Probably realizing it will be a waste of time considering he’s already likely to lose, Trump lawyer Joe Tacopina on Tuesday informed the court in writer EJ Carroll’s rape trial that the fat former president will not be taking the stand to testify in his defense, Law and Crime’s Adam Klasfeld reports.

DISCLAIMER: National Zero’s legal department hereby assumes no liability for claims presented in the headline and demands that all readers imagine the word “alleged” prior to “Orange Rapist”

As much as we would like to be cheekier with this sort of thing, feigning ignorance of the situation while linking to a certain story from earlier on Tuesday, we have to spell it out. Pornhub blocked itself in Utah ahead of a new law requiring users to upload an image of their ID on Wednesday, leading to the above situation which you can see for yourself on Google trends. For those who still don’t quite get it, we’ll drill down even further: VPN stands for “Virtual Private Network,” a proxy server which users in the Mormon state can use to trick Pornhub into thinking they’re in another state, thereby allowing unfettered access to whatever depraved video content they desire.

A 41-year-old woman from Pensacola, Florida was charged with battery after throwing a drink at alleged child sex trafficker and Florida Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz at a wine festival in the Panhandle, the Pensacola News Journal reports.

Selena Jo Chambers was also charged with one count of misdemeanor battery and one count of battery on an elected official, a felony, after she threw her drink on the snowflake Gaetz at the South Walton Beaches Wine and Food Festival.  It’s not the first time that’s happened to Gaetz:  in 2019, a former political opponent doused the louse as he left a town hall meeting at a local brewpub.

“If we start allowing stuff to be thrown or hurled, if we allow people to be harmed, there is a severe risk of escalation and accident,” Gaetz said on his podcast Tuesday, because that’s what he’s paid to do as a Congressman. “And we don’t want to see anyone in harm’s way, whether it’s family members, supporters or even our detractors. We want them to be safe too, but when they really cross the Rubicon beyond just words to throwing stuff and striking me and striking a gentleman I was speaking with, with a drink, then that has really caused harm to our community. And it’s something that we want to contain and extinguish and not see going forward.”

Fat former President Trump is likely to skip one or both of the first two GOP primary debates due to bullshit tantrums over Fox News and the Reagan Library, sources tell the New York Times.

The Wisconsin state Supreme Court on Tuesday ruled against Allen Gahl, an ivermectin crusader who wanted them to force a hospital to administer the miracle horse paste to his uncle John Zingsheim, who was placed on a ventilator due to being an unvaxxed MAGA dipshit in October 2021, months after he could’ve gotten the COVID-19 shot, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports.

Gahl had sued after Aurora Health Care refused to treat Zingsheim with a prescription written by an outside physician and appealed up the state Supremes, who ruled against him 6 to 1. The court still has a 4-3 conservative majority as Justice-elect Janet Protasiewicz won’t join the bench until this summer but obviously that wouldn’t have made a difference since three of the four right wing justices still denied the appeal. It’s not clear what happened to Zingsheim during the year and a half his asshole nephew was carrying on with this case, the Journal-Sentinel’s article doesn’t say it. He’s probably not still in the hospital, one way or the other. Gahl was represented by third-place 2022 state Attorney General GOP primary finisher Karen Mueller, whose failed campaign had centered on a platform of prosecuting doctors for refusing to prescribe – you guessed it – ivermectin.

Meet GIPPR, the conservative AI chat bothttps://t.co/BwkKFKOSYa

— RSBN 🇺🇸 (@RSBNetwork) May 2, 2023

Yeah, it’s funny that there’s now a “conservative AI chatbot” which we’re sure works like shit compared to ChatGPT and the other professionally-engineered ones. And yes, the name is of course a callback to Ronald Reagan. But Jesus freaking Christ calling it THAT sure comes across as a pretty lazy plot development to those of us on The Hill/Mediaite side of the Disqus-verse over the last half decade. A right wing bot that spews hateful shit on the internet just had to be GIPPR.

Former employees of MAGA influencer Steven Crowder tell the New York Post that the anti-semitic dipshit is every bit as abusive and unhinged in the workplace as he was to his now ex-wife on that “deceptively edited” Ring camera video of them at home, with the ex-employees saying that Crowder exposed himself constantly to them and at least twice rubbed his cock on staff members.

Describing one 2018 incident when the staff were returning home in a van from an appearance at a college, a source told the Post that Crowder “climbed over and dropped his junk on top of [team member] Jared’s shoulder,” and in another Crowder rubbed his balls on his assistant. “It was childish. But then I found out this was something he did. At first, I took it as him trying to be friendly or one of the guys. Now I see it was a power play,” said one of the ex-employees.

