected by this artificial constraint, will send Ships to the area so that the Hormuz Strait will no longer be a threat by a Nation that has been totally decapitated” and blah blah blah blah…

First responders in regions hit hard by tornado outbreaks last weekend were surprised when they accessed a FEMA-provided tool featuring an advanced API that maps in almost real-time the paths of destruction caused by twisters only to find it inoperable, all thanks to outgoing dog murderer DHS Secretary Kristi Noem’s failure to renew the $200,000 contract with the vendor, CNN reports.

At least 11 Americans have been killed in tornadoes this month, a season already active given wild temperature swings in the nation’s interior. There’s no way of knowing what if any impact the throttling has had on response efforts or whether it made the difference between life or death for those affected, but hey let’s replace every ICE agent’s service pistol with a squirt gun and see if they can adapt to the changes. It’s effectively the same thing that firefighters are stuck with.

“Rescuers were flying blind, having to drive around or use news reports to figure out where the impacts were,” a DHS official told CNN. It’s not clear why the past-tense “were” is in that sentence as the contract – as of the article’s printing on Friday morning – still had yet to be renewed, simply because it’s worth more than $100,000 and thus subject to Noem’s personal approval. “And when a tornado hits in the middle of the night, every moment counts,” the official added.

NOBODY RUIN THE ENDING! It will kill all the suspense. Who the hell wants to get all invested in a movie only for some prick to say which side won the conflict depicted here? Lots of people had what ended up happening to the ship in Titanic ruined for them back in 1997. We don’t want a repeat.