President Biden is seeking to deploy 1,500 National Guard troops to the US-Mexico border ahead of an expected surge of migrants as COVID restrictions end, the Associated Press reports on what will surely cause fanboys to freak out over “Sleepy Joe” doing exactly what they want him to do.

The troops will be there not in a law enforcement role but to assist in administrative and other tasks while regular Border Patrol officers can work in the field after the COVID restrictions expire on May 11th, according to the AP. That screaming you may or may not hear in the distance is likely from the Fox News writers’ room as they realize that they missed a golden opportunity to gin up another bullshit “caravan” for which they can act like Biden is responding directly to their coverage.

A new survey of Silver State voters by the Nevada Independent and Noble Predictive Insights finds the Lord of Ice Cream leading the Orange God Emperor 48 to 40 percent among Nevadans, while Biden leads heels-wearing Florida Governor Ron DeSantis by a much tighter 43 to 42 percent.

Biden’s job rating sits at 42 percent approve versus 53 percent disapprove. Yeah, the election’s 18 months away and anything can happen and all that shit, but the clear contrast between the approval and the matchup against Trump should give pause to the fanboys thinking it’ll be a cakewalk.

The lib Twitter reactions to CNN’s Monday announcement that they’ll be holding a town hall event in New Hampshire starring disgraced former President Trump are pretty over-the-top. Of course some skepticism and unease are warranted, after all you can blame the mainstream media’s coverage much more than Russian propaganda for getting the fat orange fuck elected back in 2016.

The format they tout doesn’t do much to allay suspicions, as CNN says the live May 10th broadcast from St Anselm College will feature Trump “taking questions from New Hampshire Republicans and undeclared voters who plan to vote in the 2024 GOP presidential primary” while morning anchor Kaitlan Collins moderates. God knows what kind of pre-screening the audience members will have to go through to get a chance at the mic with the Orange God Emperor. There’s also no mention of Collins – who is no cupcake – asking Donald any questions herself, much less hard ones.

Should CNN be doing this? Probably not. But every commenter weighing in on the plans and who is maybe correctly pissed at the network over this is ignoring the more important question: Is this going to end without Trump either during or afterwards throwing a massive fucking tantrum?

Does anyone who thinks CNN is throwing Trump a lifeline realize how long it’s been since the last time Trump was outside of his MAGA media bubble, on live television, no less, where he had to face actual scrutiny? Of course CNN can and maybe even will fuck it up somehow and no matter what happens they’re going to take some heat from the Substackers over this or that softball question.

That doesn’t mean that this is going to end up a net positive for Trump’s campaign, where he’s already cruising to the 2024 Republican presidential nomination. Put simply, there’s a far greater chance that this ends up being yet another disastrous shitshow on par with the first Biden vs Trump 2020 debate than it does with a sudden boost in Donald’s likability ratings among swing voters in Arizona and Wisconsin. Nobody’s going to remember why they were mad at CNN if it’s the former.

Both nationally-known organizations founded by British-Canadian-American hipster-turned MAGA men’s rights activist Gavin McInnes as on Monday VICE Media, which McInnes launched as a Gen X culture magazine in Toronto in 1994 before moving to New York City warned they face bankruptcy if they don’t find a buyer soon while the leadership of the far right fascist street gang the Proud Boys, founded by McInnes in 2016, faced ongoing jury deliberations in the seditious conspiracy case brought by federal prosecutors over their spearheading of the January 6th Capitol insurrection.

McInnes meanwhile hosts some stupid podcast called “Get Off My Lawn,” escaping the consequences of both disasters he set in motion. “RIGHT WING GOSSIP: Tall people are never homeless, Biden’s still useless, lesbians are living off the grid, it’s nature – not nurture, Seth Rogan sucks, and it’s time to put a ring on it,” says the description of McInnes’s latest episode.

Biden expresses support for Muslims, Rep. Omar after Minneapolis suspect arrested for arson, vandalism https://t.co/nxhuV898Fm

— Fox News (@FoxNews) May 2, 2023

Of course the headline isn’t that a white nationalist MAGA terrorist was arrested in arson and vandalism attacks on a mosque and a Somali shopping center in Minneapolis, it’s that Biden expressed solidarity with the community and the Congresswoman that represents them after the fucker was caught. The photo and the blurb in the tweet are intentionally vague to the point that a cursory read might leave you with the impression that it was actually a Muslim suspect who committed the attacks, rather than a racist Trump voter taking his frustrations out on them.

Pornhub has blocked itself in Utah ahead of the effecting of a new state law requiring users to verify their age with an image of their ID before proceeding, Fox 13 Salt Lake City reports.

A message reading “403 | This state is not whitelisted” first appeared for all users in the Mormon state on Monday morning, later updated to “As you may know, your elected officials in Utah are requiring us to verify your age before allowing you access to our website. While safety and compliance are at the forefront of our mission, giving your ID card every time you want to visit an adult platform is not the most effective solution for protecting our users, and in fact, will put children and your privacy at risk.” Utah SB 287 is to go in effect on Wednesday.

Alcoholic shitbrain Rudy Giuliani told a DC federal court on Monday that he can’t produce any more documents for discovery in Georgia 2020 election workers’ Ruby Freeman and Shae Moss’s defamation lawsuit against him because doing so “would cost him over $320,000.00 to become current on his arrearage with” document management firm TrustPoint One and he “does not have the funds to pay this amount at this time.” Well let’s see how this works out.

“I haven’t written a book; I’m not in Iowa,” Republican Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin said when asked if he was planning on launching a bid for the GOP nomination for president, according to CBS News. “I’m spending time representing Virginia this year.”

The terminology “this year” has raised some ears in the punditry class, noting that Youngkin has previously left the door open for a run.  With the assumed heir apparent to Trump, Ron DeSantis, battling staggering bad public polling and press, and with Trump himself refusing to drop out of the race despite myriad legal problems, Youngkin could persuade himself to be drafted by Party leaders should the potential winner of the primaries be convicted of felonies.

A dust storm swept through Farmersville, a rural part of central Illinois, kicking up so much dirt and debris it blinded drivers on nearby Interstate 55, causing a pile-up involving up to 80 different vehicles and leaving six people dead, the Chicago Tribune reports.  Witnesses said conditions were similar to white-outs during snowstorms, but with dirt.

The crashes started around 11 a.m. local time, with at least 20 commercial vehicles involved.  High winds were slated to continue through the area until around 8 p.m. local time Monday.  Drivers were instructed to try to stay off Interstate 55, a major traffic artery in the region, with an 18-mile section of the highway from Zanesville to Divernon closes while authorities try to clear the road.

“I’ve never met a rich person that didn’t work really, really hard, that wasn’t truly innovative, maybe had a little bit o’ luck,” Fox host and undisclosed Trump advisor Sean Hannity says, unaware that his friendships with Donald Trump, Junior and Eric demonstrate he’s a liar.  But we knew that from the disclosed text messages, didn’t we?  The “little bit o’ luck” does a lot of lifting here, particularly when that luck is what family you’re born into.

It’s becoming a theme with Texas law enforcement, that when there’s an actual threat–like Uvalde–they’ll ignore real threats and then fail to act when it’s already too late.  As hundreds of officers from local, county, state and federal agencies carry out a manhunt for the perpetrator, a survivor of a mass murder in Cleveland, Texas accused police of failing to act after the family called 9-1-1 multiple times on the man, starting two days before the murders, NBC News reports.

The survivor, Ramiro Guzman, said he pushed his wife and child into a closet as the gunman assassinated five others, including an eight-year-old, in the home.  Guzman said he called 9-1-1, only to be told deputies were already there; they weren’t.  He called four more times, but was cut off each time.  “They would cut off the call. I would call back again,” Guzman told NBC News. “Then I called my aunt who lives two blocks away to see if they’d answer her. I thought maybe they didn’t believe me and that’s why they didn’t want to help, but maybe they’d believe her.”

Another member of the family, Wilson Garcia, said he and his wife called the police two days before the Sunday afternoon slaughter to ask them to intervene with their neighbor, who was firing his AR-15 late in the night; no deputies ever arrived.  Two days later, the gun-wielding neighbor entered their home.  Garcia’s wife and child were two of the five killed.

A new CBS/YouGov survey finds 65 percent of respondents who said they’re voting for fat former President Trump in the 2024 primary said they’re doing so to “Show support for legal fights,” beating out 64 percent who said “I like him personally,” and 51 percent who said “Makes liberals angry.”

It was a multiple pick list so none of the answers were mutually exclusive. Tied at the top at 94 percent were “Past performance as president” and “Fights for people like me” among other stupid bullshit options. Three quarters said “He actually won in 2020,” which is just lol.

Among respondents who said they won’t be voting for Trump, the top answer was “Like other candidates more” at 65 percent, followed by “Too controversial” at 54 percent, and “Ongoing legal fights” at 41 percent. The non-Trump primary voters said Donald makes them feel “Exhausted” more so than “Worried” and “Empowered.” Overall Trump leads DeSantis 58 to 22 percent, followed by Mike Pence at 5 percent in yet another brutal finding for Mickey Maoist.